Viewing Thread:
"Your Movie Reviews"

Films I have seen that can be boiled down for comedy effect. Because I’m bored and if I have another smoke, I’ll be sick all over my shoes.
More when I can be bothered.
Add your own as you go along.
----

Titanic
“Hello, I’m Oirish peasant Leonardo De Caprio. Aren’t I cute?”
“I’m upper-class repressed Rose Dewitt Bukake. I long to be barefoot and in love”
“I’m evil Billy Zane. Look at my eyebrows and insincere manners”
“C’mon Rose, let’s be rich and enjoy life with all the nice things money can buy”
“No, I want to be painted naked by a pikey and then almost drown several times”
“Hello, I’m loveable Oirish Leonardo. Isn’t being poor a noble tradition? Except for the stereotypes below decks. They have no money but live life more fully than these stuffy people. Get your baps out”
“I think I love you Leonardo”
“I’m king of the world!”
“Now we’re sinking. Look, the rich people are pushing children out of the way. They are clearly evil”
“Yes. Let’s float away on this flotsam. I love you”
“I’ll never let you go Leonardo.”
“Ta”
“You’re dead now, so I’ll push you into the sea and drift to rescue”
“I’m Bill Paxton. Give me the expensive diamond”
“I’m going to throw it in the sea. For love”
“Hang on, you broke your mother’s heart by shunning the rich dude. Then you eloped with an Oirish peasant and brought shame on your family. Then you caused the deaths of a few hundred people by snogging baby-faced Leonardo, causing the watchman to not see the iceberg the size of Ireland, now you’re throwing the diamond into the sea?”
“My heart will go ooooooooooooon”

Forrest Gump
“I’m loveable retard Forrest Gump. Look, I taught Elvis how to dance.”
“I hate you retard child, so I will offer you cliché life philosophy in exchange for love”
“Thanks Ma”
“No biggie. Now I’m going to die. Be good to others and don’t eat things off the floor. You Benny”
“I love Jenny”
“I like you. But as a friend, you retard”
“I’m going to join the army now. Hello black dude, my retard kindness allows me to act as a cipher for the loving tolerance Americans wished they had”
“I like shrimp”
“We’re being sent to Vietnam. I hope my low-end IQ doesn’t hinder me from being sent there”
“It didn’t hinder you being drafted. Despite clearly being a disqualifying factor in selection for armed forces”
“Lt Dan! Lt Dan! You’ve just had your legs blown off”
“That’s because I expressed dislike for the army and questioned whether this war was morally correct”
“I survived intact though”
“That’s because you follow without question or independent thought.”
“Now I’m going to meet loads of famous people and then leave the army. Where’s Jenny?”
“I’m an anti-war protestor. I’m torn between my morals and my un-natural love for a retard”
“Lt Dan, you’re drunk”
“I’m bitter I lost my legs. Why did I ever question Vietnam?”
“I have succeeded with zero intelligence, merely an unquestioning belief in authority and complete obedience to whatever The Army/President/Media tells me to. Where’s Jenny?”
“I was an anti-war protestor. And as punishment I now have AIDS.”
“I lost my legs! What’s the message here?”
“Don’t ask me, I’m the black dude that died. I like shrimp”
“Now we have a child Jenny. But surely I would have contracted HIV as a result from having sex with you? And wouldn’t our child be born with the disease, as the mother was a host? And why isn’t our child retarded?”
“This is the best film ever. Let’s give it lots of Oscars and make Hanks a star”

Ha ha, liked the Titanic one



Armageddon

"Uh oh, big rock heading this way"
"Get some rednecks, they can blow it up"
"Hi, I'm Bruce Willis. My daughter is fit"
"I'm his daughter. I'm fit"
"I'm Ben Affleck. I suck. But I'm with a fit bird"
"Let's go to space! Woah, that was a close one, but we landed on the asteroid"
"Drill some holes!"
"Argh! Space is making me crazy!"
"We haven't drilled enough! We're all going to die!"
"Oh, wait, it's alright. We've done it..."
"I'm a Russian stereo-type. Don't touch me, capitalist pigs!"
"Have you drilled the hole yet?"
"Yeah, but guess what? One of us has to stay here and blow it up himself!"
"Me, me, me, me, me, me, me!"
"Quiet, Affleck. I'll do it. Now get outta here, and don't shag my daughter!"
"I love you!"
"Dude! You just told a guy you love him!"
"Bye, Bruce. We'll miss you!"
"Wait, where are you going?! Don't leave me!"
*bang*
"Now I'm free to bang his fit daughter... let's all listen to Aerosmith!"

