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To liven things up, here's a joke topic.
Write your jokes in here.
1st joke, just to kick you off:
"What do you call Microsoft?"
Write your jokes in here.
1st joke, just to kick you off:
"What do you call Microsoft?"
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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Did you? I get a lot in my email at work - assumed that was one. Must've copied it from your post, but I don't remember!
Sorry, wasn't trying to claim the glory for it! :-)
Sorry, wasn't trying to claim the glory for it! :-)
Meka_Dragon wrote:
> :-)
I posted that one before .
Still makes me laugh!
Yikes, not that one, the one before it!
> :-)
I posted that one before .
Still makes me laugh!
Yikes, not that one, the one before it!
:-)
I posted that one before .
Still maks me laugh!
I posted that one before .
Still maks me laugh!
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all round the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and, to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The barman screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guys says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little terror. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink pays his bill, pays for the stuff his monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The barman is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the barman. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures it first."
The barman screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guys says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little terror. Sorry, I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink pays his bill, pays for the stuff his monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. The barman is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the barman. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures it first."
Bloke gets in from work, sits on the sofa and says to the wife "Hey, the wife, bring me a beer, before it starts!"
So the wife brings him in a beer.
15 minutes later the bloke shouts "Hey, the wife, bring me a beer, before it starts!!"
So the wife brings him a beer.
20 minutes later the bloke shouts "Hey, the wife, bring me a beer, before it starts!!!"
So the wife comes in, slams a beer down on the table "THERE YOU GO! SO YOU'RE GOING TO SIT THERE IN FRONT OF THE TV AGAIN ALL EVENING THEN! YOU'RE A LAZY, DRUNKED SLOB! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID ANYTHING NICE FOR ME?"
And the bloke says "It's started."
So the wife brings him in a beer.
15 minutes later the bloke shouts "Hey, the wife, bring me a beer, before it starts!!"
So the wife brings him a beer.
20 minutes later the bloke shouts "Hey, the wife, bring me a beer, before it starts!!!"
So the wife comes in, slams a beer down on the table "THERE YOU GO! SO YOU'RE GOING TO SIT THERE IN FRONT OF THE TV AGAIN ALL EVENING THEN! YOU'RE A LAZY, DRUNKED SLOB! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID ANYTHING NICE FOR ME?"
And the bloke says "It's started."
I want to add to the worst joke collection with one of my own. *AHEM*
What animal do you look like in the bath?
A little bear.
What animal do you look like in the bath?
A little bear.
A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him
and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that
he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was
nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a
client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you?
You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client
suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining
room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man
explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he
felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he
definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up
"looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels
great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels
great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell
me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a v****a."
and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that
he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was
nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a
client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you?
You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client
suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining
room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man
explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he
felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he
definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up
"looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels
great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels
great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell
me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a v****a."
That was OK ish.
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