Viewing Thread:
"Innocence of a child."

I wasn’t always so dark and mysterious. My mind wasn’t always so full of hatred and anger. I used to be such a nice little boy. I used to wear nice colours and smart clothes and I used to like pop songs because they were songs I liked, not because they were grouped into any kind of classification.

I used to have beliefs of a wondrous existence that followed old age. Of a being not of this world that protected and loved all that were good. I used to sing, dance and be happy. Then I met me.

It was from a young age I matured. I started becoming the man I am today. I started to get isolated, like the innocent kitten with the sad eyes wanting out whilst the other kittens fought and played without a care in the world. My opinions were no longer allowed. My mind was no longer mine if I wanted the easy life.

I had to be a fighter.
I had to be arrogant.
I had to be ignorant of who I was.
I had to know words I didn’t want to learn just to fit in.
I had to be someone else.
I chose to be different.

I chose to stay innocent for as long as I could. I didn’t like the way the others were. Picking on each other; insulting each other. Telling each other how they were better than each other.

I started learning at a young age. I listened in school, obeyed the rules, though not to be a ‘goodie goodie’, but because I respected the rules. They were there for reasons I could understand. I didn’t enjoy getting hurt, and always tried to avoid it. But avoiding hurt wasn’t something I could always do. I couldn’t avoid being me.

Out of the playground and into the zoo, I continued to be that innocent child. I was in a new land. The people were different, the places unfamiliar and it took a long time for me to get my bearings.

I was damned for being me. I was damned for being the kid who didn’t know what certain dirty words meant before they even began to have any relevance to my life. I was damned for being the kid who tried to enjoy himself, who tried to please everybody but couldn’t. I was damned for being nice. Damned for trying to survive in a place where monsters were attacking me from all angles. I was damned for living my life the way I chose.

I wasn’t hurting anyone. All I wanted was to keep a low profile so that I could endure the pain for as long as I could. But I couldn’t even have that. I wasn’t physically gruesome. I wasn’t even slightly odd to look at. I just treated the world with cautious curiosity and condemned myself to a life of anger where things that shouldn’t matter do.

I’m still that same person now. Trapped in this existence with no beliefs, no faith, nothing. Technology is my only comfort. Technology doesn’t ask me to be a certain way, to understand words which sicken me, and more importantly, it doesn’t expect anything of me. If I have an opinion, technology doesn’t forsake me. I like that.

I didn’t want sex. I didn’t want to be a man. I wanted to be Peter Pan. I wanted to be young and live forever. I still want that. I would give anything to be young and naïve again, just like before, but for an eternity.

But it doesn’t work like that. Instead I have to struggle through this world of monsters. I have to be the dark and mysterious person I am now to avoid getting noticed.

I used to enjoy getting noticed. I used to enjoy showing off to my family and putting smiles on their faces. I used to enjoy being innocent and believing that I would soon grow up to be a pop star, to make lots of money and to have lots of toys.

It wouldn’t have been so bad, growing up that is. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for the monsters. The fiends that sucked the life from me for their own self gain. Did they really get anything from it? Maybe they proved to themselves that they could do the one thing I could never do. To intentionally hurt someone on the inside. To make them feel small and weak just because they didn’t fight back.

I am still that naïve little boy I once was. I am just bigger and man shaped. I am still too cautious, there are many common experiences I don’t understand. There are many things people say and do that hurt me every day. Just the look they give. Yeah, that’s the one. The one that says, “What is that all about?” Maybe it is regret from their part. Maybe they regret being who they are and recognise something in me that they wish for themselves.

I am still a child. Hurt, ruined by monsters. I cry on this inside when I smile on the out. In between I am on a seesaw. I’m balanced by self belief and self criticism. Do I believe what the monsters, supposedly more intelligent, have to tell me? Or do I just look at the good in myself? I don’t know, and that gets to me. I don’t know why life could treat me so cruel.

I am the dark. I am the hidden. I am not what I show on the outside.
I am still a child.

Are you guys trying to tell me you don't know what a queef is?

Ha, ha!

*punch

The amazing thing is, those who did make fun of others over dirty words would probably feel embarassed if it was brought up in conversation six or seven years later

I agree with what you have written Edgy, so many childhood truths in there, such as being made fun of if you don't know what "dirty words" mean.

The monster's used to upset me.
Then i learnt to ignore them.
And now i'm starting to turn on them.
Whereas i used to avoid trouble, now i feel i'm starting to look for it.

I believe it has enveloped me.

