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I live in a very fearful middle class white family, on the edge of the middle of nowhere, in Wales. The chances of seeing any non-whites in my day to day goings is more than slim.
I've always taught myself to keep any open mind, and admitting that I can be wrong and misguided to be a heavy part of that. No matter if I settle on something solidly, I can still change my mind. Maybe I'm fickle, maybe I have a wide range, whatever, what matters is I will face whatever I wish to.
I'm terrified of change, completely and utterly. All the passion I have for wanting to travel, to meet people, to engage in this ridiculous little ride we call life is squashed almost completely by stupid, stupid fear. I'm happy to notice that my fear does fade, eventually, but it takes a long time, and I hate the fact it's been driven so hard into me.
But what can I blame? Should I even blame anything but myself for my own fear? Maybe.. after all, I'm fighting it, and perhaps with that mindset then I can look deeper into why it's even there to begin with.
My family are very simple, racist without realising people. I don't wish to belittle them at all, but they have encouraged a fear in myself of my neighbours, of travelling, and of the world around me. My mother is terrified of even leaving a range of about 30 miles of home, my father who can easily make sweeping comments on people and the world around us. It conflicts all I try to believe, and pushes me down so hard.
I'm thinking of going to University again, I'm finding myself more and more interested in psychology, and I think it'd make a nice scientific balance to the creative side of me, which I think I put under too much pressure. My parents wish me to stay inside Wales, fear of me travelling too far away. I feel like just another desperate child surrounded by more over-bearing-over-protectiveness that I can easily deal with... and as much as I don't want to completely be rid of my parents, I cannot deal with their illogical fear, it drives me mad. It has forever driven me further away from my own family, their fear stopping me from ever telling them the truth about myself, the illness I have been through. I feel like a child again, writing this, but these are simple fears, ones I don't often face.
How can I live so passionately in a world where my every movement is pinned down by fear, fear of myself and the fear projected by others? Why cannot trust exist in where I wish to tread, even if it really is just out of curiosity?
It's a very shallow topic, I know, but it's one that truly bothers me. I just hate the fact that I struggle so hard to fight all the things I've been brought up to believe, to fight the instinct to stay at home, safe little hermits in safe little caves, while all the time being surrounded by fearful clingy people who do it only because they worry about me.
But surely this is the very foundation of freedom, of an open, fearless mind? We are to fear nothing but fear itself, with our greatest enemy we could ever face being ourselves. But in so much confusion, especially trying to juggle a few different personalities in my mind, life is becoming far too difficult in trying to quash the worry, the fear.
Stupid battles of the mind that never cease! Damn it all.
I've always taught myself to keep any open mind, and admitting that I can be wrong and misguided to be a heavy part of that. No matter if I settle on something solidly, I can still change my mind. Maybe I'm fickle, maybe I have a wide range, whatever, what matters is I will face whatever I wish to.
I'm terrified of change, completely and utterly. All the passion I have for wanting to travel, to meet people, to engage in this ridiculous little ride we call life is squashed almost completely by stupid, stupid fear. I'm happy to notice that my fear does fade, eventually, but it takes a long time, and I hate the fact it's been driven so hard into me.
But what can I blame? Should I even blame anything but myself for my own fear? Maybe.. after all, I'm fighting it, and perhaps with that mindset then I can look deeper into why it's even there to begin with.
My family are very simple, racist without realising people. I don't wish to belittle them at all, but they have encouraged a fear in myself of my neighbours, of travelling, and of the world around me. My mother is terrified of even leaving a range of about 30 miles of home, my father who can easily make sweeping comments on people and the world around us. It conflicts all I try to believe, and pushes me down so hard.
I'm thinking of going to University again, I'm finding myself more and more interested in psychology, and I think it'd make a nice scientific balance to the creative side of me, which I think I put under too much pressure. My parents wish me to stay inside Wales, fear of me travelling too far away. I feel like just another desperate child surrounded by more over-bearing-over-protectiveness that I can easily deal with... and as much as I don't want to completely be rid of my parents, I cannot deal with their illogical fear, it drives me mad. It has forever driven me further away from my own family, their fear stopping me from ever telling them the truth about myself, the illness I have been through. I feel like a child again, writing this, but these are simple fears, ones I don't often face.
How can I live so passionately in a world where my every movement is pinned down by fear, fear of myself and the fear projected by others? Why cannot trust exist in where I wish to tread, even if it really is just out of curiosity?
It's a very shallow topic, I know, but it's one that truly bothers me. I just hate the fact that I struggle so hard to fight all the things I've been brought up to believe, to fight the instinct to stay at home, safe little hermits in safe little caves, while all the time being surrounded by fearful clingy people who do it only because they worry about me.
But surely this is the very foundation of freedom, of an open, fearless mind? We are to fear nothing but fear itself, with our greatest enemy we could ever face being ourselves. But in so much confusion, especially trying to juggle a few different personalities in my mind, life is becoming far too difficult in trying to quash the worry, the fear.
Stupid battles of the mind that never cease! Damn it all.
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I'm always a little surprised that people can say "Well, asians have been really racist to me" or "I've heard black people being really racist" as if it's some sort of shock revelation. ANYONE can be racist, because the colour of someone's skin is no barrier to them being as ignorant, blinkered, xenophobic, and hateful as any shaven headed, knuckle dragging white boy.
