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"Erk, help?"

I have this itching insanity.. delusions that all the walls around me are some viscous liquid, that I can tear down with my finger tips. That's not a metaphor, it's real. I feel trapped in my own bedroom, and if it wasn't for the last hold of sanity I've got left I'd be trying to claw my way through the walls right now.

I don't know if I'm mad or I'm ill or what, but I'm uncomfortable. Utterly uncomfortable.. I'm at home nowhere, I can't settle. I can't think, I can't concentrate on anything, my memory has gone to shreds.

Now I know this is just a low point, but every fall requires every single ounce of my strength to keep me afloat, and I can't help but feel this is just a massive waste of time. I need to write, I need to animate, I've got so many things I want to work on, but I can't because I'm getting lost in my own home.

I need to go to the doctors. I've been terrified for so many years of having to live off drugs for the rest of my life, but in all honesty, this is the closest I've been since a long while to killing myself.

You see, the thing with suicide is, every now and again I want to hide away, run from everything that scares me, and sometimes suicide seems like a pretty idea. Then I come around to thinking that being dead wouldn't be that bad after all, less reality tv and all that. ;) But of course, I can combat it, otherwise, well, I'd be dead.

But recently my main arguement for staying alive has been comprimised. I dare to even think about it at the moment, I don't want to recall in fear it'll send me down again. The loss of memory is the only defence I seem to have against myself at the moment, to forget all the thoughts, the insights into myself and why I don't want to live anymore. Forget all about it and live like some demented zombie with no idea where he is.

I don't even know what I'm afraid of anymore, I'm not even sure if I'm afraid of anything. I just know life is beginning to become more and more dulling, unable to find the concentration to start having fun again, no matter what I do. In company I can often feel alone, for while my friends who I love to bits can provide me with so much, I always feel as if I'm missing some major aspect, but I don't know what it is.

I can relate to everyone, we all have something in common. But it's the bits of me that are stuck inside that make me lonely, the insanity, the swirling memories inside my head like some demented whirlpool that's washing around in my head. I can't see a thing and I'm lost in my own mind. I've got so many things to do, and I feel like everything I do seems to end in utter failure.

I thought I'd got through this, but I realise now that this isn't something that will ever leave me, it's just something I had to learn to live with... which I guess I have, in a way. But I want more, I don't want this and I want to be without it as much as possible. It's crippling me, and when I need the energy to actually get myself physically checked out as well [my back has been extremely bad for a few years, and I hate having to go the doctors over and over being misdiagnosed again and again], then I know I really need to do something.

I want to go to Uni next year, there are some really fascinating courses in animation and film production that I want to go and study. I've got my story that I'm desperately trying to write but I'm forced to stop and concentrate on my own mentality for fear of what I'd become if I stop fighting myself. I don't want to write a story from this perspective, which is a very selfish one... there are parts I need to use it for, just from experience, but there's so much more I need to write from feeling, and those feelings, of love and magic and hope, are nowhere near as amplified as I need them.

So well, I'm writing this because I'm going to see doctors, try and get medication, I know therapy won't help... I've got plenty of people to talk to, and I know pretty much exactly what my problem is.

Is there anyone here that can relate to this? I need a little encouragement at the moment and I've got nowhere else to turn. Is anyone on medication for being, well...?

I know I'm different, a little bizzare maybe, but I know I've not got that much time in this life, and I can't keep falling into the trap of wasting it when I could be living and producing as much as I can before my time's up.

Perhaps my fear may seem a little silly, but it's there so I have to acknowledge it... it's the courage I need a little help with.

I can appreciate what you are saying Grix, since around 3rd year high school I have been on what seems to be an endless slippery slope. I was a high achiever before this, always in the top 10% of anything I put my mind to. Since then I have gradually been losing confidence in my abilities, which in a way is probably the reason I am failing in the first place.

