Viewing Thread:
"Urgency in Marriage"

My friend Tom has deployed for Iraq today. Before he left, he asked me to marry him.

Actually, he's been asking me for the past month now. We've only known eachother for a little while, exchanging emails and pictures and chatting until sunrise over msn or on the telephone a lot. I've never physically met him, but we've grown quite fond of eachother and I do genuinely care about him. We've said we love eachother, like close friends would, given the exclusion of physical intimacy. Platonic love. As a matter of fact, we never delved into anything of a sexual nature in our conversations much at all. Maybe just wishing we were with eachother to give supporting hugs and snuggle and the like.. I think if we were actually together it'd be more than just snuggling honestly, because dayem..he's hot.

I just wonder of this urgency to want to marry.. I mean, I truly believe in the sanctity of marriage and I'm totally marriable and Tom is certainly a marriable candidate! Heh It just seems like soldiers going into the warzone exhibit such desperation and I think that maybe I wouldn't have said I would marry him so soon, if he was't going? Or maybe I would have, given my life is at such a crossroads. Hm..

He's a IED Finder/88Mike (transport), so he's got the front seat in crossfire. It's worrying that his battalion lost three guys already this past month. When he talks of what he'll encounter, he sounds skeptical of returning. It makes my eyes well-up and my heart hurt confronted with the greater odds that before this beautiful person and I can even merely touch eachother, he'd be taken..forever.

Lastnight, we talked about our wedding. We dreamed about how it would be when he got home. We talked about our children, his and mine..and how we'd have two of our own. We want lots of kids, never a dull moment. :) We talked about how our baby girl would have his Irish green eyes and pink undertones in her porcelain skin. We talked about our goals and ambitions.. About growing old together, swaying in a hammock in the backyard, sipping sangrias and star gazing. How we'd make wishes at sunset upon greenflash and hold eachother close.

I miss him already, but I look around me and my reality lacks the physical element of his existence. He's somewhat of a phantom, so to speak. How can I miss something I've never had? How can I embrace my emotions??

Now this war in the Middle East is at my doorstep and if it wasn't Tom knocking, I think I would have paid it no mind.

He rang before he left the airport this morning, as they were boarding the plane for a twenty hour journey into a different dimension. He cried. *tears* Bless his heart..

Anyways, thanks for just letting me just ramble. It's just so hard to know where to put any of this and keeping it inside is entirely debilitating for me today.

On the lighter side, heck, I'm getting married! Kinda crazy, I know..

pb wrote:
> Am I the only one who thinks I come across on the net as the same
> person I am in real life?
>
> Ah well...

I do mostly...although I tend to hold my tongue a bit more in real life, whereas I can be a bit more outspoken on t'net.

Voltaire wrote:
> EDIT
> Or maybe a mod did it. Who's responsible for general?


Not too sure why a mod touched it in the first place. There's nothing in the original title that was vulgar or offensive so should have been left alone.

Seraphim wrote:
> Whats the harm in giving it ago?

Ask someone who's been in a bad relationship.

> If we meet someone in a bar, and ok you meet them face to face,
> but what they tell you is it true? Probably not all the time.

True but you still get a better idea of who they are.

> We take risks, people get hurt. You never know when something
> might work or not till you give it ago. Take the risk, you get
> hurt you'll learn from it. Thats what life's about. If we all
> did nothing and just let things pass us by you get nowhere.

There are different sizes of gambling. When you're young free and single it's not such a big issue, when you've got kids it's a bigger problem as you well know. I've always felt you should only ever gamble if you're prepared to deal with the consequences of losing. If she invests heavily in this, whats the possible damage?

> Isnt it better to have tried and failed rather then not try and
> miss out on something?

100 guns, 98 are empty, 1 is loaded and the other has a flag saying you've won a million quid. Are you going to pull the trigger until you get one or the other?
You take an educated guess based on how you feel and what you know. I wouldn't gamble (especially not with children involved) on something i didn't know enough about.

