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"You do nothing. Until you live within death."

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Sat 18/05/02 at 01:31
Regular
Posts: 787
It was then that I saw what I had been looking for, something I had looked for all my life and never been able to reach. I held my hand out to grasp this treasure but I let it leave me as easily as I took grasp. I let his hand go because he was going to let me fall anyway.

The light was getting dimmer now, no longer were there many options. Only a few tunnels remained as I stagger about fumbling against my pains. The two things in this life I had known were falling down around me, literally crumbling. Another, my last resort I could turn to that could keep me afloat let me drown. When all that happens, what do you do? How far would you go?

This object, the one I so desired was to be wanted. That feeling of being wanted has been needed ever since I was told I was not loved by my mountains, I had never made them proud and that they never wanted me.

When all these things happen. You realise you will never forget the expressions and the pain. Families don't forget, they only remember.

He walked away when I called to the door that he left shut. He left me to look at her in such a way that all I felt was hatred. How could I even think about hating my mother in that way? Vicious infinite regress.... forget those paths I mentioned earlier, this was a circle... it happens now near every other day, drink drives her. And it kills me. Yet she is blind and the rest of what is left of this household suffers.

Bye bye sister, bye bye brother, bye bye sister, you three left last year. Bye bye dad, you are still here, but you are merely a shell that operates on an excepting level. Its only me now and my little sister. Me, aged 17 and probably more mature than most thirty year olds. My little sister, confused and seeking her parents, although she only really has the good memories which haunt us both.

It rolls down my face now as I type. The tear tells the story on its own... struggling to release itself from my face, then when it finally drops it merely hits another part of my body and there it dries back in.

Over a year now, and too many secrets are kept.
Over a year now, and Joby has tried to end himself twice.
In a year from now, I will be out of this for sure.
Sat 18/05/02 at 01:40
Regular
"everyone says it"
Posts: 14,738
cookie monster wrote:
> Are you going to try and commit suicide again? Or are you leaving
> home?

I am very much living. Committing suicide is a contradiction in terms. What has happened and what is happening to me personally makes me who I am, experience is something which is always different for everyone. I tried to use myself as a means to an end last year... but what would I have left? Apart from more suffering for my little sister.

Life's not a show. Life is not bliss. Life is just this - Its Living.
Sat 18/05/02 at 01:38
Regular
"5 European Cups!!!"
Posts: 5,795
J...great post and I mean it (not that I haven't meant it other times). And, as pot-heads would say, that's deep. Tell you what though, it really hits home, because it's happening to a lot of people, but it's always kept behind closed doors. I'm honoured to be the first to post in what is, a really great thread.
You have a GAD coming your way.
Sat 18/05/02 at 01:36
Regular
"+34 Intellect"
Posts: 21,334
Are you going to try and commit suicide again? Or are you leaving home?
Sat 18/05/02 at 01:31
Regular
"everyone says it"
Posts: 14,738
It was then that I saw what I had been looking for, something I had looked for all my life and never been able to reach. I held my hand out to grasp this treasure but I let it leave me as easily as I took grasp. I let his hand go because he was going to let me fall anyway.

The light was getting dimmer now, no longer were there many options. Only a few tunnels remained as I stagger about fumbling against my pains. The two things in this life I had known were falling down around me, literally crumbling. Another, my last resort I could turn to that could keep me afloat let me drown. When all that happens, what do you do? How far would you go?

This object, the one I so desired was to be wanted. That feeling of being wanted has been needed ever since I was told I was not loved by my mountains, I had never made them proud and that they never wanted me.

When all these things happen. You realise you will never forget the expressions and the pain. Families don't forget, they only remember.

He walked away when I called to the door that he left shut. He left me to look at her in such a way that all I felt was hatred. How could I even think about hating my mother in that way? Vicious infinite regress.... forget those paths I mentioned earlier, this was a circle... it happens now near every other day, drink drives her. And it kills me. Yet she is blind and the rest of what is left of this household suffers.

Bye bye sister, bye bye brother, bye bye sister, you three left last year. Bye bye dad, you are still here, but you are merely a shell that operates on an excepting level. Its only me now and my little sister. Me, aged 17 and probably more mature than most thirty year olds. My little sister, confused and seeking her parents, although she only really has the good memories which haunt us both.

It rolls down my face now as I type. The tear tells the story on its own... struggling to release itself from my face, then when it finally drops it merely hits another part of my body and there it dries back in.

Over a year now, and too many secrets are kept.
Over a year now, and Joby has tried to end himself twice.
In a year from now, I will be out of this for sure.

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