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I live in a very fearful middle class white family, on the edge of the middle of nowhere, in Wales. The chances of seeing any non-whites in my day to day goings is more than slim.
I've always taught myself to keep any open mind, and admitting that I can be wrong and misguided to be a heavy part of that. No matter if I settle on something solidly, I can still change my mind. Maybe I'm fickle, maybe I have a wide range, whatever, what matters is I will face whatever I wish to.
I'm terrified of change, completely and utterly. All the passion I have for wanting to travel, to meet people, to engage in this ridiculous little ride we call life is squashed almost completely by stupid, stupid fear. I'm happy to notice that my fear does fade, eventually, but it takes a long time, and I hate the fact it's been driven so hard into me.
But what can I blame? Should I even blame anything but myself for my own fear? Maybe.. after all, I'm fighting it, and perhaps with that mindset then I can look deeper into why it's even there to begin with.
My family are very simple, racist without realising people. I don't wish to belittle them at all, but they have encouraged a fear in myself of my neighbours, of travelling, and of the world around me. My mother is terrified of even leaving a range of about 30 miles of home, my father who can easily make sweeping comments on people and the world around us. It conflicts all I try to believe, and pushes me down so hard.
I'm thinking of going to University again, I'm finding myself more and more interested in psychology, and I think it'd make a nice scientific balance to the creative side of me, which I think I put under too much pressure. My parents wish me to stay inside Wales, fear of me travelling too far away. I feel like just another desperate child surrounded by more over-bearing-over-protectiveness that I can easily deal with... and as much as I don't want to completely be rid of my parents, I cannot deal with their illogical fear, it drives me mad. It has forever driven me further away from my own family, their fear stopping me from ever telling them the truth about myself, the illness I have been through. I feel like a child again, writing this, but these are simple fears, ones I don't often face.
How can I live so passionately in a world where my every movement is pinned down by fear, fear of myself and the fear projected by others? Why cannot trust exist in where I wish to tread, even if it really is just out of curiosity?
It's a very shallow topic, I know, but it's one that truly bothers me. I just hate the fact that I struggle so hard to fight all the things I've been brought up to believe, to fight the instinct to stay at home, safe little hermits in safe little caves, while all the time being surrounded by fearful clingy people who do it only because they worry about me.
But surely this is the very foundation of freedom, of an open, fearless mind? We are to fear nothing but fear itself, with our greatest enemy we could ever face being ourselves. But in so much confusion, especially trying to juggle a few different personalities in my mind, life is becoming far too difficult in trying to quash the worry, the fear.
Stupid battles of the mind that never cease! Damn it all.
I've always taught myself to keep any open mind, and admitting that I can be wrong and misguided to be a heavy part of that. No matter if I settle on something solidly, I can still change my mind. Maybe I'm fickle, maybe I have a wide range, whatever, what matters is I will face whatever I wish to.
I'm terrified of change, completely and utterly. All the passion I have for wanting to travel, to meet people, to engage in this ridiculous little ride we call life is squashed almost completely by stupid, stupid fear. I'm happy to notice that my fear does fade, eventually, but it takes a long time, and I hate the fact it's been driven so hard into me.
But what can I blame? Should I even blame anything but myself for my own fear? Maybe.. after all, I'm fighting it, and perhaps with that mindset then I can look deeper into why it's even there to begin with.
My family are very simple, racist without realising people. I don't wish to belittle them at all, but they have encouraged a fear in myself of my neighbours, of travelling, and of the world around me. My mother is terrified of even leaving a range of about 30 miles of home, my father who can easily make sweeping comments on people and the world around us. It conflicts all I try to believe, and pushes me down so hard.
I'm thinking of going to University again, I'm finding myself more and more interested in psychology, and I think it'd make a nice scientific balance to the creative side of me, which I think I put under too much pressure. My parents wish me to stay inside Wales, fear of me travelling too far away. I feel like just another desperate child surrounded by more over-bearing-over-protectiveness that I can easily deal with... and as much as I don't want to completely be rid of my parents, I cannot deal with their illogical fear, it drives me mad. It has forever driven me further away from my own family, their fear stopping me from ever telling them the truth about myself, the illness I have been through. I feel like a child again, writing this, but these are simple fears, ones I don't often face.
