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"Innocence of a child."

I wasn’t always so dark and mysterious. My mind wasn’t always so full of hatred and anger. I used to be such a nice little boy. I used to wear nice colours and smart clothes and I used to like pop songs because they were songs I liked, not because they were grouped into any kind of classification.

I used to have beliefs of a wondrous existence that followed old age. Of a being not of this world that protected and loved all that were good. I used to sing, dance and be happy. Then I met me.

It was from a young age I matured. I started becoming the man I am today. I started to get isolated, like the innocent kitten with the sad eyes wanting out whilst the other kittens fought and played without a care in the world. My opinions were no longer allowed. My mind was no longer mine if I wanted the easy life.

I had to be a fighter.
I had to be arrogant.
I had to be ignorant of who I was.
I had to know words I didn’t want to learn just to fit in.
I had to be someone else.
I chose to be different.

I chose to stay innocent for as long as I could. I didn’t like the way the others were. Picking on each other; insulting each other. Telling each other how they were better than each other.

I started learning at a young age. I listened in school, obeyed the rules, though not to be a ‘goodie goodie’, but because I respected the rules. They were there for reasons I could understand. I didn’t enjoy getting hurt, and always tried to avoid it. But avoiding hurt wasn’t something I could always do. I couldn’t avoid being me.

Out of the playground and into the zoo, I continued to be that innocent child. I was in a new land. The people were different, the places unfamiliar and it took a long time for me to get my bearings.

I was damned for being me. I was damned for being the kid who didn’t know what certain dirty words meant before they even began to have any relevance to my life. I was damned for being the kid who tried to enjoy himself, who tried to please everybody but couldn’t. I was damned for being nice. Damned for trying to survive in a place where monsters were attacking me from all angles. I was damned for living my life the way I chose.

I wasn’t hurting anyone. All I wanted was to keep a low profile so that I could endure the pain for as long as I could. But I couldn’t even have that. I wasn’t physically gruesome. I wasn’t even slightly odd to look at. I just treated the world with cautious curiosity and condemned myself to a life of anger where things that shouldn’t matter do.

I’m still that same person now. Trapped in this existence with no beliefs, no faith, nothing. Technology is my only comfort. Technology doesn’t ask me to be a certain way, to understand words which sicken me, and more importantly, it doesn’t expect anything of me. If I have an opinion, technology doesn’t forsake me. I like that.

I didn’t want sex. I didn’t want to be a man. I wanted to be Peter Pan. I wanted to be young and live forever. I still want that. I would give anything to be young and naïve again, just like before, but for an eternity.

But it doesn’t work like that. Instead I have to struggle through this world of monsters. I have to be the dark and mysterious person I am now to avoid getting noticed.

I used to enjoy getting noticed. I used to enjoy showing off to my family and putting smiles on their faces. I used to enjoy being innocent and believing that I would soon grow up to be a pop star, to make lots of money and to have lots of toys.

It wouldn’t have been so bad, growing up that is. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it weren’t for the monsters. The fiends that sucked the life from me for their own self gain. Did they really get anything from it? Maybe they proved to themselves that they could do the one thing I could never do. To intentionally hurt someone on the inside. To make them feel small and weak just because they didn’t fight back.

I am still that naïve little boy I once was. I am just bigger and man shaped. I am still too cautious, there are many common experiences I don’t understand. There are many things people say and do that hurt me every day. Just the look they give. Yeah, that’s the one. The one that says, “What is that all about?” Maybe it is regret from their part. Maybe they regret being who they are and recognise something in me that they wish for themselves.

I am still a child. Hurt, ruined by monsters. I cry on this inside when I smile on the out. In between I am on a seesaw. I’m balanced by self belief and self criticism. Do I believe what the monsters, supposedly more intelligent, have to tell me? Or do I just look at the good in myself? I don’t know, and that gets to me. I don’t know why life could treat me so cruel.

I am the dark. I am the hidden. I am not what I show on the outside.
I am still a child.

Haha.
You sad, sad boy.
Go on. Give me the 1000. It'll make me feel all special.

p.s. I wasn't lying, honest.
A honest lie?

Uh.........

You're lying.

999.

Me = Saddo

Good Bye.

MY 1000 IS IN FOG PRIME.

I'll be back sometime in the future, possibly with some stimulating words of wisdom for you.

Spread the word.

Ciao

As in "... you've pulled" rather than "... you suck." mmmkay?

I must try that one FFF.

"Get your coat"...hahaha

IT WASANT THAT BAD!

Strafio wrote:
> Take up Buddhist meditation.

I meditate quite often.
Buddhist or not, I'd recommend it.

Just sit quietly, breath deeply, and let yourself slip.
Nothing compares.

...

...
Nothing compares ...
To you.

sorrah

??

?

:D

I normally read books and think, "What the hell does rant mean?"

Then I go and have a drink of something from the fridge...then I forget about it...then I do something else...and...what was I talking about?

It's a lot about helping people, but not blindly.

But if someone WAS to take advantage, I think the ideal would be just to forget them, leave them out from now on, and move on, rather than get all wound up about it like we might naturally.

Besides, all this giving and only wanting basic needs is the extreme idealist version. I doubt I'll ever become THAT enlightened, but it just sort of helps you clear your head of your negative prejudices, face your problems with a clear view, iron out your irrationalities (I'm going to see if I can stop being afraid of the dark! ;-D) and just generally help you become more in touch with yourself...


sort of...


I think...





I've just read a book and I'm talking like I know it all!



And I've not even finished that book yet! :-D

Buddhism was a subject I always found intriguing in high school RE lessons.

About finding self clarity and not wanting anything except for basic needs.

Though there are those who take advantage of those willing to give and give...