Viewing Thread:
"Urgency in Marriage"

My friend Tom has deployed for Iraq today. Before he left, he asked me to marry him.

Actually, he's been asking me for the past month now. We've only known eachother for a little while, exchanging emails and pictures and chatting until sunrise over msn or on the telephone a lot. I've never physically met him, but we've grown quite fond of eachother and I do genuinely care about him. We've said we love eachother, like close friends would, given the exclusion of physical intimacy. Platonic love. As a matter of fact, we never delved into anything of a sexual nature in our conversations much at all. Maybe just wishing we were with eachother to give supporting hugs and snuggle and the like.. I think if we were actually together it'd be more than just snuggling honestly, because dayem..he's hot.

I just wonder of this urgency to want to marry.. I mean, I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage and I'm totally marriable and Tom is certainly a marriable candidate! Heh It just seems like soldiers going into the warzone exhibit such desperation and I think that maybe I wouldn't have said I would marry him so soon, if he was't going? Or maybe I would have, given my life is at such a crossroads. Hm..

He's a IED Finder/88Mike (transport), so he's got the front seat in crossfire. It's worrying that his battalion lost three guys already this past month. When he talks of what he'll encounter, he sounds skeptical of returning. It makes my eyes well-up and my heart hurt confronted with the greater odds that before this beautiful person and I can even merely touch eachother, he'd be taken..forever.

Lastnight, we talked about our wedding. We dreamed about how it would be when he got home. We talked about our children, his and mine..and how we'd have two of our own. We want lots of kids, never a dull moment. :) We talked about how our baby girl would have his Irish green eyes and pink undertones in her porcelain skin. We talked about our goals and ambitions.. About growing old together, swaying in a hammock in the backyard, sipping sangrias and star gazing. How we'd make wishes at sunset upon greenflash and hold eachother close.

I miss him already, but I look around me and my reality lacks the physical element of his existence. He's somewhat of a phantom, so to speak. How can I miss something I've never had? How can I embrace my emotions??

Now this war in the Middle East is at my doorstep and if it wasn't Tom knocking, I think I would have paid it no mind.

He rang before he left the airport this morning, as they were boarding the plane for a twenty hour journey into a different dimension. He cried. *tears* Bless his heart..

Anyways, thanks for just letting me just ramble. It's just so hard to know where to put any of this and keeping it inside is entirely debilitating for me today.

On the lighter side, heck, I'm getting married! Kinda crazy, I know..

Ineedsleep wrote:
> Your friend seems to be suffering from a case of mortality and he
> seems to have sucked you right in there with him.

I know, right? Blast this heart of mine! How dare he take advantage of my good graces and leave me behind to go off to some stupid war!

> There is no lighter side to marrying someone you have never met.

I can imagine the women in cultures that still arrange marriages, wish to God they had the net. Heh

> For goodness sake I have ‘friends’ I genuinely care about that
> I’ve never met and we share platonic love but once we met that
> could change. The physical side of a relationship is
> extremely important to a bloke including the ones who say
> it isn’t so to marry someone because of internet chat is beyond
> comprehension.

Isn't it safe to say the net surpresses that intimidating physical element for a lot of introverted people? Personally I find it a venue that takes the anxiety out expressing oneself, because there's no judgement based on external physical factors. Of course you can always sort the narcissists and the superegos.. I'm sure I don't have to even try to defend a forum chat room here.

I guess my point is, that communication isn't always at it's peak on a physical level. But you're right and I can agree, that it is a very, very important facet for consumating an intimate relationship.

> You already comment that “maybe I wouldn’t have said I would
> marry him so soon, if he was’t going?” so this has crossed your
> mind. Maybe you should have said “let’s meet up first – in a
> VERY crowded place” instead of yes.

I think we will meet in a crowded place.

> How can you miss something you’ve never had? You are not missing
> it! You cannot miss something you have never had. You may be
> missing him but if you’ve been in close contact for a long time
> then this interaction is what you are missing. By the way
> – the dream sounds wonderful but believe me the reality is not so
> woven in such romantic notions.

I'm already missing not having him here, just a call away, to tell all of the daily crap to. But, yeah, I've been married before so I can confer with you on how the dream isn't always the reality.