How can I live so passionately in a world where my every movement is pinned down by fear, fear of myself and the fear projected by others? Why cannot trust exist in where I wish to tread, even if it really is just out of curiosity?
It's a very shallow topic, I know, but it's one that truly bothers me. I just hate the fact that I struggle so hard to fight all the things I've been brought up to believe, to fight the instinct to stay at home, safe little hermits in safe little caves, while all the time being surrounded by fearful clingy people who do it only because they worry about me.
But surely this is the very foundation of freedom, of an open, fearless mind? We are to fear nothing but fear itself, with our greatest enemy we could ever face being ourselves. But in so much confusion, especially trying to juggle a few different personalities in my mind, life is becoming far too difficult in trying to quash the worry, the fear.
Stupid battles of the mind that never cease! Damn it all.
Page:
Hmm.. sounds quite a tough situation if you can call it that.
Do you think your current position is making your beliefs more stronger? And if you could imagine, what do you think your state of beliefs would be like without these experiences? I'm just interested I guess.
Do you think your current position is making your beliefs more stronger? And if you could imagine, what do you think your state of beliefs would be like without these experiences? I'm just interested I guess.
Oh and I also forgot to mention why I like coming on SR such a lot, which actually ties in. I've barely had a civilized conversation at my school, I can't. But with the members of SR - I don't care whether Light is shouting arguements at me or something else unpleasant is going on, for me it's just nice to have a talk with people I speak the same language as.
Heh, no problem.. just so you know (so you don't feel a bit cast aside or anything) I read all that, was interesting.
Grix Thraves wrote:
> Do you think your attitude has been affected by your surroundings?
Hmmm... it's interesting because back when I was a boy and I use to go to the local Primary School it was almost all white, I went to a white church, had mainly white friends and was used to it. Now I go to an almost all Asian school (that's Hindu/Muslim) secondary school, I personally find it really hard to fit in and to be honest... I don't. I mean sometimes with the accent and words they use it feels like I don't even speak the same language as them. There's a massive culture barrier that I've had to break down. It's really hard too, so unfortunately unlike at my primary school when I was one of the most popular people at the school and couldn't be happier, I struggle to get along with anyone.
So I really have had to adapt. That means forgetting what I would like as a friend, which is probably relatively quiet people who like to just hang out at each others houses and play video games or go some place. Most of these Asians (sorry to generalize here folks) assemble themselves amongst each other and the few white people there are, are left to themselves. I recently moved form in school, because I said I felt the form was rather racist towards white people (that's putting it kindly). For two years I was the only white male in the form, then someone else moved in because he got kicked out the other form and so we got on quite well. Now I've left that form and gone to another one with about 2 white males in and I'm still not really settled. Peter (the name of this other one) is trying to leave the form now, as are my other friends from that form Wayne (Malaysian) and Jon (Carribean). As you can see it's not easy especially when I have to group myself in any activity as to be honest we're like chalk and cheese.
To be honest, it has in a way helped me to understand Asian people and what their religions/beliefs better which can only be useful - which I'm thankful for, but it's still strange when I hang out with my white friends back home. For one thing they can't even understand my accent now, because it sped up so dramatically when I went to my new school because everyone speaks so fast - like you hear if you ring up an Indian callcentre! Little things like that are strange, but I've resided myself not to imitating what these other Asians like. A lot of them smoke pot and drugs, which doesn't bother me too much, but when they start trying to make me smoke it or going on about calling me 'racist' every five minutes, that hurts. One big stumbling block when I try to make friends with Asians is the music and film they like. Personally, I can't stand rap music nor Bollywood films. Someone asked me if I liked this Indian music once, I said no - and the next day everyone accused me of being a racist. It's rather uncomfortable...
