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"Little teenagish rant about freedom"

I live in a very fearful middle class white family, on the edge of the middle of nowhere, in Wales. The chances of seeing any non-whites in my day to day goings is more than slim.

I've always taught myself to keep any open mind, and admitting that I can be wrong and misguided to be a heavy part of that. No matter if I settle on something solidly, I can still change my mind. Maybe I'm fickle, maybe I have a wide range, whatever, what matters is I will face whatever I wish to.

I'm terrified of change, completely and utterly. All the passion I have for wanting to travel, to meet people, to engage in this ridiculous little ride we call life is squashed almost completely by stupid, stupid fear. I'm happy to notice that my fear does fade, eventually, but it takes a long time, and I hate the fact it's been driven so hard into me.

But what can I blame? Should I even blame anything but myself for my own fear? Maybe.. after all, I'm fighting it, and perhaps with that mindset then I can look deeper into why it's even there to begin with.

My family are very simple, racist without realising people. I don't wish to belittle them at all, but they have encouraged a fear in myself of my neighbours, of travelling, and of the world around me. My mother is terrified of even leaving a range of about 30 miles of home, my father who can easily make sweeping comments on people and the world around us. It conflicts all I try to believe, and pushes me down so hard.

I'm thinking of going to University again, I'm finding myself more and more interested in psychology, and I think it'd make a nice scientific balance to the creative side of me, which I think I put under too much pressure. My parents wish me to stay inside Wales, fear of me travelling too far away. I feel like just another desperate child surrounded by more over-bearing-over-protectiveness that I can easily deal with... and as much as I don't want to completely be rid of my parents, I cannot deal with their illogical fear, it drives me mad. It has forever driven me further away from my own family, their fear stopping me from ever telling them the truth about myself, the illness I have been through. I feel like a child again, writing this, but these are simple fears, ones I don't often face.

How can I live so passionately in a world where my every movement is pinned down by fear, fear of myself and the fear projected by others? Why cannot trust exist in where I wish to tread, even if it really is just out of curiosity?

It's a very shallow topic, I know, but it's one that truly bothers me. I just hate the fact that I struggle so hard to fight all the things I've been brought up to believe, to fight the instinct to stay at home, safe little hermits in safe little caves, while all the time being surrounded by fearful clingy people who do it only because they worry about me.

But surely this is the very foundation of freedom, of an open, fearless mind? We are to fear nothing but fear itself, with our greatest enemy we could ever face being ourselves. But in so much confusion, especially trying to juggle a few different personalities in my mind, life is becoming far too difficult in trying to quash the worry, the fear.

Stupid battles of the mind that never cease! Damn it all.

I'll keep this short, but Grix, it sounds like you'd benefit from getting out of there, and giving yourself the space and opportunity to find yourself a little more.
I think uni would be good for that.

You don't have to turn away from your family too much, and of course you'll still be in touch regularly, back for holidays and stuff. But it's alright to take a different direction to the one they've chosen, I'm sure they'll understand and support you in that.



And wow, I feel like I've seen a completely different side to FF today :^)

I have a mullet. I want to die.

I was hoping the "Durex Dawg" look would take off, personally.

;^D

Grix Thraves wrote:
> I'm more concerned about my hair cut that just went terribly wrong
> anyway..

Heh, good talking point it is too. [EDIT] The ranting part that is, not the haircut. :P

Not at all, it was a discussion point, feel free to write what you like.

I'm more concerned about my hair cut that just went terribly wrong anyway..

Thanks... I just realised that I think I I stole your thread Grix, if so sorry and we can get back to the subject of this discussion.

I honestly don't believe I could put up with it, especially for how long you've been going through it all. I guess that's because I have never been encountered by such things, it seems my school live is almost perfect, but I just don't appreciate it as much as I probably should. So in this kind of situation I wouldn't have a clue what to do, so as Ashman said, hang in there.

Ashman wrote:
> I also read it all, and sympathise with the tough situation you're in.
> I can now see why you are always looking to talk about religions,
> there must be more than a few references at your school.

Yeah, there are. Occasionally the Hindus and Muslims fight amongst themselves based on religion, but this is quite minimal. The main racism aspects are from the Asians against everyone really. There's a lot of Anti-Semitism in the form of grafitti and feelings, there's a lot of anti-white and Anti-Brittishness and a suprising amount of racism towards Blacks. The interesting thing is, is that the school is located in what use to be a very Jewish area (it's actually next door to a synagogue), but what now has become the heartland of Hindus and Muslims in London; which is North East London. It's quite close to North Fincley - the place where Al Hamza was in charge of that mosque, and a few terrorists have been arrested near to my town.

> Hang in there.

Thanks Ash. Like I say, I just appreciate getting it all off my chest and sharing different experiences.

Silent Thunder wrote:
> Do you think your current position is making your beliefs more
> stronger?

It's doing quite a lot for them. On the one hand my beliefs are more focused now. Sometimes I find a quiet spot in the school (which isn't easy as they're 1,500 pupils) and just be with myself and contemplate how everything's going and it feels like there aren't that many people on my side. I mean, I have to try really hard to make any sort of impact in the school as my own individual.

> And if you could imagine, what do you think your state of
> beliefs would be like without these experiences?

Perhaps more comprimised if I did go to the school with all my friends and the people are naturally closer to in terms of how I am. It's just speculation, but I suppose that they wouldn't have been so tested.

> I'm just interested
> I guess.

I actually appreciate the chance to talk to people like you about situations and like to hear how other people on the other side of the spectrum live.

I also read it all, and sympathise with the tough situation you're in. I can now see why you are always looking to talk about religions, there must be more than a few references at your school.

I can't imagine how an instant change from one school surrounding to another would feel, but it can't be easy. Hang in there.