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My essay on Jesus.
By Goatboy. Aged 30
Jesus was born in a barn with some donkeys and a chicken. The chicken wasn't magic but Jesus was. His dad was a carpenter and his mum was a virgin, they were poor and didn't own any cars.
There was no room at the Inn so the man said "live in my barn" and they did.
And when Jesus was born, 3 men turned up with presents. They said they had been "following a star" and Joseph got angry with them, he shouted and then got angry with Virgin Mary but she said "Sssh, we can sell the presents for food and a donkey. A little donkey."
When Jesus was 4, he made a blind man see again and everyone said "He is magic", and Jesus said "No, I am the Son of God".
Everyone was scared and ran away, except for some Romans. The Romans said "We don't like magicians and we will arrest you"
But Jesus ran away and lived in the desert for 40 days and nights, and he got a big gang of 12 mates and they told stories and drank his blood and ate his flesh. I think they were zombies but Jesus was not afraid, he pulled a splinter from one of their feet and they said "We will not eat you Jesus because you are nice" and Jesus was happy.
They lived in the desert for ages and all grew beards so they could call themselves "The Beardy Gang of Zombies", but this was hard to sign on cheques so Jesus called them "Apostles" and they all decided to have a writing competition.
Jesus said "My zombies, write a story about me and the best one wins a loaf of bread and some fish".
And the zombies were confused and said "We can get that stuff ourselves, no thanks" and then Jesus did a trick and the loaf of bread turned into a massive family size pizza and the fish turned into wine.
They were all impressed and said "Nice one Jesus, we'll write the story because we like you"
The 12 zombies all wrote their stories. There was another zombie in the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and suffering".
The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a pot, which they buried and then forgot about it.
Jesus was bored of living in the desert and wanted to go into town, so he did and because he was hungry and bored, he did some more tricks.
He made a leper be not a leper, and he stopped some more bearded people from throwing stones at a woman called Mary.
He said "Why do they not like you?" and she said "Because I am a prostitute". Jesus said "That's silly, go live in the desert and write stories about me" and Mary said "Alright then."
And The Romans caught him, and said "Right then Magic-Jesus,we've told you before" and they nailed him to some wood.
Jesus said "I am not afraid because I am the son of god"
The Romans said "No, you are the son of Joseph", and Jesus got annoyed but couldn't do magic because his hands were stuck to the bench.
And Jesus died.
And then came back after 3 days and said "Lo, I have returned from the dead" and everyone said "No way! Best magic ever" and then Jesus ran away and lived in the woods, never to be seen again.
And everyone said "He ruled, let's do what he said"
And the Zombies wrote thier book in honour of their gang-leader, but the stories were conflicting so they agreed to splinter their gang and each pretend they knew best.
The End.
By Goatboy. Aged 30
Jesus was born in a barn with some donkeys and a chicken. The chicken wasn't magic but Jesus was. His dad was a carpenter and his mum was a virgin, they were poor and didn't own any cars.
There was no room at the Inn so the man said "live in my barn" and they did.
And when Jesus was born, 3 men turned up with presents. They said they had been "following a star" and Joseph got angry with them, he shouted and then got angry with Virgin Mary but she said "Sssh, we can sell the presents for food and a donkey. A little donkey."
When Jesus was 4, he made a blind man see again and everyone said "He is magic", and Jesus said "No, I am the Son of God".
Everyone was scared and ran away, except for some Romans. The Romans said "We don't like magicians and we will arrest you"
But Jesus ran away and lived in the desert for 40 days and nights, and he got a big gang of 12 mates and they told stories and drank his blood and ate his flesh. I think they were zombies but Jesus was not afraid, he pulled a splinter from one of their feet and they said "We will not eat you Jesus because you are nice" and Jesus was happy.
They lived in the desert for ages and all grew beards so they could call themselves "The Beardy Gang of Zombies", but this was hard to sign on cheques so Jesus called them "Apostles" and they all decided to have a writing competition.
Jesus said "My zombies, write a story about me and the best one wins a loaf of bread and some fish".
And the zombies were confused and said "We can get that stuff ourselves, no thanks" and then Jesus did a trick and the loaf of bread turned into a massive family size pizza and the fish turned into wine.
They were all impressed and said "Nice one Jesus, we'll write the story because we like you"
The 12 zombies all wrote their stories. There was another zombie in the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and suffering".
