Viewing Thread:
"Your Movie Reviews"

Films I have seen that can be boiled down for comedy effect. Because I’m bored and if I have another smoke, I’ll be sick all over my shoes.
More when I can be bothered.
Add your own as you go along.
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Titanic
“Hello, I’m Oirish peasant Leonardo De Caprio. Aren’t I cute?”
“I’m upper-class repressed Rose Dewitt Bukake. I long to be barefoot and in love”
“I’m evil Billy Zane. Look at my eyebrows and insincere manners”
“C’mon Rose, let’s be rich and enjoy life with all the nice things money can buy”
“No, I want to be painted naked by a pikey and then almost drown several times”
“Hello, I’m loveable Oirish Leonardo. Isn’t being poor a noble tradition? Except for the stereotypes below decks. They have no money but live life more fully than these stuffy people. Get your baps out”
“I think I love you Leonardo”
“I’m king of the world!”
“Now we’re sinking. Look, the rich people are pushing children out of the way. They are clearly evil”
“Yes. Let’s float away on this flotsam. I love you”
“I’ll never let you go Leonardo.”
“Ta”
“You’re dead now, so I’ll push you into the sea and drift to rescue”
“I’m Bill Paxton. Give me the expensive diamond”
“I’m going to throw it in the sea. For love”
“Hang on, you broke your mother’s heart by shunning the rich dude. Then you eloped with an Oirish peasant and brought shame on your family. Then you caused the deaths of a few hundred people by snogging baby-faced Leonardo, causing the watchman to not see the iceberg the size of Ireland, now you’re throwing the diamond into the sea?”
“My heart will go ooooooooooooon”

Forrest Gump
“I’m loveable retard Forrest Gump. Look, I taught Elvis how to dance.”
“I hate you retard child, so I will offer you cliché life philosophy in exchange for love”
“Thanks Ma”
“No biggie. Now I’m going to die. Be good to others and don’t eat things off the floor. You Benny”
“I love Jenny”
“I like you. But as a friend, you retard”
“I’m going to join the army now. Hello black dude, my retard kindness allows me to act as a cipher for the loving tolerance Americans wished they had”
“I like shrimp”
“We’re being sent to Vietnam. I hope my low-end IQ doesn’t hinder me from being sent there”
“It didn’t hinder you being drafted. Despite clearly being a disqualifying factor in selection for armed forces”
“Lt Dan! Lt Dan! You’ve just had your legs blown off”
“That’s because I expressed dislike for the army and questioned whether this war was morally correct”
“I survived intact though”
“That’s because you follow without question or independent thought.”
“Now I’m going to meet loads of famous people and then leave the army. Where’s Jenny?”
“I’m an anti-war protestor. I’m torn between my morals and my un-natural love for a retard”
“Lt Dan, you’re drunk”
“I’m bitter I lost my legs. Why did I ever question Vietnam?”
“I have succeeded with zero intelligence, merely an unquestioning belief in authority and complete obedience to whatever The Army/President/Media tells me to. Where’s Jenny?”
“I was an anti-war protestor. And as punishment I now have AIDS.”
“I lost my legs! What’s the message here?”
“Don’t ask me, I’m the black dude that died. I like shrimp”
“Now we have a child Jenny. But surely I would have contracted HIV as a result from having sex with you? And wouldn’t our child be born with the disease, as the mother was a host? And why isn’t our child retarded?”
“This is the best film ever. Let’s give it lots of Oscars and make Hanks a star”

Unbreakable

"Hello, I'm a tortured Bruce Willis. Feel my pain"
"Dad I think you're superman"
"No, I'm Bruce Willis. See my squinty eyes"
"I'm Samuel L Jackson with a really odd haircut. Also, I like comics"
"I survived a train wreck, I'm tortured and nearly crying a lot."
"Cheer up dad, I think you're spiderman"
"No"
"Life these weights"
"Alright. Wow, I totally lifted those weights"
"You're my hero!"
"I feel sad and will go to see Samuel L Jackson to talk about comics"
"And I will strike down upon thee with great veng...er...comics rule"
"You're strangely evil in a quiet way. Also a cripple, which means you are bitter and angry"
"No I'm not! No, wait. I am. You are my nemesis. With superpowers"
"Cool. I will solve crimes with my new superhero ability. I hope nobody gets into trouble near water, my only weakness"
"Dad, I love you"
"I foiled a home invasion using my superpowers of...er...a chokehold"
"You are my nemesis, Super Bruce. I hate you"
"You're mental"

The End

Alien 4:

Evil man "Clone 9 say fork"

Ripley-clone "Drink"

Evil man "Fork"

Ripley-clone "Feck!"