> I have friends who have gone to war zones and I worry about
> them. I even have a friend who is still a virgin but that didn’t
> make me feel in anyway like changing this fact before he went!

haha :P


> Last night you talked about your wedding, kids and growing old?
> I’m sorry but you both need a reality check

Hm, I suppose it was more out of trying to boost his morale, more than anything. We all need something to believe in and it's a possibility he has nothing more but that dream right now, making him want to do whatever it takes out there to come back for it.. I'm thinking. I know I'm worth it, shoot.. :P

Ladybird wrote:
> So what is your take on these online dating sites? There are
> people on there that get to know eachother online, meet for the
> first time and know immediately that that person is the one.
> It's just not the traditional thing to do, I suppose and
> definitely subject to harsh opinions.

Tradition and common sense have no place in love.
Online dating is different, you meet a stranger, then you get to know them properly, then you marry them (or just dump their body in a river, personal choice i guess). It's the desperation that isn't respected i guess, not the looking for someone.
It's just like you and everyone else has said, online you're whoever you want to be, all the madness, stupid things you say, things that anger you, everything disappears and what you're presented with is a controlled view of who they want you to see. Less so on the phone but still true. It's still a stranger until you can stare them in the face and argue like mad in the comfort they're not going to strangle you in your sleep.
Honestly i suspect you got caught in a split-second of having to make a choice to save someones feelings. Otherwise you'd have accepted when he asked you before.

Ladybird wrote:
> I think we will meet in a crowded place.

Now there's a sign of trust in your future husband.

> Hm, I suppose it was more out of trying to boost his morale,
> more than anything.

Of all the reasons to marry someone, seriously. Love, trust, sense of humour, companionship, support, good parent, great a**e, good in bed, out of all these you've gone with trying to boost his confidence and because you felt sorry for him.
Can you look at that list above and tell me which you know apply to him?

Voltaire wrote:
> Ladybird wrote:
> I think we will meet in a crowded place.
>
> Now there's a sign of trust in your future husband.
>

Well, the airport IS always crowded when a flight gets in :D

> Hm, I suppose it was more out of trying to boost his morale,
> more than anything.
>
> Of all the reasons to marry someone, seriously. Love, trust,
> sense of humour, companionship, support, good parent, great
> a**e, good in bed, out of all these you've gone with trying to
> boost his confidence and because you felt sorry for him.
> Can you look at that list above and tell me which you know apply
> to him?

It was talking about the dream that was to boost his morale. Mine too actually, since my life is pretty lame.

It's like a checklist of physicalities! In all honesty though, every single one of those apply, except for the "good in bed" one, heh, lacking the actual physical presence and so on and so forth..

That would sark though, to come to find his anatomy is less than um..enamorous :D

heh

Ladybird wrote:
> It's like a checklist of physicalities! In all honesty though,
> every single one of those apply, except for the "good in
> bed" one, heh, lacking the actual physical presence and so
> on and so forth..
>
> That would sark though, to come to find his anatomy is less than
> um..enamorous :D
>
> heh

You can honestly say for sure he ticks all those boxes because i dont see how, the only one you could know about is the a**e one if you've had the webcam on. All the others rely on personality and internet personalities are misleading. People seem to have this impression of me as a nice usually charming guy when, in reality, am a complete nutjob that you wouldn't want to spend 5 minutes with, you couldn't really tell that from on here (nobody better say otherwise) you cant judge people on what they tell you.

p.s.
I think you meant enormous ;P

I think that people who go on online dating sites are looking for something there missing yes a date but also something else and when they find someone with the slightest compatibility they attach themselves to that person and call that person 'the one' which i think is crazy. If you look at marriage facts its like 8/10 people have divorces. Online dating is even higher, 91% of people married from online dating have also had a divorce in the first ten years.

I think its down to how well you know the person and how you see yourself with them in years to come. Knowing someone in a month you still wouldn't know everything there is to know about them and still be completely in love. I think that your looking for someone to replace somebody or trying to find something you've never had. I think instead of rushing into marriage you should make absolutely sure that you are in love with him and that things can work out.
In all honesty i think you should get to know him for longer and if things stay the same and your still in love then you should go for it.

Ladybird, wouldnt you actually want to be 100% positive that this is the man for you and he can make you happy in years to come?

Thank you for your comment Seifer. :)

We've known eachother for about two and a half to three months, he's only been asking me to marry him this past month before he left.

