Viewing Thread:
"Your Movie Reviews"

Films I have seen that can be boiled down for comedy effect. Because I’m bored and if I have another smoke, I’ll be sick all over my shoes.
More when I can be bothered.
Add your own as you go along.
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Titanic
“Hello, I’m Oirish peasant Leonardo De Caprio. Aren’t I cute?”
“I’m upper-class repressed Rose Dewitt Bukake. I long to be barefoot and in love”
“I’m evil Billy Zane. Look at my eyebrows and insincere manners”
“C’mon Rose, let’s be rich and enjoy life with all the nice things money can buy”
“No, I want to be painted naked by a pikey and then almost drown several times”
“Hello, I’m loveable Oirish Leonardo. Isn’t being poor a noble tradition? Except for the stereotypes below decks. They have no money but live life more fully than these stuffy people. Get your baps out”
“I think I love you Leonardo”
“I’m king of the world!”
“Now we’re sinking. Look, the rich people are pushing children out of the way. They are clearly evil”
“Yes. Let’s float away on this flotsam. I love you”
“I’ll never let you go Leonardo.”
“Ta”
“You’re dead now, so I’ll push you into the sea and drift to rescue”
“I’m Bill Paxton. Give me the expensive diamond”
“I’m going to throw it in the sea. For love”
“Hang on, you broke your mother’s heart by shunning the rich dude. Then you eloped with an Oirish peasant and brought shame on your family. Then you caused the deaths of a few hundred people by snogging baby-faced Leonardo, causing the watchman to not see the iceberg the size of Ireland, now you’re throwing the diamond into the sea?”
“My heart will go ooooooooooooon”

Forrest Gump
“I’m loveable retard Forrest Gump. Look, I taught Elvis how to dance.”
“I hate you retard child, so I will offer you cliché life philosophy in exchange for love”
“Thanks Ma”
“No biggie. Now I’m going to die. Be good to others and don’t eat things off the floor. You Benny”
“I love Jenny”
“I like you. But as a friend, you retard”
“I’m going to join the army now. Hello black dude, my retard kindness allows me to act as a cipher for the loving tolerance Americans wished they had”
“I like shrimp”
“We’re being sent to Vietnam. I hope my low-end IQ doesn’t hinder me from being sent there”
“It didn’t hinder you being drafted. Despite clearly being a disqualifying factor in selection for armed forces”
“Lt Dan! Lt Dan! You’ve just had your legs blown off”
“That’s because I expressed dislike for the army and questioned whether this war was morally correct”
“I survived intact though”
“That’s because you follow without question or independent thought.”
“Now I’m going to meet loads of famous people and then leave the army. Where’s Jenny?”
“I’m an anti-war protestor. I’m torn between my morals and my un-natural love for a retard”
“Lt Dan, you’re drunk”
“I’m bitter I lost my legs. Why did I ever question Vietnam?”
“I have succeeded with zero intelligence, merely an unquestioning belief in authority and complete obedience to whatever The Army/President/Media tells me to. Where’s Jenny?”
“I was an anti-war protestor. And as punishment I now have AIDS.”
“I lost my legs! What’s the message here?”
“Don’t ask me, I’m the black dude that died. I like shrimp”
“Now we have a child Jenny. But surely I would have contracted HIV as a result from having sex with you? And wouldn’t our child be born with the disease, as the mother was a host? And why isn’t our child retarded?”
“This is the best film ever. Let’s give it lots of Oscars and make Hanks a star”

