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My essay on Jesus.
By Goatboy. Aged 30
Jesus was born in a barn with some donkeys and a chicken. The chicken wasn't magic but Jesus was. His dad was a carpenter and his mum was a virgin, they were poor and didn't own any cars.
There was no room at the Inn so the man said "live in my barn" and they did.
And when Jesus was born, 3 men turned up with presents. They said they had been "following a star" and Joseph got angry with them, he shouted and then got angry with Virgin Mary but she said "Sssh, we can sell the presents for food and a donkey. A little donkey."
When Jesus was 4, he made a blind man see again and everyone said "He is magic", and Jesus said "No, I am the Son of God".
Everyone was scared and ran away, except for some Romans. The Romans said "We don't like magicians and we will arrest you"
But Jesus ran away and lived in the desert for 40 days and nights, and he got a big gang of 12 mates and they told stories and drank his blood and ate his flesh. I think they were zombies but Jesus was not afraid, he pulled a splinter from one of their feet and they said "We will not eat you Jesus because you are nice" and Jesus was happy.
They lived in the desert for ages and all grew beards so they could call themselves "The Beardy Gang of Zombies", but this was hard to sign on cheques so Jesus called them "Apostles" and they all decided to have a writing competition.
Jesus said "My zombies, write a story about me and the best one wins a loaf of bread and some fish".
And the zombies were confused and said "We can get that stuff ourselves, no thanks" and then Jesus did a trick and the loaf of bread turned into a massive family size pizza and the fish turned into wine.
They were all impressed and said "Nice one Jesus, we'll write the story because we like you"
The 12 zombies all wrote their stories. There was another zombie in the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and suffering".
The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a pot, which they buried and then forgot about it.
Jesus was bored of living in the desert and wanted to go into town, so he did and because he was hungry and bored, he did some more tricks.
He made a leper be not a leper, and he stopped some more bearded people from throwing stones at a woman called Mary.
He said "Why do they not like you?" and she said "Because I am a prostitute". Jesus said "That's silly, go live in the desert and write stories about me" and Mary said "Alright then."
And The Romans caught him, and said "Right then Magic-Jesus,we've told you before" and they nailed him to some wood.
Jesus said "I am not afraid because I am the son of god"
The Romans said "No, you are the son of Joseph", and Jesus got annoyed but couldn't do magic because his hands were stuck to the bench.
And Jesus died.
And then came back after 3 days and said "Lo, I have returned from the dead" and everyone said "No way! Best magic ever" and then Jesus ran away and lived in the woods, never to be seen again.
And everyone said "He ruled, let's do what he said"
And the Zombies wrote thier book in honour of their gang-leader, but the stories were conflicting so they agreed to splinter their gang and each pretend they knew best.
The End.
By Goatboy. Aged 30
Jesus was born in a barn with some donkeys and a chicken. The chicken wasn't magic but Jesus was. His dad was a carpenter and his mum was a virgin, they were poor and didn't own any cars.
There was no room at the Inn so the man said "live in my barn" and they did.
And when Jesus was born, 3 men turned up with presents. They said they had been "following a star" and Joseph got angry with them, he shouted and then got angry with Virgin Mary but she said "Sssh, we can sell the presents for food and a donkey. A little donkey."
When Jesus was 4, he made a blind man see again and everyone said "He is magic", and Jesus said "No, I am the Son of God".
Everyone was scared and ran away, except for some Romans. The Romans said "We don't like magicians and we will arrest you"
But Jesus ran away and lived in the desert for 40 days and nights, and he got a big gang of 12 mates and they told stories and drank his blood and ate his flesh. I think they were zombies but Jesus was not afraid, he pulled a splinter from one of their feet and they said "We will not eat you Jesus because you are nice" and Jesus was happy.
They lived in the desert for ages and all grew beards so they could call themselves "The Beardy Gang of Zombies", but this was hard to sign on cheques so Jesus called them "Apostles" and they all decided to have a writing competition.
Jesus said "My zombies, write a story about me and the best one wins a loaf of bread and some fish".
And the zombies were confused and said "We can get that stuff ourselves, no thanks" and then Jesus did a trick and the loaf of bread turned into a massive family size pizza and the fish turned into wine.
They were all impressed and said "Nice one Jesus, we'll write the story because we like you"
The 12 zombies all wrote their stories. There was another zombie in the gang called Thomas, but he said "I am not a zombie, I am a Gnostic. You do not need to build big houses and sing about Jesus because God exists in even the smallest stone, it is the notion of divinity and not the trappings of religion like tithes, churches and suffering".
The zombies were angry and they ate Thomas and hid his story in a pot, which they buried and then forgot about it.
Jesus was bored of living in the desert and wanted to go into town, so he did and because he was hungry and bored, he did some more tricks.
He made a leper be not a leper, and he stopped some more bearded people from throwing stones at a woman called Mary.