The funny thing is that back when I used to go to primary school, everyone's was really accepting despite most of us being white. I can remember having black friends and even some Indian friends - it was a lot easier back then. Now my main friends are Black, Oriental, Jewish or White. That's not me being a racist - far from it. I remember going to school the day after 9/11, that was only my seventh day of secondary school and I just couldn't believe what I saw. Muslims and even Hindus were actually celebrating the Twin Towers attacks, some of them were even dancing amongst themselves, making jokes and laughing. My reception into the form room that morning consisted of this; 'Jump out the window, there's a terrorist attack'. This was supposed to be funny. A lot of them support terrorism, most of them love Oslama Bin Laden and they keep calling us whites: RACIST. You can't walk down one corrider in my school, without hearing someone shout 'racist'. Every assembly is about racism and every assembly focuses on racism against Asians - despite almost the whole school being Asian! This my friends is political correctness. And I can't stand it. The goverment are actually afraid to say anything that might offend people from ethnic backgrounds, let alone the whites who make up the minority at my school. Whenever there is an Asian festival, there are a couple of assemblies full of dancing and music to show what a welcoming school it is. I have a Jewish friend, Daniel; he's said that he's never heard one mention of Channukah or Passover even once. Not even a 'Happy Channukah' everyone.
So eventually I said, I'm not putting up with this, got myself out the school spoke to the head of year and said I have a Jewish friend who wants to hear something on Channukah and I've never heard a Christian assembly once, but I've never heard anything other than about Muslim, Sikh or Hindu holidays. I got moved out, but I await any Christian or Jewish messages. It's such a new feeling for me to be in such a different environment. I remember my first day at the school, I looked around the classroom at the different Asian faces - I'd never seen so many before, I couldn't believe it. That didn't upset me to be honest, but when I realised how much I would grow to dislike them, that did. I've never wanted to generalize, but unfortunately I have to. The other school I could have gone to (it's not as bright) contains a lot of my old friends and I pass it every day on the bus into Ilford. I talk to strangers from that school, more than I do to people I know from my school.
I'll just fill you in on my other church situation and wrap up this little piece then. I use to go to a middle class/somewhat upper class church right by my home. We left that, so now I go to a quite upper class one in Loughton - vastly rich area. I personally don't like the snooty upper class, but thankfully the pastor is from the West Indies and is very easy to get on with - not upper class. I know I'll have to get on with these upper class people soon and to be fair I haven't met anyone I've disliked. Finally in conclusion, yes I've had to change my attitude on people. Unfortunately my experiences haven't helped those feelings either. It's helped me realise how other people live there lives, but some of the coldness from other people is really astounding coming from such a warm and friendly childhood. Don't believe everything the BBC will tell you, whether it's the racist white pigs they try to tell you everyone is from using the BNP as an example or the innocence of Asians everywhere. I can tell you I have seen more than a few Asians being racist. I didn't form these conclusions out of choice, they've been formed out of experience.
As a further note - thanks Grix Thraves for letting me get a few of these thing off my chest.
> Do you think your attitude has been affected by your surroundings?
Hmmm... it's interesting because back when I was a boy and I use to go to the local Primary School it was almost all white, I went to a white church, had mainly white friends and was used to it. Now I go to an almost all Asian school (that's Hindu/Muslim) secondary school, I personally find it really hard to fit in and to be honest... I don't. I mean sometimes with the accent and words they use it feels like I don't even speak the same language as them. There's a massive culture barrier that I've had to break down. It's really hard too, so unfortunately unlike at my primary school when I was one of the most popular people at the school and couldn't be happier, I struggle to get along with anyone.