Most amusing

I liked Forrest Gump though

Films I have seen that can be boiled down for comedy effect. Because I’m bored and if I have another smoke, I’ll be sick all over my shoes.
More when I can be bothered.
Add your own as you go along.
----

Titanic
“Hello, I’m Oirish peasant Leonardo De Caprio. Aren’t I cute?”
“I’m upper-class repressed Rose Dewitt Bukake. I long to be barefoot and in love”
“I’m evil Billy Zane. Look at my eyebrows and insincere manners”
“C’mon Rose, let’s be rich and enjoy life with all the nice things money can buy”
“No, I want to be painted naked by a pikey and then almost drown several times”
“Hello, I’m loveable Oirish Leonardo. Isn’t being poor a noble tradition? Except for the stereotypes below decks. They have no money but live life more fully than these stuffy people. Get your baps out”
“I think I love you Leonardo”
“I’m king of the world!”
“Now we’re sinking. Look, the rich people are pushing children out of the way. They are clearly evil”
“Yes. Let’s float away on this flotsam. I love you”
“I’ll never let you go Leonardo.”
“Ta”
“You’re dead now, so I’ll push you into the sea and drift to rescue”
“I’m Bill Paxton. Give me the expensive diamond”
“I’m going to throw it in the sea. For love”
“Hang on, you broke your mother’s heart by shunning the rich dude. Then you eloped with an Oirish peasant and brought shame on your family. Then you caused the deaths of a few hundred people by snogging baby-faced Leonardo, causing the watchman to not see the iceberg the size of Ireland, now you’re throwing the diamond into the sea?”
“My heart will go ooooooooooooon”

Forrest Gump
“I’m loveable retard Forrest Gump. Look, I taught Elvis how to dance.”
“I hate you retard child, so I will offer you cliché life philosophy in exchange for love”
“Thanks Ma”
“No biggie. Now I’m going to die. Be good to others and don’t eat things off the floor. You Benny”
“I love Jenny”
“I like you. But as a friend, you retard”
“I’m going to join the army now. Hello black dude, my retard kindness allows me to act as a cipher for the loving tolerance Americans wished they had”
“I like shrimp”
“We’re being sent to Vietnam. I hope my low-end IQ doesn’t hinder me from being sent there”
“It didn’t hinder you being drafted. Despite clearly being a disqualifying factor in selection for armed forces”
“Lt Dan! Lt Dan! You’ve just had your legs blown off”
“That’s because I expressed dislike for the army and questioned whether this war was morally correct”
“I survived intact though”
“That’s because you follow without question or independent thought.”
“Now I’m going to meet loads of famous people and then leave the army. Where’s Jenny?”
“I’m an anti-war protestor. I’m torn between my morals and my un-natural love for a retard”
“Lt Dan, you’re drunk”
“I’m bitter I lost my legs. Why did I ever question Vietnam?”
“I have succeeded with zero intelligence, merely an unquestioning belief in authority and complete obedience to whatever The Army/President/Media tells me to. Where’s Jenny?”
“I was an anti-war protestor. And as punishment I now have AIDS.”
“I lost my legs! What’s the message here?”
“Don’t ask me, I’m the black dude that died. I like shrimp”
“Now we have a child Jenny. But surely I would have contracted HIV as a result from having sex with you? And wouldn’t our child be born with the disease, as the mother was a host? And why isn’t our child retarded?”
“This is the best film ever. Let’s give it lots of Oscars and make Hanks a star”