The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a pot, which they buried and then forgot about it.
Jesus was bored of living in the desert and wanted to go into town, so he did and because he was hungry and bored, he did some more tricks.
He made a leper be not a leper, and he stopped some more bearded people from throwing stones at a woman called Mary.
He said "Why do they not like you?" and she said "Because I am a prostitute". Jesus said "That's silly, go live in the desert and write stories about me" and Mary said "Alright then."
And The Romans caught him, and said "Right then Magic-Jesus,we've told you before" and they nailed him to some wood.
Jesus said "I am not afraid because I am the son of god"
The Romans said "No, you are the son of Joseph", and Jesus got annoyed but couldn't do magic because his hands were stuck to the bench.
And Jesus died.
And then came back after 3 days and said "Lo, I have returned from the dead" and everyone said "No way! Best magic ever" and then Jesus ran away and lived in the woods, never to be seen again.
And everyone said "He ruled, let's do what he said"
And the Zombies wrote thier book in honour of their gang-leader, but the stories were conflicting so they agreed to splinter their gang and each pretend they knew best.
The End.
Page:
religion sucks.
true story.
I have faith in no-one except those sadistic voices in my head.
true story.
I have faith in no-one except those sadistic voices in my head.
Of course that's just my opinion :)
KILL YOUR NEIGHBOURS. SLAUGHTER THEM ALL WITH A MEAT CLEAVER. DO IT NOW!
Heh, but what are you doing in Borat's conscience, Black Glove?
I'm just passing through, like Will-o'-the-wisp...
Lil Ginge wrote:
I hope your saved or pray man coz after this you need
> to make up brownie points.
---
Nope, but God will forgive me.
He has to, it's in the rules.
I hope your saved or pray man coz after this you need
> to make up brownie points.
---
Nope, but God will forgive me.
He has to, it's in the rules.
Borat's Voices wrote:
> KILL YOUR NEIGHBOURS. SLAUGHTER THEM ALL WITH A MEAT CLEAVER. DO IT
> NOW!
It's like you took a photograph of the inside of my head
> KILL YOUR NEIGHBOURS. SLAUGHTER THEM ALL WITH A MEAT CLEAVER. DO IT
> NOW!
It's like you took a photograph of the inside of my head
Goatboy wrote:
> Lil Ginge wrote:
> I hope your saved or pray man coz after this you need
> to make up brownie points.
> ---
>
> Nope, but God will forgive me.
> He has to, it's in the rules.
Only if you are actually remorseful of your sins, otherwise there is nothing God can do for you apparantly. But I wouldn't claim to have read the bible...
> Lil Ginge wrote:
> I hope your saved or pray man coz after this you need
> to make up brownie points.
> ---
>
> Nope, but God will forgive me.
> He has to, it's in the rules.
Only if you are actually remorseful of your sins, otherwise there is nothing God can do for you apparantly. But I wouldn't claim to have read the bible...
Emperor Xerxes wrote:
> Only if you are actually remorseful of your sins, otherwise there is
> nothing God can do for you apparantly. But I wouldn't claim to have
> read the bible...
Heh, so if for instance one decided to torture, poison, and burn every living creature on earth, and before that steal from banks, incite disputes and major fights between countries and disrupt everyone's lives, but in the end was sorry about it all, then God would still forgive oneself?
For instance, of course.
> Only if you are actually remorseful of your sins, otherwise there is
> nothing God can do for you apparantly. But I wouldn't claim to have
> read the bible...
Heh, so if for instance one decided to torture, poison, and burn every living creature on earth, and before that steal from banks, incite disputes and major fights between countries and disrupt everyone's lives, but in the end was sorry about it all, then God would still forgive oneself?
For instance, of course.
Lil Ginge wrote:
> um....
>
>
> can see the funny side but that is the biggest bunch of blaspemy I
> have ever read. I hope your saved or pray man coz after this you need
> to make up brownie points.
>
> ... I cannot actually believe it.
*****
Urgh, are you sure you don't have that cross up your arrse??
Lighten up
> um....
>
>
> can see the funny side but that is the biggest bunch of blaspemy I
> have ever read. I hope your saved or pray man coz after this you need
> to make up brownie points.
>
> ... I cannot actually believe it.
*****
Urgh, are you sure you don't have that cross up your arrse??
Lighten up
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