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To liven things up, here's a joke topic.
Write your jokes in here.
1st joke, just to kick you off:
"What do you call Microsoft?"
Write your jokes in here.
1st joke, just to kick you off:
"What do you call Microsoft?"
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Well, it's an interchangeable joke... ;-p
Unmodified joke though - I received it with Man U fan in, and I see no valid reason to change it...
Unmodified joke though - I received it with Man U fan in, and I see no valid reason to change it...
Wookiee, i was worried for a second that you were going to say a Liverpool fan!
:-)
:-)
One more from me...
One foggy day in October, a man is killing some time by walking through an area of the City of London that he has never noticed before. Down a dimly lit alleyway he notices a curious little shop selling antiques. After a moments reflection he walks into the shop, and starts examining the many weird and wonderful items. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.
"Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and 100 pounds for the story that goes with it."
"I'll take the cat," says the man, "but you can keep the story."
The transaction completed, the man leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two streets, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people are beginning to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the river at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full pelt.
No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands, but millions. He looks up and sees that he is running towards the edge of the River Thames, and the trail of cats is now several hundred yards long behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the river. Clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they drown.
Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.
"No," says the man, "I was wondering if you have a statue of a Manchester United fan?"
One foggy day in October, a man is killing some time by walking through an area of the City of London that he has never noticed before. Down a dimly lit alleyway he notices a curious little shop selling antiques. After a moments reflection he walks into the shop, and starts examining the many weird and wonderful items. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.
"Twelve pounds for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and 100 pounds for the story that goes with it."
"I'll take the cat," says the man, "but you can keep the story."
The transaction completed, the man leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked two streets, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people are beginning to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements, and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the river at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full pelt.
No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands, but millions. He looks up and sees that he is running towards the edge of the River Thames, and the trail of cats is now several hundred yards long behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the river. Clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they drown.
Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.
"No," says the man, "I was wondering if you have a statue of a Manchester United fan?"
I always wondered why we used 3 wishes, when just the last one would have been fine!?
Here's a worse one:
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because noddy wouldn't pay the ransom....
I'll get me coat...
Here's a worse one:
Why do elephants have big ears?
Because noddy wouldn't pay the ransom....
I'll get me coat...
Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
-----
A bit risque this one... I apologise in advance...
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied: "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
-----
A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walks down into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!"
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up."Have you found Jesus?" he asked.
"Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!" says the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!" the drunk slurs again.
Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus YET?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
-----
A bit risque this one... I apologise in advance...
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hungover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied: "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."
-----
A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walks down into the water and stand next to the preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!"
The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up."Have you found Jesus?" he asked.
"Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!" says the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!" the drunk slurs again.
Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found Jesus YET?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Not that great really. The bear was stupid - seeing as he is a bear and should have wished all the bears excluding himself were female, otherwise he would be a female, and it would be ok for him, now a her, to be gay.
The rabbit didn't need a motorcycle, and the bear should've wished for some mozarella cheese.
The rabbit didn't need a motorcycle, and the bear should've wished for some mozarella cheese.
Theres a bear chasing a rabbit through the woods, when suddenly an enchanted fox jumps out in front of them. "Hi, I'm the enchanted fox, and I hereby grant you three wishes each" He says.
The bears says "Me first, I wish all the bears in this forest were female." PING! It's done.
The rabbit says "I wish I had a helmet" PING! It's done.
The bear looks a little confused, then says "Secondly, I wish all the bears in the country were female." PING! It's done.
The rabbit smiles and says "I wish I had a motorcycle." PING! It's done.
The bear looks at the rabbit, sitting upon his motorcycle, thinking how daft he looks "Thirdly, I wish all the bears in the world were female." PING! It's done.
The rabbit starts the engine, points at the bear and says "I wish that he was gay." PING! It's done, and the rabbit laughs as he rides to safety.
The bears says "Me first, I wish all the bears in this forest were female." PING! It's done.
The rabbit says "I wish I had a helmet" PING! It's done.
The bear looks a little confused, then says "Secondly, I wish all the bears in the country were female." PING! It's done.
The rabbit smiles and says "I wish I had a motorcycle." PING! It's done.
The bear looks at the rabbit, sitting upon his motorcycle, thinking how daft he looks "Thirdly, I wish all the bears in the world were female." PING! It's done.
The rabbit starts the engine, points at the bear and says "I wish that he was gay." PING! It's done, and the rabbit laughs as he rides to safety.
Little Red Riding Hood is off to see her Granny.
"Be careful" says her mum, "That mean old Wolf just wants to play with what's in your bra"
Hood shrugs and goes anyway.
In the woods, she comes across the woodcutter, who says "Be careful Hood, that wolf wants to play with what's in your bra"
Hood shrugs and heads towards her granny's cottage.
She goes in and finds the Wolf in bed, dressed like her Granny.
He leaps out and tears the disguise off "Hello there Little Red Riding Hood, I'm going to play with what's in your bra!"
Hood brings out a Magnum.44 from under her cloak, c***s it and points it at the wolf "Uh-uh, you're gonna eat me, just like the book says"
"Be careful" says her mum, "That mean old Wolf just wants to play with what's in your bra"
Hood shrugs and goes anyway.
In the woods, she comes across the woodcutter, who says "Be careful Hood, that wolf wants to play with what's in your bra"
Hood shrugs and heads towards her granny's cottage.
She goes in and finds the Wolf in bed, dressed like her Granny.
He leaps out and tears the disguise off "Hello there Little Red Riding Hood, I'm going to play with what's in your bra!"
Hood brings out a Magnum.44 from under her cloak, c***s it and points it at the wolf "Uh-uh, you're gonna eat me, just like the book says"
Dan2K1 wrote:
> Why do we hate toilets?
I don't know, why do we hate toilets? (Mind you, I don't hate toilets, I find them rather useful.)
> Why do we hate toilets?
I don't know, why do we hate toilets? (Mind you, I don't hate toilets, I find them rather useful.)
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