So I really have had to adapt. That means forgetting what I would like as a friend, which is probably relatively quiet people who like to just hang out at each others houses and play video games or go some place. Most of these Asians (sorry to generalize here folks) assemble themselves amongst each other and the few white people there are, are left to themselves. I recently moved form in school, because I said I felt the form was rather racist towards white people (that's putting it kindly). For two years I was the only white male in the form, then someone else moved in because he got kicked out the other form and so we got on quite well. Now I've left that form and gone to another one with about 2 white males in and I'm still not really settled. Peter (the name of this other one) is trying to leave the form now, as are my other friends from that form Wayne (Malaysian) and Jon (Carribean). As you can see it's not easy especially when I have to group myself in any activity as to be honest we're like chalk and cheese.
To be honest, it has in a way helped me to understand Asian people and what their religions/beliefs better which can only be useful - which I'm thankful for, but it's still strange when I hang out with my white friends back home. For one thing they can't even understand my accent now, because it sped up so dramatically when I went to my new school because everyone speaks so fast - like you hear if you ring up an Indian callcentre! Little things like that are strange, but I've resided myself not to imitating what these other Asians like. A lot of them smoke pot and drugs, which doesn't bother me too much, but when they start trying to make me smoke it or going on about calling me 'racist' every five minutes, that hurts. One big stumbling block when I try to make friends with Asians is the music and film they like. Personally, I can't stand rap music nor Bollywood films. Someone asked me if I liked this Indian music once, I said no - and the next day everyone accused me of being a racist. It's rather uncomfortable...
The funny thing is that back when I used to go to primary school, everyone's was really accepting despite most of us being white. I can remember having black friends and even some Indian friends - it was a lot easier back then. Now my main friends are Black, Oriental, Jewish or White. That's not me being a racist - far from it. I remember going to school the day after 9/11, that was only my seventh day of secondary school and I just couldn't believe what I saw. Muslims and even Hindus were actually celebrating the Twin Towers attacks, some of them were even dancing amongst themselves, making jokes and laughing. My reception into the form room that morning consisted of this; 'Jump out the window, there's a terrorist attack'. This was supposed to be funny. A lot of them support terrorism, most of them love Oslama Bin Laden and they keep calling us whites: RACIST. You can't walk down one corrider in my school, without hearing someone shout 'racist'. Every assembly is about racism and every assembly focuses on racism against Asians - despite almost the whole school being Asian! This my friends is political correctness. And I can't stand it. The goverment are actually afraid to say anything that might offend people from ethnic backgrounds, let alone the whites who make up the minority at my school. Whenever there is an Asian festival, there are a couple of assemblies full of dancing and music to show what a welcoming school it is. I have a Jewish friend, Daniel; he's said that he's never heard one mention of Channukah or Passover even once. Not even a 'Happy Channukah' everyone.
So eventually I said, I'm not putting up with this, got myself out the school spoke to the head of year and said I have a Jewish friend who wants to hear something on Channukah and I've never heard a Christian assembly once, but I've never heard anything other than about Muslim, Sikh or Hindu holidays. I got moved out, but I await any Christian or Jewish messages. It's such a new feeling for me to be in such a different environment. I remember my first day at the school, I looked around the classroom at the different Asian faces - I'd never seen so many before, I couldn't believe it. That didn't upset me to be honest, but when I realised how much I would grow to dislike them, that did. I've never wanted to generalize, but unfortunately I have to. The other school I could have gone to (it's not as bright) contains a lot of my old friends and I pass it every day on the bus into Ilford. I talk to strangers from that school, more than I do to people I know from my school.
I'll just fill you in on my other church situation and wrap up this little piece then. I use to go to a middle class/somewhat upper class church right by my home. We left that, so now I go to a quite upper class one in Loughton - vastly rich area. I personally don't like the snooty upper class, but thankfully the pastor is from the West Indies and is very easy to get on with - not upper class. I know I'll have to get on with these upper class people soon and to be fair I haven't met anyone I've disliked. Finally in conclusion, yes I've had to change my attitude on people. Unfortunately my experiences haven't helped those feelings either. It's helped me realise how other people live there lives, but some of the coldness from other people is really astounding coming from such a warm and friendly childhood. Don't believe everything the BBC will tell you, whether it's the racist white pigs they try to tell you everyone is from using the BNP as an example or the innocence of Asians everywhere. I can tell you I have seen more than a few Asians being racist. I didn't form these conclusions out of choice, they've been formed out of experience.
