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I don't know why I'm doing this. Its just something I need to get of my chest. This forum is called Life, so here is a little bit of my Life story
A couple of you know that although I'm engaged, The Ogre wasn't my First Love. FirstLove was a boy I met a school, Actually I met him at primary school, and we had always sort of been friends, but we both we with different groups of friends. I was a school-lover, book studier, teachers pet. (On the surface at least) and he was in one of those crowds that were always getting in to trouble, and in fights. Two different worlds.
Until Sixth Form. I stayed on to do my A-Levels and FirstLove stayed to do GNVQs (this might tell you something about the academic gap between us). My little clique of A-Level friends had started really annoying me. A couple of the guys were seeing girls from the year above us, and they were pretty horrible about them behind their backs. It all got a bit much for me and I started spending more and more time with the less academically gifted, but nicer GNVQ group.
It was all very innocent (at least on my part). Apart from one night of fumbling with the jack.the.lad of the sixth form, I was niaeve as hell. Over that year I had two boyfriends the first was a Tart and the second I nicknamed Bunion. I left Tart for Bunion, who in his turn left me for his Ex-Fiancee (was my fault, I shouldn't have tempted him away in the first place, and to be honest she held all the cards since there was no way I was going to sleep with him). I'd just got over a very bad virus (which the Doctors though might have been meningitus in viral form) and so I took a bit of a knock (I'm digressing).
The point is FirstLove had always told me that my boyfriends were bad choices. I'd thought that he was saying it in a friendly way, but on the Last day before Christmas hols that year I ended up in bed with him (again it was all fairly innocent). Of course then I didn't want to seem keen , so I didn't ring him, and of course I didn't see him at all over the holidays.
Time went on, there were always flirty glances going on between us, but the timing was always off, one of us would always be with somebody else, and to be honest I never thought I was good enough for him. Occasionally we would both be single at the same time, and we would mess around together, but nothing major ever happened between us.
Until thr summer before I left for University and FirstLove stabbed a man (A gay man who came on to him - I don't ccondone homophobia, but considering some ofthe stuff I think he may have gone through at the hands of his stepdad I sort of understand). None of his friends except me stood by him. I think we had a sort of a bond. That summer he asked me to be his Girlfriend, but I didn't want to be tied down to someone at home, when I was going of to Uni where there would be loads of new people (and I still felt as if I wasn't good enough for him), and although by this point I knew I had very strong feelings for him, I turned him down.
You probably know the next bit. I went away to Uni and within 3 weeks I had met, slept with and started going out with The Ogre.
Fast forward a Year to my second year. Falling in love with the Ogre made me realise that actually I was in Love with FirstLove (Silly how these things happen). I called him up, and we talked, we talked everynight for weeks and weeks, and I told him how I felt. He asked me to leave The Ogre, but I couldn't. We stayed friends, but I moved to Hull eventually and the friendship tailed off.
I stood at a crossroads and I took the easiest path. Someone similar to me, someone of similar intellegence, music taste etc. I never knew if I took the right path.
The other day I found out (from somebody else) FirstLove is going to be a father. His Girlfriend is pregnant. It brought back old memories and they needed an outlet, which is why I'm posting here, because lets face it. there is no way I could disscus this with my best friend.
A couple of you know that although I'm engaged, The Ogre wasn't my First Love. FirstLove was a boy I met a school, Actually I met him at primary school, and we had always sort of been friends, but we both we with different groups of friends. I was a school-lover, book studier, teachers pet. (On the surface at least) and he was in one of those crowds that were always getting in to trouble, and in fights. Two different worlds.
Until Sixth Form. I stayed on to do my A-Levels and FirstLove stayed to do GNVQs (this might tell you something about the academic gap between us). My little clique of A-Level friends had started really annoying me. A couple of the guys were seeing girls from the year above us, and they were pretty horrible about them behind their backs. It all got a bit much for me and I started spending more and more time with the less academically gifted, but nicer GNVQ group.
It was all very innocent (at least on my part). Apart from one night of fumbling with the jack.the.lad of the sixth form, I was niaeve as hell. Over that year I had two boyfriends the first was a Tart and the second I nicknamed Bunion. I left Tart for Bunion, who in his turn left me for his Ex-Fiancee (was my fault, I shouldn't have tempted him away in the first place, and to be honest she held all the cards since there was no way I was going to sleep with him). I'd just got over a very bad virus (which the Doctors though might have been meningitus in viral form) and so I took a bit of a knock (I'm digressing).
The point is FirstLove had always told me that my boyfriends were bad choices. I'd thought that he was saying it in a friendly way, but on the Last day before Christmas hols that year I ended up in bed with him (again it was all fairly innocent). Of course then I didn't want to seem keen , so I didn't ring him, and of course I didn't see him at all over the holidays.
Time went on, there were always flirty glances going on between us, but the timing was always off, one of us would always be with somebody else, and to be honest I never thought I was good enough for him. Occasionally we would both be single at the same time, and we would mess around together, but nothing major ever happened between us.
Until thr summer before I left for University and FirstLove stabbed a man (A gay man who came on to him - I don't ccondone homophobia, but considering some ofthe stuff I think he may have gone through at the hands of his stepdad I sort of understand). None of his friends except me stood by him. I think we had a sort of a bond. That summer he asked me to be his Girlfriend, but I didn't want to be tied down to someone at home, when I was going of to Uni where there would be loads of new people (and I still felt as if I wasn't good enough for him), and although by this point I knew I had very strong feelings for him, I turned him down.
You probably know the next bit. I went away to Uni and within 3 weeks I had met, slept with and started going out with The Ogre.
