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"Mummy, don't make me dance with Becks"

Unconfirmed reports are coming from Madrid that Real Madrid have sent to Brazil for Robinho's mummy. It appears Robinho has been a very bad boy and is refusing to play with the other boys.

An inside source, codenamed Ivan Helguera, has been quoted as saying "I tried to dance with Robinho but he said I wasn't Brazilian enough. Then he sucked his thumb". Real Madrid have thus far refused to comment on the thumb-sucking, but did say that Robinho had been sent to his room for an 'undisclosed' reason.

The problem, apparently, is that the Brazilians have formed a clique within Real and insist on dancing with each other. Roberto Carlos and Ronaldo are surely old enough to know better, but you can't blame Baptista, who is made from wood. Robinho, it has been decided (by me), is at fault the most. His previous history of spitting his dummy out is counting against him, added to the fact he's the smallest so he's easy to kick.

Another source at Real said Robinho is "overrated, crap and spends his time poncing about doing flicks and nothing real". This quote may or may not be real.

Anyway, the imminent arrival of Robinho's mummy might mean an end to this situation, but Robinho has been heard saying he refuses to dance with Beckham because he smells funny. In the opinion of this reporter, he needs a good slap around his ridiculously small head.

Guti is said to be 'heartbroken'. Floppy haired peasant.

-Actual Sky Sports Article [URL]http://home.skysports.com/list.asp?hlid=313452&clid=&channel=spain&title=Revista+-+Clickety+clique[/URL]

That's crazy, Cafu has, like, a million stamina points doesn't he? And he's old, it's a spectacle.

All I alter for Argentina (and by the way, I've only started using them since I found out you always use Brazil, I thought we should be on a roughly level playing field when we finally clash) is D'Allesandro on the left. He's way out wide, but labelled an offensive midfielder, and he's slow as hell. So I swap him for Claudio Lopez and budge him up to LWF. Then I alter the attacking arrows of the wingers to go straight forwards, not inwards and outwards. Apart from that it's pretty much the same. Oh, and Veron instead of Aimar. Sometimes I'm cheeky and bring in Riquelme if I've got a penalty to take, he's the only one with a star for it.

If I could, I'd use a custom 4-3-3, with two wing-forwards, one offensive midfielder, one defensive midfielder, and one central midfielder. Then a basic back four with the full-backs pushed as far up field as they can go. The problem is, they don't have a good left back. Javier Zanetti is decent with his left foot, but I want him on the right. And I think Rodriguez is good with his left foot, but his crossing stats aren't actually that good. And then there's the right wing problem, no one who can play there quite matches up to the rest of the team. So I'll probably just stick with the age old 3-1-2-1-2-1 formation.

Ortega likes to think he's from Patagonia.

I'll be Brazil again in Pro Evo 5 (got it preordered yet? October 21st from all good retailers. Not here though, hoho), although I just know they'll torment me by making Robinho really good.

I'll find some way round it. I play a weird 3-5-1-1 with Brazil. I play Gilberto as a centre-back and Carlos on left midfield. Cafu gets dropped and I start Diego. Heheheh.

Left back, left wing-back, or left midfield, I think. He does seem to be everywhere, especially popping up in and around the box during an attack. I think he generally plays as a wing-back for the Argies, with Heinze as the leftmost of three centrebacks (if they're both playing). Ortega's the one to ask, really, there's no way he won't know. I think he's in Dubai though.

Also, don't expect me to use Sorin in Pro Evo, he's terrible compared to Kily Gonzalez, who for some reason is the left wing-back in the default formation. And there's no Claudio Lopez in Pro Evo 5, so it'll be a sad day when I have to transfer.

As I'm sure you're well aware, I hold very little stock by the Argentinian team.

But while we're on Argentina, there's something I've been wondering, and it is thus.

Where does Sorin play? He seemed to be everywhere against Man Utd.

I've hardly seen any of him, but he's looked really good. There was a Barca match last year where he came on as a sub, and Ronaldinho did a lovely chip over the defence to him, and he scored an excellent goal, but it was ruled offside. Wrongly, if I remember correctly. They didn't mind though, they got the ball back and did it again, almost exactly the same but more onside. You'd think the defence might be wary.

Anyway, Barca have been grooming him since he was 13 or something, and he's already getting into the full national team of Argentina, so I reckon he'll be great. I nearly picked him for my Champions' League fantasy team, as he's a midfielder on that for some reason.

Is he actually any good, though, or is it another one of those 'Next Maradona' cases that starts with an awesome Youth World Cup and ends up being loaned to Monaco and kids laughing at you in the streets?

He can prepare for the European matches, can't he? I hope Messi's as good on PES5 as he is in reality, so I can thrash you a bit with Argentina, but I know he'll be rubbish again...

I didn't memorize it though. I have a man to do that for me. It's not like Messi's got anything better to with his time.

But you must have heard it, to know when they're using it. Honestly.

I said 'they' say it. I don't say it. Jesus.