Not being racist means accepting that other cultures have bad things about them too. Otherwise it's just mincing, hands-wringing-apologetically, middle class Political Correctness. And that's just as ignorant as racism.
Not being racist means accepting that other cultures have bad things about them too. Otherwise it's just mincing, hands-wringing-apologetically, middle class Political Correctness. And that's just as ignorant as racism.
I find that I've got inner prejudices.
Lots of times I just see a person and for no reason at all I sort of feel uncomfortable...
Well, there are reasons, just not proper ones.
Anysway, what I've found is that the more people I meet, the more I get used to different types of people.
Before I worked at MacDonalds, Asians sort of seemed alien, with the accent, colour and the like.
But you get used to it, and then you start taking people for what they are again.
You sort of break these barriers by running into them, or if you're not so confident (like me) then leaning on them until they collapse will do. ;-)
Sort of thinking of what FF said.
The only racism I've come across is purely tongue in cheek (but I'm with adult work people, not stupid school kids) and is more Indians/Pakistani's than Asians/Whiteboys and the like. :-)
Anysway, I'm betting that at worst only half the Asians in your class are racist (and the loudest lot too no doubt! :-D) just like you get the loud muppets in any race or class or whatever.
The best thing you can do it just not to care what they think.
I mean they're clearly not fully mentally develloped yet and I bet if you meet most of them in 2-3 years time then you might think 'em decent people.
There were loads of people in my school I thought were monkeys, and then as we got older they probably wised up a bit, I probably got a bit more understanding, but by A Level I practically got on with everyone.
Lastly I noticed you had a bit about your personal identity.
How you didn't like how their culture was rubbing off on you.
And how you weren't mixing with the sort of people you traditionally like.
It's sort of damaging to think this way... I think. :-)
Personally, I'd relax. Let your character build on it.
Sort of practice immersing yourself in "alien territory" and you'll understand people like never before.
You might seem different to people, but people change. C'est la vie.
Reading this back to me, it probably doesn't make as much sense as I'd like it to, but I'm sure you'll get the drift I'm thinking along...
perhaps. :-)
Lots of times I just see a person and for no reason at all I sort of feel uncomfortable...
Well, there are reasons, just not proper ones.
Anysway, what I've found is that the more people I meet, the more I get used to different types of people.
Before I worked at MacDonalds, Asians sort of seemed alien, with the accent, colour and the like.
But you get used to it, and then you start taking people for what they are again.
You sort of break these barriers by running into them, or if you're not so confident (like me) then leaning on them until they collapse will do. ;-)
Sort of thinking of what FF said.
The only racism I've come across is purely tongue in cheek (but I'm with adult work people, not stupid school kids) and is more Indians/Pakistani's than Asians/Whiteboys and the like. :-)
Anysway, I'm betting that at worst only half the Asians in your class are racist (and the loudest lot too no doubt! :-D) just like you get the loud muppets in any race or class or whatever.
The best thing you can do it just not to care what they think.
I mean they're clearly not fully mentally develloped yet and I bet if you meet most of them in 2-3 years time then you might think 'em decent people.
There were loads of people in my school I thought were monkeys, and then as we got older they probably wised up a bit, I probably got a bit more understanding, but by A Level I practically got on with everyone.
Lastly I noticed you had a bit about your personal identity.
How you didn't like how their culture was rubbing off on you.
And how you weren't mixing with the sort of people you traditionally like.
It's sort of damaging to think this way... I think. :-)
Personally, I'd relax. Let your character build on it.
Sort of practice immersing yourself in "alien territory" and you'll understand people like never before.
You might seem different to people, but people change. C'est la vie.
Reading this back to me, it probably doesn't make as much sense as I'd like it to, but I'm sure you'll get the drift I'm thinking along...
perhaps. :-)
Yeah, FF is a pretty decent guy when he's not talking about God/Jesus.
Forest Fan wrote:
> Lotsa stuff, ending with...
> As a further note - thanks Grix Thraves for letting me get a few of
> these thing off my chest.
Hmmm....
~Opinion of Forest moves up a little~
> Lotsa stuff, ending with...
> As a further note - thanks Grix Thraves for letting me get a few of
> these thing off my chest.
Hmmm....
~Opinion of Forest moves up a little~
Oh, I fear that too... at some point somewhere... I think there's a possibility my whole system is based on the lesser of evils.
I fear no-change: the cycles of relentless routine - trapped in the genetic/psychological programming of body and mind, unable to escape the "I" that can never truly change...
nudge nudge, wink wink
Come to Glasgow and you can be my friend.
We'll be in same Faculty and everything.
We'll be in same Faculty and everything.
And Grix Thraves, hope all goes well for you. It seems you probably want to spread your wings now and go some place new, which sounds ideal. I understand how you don't feel you've come from the most exhilirating of backgrounds, but I'm sure there's plenty of time for you to go and enjoy life, especially if you can go back to university. Hope you make the right choice. :)
Yup, this topic was worth it just for that. :D
Back to me, I've realised I put so much pressure on my future... I am not a special little snowflake blah blah.. and that everything can come and pass... so I think I'll go study psychology in Uni, that'll be interesting, and hell, could even get laid.
Getting away is exactly what I need. Must be done.
Back to me, I've realised I put so much pressure on my future... I am not a special little snowflake blah blah.. and that everything can come and pass... so I think I'll go study psychology in Uni, that'll be interesting, and hell, could even get laid.
Getting away is exactly what I need. Must be done.
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