Evil man "Fork"

Ripley-clone "Fork off!"

Cattle prod zap.

Lot's of people then run about in the Poisiden (sp?) meets er Alien and some off them die, one has a critter like xenomroph within the cavity if his stomach.

Then shock horror! Winnona is actually an android who also has a perchant for designer labels, hers being of course 54647db9x.

Then some more stuff goes on for a bit and some gross birth happens and Robbie Jacksons long lost (and long late) twin appears and eats someones head like a cabury's cream egg, only one made of human tissue, a skull and containing brains (that wasn't a best seller).

He dies too.

THE END

The Sixth Sense:

"This movie is appallingly average"
"Yes, but I'm a cute little kid, so the girls watch it. And that means the boys come so when the girls get scared the boys hold the girls hands"
"Oh, wait, swerve ending"
"Wow"
"So that makes it a classic, right?"
"Yeah sure whatever"

This rules all.

Signs

"Mel! Mel! I'm in desperate need of a hit after Unbreakable."
"No problem. Here am I, a disillusioned preacher. You tell from my one word sentences and protruding brow."
"I'm Joaquin Phoenix. I'm never going to be as famous as my brother, but I can gurn a treat. Look at my freakishly disfigured grin."
"Holy rusted metal Mad Max, some aliens."
"Fetch a torch, that should sort 'em."
"The kid from Home Alone's brother is looking nervous, and the other one is leaving glasses of water everywhere. What should we do, Wallace?"
"Let's go visit the vet. He is wise and ran over my wife. But thats OK, without her dying I had no excuse to pout."
"It's M Night ShayalaamsldlANANANam everyone, in no way shamelessly copying Hitchcock."
"Argh, a hand! The only solution to this is surely to board up all the windows and wear camp as hell tin caps."
"Sod it, I'm going to have yet another crisis of faith."
"Bid Daddy Mad Max, aliens! I need more water to leave in stragetic positions!"
"Erm, Mel, the Culkin kid hasn't really said anything. I think he might be a spastic. Argh, an alien's got him!"
"My dead wife predicted this moment!"
"Really?"
"No."
"I'm going to hit it with this baseball bat, and grunt. I think the grunting really helps."
"It's melting. If this was Mad Max, we'd be screwed. We had no water."
"Erm, N Night Antifaith, on a planet that's mostly water, wouldn't they die from the air?"
"Er..."
"Gurn Commudus Gurn!"

Face Off

" I killed your son whilst trying to kill you, I blame the dodgy moustache "
" He killed my son, I hate him "
" I shaved my moustache and now I'm going to blow up a building "

" Let's go get him , he's at an airport "
" Oh no I'm caught and just got smashed by a big fan "
" He's finally dead, I can get on with life now "

" Right he's got a bomb but we don't no where. Instead of beating the hell out the brother to find out how about we make up some stupid plot where we take his face off and put it on yours... Simple eh? "
" Yeah alright "

" OOohh I'm Castor Troy... where's the bomb... blah blah, time to go home "

" I'm the real Castor Troy... I've come back from the dead, my face looks like tomato sauce "
" Oi doctor put my face on... okay... Argh don't burn me and everyone else who knew "

Blah Blah... now they're each other and he's shagging John travolta's really old wife... blah blah... that's a nice kid

" Oooh everyone knows now... lets have a gun fight in a church then move onto boats for desert "
" Aye "

" Gimmie me my face back "
" Naw "
" Aye "
" Bam, yer deid "

" Heh I'm back to normal and have a new kid "

The End

This rules.
Attack of The Clones made my sides hurt.