Basically Ladybird, getting advice and everyone else's input is all well and good. Hoever we know nothing about this guy what so ever other then what you are telling us. You dont know him all that well but you know him on a better level then we do. Whats the harm in giving it ago? We all take risks right. Whether we meet someone in a bar or on the internet etc... were all in the same boat from the start.

If we meet someone in a bar, and ok you meet them face to face, but what they tell you is it true? Probably not all the time.

We take risks, people get hurt. You never know when something might work or not till you give it ago. Take the risk, you get hurt you'll learn from it. Thats what life's about. If we all did nothing and just let things pass us by you get nowhere.

Isnt it better to have tried and failed rather then not try and miss out on something?

Ladybird wrote:
> Well, I thought my title was just fine, because this really deals
> with a matter of mind-sets and not so much the factor of urgency
> to marry. But, to appease the masses in what they think
> this is all about, I'm sure the moderators feel very content in
> their decision to change my title. I just wish they'd shown
> some courtesy and consulted with me first.

They just took it upon themselves to change it for no good reason? I had hoped this nonsense had stopped but they just cant seem to stop shooting themselves in the foot. Well done once again boys and girls, keep interfering.

EDIT
Or maybe a mod did it. Who's responsible for general?

pb wrote:
> Am I the only one who thinks I come across on the net as the same
> person I am in real life?

Worthy of a topic of its own really. I think alot of people believe they do. Yet I'm willing to bet the reality of most people is different to their "net persona".

Again, I want to truly thank everyone for their comments, as they've indicated the general consensus.

Well, I thought my title was just fine, because this really deals with a matter of mind-sets and not so much the factor of urgency to marry. But, to appease the masses in what they think this is all about, I'm sure the moderators feel very content in their decision to change my title. I just wish they'd shown some courtesy and consulted with me first.

I'm not marrying him tomorrow. I may marry him in April. I do believe we've got a lot of time in between. Some people get married after a week of knowing eachother and after twenty-five years of marriage, say they just knew that person was the one the day they met.


Seraphim wrote:
> What you have to think about is... How many other
> women could he possibly feeding the same lines too?

Yeah, we've addressed the issue. I bring it up when I feel that sparky intuition, but I suppose I'm secure enough with myself to know (especially having gone through infidelity before), that the first validation and he's got some 'splaining to do or I'm dropping his butt flat. I'm -very- sure he knows that.

He's my age, also married twice before, suffered many legal and financial hardships as well. We've both given up on finding anyone to fit into the perverbial mold we envisioned in our youth and have come to view this as an opportunity of lifelong companionship with someone we admire, love and respect.

It's not like anyone's life is perfect and for everyone (except for a couple of you) to make out like your lives are so prestine and proper and like you've never taken a chance in life, I feel so sorry for you. Life is about living. Living is experiencing. Experiencing is not always doing things the right way, but putting yourself out on a limb knowing you'll possibly stumble..and when you do stumble, getting back up and trying again. How will you learn, if you don't ever take the risk? How can you say you're living?? How can you even have a say in this???

Life is all about risk and from what this man presents to me, I'm okay with having said yes to his proposal and spending the next several months getting to know him better. The more time that passes, the less crazy this feels.

I wish it wasn't this way, but damn The Man..he keeps dealing me these crappy cards. I don't see anything so grossly wrong in this particular senario, honestly.. Perhaps just the fact that we haven't actually physically touched eachother. Though, I'm quite thankful, however, for technological advancements that allow his physical presence right in my face every night. Technicolour baby! How's that for artistic lingo? Heh :P

> I guess there is just so much to think about.
>
> Either way girl... Follow your heart but tread carefully.

Thank you Sweetie. You rock. ;) It's all a gal can really ever do anyways.

Am I the only one who thinks I come across on the net as the same person I am in real life?

Ah well...

I'd say something of intrest, but I know as much about this as I know about politics. Nothing.

But, it sounds very stupid to me, and as sleepy says, meeting in a VERY crowded place would be a good idea.