I now almost expect to fail everything I try. I have done 2 college courses, one I failed, the second I dropped out of. I have had several dogs body jobs, where people have paid me from the neck down, couldn't give a crap about my opinion, and talked down to me, even though I knew the job inside out and could do it better than them given half the chance.

I have been at Uni for the past 5 years, I should have finished a year ago, but have screwed up several modules. I convinced myself that I was incapable of completing my course, and still have my doubts, even though in theory the worst of it is over. I still believe my skills to be severely inadequate for the job I am training myself for. I have a ridiculously large amount of debt to pay off once I have finished.

I have been borderline bankrupt for about 2-3 years now, while all my friends have long ago finished education and are raking in a respectable amount. I am unable to join them on most excursions and get togethers, and feel isolated in many ways because of this. Uni has also contributed to this, with exams, revision and of course my dissertation forcing me to avoid such important activities as some close friends stag do's, and also miss more work, meaning my financial situation has gotten even worse. To be honest all this culminates to a feeling of complete despair sometimes. I feel trapped and unable to improve my situation, and sometimes doubt it will ever improve.

My parents are pretty much no help whatsoever, I get the feeling half the time they wouldn't notice if I was around or not. I would like to move out but am obviously unable to do that.

So yes, I think I know how you feel. I hope you find something that gives you a bit of equilibrium and balance. Best of luck to you Grix mate. Misery Loves Company. :D

VenomByte wrote:
> However bad things look, you can always at least take comfort in the
> fact that you're not Jeremy Beadle.

Jeremy Beadle is a veritable treasure-house of peculiar knowledge, you know. And speaking of peculiar wonders: the ingenious weavings of master Thraves. Keep going, as the motto said. Keep creating.

Shh, don't remind him of that, he'll shout at me =P They'r eon my landing. He was meant to do it when he was last here, but could he be bothered? Nooo... :D T'will go off shortly. Well, not at midnight, obviously.

Sounds like you need to clear your head.


Take a small holiday or try something new. Get away from all this animation and story writing for a little while.
It'll still subconsciously build in your head, but when you eventually come back to it you'll have a fresh burst of energy and enthusiasm.



Another thing you COULD try is meditation.
Will do NOTHING for you in the short term, but in the long term it might help you clear your head when it messes up.

Hang in there.

And I've still not gotten my T-shirt yet! :-P

Crap Grix, it's quite amazing - saying that I think I know you is going a bit far, but it is like that in a way - I've been reading your posts for a couple of years now, and as Sheepy said, it's sad to see you like this again.

From what I know of you, which is basicly your writing, you're quite an incredible and unique bloke. And your writing dwarfs anything I can write myself. I don't know what you should do, but whatever, {generic message of support}.

Quiet you, or I'll tickle you with my tiny hand.

Thanks everyone, load of lovely replies here. Lots of people have confidence in me, which I find very nice.

Feeling much more empowered than I did this morning, doctors were closed today for training, I'll go see them tomorrow.

rarrrr gotta work on my website. Thanks people.

Unless of course, you actually are. In which case, Mr Beadle, I'm very sorry and I apologise for any offence I might have caused.

Please don't sue me!

However bad things look, you can always at least take comfort in the fact that you're not Jeremy Beadle.

Ironic i feel like that... but i think it's because i need to sort my life out just like you, like finally deciding what i want to be and whether to pluck up the courage to speak to this girl i haven't talked to for 2 years.
It's funny because one day you could be miserable the next you could be smiling, laughing and having a great overall day however I don't see any good in resolving it with drug taking, smoking or drinking as they are addicting and unhealthy.

Good luck to you anyway i have this mate i've known since primary school though we're close i can't bare sharing anything more than footie, gaming etc but not about my life your lucky to have good mates willing to cheer you up!

Hello Grix... its a shame to see you like this again but as always you usually get yourself back up and I hope you do the same this time. I can't really help you but just do what makes you happy and I although you may think it killing yourself isn't it.

You'd regret it... if you like weren't dead

I'm sorry I find comfort in humour.

Love Sheepy