He said "Why do they not like you?" and she said "Because I am a prostitute". Jesus said "That's silly, go live in the desert and write stories about me" and Mary said "Alright then."
And The Romans caught him, and said "Right then Magic-Jesus,we've told you before" and they nailed him to some wood.
Jesus said "I am not afraid because I am the son of god"
The Romans said "No, you are the son of Joseph", and Jesus got annoyed but couldn't do magic because his hands were stuck to the bench.
And Jesus died.
And then came back after 3 days and said "Lo, I have returned from the dead" and everyone said "No way! Best magic ever" and then Jesus ran away and lived in the woods, never to be seen again.
And everyone said "He ruled, let's do what he said"
And the Zombies wrote thier book in honour of their gang-leader, but the stories were conflicting so they agreed to splinter their gang and each pretend they knew best.
The End.
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Jesus H. Christ! That was witty. And there was method in your madness too.
*looks around, pushes Mystique into Lil Ginge*
Doll-face?
Give up now ginge, she'll beat you in every way.
I mean that posetively.
Give up now ginge, she'll beat you in every way.
I mean that posetively.
Are you absolutely sure you're 30?
And anyway, that really was great.
'Jesus said "I am not afraid because I am the son of god"
The Romans said "No, you are the son of Joseph"'
It's always the simple parts that set me into hysteria.
Genius.
And anyway, that really was great.
'Jesus said "I am not afraid because I am the son of god"
The Romans said "No, you are the son of Joseph"'
It's always the simple parts that set me into hysteria.
Genius.
People haven't seriously turned this thread into a religious debate have they?
Talk about defiling purity...
Talk about defiling purity...
Goatboy wrote:
> Lil Ginge wrote:
> I hope your saved or pray man coz after this you need
> to make up brownie points.
> ---
>
> Nope, but God will forgive me.
> He has to, it's in the rules.
Reminds me of a Bill Hicks joke. I think it was Bill Hicks. Well, not so much a joke as a mere highlighting of the hypocrisy of certain people with strong religious beliefs.
> Lil Ginge wrote:
> I hope your saved or pray man coz after this you need
> to make up brownie points.
> ---
>
> Nope, but God will forgive me.
> He has to, it's in the rules.
Reminds me of a Bill Hicks joke. I think it was Bill Hicks. Well, not so much a joke as a mere highlighting of the hypocrisy of certain people with strong religious beliefs.
Handy man wrote:
> Overall this is a very bleak and condeming view on Jesus/Religion
> overall.
> I think that if religion exists it has more positive effects, but its
> your' opinion.
Overall, if you'd like to discuss all of the intolerance, pain, war, suffering, death, misery, and so on and so forth, caused by Religion and balance that against it's few remaining positive effects, then by all means be my guest. I suspect you'll find otherwise.
But, if that's your opinion, then knock yourself out believing it.
> Overall this is a very bleak and condeming view on Jesus/Religion
> overall.
> I think that if religion exists it has more positive effects, but its
> your' opinion.
Overall, if you'd like to discuss all of the intolerance, pain, war, suffering, death, misery, and so on and so forth, caused by Religion and balance that against it's few remaining positive effects, then by all means be my guest. I suspect you'll find otherwise.
But, if that's your opinion, then knock yourself out believing it.
Mystique wrote:
>Urgh, are you sure you don't have that cross up your arrse??
Lighten up
I think implying that I have a cross up my arrse is enough for me to call you that. If I cannot express my opinion with out you ridiculing it with some smart ass remark then mystique... yes I do stress again. You do need to grow up.
If you cannot handle me saying anything remotely religious than what is that showing? What ever I say on any of the threads you enjoy belittling me.
If thats how you get your kicks fine! But think about it doll face - you make yourself look stupid.
>Urgh, are you sure you don't have that cross up your arrse??
Lighten up
I think implying that I have a cross up my arrse is enough for me to call you that. If I cannot express my opinion with out you ridiculing it with some smart ass remark then mystique... yes I do stress again. You do need to grow up.
If you cannot handle me saying anything remotely religious than what is that showing? What ever I say on any of the threads you enjoy belittling me.
If thats how you get your kicks fine! But think about it doll face - you make yourself look stupid.
Lil Ginge wrote:
>
> Mystique grow up.
> Blah blah blah moan moan moan
******
Me grow up??
You're the one who was name calling not me.
I was just telling you that if you're going to do it that you should do it properly, then you go all cliché girly mode and have a hissy fit.
Phhhfffft
>
> Mystique grow up.
> Blah blah blah moan moan moan
******
Me grow up??
You're the one who was name calling not me.
I was just telling you that if you're going to do it that you should do it properly, then you go all cliché girly mode and have a hissy fit.
Phhhfffft
Icarus wrote:
> Taking bets now!!
I bet Gerrod will win.
> Taking bets now!!
I bet Gerrod will win.
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