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To liven things up, here's a joke topic.
Write your jokes in here.
1st joke, just to kick you off:
"What do you call Microsoft?"
Write your jokes in here.
1st joke, just to kick you off:
"What do you call Microsoft?"
Page:
(sexist jokes for humour only, no offence meant)
Why do women get married in white?
So they match the appliances
...actually, I know cleaner and nicer jokes, but I do like that one.
No more sexist jokes.
Sorry all
Why do women get married in white?
So they match the appliances
...actually, I know cleaner and nicer jokes, but I do like that one.
No more sexist jokes.
Sorry all
"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife. "Let's swap positions tonight."
"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."
"What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name; Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, Rogaine is Minoxodil, and so on.......
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
Ancient but funny:
Spiderman and Batman are sitting in a cafe, waiting for Superman to turn up.
After an hour, Superman does indeed show, looking worries and red faced, refusing to acknowledge his scores of fans.
"What's up Supey?" asks Batman
"Nothing, don't ask"
"No, tell us, we're mates" Spiderman offers.
Superman sighs and begins his story.
"Ok, well, there I was on patrol this morning. Y'know, usual stuff, saving kids, turning back time all that business. Well, I'm doing that and I spy Wonderwoman on the roof of her building."
Batman chuckles "Now there is a Superfit Superhero"
"Yeah" says Superman "So I go down to say hello, and I notice she's naked as a newborn."
Spiderman drops his sandwich, "Blimey, I'd pay to see that!"
Superman grimaces "Yeah, wouldn't we all. So anyway, as I get nearer, I see that she's naked, and...well..writhing about and moaning a lot."
Batman breathes deep, "Bad dreams?"
"Looked pretty good to me" says Superman. "So, I figure being the Man of Steel and all, I could get down there, have my way and be gone before she knew what hit her. So, I dropped my kecks, zoomed on down and in for a bit of how's your Jor-El...just straight on in there."
"Christ" laughs Spiderman, "I bet she got a shock"
"Yeah" says Superman, "But not half as much as the Invisible Man did"
Spiderman and Batman are sitting in a cafe, waiting for Superman to turn up.
After an hour, Superman does indeed show, looking worries and red faced, refusing to acknowledge his scores of fans.
"What's up Supey?" asks Batman
"Nothing, don't ask"
"No, tell us, we're mates" Spiderman offers.
Superman sighs and begins his story.
"Ok, well, there I was on patrol this morning. Y'know, usual stuff, saving kids, turning back time all that business. Well, I'm doing that and I spy Wonderwoman on the roof of her building."
Batman chuckles "Now there is a Superfit Superhero"
"Yeah" says Superman "So I go down to say hello, and I notice she's naked as a newborn."
Spiderman drops his sandwich, "Blimey, I'd pay to see that!"
Superman grimaces "Yeah, wouldn't we all. So anyway, as I get nearer, I see that she's naked, and...well..writhing about and moaning a lot."
Batman breathes deep, "Bad dreams?"
"Looked pretty good to me" says Superman. "So, I figure being the Man of Steel and all, I could get down there, have my way and be gone before she knew what hit her. So, I dropped my kecks, zoomed on down and in for a bit of how's your Jor-El...just straight on in there."
"Christ" laughs Spiderman, "I bet she got a shock"
"Yeah" says Superman, "But not half as much as the Invisible Man did"
Three turtles, Andrew, Craig, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. Andrew packs the picnic basket with chocolate chippies, bottled drinks and sandwiches.
The picnic site is 10 miles away, so it takes the turtles 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Andrew takes the stuff out of the basket. He takes out the drinks and says, 'Alright, Craig, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Craig says. 'I thought you packed it.' Of course, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without a drink.
Andrew & Craig beg Raymond to go home to get it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll have eaten everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slowly and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Andrew and Craig are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is still a promise. After three more days pass without any sign of Raymond, Craig starts....
'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hysterical note in his voice.
'NO!' Andrew replies. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Andrew decides that Raymond probably called in at the cafe down the road and deserted them, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid and get out a sandwich.
