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I know I messed up on the forums when I started making enemies right left and center and I'd like to apologise now for that. I know it doesn't change the things I typed but an apology is all I can give. I'm sorry. I would especially like to say sorry to Mystique. Everything I said to you were just cheap shots about your looks without any consideration for the actual person I am bad mouthing. NO ONE deserves that and I'm truly sorry although I understand if you don't want to forgive me. I am going to try and change though and be a better person because right now. I'm alone. I'm so alone and as much as I hate to admit it I need you people because I have noone in real life to talk to about anything. I like to think of myself as a good person, a strong person but right now as I type this I am realising all this stuff about myself and I'm scared. I'm scared where I'm going to end up if this is the person I turn out to be years down the road.
I'm all worked up about my lack of friends. I know I messed up and lost my main circle of friends a while back but I've just been dealing with it the best way I can and I only now realise it's the wrong way. I've become a completely anti-social idiot with no friends to just hang out with. And what do I do with this free time? I don't revise for my exams which I'm now sure I'm going to fail. I sit at home. Alone and talk to people I've never even met who hate me just as much as those I have. I don't know how to make new friends though. I always either go quiet because I'm trying to be so perfect and only want to talk about topics I KNOW are going to be hits or I end up spouting off tons of crap that just comes across as a desperate failing attempt at me being funny. I just can't pull it off either way and don't know how to change.
Finally my parents think I'm a dissapointment and I'm going to fail all my exams and not get into uni but I'm not getting into that because I'll end up rambling like the sad b*****d that I am. Not that I haven't been rambling all along. I've messed up so bad and I can't pull it back. I have tried making more friends. I go to a cinema group on Saturdays to produce short films but the people I've bonded with are all older than me and at uni so while they're all off with their friends I'm just this kid they see on Saturday. They just have completely different lifestyles. If I'm lucky I get to talk to them on msn every once and a while but that's it. Remember when I said I went to clubs with them? Well it wasn't them...I was covering for the real people I went with. All of whome were 21 not 18 like them. All friends of my buddy who I love but doesn't love me back. In fact I'm sure i'm just being tagged along. God that's so crap. Plus I have been talking to someone off MSN and they think I'm just in love with the fact that someone likes me and not actually in love with this person. I think she may be right and that's so sad it's untrue.
God I don't know why I'm rambling on like this when I'm sure none of you care. I guess since I have no real friends to talk to about this stuff it just helps to have some kind of outlet. Hopefully with some people I can befriend again.
Anyone at all??
All you can ever do in something like this is Your Best. Put in all the hard-work, the long hours of revision and all that, and maybe you'll just find out what that is.
Nobody else can simply "tell" you what it is. Only you can show them all. Teachers may have their bits of paper saying "you could get an A* but you're heading towards a D at this rate...", but what do they really know? YOU are the one in control!
Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Nobody should be expecting your to work miracles. You're not Jesus and you are no Thierry Henry.
Everyone struggles through life, especialy through their teenage years, when things look to be at their worst. You're not alone in this - far from it, infact. I wouldn't believe any to have been through the typical Education system who says they've felt nothing like this!
Forest Gump wrote:
> There's always someone else who could be in your life.
And you can sod off with your predatory, preying on the weak, abusive religious mania as well.
> There's always someone else who could be in your life.
Satan?