As a further note - thanks Grix Thraves for letting me get a few of these thing off my chest.
In hindsight to this, venting this out has done my mind some good for the moment.
As much as I struggle, I can never, ever be trapped by fear. Unhealthy fear, such that will do nothing but destroy our minds, fear of things we cannot change or things that cannot truly harm us.
To never fear of the past, only be wise of it, of what it could project in the future. To also never fear the future, for we are nothing but temporary, but to still also be wise of what time we can use, while we actually have it.
Maybe also to learn that suffering and the pain we feel comes from too much pressure on what we love. In complete balance of emotion, perhaps to look more at the other end of the scale, when we feel so depressed. To look to love, and find what we're missing.
Perhaps it seems a little black and white, but there's certainly some logic in it... just a few thoughts anyway because I'm bored and really have nothing better to do today than think.
As much as I struggle, I can never, ever be trapped by fear. Unhealthy fear, such that will do nothing but destroy our minds, fear of things we cannot change or things that cannot truly harm us.
To never fear of the past, only be wise of it, of what it could project in the future. To also never fear the future, for we are nothing but temporary, but to still also be wise of what time we can use, while we actually have it.
Maybe also to learn that suffering and the pain we feel comes from too much pressure on what we love. In complete balance of emotion, perhaps to look more at the other end of the scale, when we feel so depressed. To look to love, and find what we're missing.
Perhaps it seems a little black and white, but there's certainly some logic in it... just a few thoughts anyway because I'm bored and really have nothing better to do today than think.
I dislike change too, and am in a way in between your two situations. I'm from a middle class white family, and see more white than black people when I'm around, but there are more and more black people moving into the area. I have no problem with this in the slightest, though I suppose it would probably be rather daunting if I was the only person from a specific racial background in a particular area.
I'll read this later mr Brain.. you can count on that.
That's rather surprising, admittedly... the point I was trying to make there however was surrounding my family's kinda natural racism and xenophobic attitude to anyone -but- middle class white people, because well, that's all there really is around here.
Do you think your attitude has been affected by your surroundings?
Do you think your attitude has been affected by your surroundings?
Grix Thraves wrote:
> I live in a very fearful middle class white family, on the edge of the
> middle of nowhere, in Wales. The chances of seeing any non-whites in
> my day to day goings is more than slim.
Contrast:
I live in a very isolated middle class white family, in the heart of urban London. The chances of seeing any Whites outsides my family in my day to day goings is more than slim.
> I live in a very fearful middle class white family, on the edge of the
> middle of nowhere, in Wales. The chances of seeing any non-whites in
> my day to day goings is more than slim.
Contrast:
I live in a very isolated middle class white family, in the heart of urban London. The chances of seeing any Whites outsides my family in my day to day goings is more than slim.
I live in a very fearful middle class white family, on the edge of the middle of nowhere, in Wales. The chances of seeing any non-whites in my day to day goings is more than slim.
I've always taught myself to keep any open mind, and admitting that I can be wrong and misguided to be a heavy part of that. No matter if I settle on something solidly, I can still change my mind. Maybe I'm fickle, maybe I have a wide range, whatever, what matters is I will face whatever I wish to.
I'm terrified of change, completely and utterly. All the passion I have for wanting to travel, to meet people, to engage in this ridiculous little ride we call life is squashed almost completely by stupid, stupid fear. I'm happy to notice that my fear does fade, eventually, but it takes a long time, and I hate the fact it's been driven so hard into me.
But what can I blame? Should I even blame anything but myself for my own fear? Maybe.. after all, I'm fighting it, and perhaps with that mindset then I can look deeper into why it's even there to begin with.
My family are very simple, racist without realising people. I don't wish to belittle them at all, but they have encouraged a fear in myself of my neighbours, of travelling, and of the world around me. My mother is terrified of even leaving a range of about 30 miles of home, my father who can easily make sweeping comments on people and the world around us. It conflicts all I try to believe, and pushes me down so hard.