Reservoir Dogs

"I like Madonna"
"Me too"
"Me also"
"I dont tip"
"I bet you come back in Pulp Fiction as a waiter"
"I've been shot and it really hurts. Are you my daddy?"
"I'm Harvey Keitel. I'll probably take my kit off later and cry a lot"
"Whoa daddy, he's dead. Is he dead?"
"He's my substitute son to give emotional depth to what is otherwise a bunch of blokes swearing and saying cool stuff about Madonna"
"We got a rat in the house"
"Run down the street in a confusing flashback"
"Ok"
"Now I'll have a flashback"
"Right, time to shoot people?"
"No, let's talk about Madonna. Here's Michael Madsen"
"I'm a loony. Let's shoot each other"
"No. Are you the rat?"
"No. But I'm cool and murderous"
"Ok. Well someone's the rat"
"It's certainly not Tim Roth, he's bleeding and stuff"
"I like Madonna"
"Have you had a flashback yet Michael Madsen?"
"No. Wait.....now I have"
"Here's Sean Penn's fat brother in a shellsuit. Does he like Madonna?"
"Daddy is angry. Let's leave the pyscho with the cop and the totally innocent Tim Roth."
"Can I take my kit off and cry yet Quentin?"
"Shush Keitel"
"I'm nutty. I'm going to slash you and burn you, pig"
"No, don't"
"You haven't had a flashback, you're not important"
"I'll shoot you now Madsen and reveal the shocking twist. With a flashback. And here comes Daddy Keitel to kiss me better"
"He's a cop"
"No he's not"
"I like Madonna, he doesn't. That makes him a cop"
"I'll shoot you"
"I'll shoot you then"
"I'll shoot him, then you and then myself"
"Can I cry naked yet?"

Fight Club

"Damn, bored of job. Like therapy groups though. Oh hello"
"I'm Tyler. Punch Me"
"Okie Dokie"
"Let's start a fight club"
"The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is; you DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Fight"
"Ow, that hurt"
"Hur Hur, pictures of members in kiddies films"
"The first rule of Project Mayhem is; you do not ask questions"
"Can I ask a question?"
"What did I just say?"
"Ah! You asked one then"
"Oh my, I am completely f***ed up head-wise"
"Yes. Let's die with the camera behind us"

Parry Hotter and the Philosopher's Stone.

"Why hello. I have freakishly large hair and seem to be locked in the cupboard by the guy from Withanil and I."
"Hush Parry. I wish to pat my fatarse son on his head."
"I hate you. Look at my teenage angst."
"Argh, comical letter delivered by owl things. To a island!"
"My knee....aches."
"Hello Hagrid. You're comically large and bellowing."
"You shouldn't have said that."
"That's not funny."
"Shut up Monty. Come with me, Parry, so I can buy you things and take you places. Honest."
"What the hell is John Hurt doing here?"
"Hell if I know. Here's your cockney ginger mate. And also an annoying she-cretin."
"Wow, you have a Crayola scar. We love you Parry."
"Let's all scowl about being young. Aha, Richard Harris. Again."
"Have magical adventures kids, and play Quidditch."
"Dirrrrty."
"Shut up Rickman."
"I'm Rickman. I can scowl even better than you and the way I draw out my sentences shows how dastardly I am. I wear black too. Oh, I'm such a villian."
"You were better in Die Hard."
"Shut up Parry."
"DOG! DOG!"
"Shut up Parry."
"CGI THING! CGI THING!"
"Quiet Parry."
"People are not liking my scowling and overlarge hair, cockney mate. What shall I do?"
"Let's go and have more magical adventures. It's bound to be Rickman."
"It's not. I read the book."
"Shut up Parry."
"Follow me. I'm a stereotypically posh girl."
"I still think it's Gruber."
"DOG!DOG!"
"She-cretin, gag the Parry."
"STUPIDLY GAY CHESSBOARD!"
"Parry, cockney and me have got bored of your whining. Go face the evil thing, It's bound to start with V. That sounds evil."
"Botherations, it's not Rickman. Everyone knew it was the simpering guy."
"Look at me simper in a bad guy way."
"Argh, a big head in your head. I'm so scared."
"Die Parry Die."
"Aha, magical super-hands. I knew there was another use for them."
"Argh, Parry is killing me."
"Ow, my kid-courage is dying. Where is Harris?"
"Parry, you won. You're a child hero, and probably the next Culkin. Can I touch you?"
"No."

Goaty's LotR made me laugh when I was drinking. Git, now my Q key is buggered.

*sees LOTR getting bashed*

*looks for Calum*

SHEEPY wrote:
> " Let's hunt some orc " is possibly the worst line in any
> film

Along with "Nobody tosses a Dwarf", which ruined about two hours of film build-up in 5 seconds.

