Viewing Thread:
"Innocence of a child."

I wasn’t always so dark and mysterious. My mind wasn’t always so full of hatred and anger. I used to be such a nice little boy. I used to wear nice colours and smart clothes and I used to like pop songs because they were songs I liked, not because they were grouped into any kind of classification.

I used to have beliefs of a wondrous existence that followed old age. Of a being not of this world that protected and loved all that were good. I used to sing, dance and be happy. Then I met me.

It was from a young age I matured. I started becoming the man I am today. I started to get isolated, like the innocent kitten with the sad eyes wanting out whilst the other kittens fought and played without a care in the world. My opinions were no longer allowed. My mind was no longer mine if I wanted the easy life.

I had to be a fighter.
I had to be arrogant.
I had to be ignorant of who I was.
I had to know words I didn’t want to learn just to fit in.
I had to be someone else.
I chose to be different.

I chose to stay innocent for as long as I could. I didn’t like the way the others were. Picking on each other; insulting each other. Telling each other how they were better than each other.

I started learning at a young age. I listened in school, obeyed the rules, though not to be a ‘goodie goodie’, but because I respected the rules. They were there for reasons I could understand. I didn’t enjoy getting hurt, and always tried to avoid it. But avoiding hurt wasn’t something I could always do. I couldn’t avoid being me.

Out of the playground and into the zoo, I continued to be that innocent child. I was in a new land. The people were different, the places unfamiliar and it took a long time for me to get my bearings.

I was damned for being me. I was damned for being the kid who didn’t know what certain dirty words meant before they even began to have any relevance to my life. I was damned for being the kid who tried to enjoy himself, who tried to please everybody but couldn’t. I was damned for being nice. Damned for trying to survive in a place where monsters were attacking me from all angles. I was damned for living my life the way I chose.

I wasn’t hurting anyone. All I wanted was to keep a low profile so that I could endure the pain for as long as I could. But I couldn’t even have that. I wasn’t physically gruesome. I wasn’t even slightly odd to look at. I just treated the world with cautious curiosity and condemned myself to a life of anger where things that shouldn’t matter do.

I’m still that same person now. Trapped in this existence with no beliefs, no faith, nothing. Technology is my only comfort. Technology doesn’t ask me to be a certain way, to understand words which sicken me, and more importantly, it doesn’t expect anything of me. If I have an opinion, technology doesn’t forsake me. I like that.

I didn’t want sex. I didn’t want to be a man. I wanted to be Peter Pan. I wanted to be young and live forever. I still want that. I would give anything to be young and naïve again, just like before, but for an eternity.

But it doesn’t work like that. Instead I have to struggle through this world of monsters. I have to be the dark and mysterious person I am now to avoid getting noticed.

I used to enjoy getting noticed. I used to enjoy showing off to my family and putting smiles on their faces. I used to enjoy being innocent and believing that I would soon grow up to be a pop star, to make lots of money and to have lots of toys.

It wouldn’t have been so bad, growing up that is. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for the monsters. The fiends that sucked the life from me for their own self gain. Did they really get anything from it? Maybe they proved to themselves that they could do the one thing I could never do. To intentionally hurt someone on the inside. To make them feel small and weak just because they didn’t fight back.

I am still that naïve little boy I once was. I am just bigger and man shaped. I am still too cautious, there are many common experiences I don’t understand. There are many things people say and do that hurt me every day. Just the look they give. Yeah, that’s the one. The one that says, “What is that all about?” Maybe it is regret from their part. Maybe they regret being who they are and recognise something in me that they wish for themselves.

I am still a child. Hurt, ruined by monsters. I cry on this inside when I smile on the out. In between I am on a seesaw. I’m balanced by self belief and self criticism. Do I believe what the monsters, supposedly more intelligent, have to tell me? Or do I just look at the good in myself? I don’t know, and that gets to me. I don’t know why life could treat me so cruel.

I am the dark. I am the hidden. I am not what I show on the outside.
I am still a child.

Buddhism = peace
The more i hear, the more it seems to be the way to go.

Hehe. The Jesus bit was a bit of a joke... not offending other christians, but he's become a bit unpopular in these forums nowdays. :-)

I was serious about the Buddhism though.
It encourages an open mind and doesn't say what you're doing is wrong, just focuses on how you can concentrate and focus yourself into doing right. Sort of... :-)


Read into it atleast.
You'll like it because it shares your "being a good person is about how you are to others" attitude to life. :-)

I would rather keep an open mind myself.

I used to believe in God when I was younger. I still had an open mind then. Obviously I had some bias in my opinions, however, that hasn't changed. My opinions are still bias, just not the same way.

Strafio wrote:
> Take up Buddhist meditation. It sort of clears your head and lets you
> view the world with the innocence, open mindedness and goodwill while
> keeping the experience you've gained to avoid the dangers that might
> spoil this for you.

I'm looking into it
>
> Or you could find Jesus... it worked for Forest Fan! ;-)

Yes it made him happy but it has closed his mind.

It is based greatly on true life.

It describes how I used to feel and how I feel now, with some of the reasons behind it all.

Writing this seemed very theraputic, as if I was telling myself how I feel and it allowed me to think more about my past.

I can't change it, I can only use my experiences to help better my future. I know that, but it doesn't change how I feel and how I felt.

It came from the heart.

That's life though...

Innocence is just not knowing.
Everything is for the first time.
You're hardened to nothing.

When something good happens, it's amazing.
When something bad happens it's devastating.


Now you're experienced, left with memories.
You're feeling awkward because you miss the good ones and feel scarred by the bad ones.



I've been sort of feeling on and off like this.
Yeah, it's not the same as when you could just enjoy a song for what it was or when everything was a new and fresh experience, but things can never stay that way forever.
That's something I've been sort of coming to terms with. Times change and you can miss the good days, or make the best of what you have.


But while you don't understand everything about the world, that child is still there. And when you do something completely new, something you've never seen before, the child emerges and you're innocent once more.


Sort of... :-)

Take up Buddhist meditation. It sort of clears your head and lets you view the world with the innocence, open mindedness and goodwill while keeping the experience you've gained to avoid the dangers that might spoil this for you.

Or you could find Jesus... it worked for Forest Fan! ;-)

Black Glove wrote:
> I like. I'm guessing this is a true story, so to speak.
> In the end, (in the end), it's best to be an outsider.

Nope i can't agree with that, but i think it is better to have 2 really good friends rather than 10 average ones.
Quality over quantity

I like. I'm guessing this is a true story, so to speak.
In the end, (in the end), it's best to be an outsider.

Oh yeah! I can make up words to!

You're a festisio! :)

:)