They're just about to take a bite when Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not bloody going.'
The picnic site is 10 miles away, so it takes the turtles 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Andrew takes the stuff out of the basket. He takes out the drinks and says, 'Alright, Craig, gimme the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Craig says. 'I thought you packed it.' Of course, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without a drink.
Andrew & Craig beg Raymond to go home to get it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll have eaten everything by the time he gets back. After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slowly and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Andrew and Craig are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is still a promise. After three more days pass without any sign of Raymond, Craig starts....
'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hysterical note in his voice.
'NO!' Andrew replies. 'We promised.'
Five more days pass. Andrew decides that Raymond probably called in at the cafe down the road and deserted them, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid and get out a sandwich.
They're just about to take a bite when Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not bloody going.'
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Who is general failure and why is he reading my disk?
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
I was walking down the street the other day, when I saw a man that looked rather strange coming towards me.
I suddenly realised what was wrong with him. He had an orange, for a head.
Amazed by this I approached him and said "Excuse me, but why do you have an orange for a head?"
He looked at me a bit funny (though any look from a man with an orange for a head is funny) and replied "I was laying on the beach one fine sunny afternoon, when I happened to fall asleep. I only woke when I felt the sea wash over my feet. I shot up, waking very quickly indeed. As the tide was coming in again I gathered my things together, and prepared to leave. It was then that I noticed something floating in the water. It was a lamp, so i picked it up, and rubbed some of the wet sand off of it.Suddenly a genie appeared! He said I could have three wishes! Well as you could imagine, I was chuffed. I didn't take me too long to come up with my first wish, £100million poundsin a high interest account, immediatley accessible. My second wish was soon realised too. I'd woken up with wood, so wished for Swedish womens beach volleyball team to come pleasure me."
The man with an orange for a head paused here, obviously reminiscing about his time with the Swedish womens beach volleyball team, but I was dying to know what he wished for next, and why he had an orange for a head, so I asked "So what was your third wish?"
And the man with an orange for a head said "I wished I had an orange for a head."
I suddenly realised what was wrong with him. He had an orange, for a head.
Amazed by this I approached him and said "Excuse me, but why do you have an orange for a head?"
He looked at me a bit funny (though any look from a man with an orange for a head is funny) and replied "I was laying on the beach one fine sunny afternoon, when I happened to fall asleep. I only woke when I felt the sea wash over my feet. I shot up, waking very quickly indeed. As the tide was coming in again I gathered my things together, and prepared to leave. It was then that I noticed something floating in the water. It was a lamp, so i picked it up, and rubbed some of the wet sand off of it.Suddenly a genie appeared! He said I could have three wishes! Well as you could imagine, I was chuffed. I didn't take me too long to come up with my first wish, £100million poundsin a high interest account, immediatley accessible. My second wish was soon realised too. I'd woken up with wood, so wished for Swedish womens beach volleyball team to come pleasure me."
The man with an orange for a head paused here, obviously reminiscing about his time with the Swedish womens beach volleyball team, but I was dying to know what he wished for next, and why he had an orange for a head, so I asked "So what was your third wish?"
And the man with an orange for a head said "I wished I had an orange for a head."
Guy goes to the doctor in pain.
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor
"It's ah...embarassing" says the man and points to his butt.
"I see, well, let me look"
The man bends over and drops his trousers.
"My god" says the doctor "You have money stuck up there...how extraordinary!"
"Please, get it out" begs the man
The doctor does so carefully, laying the notes and coins on the table.
"Well?" asks the man.
"Odd. You seem to have had £1999.99 stuck up there"
The man sighs, "I thought I wasn't feeling two grand"
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor
"It's ah...embarassing" says the man and points to his butt.
"I see, well, let me look"
The man bends over and drops his trousers.
"My god" says the doctor "You have money stuck up there...how extraordinary!"
"Please, get it out" begs the man
The doctor does so carefully, laying the notes and coins on the table.
"Well?" asks the man.
"Odd. You seem to have had £1999.99 stuck up there"
The man sighs, "I thought I wasn't feeling two grand"
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