Se7en

"I'm old, a detective, and wise, and wear a hat, and Morgan Freeman, just like every film I'm in"
"Really? Cool! I'm Brad Pitt! So I'm cool! Can I join with you?"
"No. Go away."
"But you've forgotten! Though I'm much less talented than you, I get paid more because some 10-year old girls are in love with me, because a magazine said so!"

"I am mysterious murderer and I'm really maaaaaaaad! And even though you will hear my voice, and see my while I hit you, you don't know who I am! I'm maaaaaaaad!"
"Haven't we heard this before? Wait, it's Kevin Spacey! Go Kev!"
"My plan to give myself up to you so you could kill me was real maaaaaaad, don't you think!
"Well, you're dead, and I got to bang Gwyneth Paltrow."

" Let's hunt some orc " is possibly the worst line in any film

Lord of The Rings

"I'm a midget. I mean Hobbit."
"I'm a wizard. Take this ring and chuck it in the mountain of Doom"
"Isn't that dangerous?"
"Yep"
"Can't you do it? You're a wizard"
"Nope. Just do it Stumpy. You'll need a fat, gay ginger bodyguard. Sam!"
"I've ballooned since The Goonies."
"Come Sam, let's seek comedy sidekicks"
"I'm Viggo Mortenson. I'm totally hot"
"Hands off Longshanks, he's mine!"
"Cool it fat gay ginger man, I'm here to be mystic and hot. Look at my nob"
"We must follow him into the woods"
"...hang on, this isn't right is it?"
"I've been stabbed by Evil Pony-Men. B****r"
"Here comes Liv Tyler"
"Hello Vigo, I love you"
"Not as much as I do"
"I'll take Frodo to Lothlorien, stay here with the fat gay ginger one"
"...lesbian"
"Now Frodo is all better, let's sit and have Agent Smith tell us stuff"
"You musssst throw the ring in the fire, Mr Ssssmith."
"He was much better in The Matrix"
"Hush, here comes a dwarf, Sharpe and what appears to be Anthea Turner"
"I'm Legolas. Like my hair?"
"Let's fight some CGI goblins and orcs in a cave"
"Why?"
"Because this movie is meeting/plod along/fight/meeting/plod along/fight"
"I'm tired"
"Gandalf is dead"
"He was a crap wizard really"
"Legolas, why are you such a fairy?"
"Shurrup Aragorn, I'll have yer eyes out"
"Now I'm going to go off in a boat. Hopefully I can lost my fat, gay ginger bodyguard"
"Mr Frodo! Mr Frodo!"
"Christ...ah well, at least I can feed him to Shelob or something"
"Let's hunt some Orc"
"That wasn't in the book"
"No, but right now there isn't a dry seat in the house. I rule"

Gladiator

"You've been fighting for ten years, my general."
"Twelve, my lord."
"Yeah, whatever. You can home now."
"Cool!"
"Nah, not really. Sacrifice your life by becoming emperor."
"I love you Richard Harris."
"No! I'm Dark Phoenix and am here to kill you good. Also, I like my sister."
"I want to home. I also like your sister."
"Kill him, trusted friend of Maximus."
"Erm, ok. But I'll redeem myself later by helping him kill you, okey day?"
"I want to go home, but now you've almost chopped my arm off it's time to ride from Germany to Spain in a ridiculously small amount of time."

"Crap, they've killed my kid and wife, so I'll spit on their feet for some reason."
"I'm another Token Black Guy. Time to say mystical vague stuff and point at Oliver Reed."
"But he died."
"Damn, time for more CGI."
"I want to go home."
"Not yet, you ponce. Kill these people then I'll set you free."
"OK."
"Aha, I lied. Let's go to Rome."
"But the Phoenix is there. Oh, I can kill him, right?"

"Hey, Token Black Guy, we're bonding to show how there was no racism even in the times before David Beckham. Also, I hate that my wife died so I'll kiss the rich bird."

"Sleep with me, sister."
"No."
"I'll kill your kid."
"Ok."

"Right, they all love me. Time to escape and come back with an army to kill them all. Oh no, the bloke with the comical moon scars on his face is dead. Weren't you in Braveheart?"

"Aha, it was you, sister person. In punishment, I'll kill Dark Phoenix."
"Quintus, help me."
"Nah, I warned you about this, you pleb."