He left a message for me this morning and his IP registered coming in from Kuwait on my stats. :)

I was just thinking.. (rutrohh :P) I can imagine how Iraq could be a major cash cow, if someone would market Kuwaiti t-shirts and mugs there. Seems like millions of people travel there, although not always by choice, obviously. Regardless, I'm sure they'd like some memorabilia of the experience anyway. One thing I've heard is that they're not allowed to send any sand home. Hmm..and that was the first thing I thought about asking for, too. I suppose if they could, we'd already have most of Iraq in the US.. heh :P

Being from that department of work myself i know how he's feeling, and yes quite frankly out there is a disaster. You really have to see it to believe it.

I think you should try putting yourself in his shoes though, your getting shipped off and theres a chance you might never come back. It put me and certainly would of put him in a state of deep thought wondering if he'll still have a life if he gets back.

The thing i would be thinking about if i was you would be 'Does he love me enough to postpone marriage in order to meet me'.

I really hope you make the right choice and being from the same department i was in his shoes once and to tell you the truth it does make you think 'will you ever come back'.

Sorry to say this but im trying to be as honest as i can in order to help you, id like to know what your thinking on the matter now. :-)

Ladybird Wrote...

>Actually, he's been asking me for the past month now. We've only >known eachother for a little while, exchanging emails and pictures and chatting until sunrise over msn or on the telephone a lot.

Asking you to marry him for the past month and only known each other a short time, Must be some reason for it. Either he really means it, or possibly just scared of being where he is and rushing in to something he is scared he is going to miss out on. Could be just clinging to someone who has actually gave him the time of day too.

Ladybird Wrote...

>Lastnight, we talked about our wedding. We dreamed about how it >would be when he got home. We talked about our children, his and >mine..and how we'd have two of our own. We want lots of kids, >never a dull moment. :) We talked about how our baby girl would >have his Irish green eyes and pink undertones in her porcelain >skin. We talked about our goals and ambitions.. About growing old >together, swaying in a hammock in the backyard, sipping sangrias >and star gazing. How we'd make wishes at sunset upon greenflash >and hold eachother close.

You know alot of people tend to talk about these things when they think they have found someone that they love. Nothing wrong with it at all but thats probably all they are, hopes and dreams. Nothing wrong with that what so ever. We all have them.

Voltaire Wrote...

>No-one else wants to say it? Okee-dokee...
>Em, for a smart woman, this isn't "kinda crazy"

Yes kinda crazy, but we have all been there at some point in our life, or if we havent we will.

>Think of all the guys you've known and how they've not been right for you, then consider the odds that this one (Who clearly isn't thinking straight) is actually the one.

Probably not the one for her, but it could be given a more time in getting to know him etc. Dont forget even when you meet someone you never really know them, you meet someone and your together a few years you think the world of the person. You move in with them etc... and its a whole new ball game.

Borat §agdiyev wrote:

> Yeah I agree with this, in my experience it's true ... text
> doesn't have any feeling attached to it, it's easy to
> misinterpret people or think they mean one thing when they mean
> another.

Yes i agree with this, there is no feeling or emotion in text. Seeing someone in person your more likely to be able to read body language aswell as what there telling you face to face and if there is any feeling or emotion in what they are saying.


> I'd definitely want to meet up and spend a lot of time in his
> company before doing anything further ... it's a beautiful
> sentiment and from one point of view very romantic ... but it
> may well all end in disaster if you're not suited.

I think meeting up would be the best thing. That way at least you would know a little more about where you stand and if you actually get on in person. I can get on with just about anyone online, you put me face to face with someone and more often then not things change.

Voltaire Wrote...

>Best thing you could possibly do now is make this a lengthy >engagement. No more talk of wedding days etc.

Does not even have to be an engagement. Building up a solid friendship, and all the other stuff i think is more important then engagement right now. See how things go forst before getting any kind of ring on the finger.

. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .

UGH i cant go through anyone else's replies so if i repeat something else sorry.

Another thing is that this guy could be just really lonely and craving some TLC and attention. How else to get a womans attention then to tell her you love her, feed her with things she wants to hear, love marriage, kids settling down...Its what most women want. He could be just reeling you in for some attention. What you have to think about is... How many other women could he possibly feeding the same lines too?

I guess there is just so much to think about.

Either way girl... Follow your heart but tread carefully.

I'd say something of intrest, but I know as much about this as I know about politics. Nothing.

But, it sounds very stupid to me, and as sleepy says, meeting in a VERY crowded place would be a good idea.