Snatch

"Fack 'Orf"
"I'm Benecio del Toro..mumble mumble mumble"
"I'm a bald cockney. You fakka"
"I hate pikeys"
"I'm Vinnie Jones. That's about it really."
"Fack 'orf"
"I'm Alan Ford. Look at my teeth and massive glasses."
"har har, you look like you stink of cigarettes"
"Feed 'im the to pigs"
"Fack 'orf"
"mumble mumble Brad Pitt mumble mumble"
"I hate pikeys"
"Why are there no women in this movie?"
"Fakking women are evil. Fack 'orf"
"I hate pikeys"
"I'm a comical ethnic character"
"So am I. Is anyone offended by the stereotypes?"
"Course I am"
"I hate pikeys"
"Fack 'orf"

SHEEPY wrote:
> Liv Tyler is an ugly bint

---------

I shall burn thee!

Pearl Harbour -

"Wow, it sure is great being a hillbilly... oh, look, you can't spell!"
"I reckon we'll be pilots"

"Wow... we're pilots!"
"Hey, a fit nurse!"
"She ain't fit, she's average at best..."
"Will you go out with me?"
"I've never met you before, but if I could spend one more day on this earth, it'd be with you... Oh, you're dead. Hey, you're his friend, right? If I could spend one more day on this earth..."

"Hey, I'm back. Oi! You're banging my bird!"
"We thought you were dead! She didn't want to be a necrophiliac!"
"Why I oughta- Hey, look, the Japanese are attacking us!"
"How inconvenient!"

"Wow, that sure was a close call, but now they're gone, so we can get on with the main plot about two lads fighting over an average looking girl, who swings between us like a yo-yo... stupid w***e."
"Yeah, let's settle this- Oh, wait, we're in World War 2 now, better go bomb Japan!"

"Well, we bombed Japan, but now you've been shot!"
"Don't bang my bird!"

"Where's Josh?"
"He's dead, but he said I could bang you!"
"Woo!"

The End

Liv Tyler: "Oh SHEEPY, you hunky Scot you, take me"
SHEEPY: "Nah, ye bint. Git oot ma fase."
Liv Tyler: "I love a man who knows how to be dominant"
SHEEPY: "Wha? Ye talkin' crap, git oot ma bed!"

Yeah, that might happen *cough*.

Star Wars: Attack of the Clones

"Hey, I'm the token black security guard. Again. A CGI ship blew up."
"I'm Natalie Portman and as people like me I'm going to wear more revealing outfits in this one for no reason."
"As I'm Anakin all grown up, I will look surly while staring at your breasts."
"No, you must grow a ginger beard. Like me."
"Master, you ever had sex?"
"...Look, a CGI Yoda! He'll obviously send me on a dead-end mission while you go fall in love."
"I'd prefer to be surly at the people who killed my mum. I'm wearing a evil outfit. Look at the shoulders. Good symbolism, eh?"

"Time to fight the bloke from Once Were Warriors. Crap, he got away."

"Nat, I love your increasingly skimpy outfits."
"And I love your girly ponytail."

"Time to chase the bloke from Once Were Warriors through a asteroid field eerily similiar to the one from Hoth. Crap, he got away."
"Crap, he got me captured. Hopefully Dooku won't burn me in a huge wicker man."

"My mums dead, and I killed the kids. But you love me, right?"
"Time to go rescue Obi-Wan. Mace will probably go all Pulp Fiction, but we'll go anyway."
"We'll get captured."
"B****r, you were right. I love you."

"We can't possibly get out of this one, Master. Dooku will surely burn us now. And I can't even see Britt Ekland anywhere."
"I'm a mean-ass black guy here to kill you all. Look at me fight these CGI things with a CGI saber in a CGI arena."
"Hahahahaha, time to burn you."
"Surely Yoda with an even more exaggerated syntax will save us?"
..."yup."
"Having saved all the priceless Jedi, we'll send them back into a battle where their Force skills will do no good against mass fire."
"Yeah...but my arms gone. Crap."

Liv Tyler is an ugly bint

And the Russian stereotype made me laugh, they all do.