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"For Azul: How Juve will lose"

Azul added me on MSN to mock me about Juventus. It was nice of him to take the time out his busy Turin schedule to do this, but I have dredged my former Plan Of How To Win out from some random topic, probably started by me, and am going to elaborate on it. Especially for him. I even ran it through an Italian translation site so he could understand it if he wanted to do the same.

I didn't really.

Here is the plan.

Dr Baros (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Del Piero):

Can't really see Nedved getting intimidated. By anyone. At all. Our only hope is that he gets injured like he has a tendency to do before big matches. I say we slip a dirty dirty Roma player like Cassano a sly £1000 or so to stamp on his head or the like.

The only plus I can think of is that Del Piero isn't performing that well and Trezeguet is over-rated. Sadly, Ibrahimovic isn't.

They may play Kapo, who seems to be a waster in the Nunez vein. You can but hope. And Cisse knows him, according to Football Manager.

Also, this could be our plan. Brainwash Baros into thinking he's playing for the Czech Republic instead of Liverpool. This is so he will play well and not try to stamp on Thurams face or something like that and get sent off. This is backed up by shaving Morientes' head and pretending that he's Jan Koller and we signed him in the window on the sly. We need Cisse, obviously, because DangerMellor has caught rabies or something like that. So we lop off that really fast guy from Inter's leg (Obafemi Martins, or something like that) and splice it onto Cisse. He may be a little bit slower than Cisse (according to PES4), so Cisse will run around in circles. To use him as an effective weapon, we give Finnan a really long stick and he uses it to prod Cisse at people like Cammerersonsdiiansi. He's got silly hair anyway. Odds on God wants him to die.

At the match, Baros believes Nedved's performance is for the Republic and Koller is standing there, so he's inspired to Euro 2004 it up, Holland-style.. Then we send on Igor to rampage at will, perhaps breaking a rib here and there. Cannavaro for example. We also grow Dudek's hair, shave his face, grease him up a bit, and swop him for Buffon. Also without telling anyone.

Finally, we shoot Nunez, just to be sure he won't play.

Then we will win.

You'll have to lend me that particular book, I think.

Oldest trick in the book.

I know, but it's always nice to paint someone else's hero as an incestual paedophile once in a while.

If Baros had a daughter, she'd be about 2 years old, maximum. Think, man, it was obviously his managers fictional daughter.

In bed with Bentiez's daughter, or his own?

I coined that phrase. I want it trademarked. With all sorts of ink.

I reckon, just before the Carling Cup Final, Benitez caught Baros in bed with his daughter.

Answers on a postcard to the usual address. Oh, and answer this tiebreaker in less than three words:

"Benitez doesn't like Baros because he's just not _______ ______"

I get it!

What do I do now?

It's a pity Dudek isn't one of those players who prefers his first name on the back of his shirt. Irony and all that clever stuff.

Kewell can't do that. He's too busy trying to subdue Poland in the form of Miner Dudek.