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It finally makes sence... I never looked at it this way before: MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist & when we have REAL trouble its a HIStorectomy! Ever notice how women's problems start with MEN?
All i could think of then was seeing the word woMEN!
Gees you MEN get everywhere!
All i could think of then was seeing the word woMEN!
Gees you MEN get everywhere!
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:D ... heh, I enjoyed those ... but what about this one eh ... ?
"Cats:
* Women love cats.
* Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats."
"Cats:
* Women love cats.
* Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats."
Men V Women
Relationships:
* When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.
* A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us”.
Maturity:
* Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
* Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
Hats:
* Women look good in hats
* Men look like jerks.
Comedy:
* Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of “The Three Stooges” comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite stooge.
* The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
Handwriting:
* To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
* Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
* A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
* The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
* A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
* A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Going out:
* When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
* When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…
Shoes:
* When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
* A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
Cats:
* Women love cats.
* Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
Mirrors:
* Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
* Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface–mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.
Garages:
* Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
* Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Movies:
* For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in “Gone With The Wind”.
* For men, it’s when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark’s face in “Public Enemy”.
Jewelry:
* Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
* A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Menopause:
* When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
* Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction–he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone:
* Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
* A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Low Blows:
* Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says “Oh, gee, that must hurt.”
* The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
Directions:
* If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
* Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there”, and, “I know I’m in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store”.
Admitting Mistakes:
* Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
* The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
Offspring:
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing up:
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
* A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
David Letterman:
* Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
* Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Cameras:
* Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
* Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Politics:
* Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting.
* Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
Laundry:
* Women do laundry every couple of days.
* A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
Weddings:
* When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”.
* Men talk about “the bachelor party”.
Socks:
* Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
* Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Toys:
* Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
* Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six “D” batteries to operate.
Plants:
* A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Mustaches:
* Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
* There are no women who look good with mustaches.
Nicknames:
* With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk”, women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
* But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
Relationships:
* When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.
* A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us”.
Maturity:
* Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
* Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
Hats:
* Women look good in hats
* Men look like jerks.
Comedy:
* Let’s say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of “The Three Stooges” comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man’s favorite stooge.
* The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
Handwriting:
* To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
* Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
* A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
* The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
* A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
* A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Going out:
* When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
* When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup…
Shoes:
* When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
* A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
Cats:
* Women love cats.
* Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
Mirrors:
* Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
* Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface–mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola’s head.
Garages:
* Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
* Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Movies:
* For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in “Gone With The Wind”.
* For men, it’s when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark’s face in “Public Enemy”.
Jewelry:
* Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
* A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that’s it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Menopause:
* When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
* Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction–he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone:
* Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
* A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Low Blows:
* Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says “Oh, gee, that must hurt.”
* The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
Directions:
* If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
* Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, “Looks like I’ve found a new way to get there”, and, “I know I’m in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store”.
Admitting Mistakes:
* Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
* The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
Offspring:
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing up:
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
* A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
David Letterman:
* Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
* Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Cameras:
* Men take photography very seriously. They’ll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
* Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Politics:
* Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting.
* Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
Laundry:
* Women do laundry every couple of days.
* A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
Weddings:
* When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”.
* Men talk about “the bachelor party”.
Socks:
* Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
* Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictues of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Toys:
* Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
* Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature TV’s, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six “D” batteries to operate.
Plants:
* A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Mustaches:
* Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
* There are no women who look good with mustaches.
Nicknames:
* With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like “Ultimate Pecs” and “Big Turk”, women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
* But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
Top Ten Reasons Why Men Should Not Be Ordained
10. A man's place is in the army.
9. For men who have children, their duties might distract them from the responsibilities of being a parent.
8. Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be "unnatural" for them to do other forms of work.
7. Man was created before woman. It is therefore obvious that man was a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment, rather than the crowning achievement of creation.
6. Men are too emotional to be priests or pastors. This is easily demonstrated by their conduct at football games and watching basketball tournaments.
5. Some men are handsome; they will distract women worshipers.
4. To be ordained pastor is to nurture the congregation. But this is not a traditional male role. Rather, throughout history, women have been considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more frequently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.
3. Men are overly prone to violence. No really manly man wants to settle disputes by any means other than by fighting about it. Thus, they would be poor role models, as well as being dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.
2. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep paths, repair the church roof, and maybe even lead the singing on Father's Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the Church.
1. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was a man. Thus, his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of the subordinated position that all men should take.
10. A man's place is in the army.
9. For men who have children, their duties might distract them from the responsibilities of being a parent.
8. Their physical build indicates that men are more suited to tasks such as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be "unnatural" for them to do other forms of work.
7. Man was created before woman. It is therefore obvious that man was a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment, rather than the crowning achievement of creation.
6. Men are too emotional to be priests or pastors. This is easily demonstrated by their conduct at football games and watching basketball tournaments.
5. Some men are handsome; they will distract women worshipers.
4. To be ordained pastor is to nurture the congregation. But this is not a traditional male role. Rather, throughout history, women have been considered to be not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more frequently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.
3. Men are overly prone to violence. No really manly man wants to settle disputes by any means other than by fighting about it. Thus, they would be poor role models, as well as being dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.
2. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep paths, repair the church roof, and maybe even lead the singing on Father's Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the Church.
1. In the New Testament account, the person who betrayed Jesus was a man. Thus, his lack of faith and ensuing punishment stands as a symbol of the subordinated position that all men should take.
Understanding a Woman
We need REALLY MEANS I want
You want REALLY MEANS You need
It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later
You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed
This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.
You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.
Yes REALLY MEANS No
No REALLY MEANS No
Maybe REALLY MEANS No
I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.
Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
We need REALLY MEANS I want
You want REALLY MEANS You need
It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now.
We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain
Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later
You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to.
I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed
This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house.
You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me.
Yes REALLY MEANS No
No REALLY MEANS No
Maybe REALLY MEANS No
I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while.
Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful.
I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook?
Gosh, these are a hoot! :D
Voltaire wrote:
> Borat §agdiyev wrote:
> Aye, we're all rotten basts ...
>
> Speak for yourself, i'm great.
Ditto.... is a pokemon.
yeah, I'm a total snake. :P ssss
> Borat §agdiyev wrote:
> Aye, we're all rotten basts ...
>
> Speak for yourself, i'm great.
Ditto.... is a pokemon.
yeah, I'm a total snake. :P ssss
Seraphim wrote:
> GUYnocologist
I'm not having this one, you know it's not spelt like that. Pfft woemen, you're all the same.
> GUYnocologist
I'm not having this one, you know it's not spelt like that. Pfft woemen, you're all the same.
What do you mean ... I wrote it all myself ...
[URL]http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=3200[/URL]
[URL]http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=3200[/URL]
Haha! Genius. Great post Borat, where did you get it from?
Seraphim wrote:
> Voltaire wrote:
> the man hating witch!
>
> Not got to many reasons to actually like them :P
:( The hippy charm hasn't worked then. We are rotten though. Thatnk god I'm straight!
> Voltaire wrote:
> the man hating witch!
>
> Not got to many reasons to actually like them :P
:( The hippy charm hasn't worked then. We are rotten though. Thatnk god I'm straight!
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