But i'm not sure what is the shadow anymore,it seems to have become me, i still feel all the love i alway's have but now there is a more predominant dark side to me and it has taken over.
I honestly don't know where it has come from.
Darkness has become me.

I disagree. I don't see it as a phase, but as a shadow, pretecting yet harming - though not in the physical sense.

I read that and i can't find one line that doesnt apply to me.
I think you grow up thinking that when you get older the monster's dissappear, life will be better and it doesnt work out like that because the monster's grow up with you.
Nothing changes but we get stronger and we learn to cope.
As for the darkness that seems to take over, i honestly believe it's a phase, when you find something worth living for it will dissappear.

"Then I met me."
Loved it.

Too true, too damn true.

I wasn’t always so dark and mysterious. My mind wasn’t always so full of hatred and anger. I used to be such a nice little boy. I used to wear nice colours and smart clothes and I used to like pop songs because they were songs I liked, not because they were grouped into any kind of classification.

I used to have beliefs of a wondrous existence that followed old age. Of a being not of this world that protected and loved all that were good. I used to sing, dance and be happy. Then I met me.

It was from a young age I matured. I started becoming the man I am today. I started to get isolated, like the innocent kitten with the sad eyes wanting out whilst the other kittens fought and played without a care in the world. My opinions were no longer allowed. My mind was no longer mine if I wanted the easy life.

I had to be a fighter.
I had to be arrogant.
I had to be ignorant of who I was.
I had to know words I didn’t want to learn just to fit in.
I had to be someone else.
I chose to be different.

I chose to stay innocent for as long as I could. I didn’t like the way the others were. Picking on each other; insulting each other. Telling each other how they were better than each other.

I started learning at a young age. I listened in school, obeyed the rules, though not to be a ‘goodie goodie’, but because I respected the rules. They were there for reasons I could understand. I didn’t enjoy getting hurt, and always tried to avoid it. But avoiding hurt wasn’t something I could always do. I couldn’t avoid being me.

Out of the playground and into the zoo, I continued to be that innocent child. I was in a new land. The people were different, the places unfamiliar and it took a long time for me to get my bearings.

I was damned for being me. I was damned for being the kid who didn’t know what certain dirty words meant before they even began to have any relevance to my life. I was damned for being the kid who tried to enjoy himself, who tried to please everybody but couldn’t. I was damned for being nice. Damned for trying to survive in a place where monsters were attacking me from all angles. I was damned for living my life the way I chose.

I wasn’t hurting anyone. All I wanted was to keep a low profile so that I could endure the pain for as long as I could. But I couldn’t even have that. I wasn’t physically gruesome. I wasn’t even slightly odd to look at. I just treated the world with cautious curiosity and condemned myself to a life of anger where things that shouldn’t matter do.

I’m still that same person now. Trapped in this existence with no beliefs, no faith, nothing. Technology is my only comfort. Technology doesn’t ask me to be a certain way, to understand words which sicken me, and more importantly, it doesn’t expect anything of me. If I have an opinion, technology doesn’t forsake me. I like that.

I didn’t want sex. I didn’t want to be a man. I wanted to be Peter Pan. I wanted to be young and live forever. I still want that. I would give anything to be young and naïve again, just like before, but for an eternity.

But it doesn’t work like that. Instead I have to struggle through this world of monsters. I have to be the dark and mysterious person I am now to avoid getting noticed.

I used to enjoy getting noticed. I used to enjoy showing off to my family and putting smiles on their faces. I used to enjoy being innocent and believing that I would soon grow up to be a pop star, to make lots of money and to have lots of toys.

It wouldn’t have been so bad, growing up that is. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for the monsters. The fiends that sucked the life from me for their own self gain. Did they really get anything from it? Maybe they proved to themselves that they could do the one thing I could never do. To intentionally hurt someone on the inside. To make them feel small and weak just because they didn’t fight back.

I am still that naïve little boy I once was. I am just bigger and man shaped. I am still too cautious, there are many common experiences I don’t understand. There are many things people say and do that hurt me every day. Just the look they give. Yeah, that’s the one. The one that says, “What is that all about?” Maybe it is regret from their part. Maybe they regret being who they are and recognise something in me that they wish for themselves.

I am still a child. Hurt, ruined by monsters. I cry on this inside when I smile on the out. In between I am on a seesaw. I’m balanced by self belief and self criticism. Do I believe what the monsters, supposedly more intelligent, have to tell me? Or do I just look at the good in myself? I don’t know, and that gets to me. I don’t know why life could treat me so cruel.

I am the dark. I am the hidden. I am not what I show on the outside.
I am still a child.