Viewing Thread:
"Crap Map"

Do you live in one of Britain's 'worst' towns? Click onto the link at the bottom to nominate your own "crap town".

Welwyn Garden City - "I defy you to find one person smiling, or even anyone who isn't thinking 'Why am I here? Why am I here? Why am I here? Please someone kill me,' over and over again, then holding their breath until they pass out."

So goes one example of the thousands of nominations The Idler has received for inclusion on Britain's 'Crap Map' - a litany of dullness, bad architecture and general shame.

But do you live somewhere that has been nominated? Here's a selection of entries posted by members of the public:
Avonmouth - "This is the place that the cruel cashiers in the Severn Bridge toll booths send you to if you try and pay with a Switch card."

Batley - "A gothic, grimy, grindingly poor ghetto. Enough"
Bracknell - "This 'bustling' new town seems to have been designed to inflict the maximum cruelty on visitors and residents. A combination of violent drunken locals, the horrendous new town road system and a disgusting shopping centre combine to make this an essential place to visit and then leave again as the first available opportunity."

Crewe - "There is nothing in this bleak world to prepare the solitary soul as it enters Crewe for the first time."
Felixstowe - "Two types of people live in Felixstowe, the near dead and the brain dead."
Hayling Island - "Mostly populated by the over 70s, Hayling is the final destination of choice for wealthy people waiting to die."

Shepton Mallet - "Small, violent although rather quaint in parts. Features shootings, stabbings, an abnormally high percentage of Vauxhall Astras"

Walsall - "The filthy streets, the unwashed masses, the charming local accent that makes us sound as though we were born retarded and have been drinking turpentine every day since then... These are the best aspects of Walsall."

Don't think this compendium of misery is limited to England, people from all over the United Kingdom have made contributions:

Port Talbot, Wales - "A big steel works/refinery in the middle of a eerie sulphur infused lake surrounded by a few crumbling housing estates."

Ardossan, Scotland - "The single most depressingly dank place in the entire country"
Antrim, Northern Ireland - "Dilapidated council estates, more sportswear than Niketown Oxford Circus and 12 year old girls scary enough to make you want your mummy."

http://www.idler.co.uk/html/frontsection/ craptown/30_5/england.htm

Goatboy wrote:

> I want to get my mates and family out and napalm it.
> For a week.

I think that you should obliterate it using tactical nukes, just to be sure. No point in taking chances.

And those stupid little three quarter-length trouser things.

GrrrrAAARRGhhh...

And one faux-gold earring, 354 sovereign rings on it's paws and that stupid wet-crop hair thing.

I want to kill each and ever single one of them

You forgot to mention the Burberry baseball caps at a 90-degree angle. That's the icing on the cake.

Goatboy wrote:
> Too many roundabouts/pikeys/illiterate dogfaced teens in burberrry
> baseball caps.

We were talking about this earlier today. It's the law that at every roundabout in Harlow, you'll be parked next to a burberry cap-wearing Saxo driver listening to Scooter.

Fat gypsy women that shoplift from Poundland before stuffing little Keanu's face with more Big Macs and then hollering "Chanteeeellllll" down the shopping concourse thing, and 35 fat little insect kids all turn and stare, slack-jawed.

*shivers*

Too many roundabouts/pikeys/illiterate dogfaced teens in burberrry baseball caps.
Christ I'm angry...I ####ing hate that place so bad.

Bishop's Stortford looks like a Utopia (I think that’s the word, basically I mean paradise) compared to Harlow.

Harlow has so many annoying townies and stupid women that wear so much fake gold bought from Lidl its unbelievable. So damn scroty.

Biggest dump ever. Now lets never mention the wasteland that is Harlow again.

"If God gave the planet an enema, it would surely be Crewe"


Hmm... I read that somewhere. Brilliant, though.

Ah yes, the Water Gardens - I have fond memories of sneaking of to the Water Gardens during school hours, throwing used condoms in the pond, leaving jazz magazines everywhere and sniffing glue. No, wait - that was everybody else.

I agree with Goatboy, if any town in the UK deserves to have a massive anvil dropped on its inhabitants, it's Harlow.

They even tore the College West site down and put what there?
Thaaaat's right, afforable housing for deliquents and blokes in vests with alsations.

Die Harlow die.
I cannot overstate my loathing of that festering canker.