I'm thinking of going to University again, I'm finding myself more and more interested in psychology, and I think it'd make a nice scientific balance to the creative side of me, which I think I put under too much pressure. My parents wish me to stay inside Wales, fear of me travelling too far away. I feel like just another desperate child surrounded by more over-bearing-over-protectiveness that I can easily deal with... and as much as I don't want to completely be rid of my parents, I cannot deal with their illogical fear, it drives me mad. It has forever driven me further away from my own family, their fear stopping me from ever telling them the truth about myself, the illness I have been through. I feel like a child again, writing this, but these are simple fears, ones I don't often face.
How can I live so passionately in a world where my every movement is pinned down by fear, fear of myself and the fear projected by others? Why cannot trust exist in where I wish to tread, even if it really is just out of curiosity?
It's a very shallow topic, I know, but it's one that truly bothers me. I just hate the fact that I struggle so hard to fight all the things I've been brought up to believe, to fight the instinct to stay at home, safe little hermits in safe little caves, while all the time being surrounded by fearful clingy people who do it only because they worry about me.
But surely this is the very foundation of freedom, of an open, fearless mind? We are to fear nothing but fear itself, with our greatest enemy we could ever face being ourselves. But in so much confusion, especially trying to juggle a few different personalities in my mind, life is becoming far too difficult in trying to quash the worry, the fear.
Stupid battles of the mind that never cease! Damn it all.
I've always taught myself to keep any open mind, and admitting that I can be wrong and misguided to be a heavy part of that. No matter if I settle on something solidly, I can still change my mind. Maybe I'm fickle, maybe I have a wide range, whatever, what matters is I will face whatever I wish to.
I'm terrified of change, completely and utterly. All the passion I have for wanting to travel, to meet people, to engage in this ridiculous little ride we call life is squashed almost completely by stupid, stupid fear. I'm happy to notice that my fear does fade, eventually, but it takes a long time, and I hate the fact it's been driven so hard into me.
But what can I blame? Should I even blame anything but myself for my own fear? Maybe.. after all, I'm fighting it, and perhaps with that mindset then I can look deeper into why it's even there to begin with.
My family are very simple, racist without realising people. I don't wish to belittle them at all, but they have encouraged a fear in myself of my neighbours, of travelling, and of the world around me. My mother is terrified of even leaving a range of about 30 miles of home, my father who can easily make sweeping comments on people and the world around us. It conflicts all I try to believe, and pushes me down so hard.
I'm thinking of going to University again, I'm finding myself more and more interested in psychology, and I think it'd make a nice scientific balance to the creative side of me, which I think I put under too much pressure. My parents wish me to stay inside Wales, fear of me travelling too far away. I feel like just another desperate child surrounded by more over-bearing-over-protectiveness that I can easily deal with... and as much as I don't want to completely be rid of my parents, I cannot deal with their illogical fear, it drives me mad. It has forever driven me further away from my own family, their fear stopping me from ever telling them the truth about myself, the illness I have been through. I feel like a child again, writing this, but these are simple fears, ones I don't often face.
How can I live so passionately in a world where my every movement is pinned down by fear, fear of myself and the fear projected by others? Why cannot trust exist in where I wish to tread, even if it really is just out of curiosity?
It's a very shallow topic, I know, but it's one that truly bothers me. I just hate the fact that I struggle so hard to fight all the things I've been brought up to believe, to fight the instinct to stay at home, safe little hermits in safe little caves, while all the time being surrounded by fearful clingy people who do it only because they worry about me.
But surely this is the very foundation of freedom, of an open, fearless mind? We are to fear nothing but fear itself, with our greatest enemy we could ever face being ourselves. But in so much confusion, especially trying to juggle a few different personalities in my mind, life is becoming far too difficult in trying to quash the worry, the fear.
Stupid battles of the mind that never cease! Damn it all.
Page: