The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
I have this itching insanity.. delusions that all the walls around me are some viscous liquid, that I can tear down with my finger tips. That's not a metaphor, it's real. I feel trapped in my own bedroom, and if it wasn't for the last hold of sanity I've got left I'd be trying to claw my way through the walls right now.
I don't know if I'm mad or I'm ill or what, but I'm uncomfortable. Utterly uncomfortable.. I'm at home nowhere, I can't settle. I can't think, I can't concentrate on anything, my memory has gone to shreds.
Now I know this is just a low point, but every fall requires every single ounce of my strength to keep me afloat, and I can't help but feel this is just a massive waste of time. I need to write, I need to animate, I've got so many things I want to work on, but I can't because I'm getting lost in my own home.
I need to go to the doctors. I've been terrified for so many years of having to live off drugs for the rest of my life, but in all honesty, this is the closest I've been since a long while to killing myself.
You see, the thing with suicide is, every now and again I want to hide away, run from everything that scares me, and sometimes suicide seems like a pretty idea. Then I come around to thinking that being dead wouldn't be that bad after all, less reality tv and all that. ;) But of course, I can combat it, otherwise, well, I'd be dead.
But recently my main arguement for staying alive has been comprimised. I dare to even think about it at the moment, I don't want to recall in fear it'll send me down again. The loss of memory is the only defence I seem to have against myself at the moment, to forget all the thoughts, the insights into myself and why I don't want to live anymore. Forget all about it and live like some demented zombie with no idea where he is.
I don't even know what I'm afraid of anymore, I'm not even sure if I'm afraid of anything. I just know life is beginning to become more and more dulling, unable to find the concentration to start having fun again, no matter what I do. In company I can often feel alone, for while my friends who I love to bits can provide me with so much, I always feel as if I'm missing some major aspect, but I don't know what it is.
I can relate to everyone, we all have something in common. But it's the bits of me that are stuck inside that make me lonely, the insanity, the swirling memories inside my head like some demented whirlpool that's washing around in my head. I can't see a thing and I'm lost in my own mind. I've got so many things to do, and I feel like everything I do seems to end in utter failure.
I thought I'd got through this, but I realise now that this isn't something that will ever leave me, it's just something I had to learn to live with... which I guess I have, in a way. But I want more, I don't want this and I want to be without it as much as possible. It's crippling me, and when I need the energy to actually get myself physically checked out as well [my back has been extremely bad for a few years, and I hate having to go the doctors over and over being misdiagnosed again and again], then I know I really need to do something.
I want to go to Uni next year, there are some really fascinating courses in animation and film production that I want to go and study. I've got my story that I'm desperately trying to write but I'm forced to stop and concentrate on my own mentality for fear of what I'd become if I stop fighting myself. I don't want to write a story from this perspective, which is a very selfish one... there are parts I need to use it for, just from experience, but there's so much more I need to write from feeling, and those feelings, of love and magic and hope, are nowhere near as amplified as I need them.
So well, I'm writing this because I'm going to see doctors, try and get medication, I know therapy won't help... I've got plenty of people to talk to, and I know pretty much exactly what my problem is.
Is there anyone here that can relate to this? I need a little encouragement at the moment and I've got nowhere else to turn. Is anyone on medication for being, well...?
I know I'm different, a little bizzare maybe, but I know I've not got that much time in this life, and I can't keep falling into the trap of wasting it when I could be living and producing as much as I can before my time's up.
Perhaps my fear may seem a little silly, but it's there so I have to acknowledge it... it's the courage I need a little help with.
I don't know if I'm mad or I'm ill or what, but I'm uncomfortable. Utterly uncomfortable.. I'm at home nowhere, I can't settle. I can't think, I can't concentrate on anything, my memory has gone to shreds.
Now I know this is just a low point, but every fall requires every single ounce of my strength to keep me afloat, and I can't help but feel this is just a massive waste of time. I need to write, I need to animate, I've got so many things I want to work on, but I can't because I'm getting lost in my own home.
I need to go to the doctors. I've been terrified for so many years of having to live off drugs for the rest of my life, but in all honesty, this is the closest I've been since a long while to killing myself.
You see, the thing with suicide is, every now and again I want to hide away, run from everything that scares me, and sometimes suicide seems like a pretty idea. Then I come around to thinking that being dead wouldn't be that bad after all, less reality tv and all that. ;) But of course, I can combat it, otherwise, well, I'd be dead.
But recently my main arguement for staying alive has been comprimised. I dare to even think about it at the moment, I don't want to recall in fear it'll send me down again. The loss of memory is the only defence I seem to have against myself at the moment, to forget all the thoughts, the insights into myself and why I don't want to live anymore. Forget all about it and live like some demented zombie with no idea where he is.
I don't even know what I'm afraid of anymore, I'm not even sure if I'm afraid of anything. I just know life is beginning to become more and more dulling, unable to find the concentration to start having fun again, no matter what I do. In company I can often feel alone, for while my friends who I love to bits can provide me with so much, I always feel as if I'm missing some major aspect, but I don't know what it is.
I can relate to everyone, we all have something in common. But it's the bits of me that are stuck inside that make me lonely, the insanity, the swirling memories inside my head like some demented whirlpool that's washing around in my head. I can't see a thing and I'm lost in my own mind. I've got so many things to do, and I feel like everything I do seems to end in utter failure.
I thought I'd got through this, but I realise now that this isn't something that will ever leave me, it's just something I had to learn to live with... which I guess I have, in a way. But I want more, I don't want this and I want to be without it as much as possible. It's crippling me, and when I need the energy to actually get myself physically checked out as well [my back has been extremely bad for a few years, and I hate having to go the doctors over and over being misdiagnosed again and again], then I know I really need to do something.
I want to go to Uni next year, there are some really fascinating courses in animation and film production that I want to go and study. I've got my story that I'm desperately trying to write but I'm forced to stop and concentrate on my own mentality for fear of what I'd become if I stop fighting myself. I don't want to write a story from this perspective, which is a very selfish one... there are parts I need to use it for, just from experience, but there's so much more I need to write from feeling, and those feelings, of love and magic and hope, are nowhere near as amplified as I need them.
So well, I'm writing this because I'm going to see doctors, try and get medication, I know therapy won't help... I've got plenty of people to talk to, and I know pretty much exactly what my problem is.
Is there anyone here that can relate to this? I need a little encouragement at the moment and I've got nowhere else to turn. Is anyone on medication for being, well...?
I know I'm different, a little bizzare maybe, but I know I've not got that much time in this life, and I can't keep falling into the trap of wasting it when I could be living and producing as much as I can before my time's up.
Perhaps my fear may seem a little silly, but it's there so I have to acknowledge it... it's the courage I need a little help with.
Page:
It comes and it goes, doesn't it.
Like you said, you've got so many things to do. Working that out, and working out what those things are.. maybe it's not half the battle, but it's an important step.
I wish it wasn't so hard. But it is, and it's the only way.
Like you said, you've got so many things to do. Working that out, and working out what those things are.. maybe it's not half the battle, but it's an important step.
I wish it wasn't so hard. But it is, and it's the only way.
Well I'm trying to help on that bit - christ, I'm taking him away twice in the space of a few weeks, what should I do, pack him off to Siberia? All in favour? =)
This is the first time I've ever replied to one of your long posts Dar, because you're not the intimidating SR cryptic guy, you're Darren, the Welshishman. And this short reply took longer to write than any other post I've done on SR, I'm pretty sure. I can never really know what comment to make, I know you like these to get your thoughts out...I should go to the doctor's again now myself, but I'm still too scared too. Don't know why, it's not even so serious this time. But I can't really compare that to you, it's just the closest comment I can make. Haven't really talked since the second or third time you were here, but worthless comment as it may be, I'm still about.
And hey, at least we found out when we got home that plenty of people here love you ;)
This is the first time I've ever replied to one of your long posts Dar, because you're not the intimidating SR cryptic guy, you're Darren, the Welshishman. And this short reply took longer to write than any other post I've done on SR, I'm pretty sure. I can never really know what comment to make, I know you like these to get your thoughts out...I should go to the doctor's again now myself, but I'm still too scared too. Don't know why, it's not even so serious this time. But I can't really compare that to you, it's just the closest comment I can make. Haven't really talked since the second or third time you were here, but worthless comment as it may be, I'm still about.
And hey, at least we found out when we got home that plenty of people here love you ;)
It sounds like you have a severe sense of frustration that everything around you (life, time) seems to be the same all the time.
