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"Well, I did it."

Moved out.
Left the girlfriend.
Why?

After 6 weeks of silence, distance and abuse I've had enough. Last night, and having thought more and more about it since writing in this thread, I decided I wouldn't take it anymore.
Started as soon as I got in, and I mean literally the moment I stepped through the door.

Door opens, I walk in and take off coat.
"You're home then" in a foul mood
"Uh...yes"
She grabs her fags and goes back upstairs, slamming the door.
I sit down in the living room and think "Here we go again"
10 mins later she comes in, slams her ashtray down "I didn't do any food, what do you fancy?"
"Ah...I'm fine thanks, not hungry"
"You c###"
"....what?"
"You pathetic c###"
And it goes again.

Phoned a mate to help me get my stuff out as quickly as possible and tolerate almost an hour of being told "You're ####ing stupid" and "I ####ing hate you, you worthless ####"

*sighs*
That's what happens when you're a nice bloke and treat women like dirt or slap them about - you get abused, without rhyme or reason, non-stop for 6 weeks. Night and day from the moment you get in until the moment you fall asleep.
I've not slept at all last night and currently sit at my desk trying to work out just what the hell happened.

But I do recognise the pattern of abuse in relationships.
Person gets angry, person says vile and hateful things.
Person then tells you that you're the reason they said those things because "you're so ####ing stupid".
It's the same old situation of a bloke standing over the cowering wife shouting "Look what you made me do"

No more. I'd rather take a few days of inconvenience and sleepless nights rather than have somebody constantly put me down, tell me I'm worthless and sneer at everything said or done.
Women? No thanks, I'm sure there are some perfect ones out there but I've had my fill for a long time.
Video games, music and mates is my existence.

And Scotty, if you're reading this mate, thanks for helping me last night. I rang because I knew you'd come running to help me, and I'd do the same for you without question or hesitation. I can't tell you how much I appreciate what you did for me, I am forever in your debt dude.

Now, where's my ####ing cigarettes and coffee?
This boy has 6 weeks of repressed anger and now-safe-to-vent fury to bleed out.

The cycle you describe of the put downs then the apologies is basically a mirror image of the typical male domestic violence cycle. A woman is not expected to put up with being struck by a man (although many stay in these abusive relationships) so why should a man be expected to do the same? The fact that it is emotional abuse as opposed to physical abuse makes it no less damaging to the person on the receiving end. You are one of the people who have walked away. Be proud and happy rather than angry. You are now a stronger person (I in no way mean this in a derogatory fashion BTW :) )

Appreciated IB.
Usually I'd respond with pithy comments and we'd joust but I don't really feel in the mood for that banter.

You have fun away?

RosaIind wrote:
> For clarity, is this sarcstic?
>
> where have you been?

I was in the land of caves and fledgling post-industrial technology; Wales. Interesting that they still don't have channel 5 over there. Or digital TV, or broadband internet...

Anyway, I wasn't taking a dig at Goatboy, if that's what you mean.

I recommend women from other countries. At least when they do get in a mood they tend to revert to their own language, so you can't understand them anyway!

But seriously, I think you made the right move this time and well done for having the courage to do it. Hopefully one day you'll find someone who really appreciates you, but I can see why you'd need some space at the moment. Take the time to relax and do all the things you wanted to before, but couldn't.

Insane Bartender wrote:
> I did miss the Life forum while I was away.

For clarity, is this sarcstic?

where have you been?

Hmm. Well here is what I think. I want prefix it by saying this is just my opinon, I don't mean in any way to demean your situation, or patronise you.

excuse me if this rambles, this is partly to claer my own head.

In every workable relasionship there is a dominant partner. One who will usually bow down to the wishes of the other. This isn't all bad though. Drawing on my own relationship, I would have to say I am the more dominant partner. But I respect the Ogre so I often do as he wants, because It is the most sensible option, or because I want him to be happy. Sometimes I overrule him, and he usually caves in. Occasionally there are things that we can't resolve this way and we fall to arguing about them. I would respect the Ogre less if he didn't shout back at me when I shout at him. I go too far sometimes though, and I have been nasty to him, or even in one case hit him (I don't think I'll forgive myself for this one). I am always mortified afterwards, and he has always forgiven me.

i think what I mean is that sometimes if people shout at you, you just have to shout back.

I did miss the Life forum while I was away.

It's not being walked over.
Actually....it is thinking about it, it's just hard to admit it to yourself.

The problem is, I've been subjected to domestic violence as a kid and swore that I would never, ever treat a woman badly. I'd never put her down, shout at her, call her stupid or lord it above her because I've seen the damage it can cause to a person to be constantly put down and screamed at.

So all the time she was being abusive, I was thinking "She's stressed" or "She's worried about money" or any other number of excuses and would swallow being treated exactly the way I would never ever do.
But it reached the point where I realised "Actually, she isn't your problem and despite what she says, you're not pathetic/stupid/useless" and recognised the pattern of abusive behaviour:

Calm.
Smouldering anger
Fury
Calm

Always the same cycle, with tears and promises of never doing that again and "I'm so sorry" and "I'm not right in the head" and me being me, think "Ok, this time it might be different" and all is well for a day.
But then it starts again.
There has to come a point, where for your own worth, you have to end a relationship like that. It serves no good and will only break you in the end.
I just had to reach the point where I thought "Enough is enough" and did what I had to do.

Now I feel tired and just want a quiet life with someone that isn't trying to kill ghosts by using me.

Being the sadistic child I am, I'd for the latter.

On a (slightly) more serious note, I hope it all goes to plan, but I'm sure you've done the right thing :)

You don't came across as someone who would let themselves be walked all over. I guess you have proved your not, by leaving.