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"Erk, help?"

I have this itching insanity.. delusions that all the walls around me are some viscous liquid, that I can tear down with my finger tips. That's not a metaphor, it's real. I feel trapped in my own bedroom, and if it wasn't for the last hold of sanity I've got left I'd be trying to claw my way through the walls right now.

I don't know if I'm mad or I'm ill or what, but I'm uncomfortable. Utterly uncomfortable.. I'm at home nowhere, I can't settle. I can't think, I can't concentrate on anything, my memory has gone to shreds.

Now I know this is just a low point, but every fall requires every single ounce of my strength to keep me afloat, and I can't help but feel this is just a massive waste of time. I need to write, I need to animate, I've got so many things I want to work on, but I can't because I'm getting lost in my own home.

I need to go to the doctors. I've been terrified for so many years of having to live off drugs for the rest of my life, but in all honesty, this is the closest I've been since a long while to killing myself.

You see, the thing with suicide is, every now and again I want to hide away, run from everything that scares me, and sometimes suicide seems like a pretty idea. Then I come around to thinking that being dead wouldn't be that bad after all, less reality tv and all that. ;) But of course, I can combat it, otherwise, well, I'd be dead.

But recently my main arguement for staying alive has been comprimised. I dare to even think about it at the moment, I don't want to recall in fear it'll send me down again. The loss of memory is the only defence I seem to have against myself at the moment, to forget all the thoughts, the insights into myself and why I don't want to live anymore. Forget all about it and live like some demented zombie with no idea where he is.

I don't even know what I'm afraid of anymore, I'm not even sure if I'm afraid of anything. I just know life is beginning to become more and more dulling, unable to find the concentration to start having fun again, no matter what I do. In company I can often feel alone, for while my friends who I love to bits can provide me with so much, I always feel as if I'm missing some major aspect, but I don't know what it is.

I can relate to everyone, we all have something in common. But it's the bits of me that are stuck inside that make me lonely, the insanity, the swirling memories inside my head like some demented whirlpool that's washing around in my head. I can't see a thing and I'm lost in my own mind. I've got so many things to do, and I feel like everything I do seems to end in utter failure.

I thought I'd got through this, but I realise now that this isn't something that will ever leave me, it's just something I had to learn to live with... which I guess I have, in a way. But I want more, I don't want this and I want to be without it as much as possible. It's crippling me, and when I need the energy to actually get myself physically checked out as well [my back has been extremely bad for a few years, and I hate having to go the doctors over and over being misdiagnosed again and again], then I know I really need to do something.

I want to go to Uni next year, there are some really fascinating courses in animation and film production that I want to go and study. I've got my story that I'm desperately trying to write but I'm forced to stop and concentrate on my own mentality for fear of what I'd become if I stop fighting myself. I don't want to write a story from this perspective, which is a very selfish one... there are parts I need to use it for, just from experience, but there's so much more I need to write from feeling, and those feelings, of love and magic and hope, are nowhere near as amplified as I need them.

So well, I'm writing this because I'm going to see doctors, try and get medication, I know therapy won't help... I've got plenty of people to talk to, and I know pretty much exactly what my problem is.

Is there anyone here that can relate to this? I need a little encouragement at the moment and I've got nowhere else to turn. Is anyone on medication for being, well...?

I know I'm different, a little bizzare maybe, but I know I've not got that much time in this life, and I can't keep falling into the trap of wasting it when I could be living and producing as much as I can before my time's up.

Perhaps my fear may seem a little silly, but it's there so I have to acknowledge it... it's the courage I need a little help with.

I always withdrew anyway, it'll make no differenc..

hey, shut up!

Grix Thraves wrote:
> "it stops you from ejaculating." Uh-oh.

Stop. Listen. Can you hear the sheep rejoicing? :D

Aww, we all love you darren, you big lovable welshman you ;)

Mr Snuggly wrote:
"You can claim DVD movies now too!"

I'm sorry, I can't stop reading that. The exclaimation mark is scaring me.

ooh, found it, my samurai koala story.

How cool.. hmm.. er.. I wonder if I want anything.

I have a prize?

What the hell was that for? :D

You could always claim your outstanding GAD prize. You can claim DVD movies now too!

Ello again, little update.

So far it's chronic depression. On cipramil now, one tablet a day sort of thing... reviews tend to be good, apart from one that says "it stops you from ejaculating." Uh-oh.

And just found out that was the drug that kinda really messed up a friend of mine too... oops, should have remembered that.

However, I am positive. In all serious I can't see really how any night can really get worse without resulting in my death, so hey. Let's see how it goes.

And thanks for all the replies again, friendship is by far the best pick up there is. :P

Mouldy Cheese wrote:
> Crap Grix, it's quite amazing - saying that I think I know you is
> going a bit far, but it is like that in a way - I've been reading
> your posts for a couple of years now, and as Sheepy said, it's sad to
> see you like this again.
>
> From what I know of you, which is basicly your writing, you're quite
> an incredible and unique bloke. And your writing dwarfs anything I
> can write myself. I don't know what you should do, but whatever,
> {generic message of support}.

I second that generic message of support. The amount of intelligence and thought put into what you put on here far outweighs 99% of people's. And that's just an internet forum....

It is sad to 'see' you like this again. Sometimes it's hard to appreciate other people who in your reality are just names and little colours and some vacant opinions, but Mr. Grix has always been a little more interesting, to say the least. Hope you find what you want.

I often feel contrained in a world that doesn't understand me. I don't understand the need for everyone to be the same. What you do is slowly fight back and show the world that they need you and they need your ideas. You can be flexible, but never ever let go of that magic inside, it's the thing that keeps you going, even more than that big red pumping muscle (no, not that one!).

Try to smile, it sounds silly, but just a smile, even a fake one, can completely change your thoughts.

Wave your arms about and blow rasberries at the world in general. It all helps, it's even better if someone else is watching!


"Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
So, work like you don't need money,
love like you have never been hurt and
dance like no one's watching." Crystal Boyd


I hope it's some help and it's good to hear you're already feeling better than when you wrote the first post. The world needs you, as Grix and as Darren, never forget that.

Hey Grix. Glad to read that you're feeling a little better today (you see what I did there, reading the whole thread before replying). I have to say I'm shocked to hear that a doctors surgery could be closed for training in the middle of the week. Never mind, I think you're doing the right thing by going to see someone, don't let them being closed today put you off.

It's sad to see you like this again, and I wish there was something I could say to help? Perhaps a thank you for all of those times you've made me smile or made me think with something you've written. You certainly helped to make those early days here so much fun.

Hang in there.