The only rememdy/solution I can think of for that is go on holiday (or something out-of-the-ordinary), DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT to that normal schedule.
The only rememdy/solution I can think of for that is go on holiday (or something out-of-the-ordinary), DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT to that normal schedule.
This is a very intense post but it has left me feeling somewhat confused. I believe, however, just the fact that you wrote this shows you must have more courage that what you think you have. I know this is just an internet site but everytime you post something on here you leave a little of yourself on view to others. You are intelligent and articulate and you are making plans for the future which must be a positive sign.
Everyone has only a finite time on this earth to achieve what they wish to achieve but you will never reach the top of the mountain by gazing at it’s peak from the bottom and thinking ‘Gods that is too high’. It needs to be broken down into manageable steps so that each step reached takes you closer to your goal and brings the mountain down to size.
However, as shown by the above paragraph, often I haven’t a clue what I’m talking about.
It’s good if you are going to see the doctor but how do you know therapy will not work – have you tried it? Having people around to talk to is not the same no matter how understanding or supportive they are. Often talking to a stranger can uncover things that friends and relatives never get close to bringing to the surface.
Everyone has only a finite time on this earth to achieve what they wish to achieve but you will never reach the top of the mountain by gazing at it’s peak from the bottom and thinking ‘Gods that is too high’. It needs to be broken down into manageable steps so that each step reached takes you closer to your goal and brings the mountain down to size.
However, as shown by the above paragraph, often I haven’t a clue what I’m talking about.
It’s good if you are going to see the doctor but how do you know therapy will not work – have you tried it? Having people around to talk to is not the same no matter how understanding or supportive they are. Often talking to a stranger can uncover things that friends and relatives never get close to bringing to the surface.
I have this itching insanity.. delusions that all the walls around me are some viscous liquid, that I can tear down with my finger tips. That's not a metaphor, it's real. I feel trapped in my own bedroom, and if it wasn't for the last hold of sanity I've got left I'd be trying to claw my way through the walls right now.
I don't know if I'm mad or I'm ill or what, but I'm uncomfortable. Utterly uncomfortable.. I'm at home nowhere, I can't settle. I can't think, I can't concentrate on anything, my memory has gone to shreds.
Now I know this is just a low point, but every fall requires every single ounce of my strength to keep me afloat, and I can't help but feel this is just a massive waste of time. I need to write, I need to animate, I've got so many things I want to work on, but I can't because I'm getting lost in my own home.
I need to go to the doctors. I've been terrified for so many years of having to live off drugs for the rest of my life, but in all honesty, this is the closest I've been since a long while to killing myself.
You see, the thing with suicide is, every now and again I want to hide away, run from everything that scares me, and sometimes suicide seems like a pretty idea. Then I come around to thinking that being dead wouldn't be that bad after all, less reality tv and all that. ;) But of course, I can combat it, otherwise, well, I'd be dead.
But recently my main arguement for staying alive has been comprimised. I dare to even think about it at the moment, I don't want to recall in fear it'll send me down again. The loss of memory is the only defence I seem to have against myself at the moment, to forget all the thoughts, the insights into myself and why I don't want to live anymore. Forget all about it and live like some demented zombie with no idea where he is.
I don't even know what I'm afraid of anymore, I'm not even sure if I'm afraid of anything. I just know life is beginning to become more and more dulling, unable to find the concentration to start having fun again, no matter what I do. In company I can often feel alone, for while my friends who I love to bits can provide me with so much, I always feel as if I'm missing some major aspect, but I don't know what it is.
I can relate to everyone, we all have something in common. But it's the bits of me that are stuck inside that make me lonely, the insanity, the swirling memories inside my head like some demented whirlpool that's washing around in my head. I can't see a thing and I'm lost in my own mind. I've got so many things to do, and I feel like everything I do seems to end in utter failure.
I thought I'd got through this, but I realise now that this isn't something that will ever leave me, it's just something I had to learn to live with... which I guess I have, in a way. But I want more, I don't want this and I want to be without it as much as possible. It's crippling me, and when I need the energy to actually get myself physically checked out as well [my back has been extremely bad for a few years, and I hate having to go the doctors over and over being misdiagnosed again and again], then I know I really need to do something.