Fast forward a Year to my second year. Falling in love with the Ogre made me realise that actually I was in Love with FirstLove (Silly how these things happen). I called him up, and we talked, we talked everynight for weeks and weeks, and I told him how I felt. He asked me to leave The Ogre, but I couldn't. We stayed friends, but I moved to Hull eventually and the friendship tailed off.
I stood at a crossroads and I took the easiest path. Someone similar to me, someone of similar intellegence, music taste etc. I never knew if I took the right path.
The other day I found out (from somebody else) FirstLove is going to be a father. His Girlfriend is pregnant. It brought back old memories and they needed an outlet, which is why I'm posting here, because lets face it. there is no way I could disscus this with my best friend.
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§niper wrote:
>
> So your 27 now?
> So you couldn't stay apart from each other for too long?
Nope. Though she's now got a job in the US to we're forcibly parted at the minute.
>
> So your 27 now?
> So you couldn't stay apart from each other for too long?
Nope. Though she's now got a job in the US to we're forcibly parted at the minute.
Ahhh love=happiness-(pain+anger)-freedom (<--The Tiga love equation).So now I keep my falling in love bit of me safely tucked away behind an emotion barrier.In hind sight I honestly cant discern those times when Ive thought I was in love from those times when I was riding on the wave of an enormous crush.I think this is my emotion barrier cutting out those feelings.
Note this was something that had to happen after several encounters with girlfriends that I would only label as "psychopathic" who went mad after I explained that I wasnt the one to marry them and live happily ever after with.But thats a another story... i have since become anti-marriage and very much pro batchelor. NOTE DO NOT CONFUSE ABOVE WITH BEING CELIBATE.
Note this was something that had to happen after several encounters with girlfriends that I would only label as "psychopathic" who went mad after I explained that I wasnt the one to marry them and live happily ever after with.But thats a another story... i have since become anti-marriage and very much pro batchelor. NOTE DO NOT CONFUSE ABOVE WITH BEING CELIBATE.
The thing is that, no matter who they are, your first love will always be one of the strongest memories/emotional aspects of your life. What I find as well is that people tend to remember them as far better people than they actually were at the time. This includes the emotions felt at the time.
Your feelings are probably down to the same human doubts everyone else has and the feeling that you always could have done something better in the past. It's strange that the human condition makes most people think this way as their life continues down the uncertain path of the future. yes, even those 'regret nothing' people have their doubts about previous choices, whether they care to admit it or not. What changes this is how you act on them. Are you going to let it eat you up inside or just say 'that was the past' and live with it, being thankful for the experiences that you had.
Trust me, I still think about the past, and no, I'm not going to go in to details here, but there are moments in my life where I stop and have an overwhelming emotional moment where I think what could have been.
Your feelings are probably down to the same human doubts everyone else has and the feeling that you always could have done something better in the past. It's strange that the human condition makes most people think this way as their life continues down the uncertain path of the future. yes, even those 'regret nothing' people have their doubts about previous choices, whether they care to admit it or not. What changes this is how you act on them. Are you going to let it eat you up inside or just say 'that was the past' and live with it, being thankful for the experiences that you had.
Trust me, I still think about the past, and no, I'm not going to go in to details here, but there are moments in my life where I stop and have an overwhelming emotional moment where I think what could have been.
I used to keep a diary. Paper one though. One day it got read. Thankfully they never mentioned what was in it. After that I felt it was to big a risk as it had some intimate and personal thoughts and secrets. So I got all my diaries and burned them all. I do still have one that I occasionally use. It is hidden mind and Algy is under orders to destroy it should anything ever happen to me though.
Its not at all secure I don't care who reads it.
Rosalind wrote:
> I keep a diary online, that way I'm sure to make entries when I feel
> like it. It doesn't cost anything and I get to mess around with a bit
> of web design.
are you sure thats secure? I wouldn't like some techie gimp reading my most intimate thoughts ....
*stares at monitor in deep contemplation*
> I keep a diary online, that way I'm sure to make entries when I feel
> like it. It doesn't cost anything and I get to mess around with a bit
> of web design.
are you sure thats secure? I wouldn't like some techie gimp reading my most intimate thoughts ....
*stares at monitor in deep contemplation*
Goatboy wrote:
> "smart move to talk this way"??
ok maybe that was took the wrong way, but I don't feel like a 'kid', and haven't since I started paying my own way through life.
> Like I care about what people think about me, especially an internet
> forum. What will happen? The Keyboard Cool Gang will disown me?
I don't know who the keyboard cool gang are, but I'm sure they are no match for the might of the munch bunch
> "smart move to talk this way"??
ok maybe that was took the wrong way, but I don't feel like a 'kid', and haven't since I started paying my own way through life.
> Like I care about what people think about me, especially an internet
> forum. What will happen? The Keyboard Cool Gang will disown me?
I don't know who the keyboard cool gang are, but I'm sure they are no match for the might of the munch bunch
I thought I was in love once.
One day I thought about someone I know and I just felt... I don't know.
The next day I thought about her again and I was back to normal.
:^S
One day I thought about someone I know and I just felt... I don't know.
The next day I thought about her again and I was back to normal.
:^S
I keep a diary online, that way I'm sure to make entries when I feel like it. It doesn't cost anything and I get to mess around with a bit of web design.
On my way to story now.
On my way to story now.
You keep a diary?
I always thought about starting one, but to be honest I felt a little silly when I wrote in it, dunno why.
Oh, Ros, can you read my story in the Stories forum and let me know what you think please. It's my first attempt at writing anything serious. Cheers :D
I always thought about starting one, but to be honest I felt a little silly when I wrote in it, dunno why.
Oh, Ros, can you read my story in the Stories forum and let me know what you think please. It's my first attempt at writing anything serious. Cheers :D
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