I want to go to Uni next year, there are some really fascinating courses in animation and film production that I want to go and study. I've got my story that I'm desperately trying to write but I'm forced to stop and concentrate on my own mentality for fear of what I'd become if I stop fighting myself. I don't want to write a story from this perspective, which is a very selfish one... there are parts I need to use it for, just from experience, but there's so much more I need to write from feeling, and those feelings, of love and magic and hope, are nowhere near as amplified as I need them.
So well, I'm writing this because I'm going to see doctors, try and get medication, I know therapy won't help... I've got plenty of people to talk to, and I know pretty much exactly what my problem is.
Is there anyone here that can relate to this? I need a little encouragement at the moment and I've got nowhere else to turn. Is anyone on medication for being, well...?
I know I'm different, a little bizzare maybe, but I know I've not got that much time in this life, and I can't keep falling into the trap of wasting it when I could be living and producing as much as I can before my time's up.
Perhaps my fear may seem a little silly, but it's there so I have to acknowledge it... it's the courage I need a little help with.
I don't know if I'm mad or I'm ill or what, but I'm uncomfortable. Utterly uncomfortable.. I'm at home nowhere, I can't settle. I can't think, I can't concentrate on anything, my memory has gone to shreds.
Now I know this is just a low point, but every fall requires every single ounce of my strength to keep me afloat, and I can't help but feel this is just a massive waste of time. I need to write, I need to animate, I've got so many things I want to work on, but I can't because I'm getting lost in my own home.
I need to go to the doctors. I've been terrified for so many years of having to live off drugs for the rest of my life, but in all honesty, this is the closest I've been since a long while to killing myself.
You see, the thing with suicide is, every now and again I want to hide away, run from everything that scares me, and sometimes suicide seems like a pretty idea. Then I come around to thinking that being dead wouldn't be that bad after all, less reality tv and all that. ;) But of course, I can combat it, otherwise, well, I'd be dead.
But recently my main arguement for staying alive has been comprimised. I dare to even think about it at the moment, I don't want to recall in fear it'll send me down again. The loss of memory is the only defence I seem to have against myself at the moment, to forget all the thoughts, the insights into myself and why I don't want to live anymore. Forget all about it and live like some demented zombie with no idea where he is.
I don't even know what I'm afraid of anymore, I'm not even sure if I'm afraid of anything. I just know life is beginning to become more and more dulling, unable to find the concentration to start having fun again, no matter what I do. In company I can often feel alone, for while my friends who I love to bits can provide me with so much, I always feel as if I'm missing some major aspect, but I don't know what it is.
I can relate to everyone, we all have something in common. But it's the bits of me that are stuck inside that make me lonely, the insanity, the swirling memories inside my head like some demented whirlpool that's washing around in my head. I can't see a thing and I'm lost in my own mind. I've got so many things to do, and I feel like everything I do seems to end in utter failure.
I thought I'd got through this, but I realise now that this isn't something that will ever leave me, it's just something I had to learn to live with... which I guess I have, in a way. But I want more, I don't want this and I want to be without it as much as possible. It's crippling me, and when I need the energy to actually get myself physically checked out as well [my back has been extremely bad for a few years, and I hate having to go the doctors over and over being misdiagnosed again and again], then I know I really need to do something.
I want to go to Uni next year, there are some really fascinating courses in animation and film production that I want to go and study. I've got my story that I'm desperately trying to write but I'm forced to stop and concentrate on my own mentality for fear of what I'd become if I stop fighting myself. I don't want to write a story from this perspective, which is a very selfish one... there are parts I need to use it for, just from experience, but there's so much more I need to write from feeling, and those feelings, of love and magic and hope, are nowhere near as amplified as I need them.
So well, I'm writing this because I'm going to see doctors, try and get medication, I know therapy won't help... I've got plenty of people to talk to, and I know pretty much exactly what my problem is.
Is there anyone here that can relate to this? I need a little encouragement at the moment and I've got nowhere else to turn. Is anyone on medication for being, well...?
I know I'm different, a little bizzare maybe, but I know I've not got that much time in this life, and I can't keep falling into the trap of wasting it when I could be living and producing as much as I can before my time's up.
Perhaps my fear may seem a little silly, but it's there so I have to acknowledge it... it's the courage I need a little help with.
Page: