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As impossible as that is to imagine, I have witnessed a film more cringingly bad and embarrassing than "Stiffler and the Monk".
"The Quest"
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme & Roger Moore.
A pairing obviously devised in the upper-echelons of heaven, and handed down by divine powers to the film's writer and director...Van Damme himself!!!
It was just plain terrible, like a pantomime version of Bloodsport, with Moore and Van Damme as the fron and back of a comedy horse. I had to watch it all the way through just see if it could get any worse, and it did. It just got worse, and worse, and worse. And then some more.
The "plot" went as follows:
Van Damme is a clown/street entertainer in 1850s New York. He gets in trouble with the police, so he kung-fus them all and escapes back to his hideout, where it emerges that he's a Fagin-esque character, and he's got loads of little urchins working for him. Some of his urchins have just got in trouble with the Mafia! Later on, the Mafia come and start shooting up the place, but Van Damme beats them all up, regardless of their machine guns, but hen the police come and - oh no - one of his little urchins has been shot! But he's not dead, he can't did - it was only in the shoulder. Tearfully, he says his farewells to the oldest of the little kids, who he, tearfully, tells is in charge. But it's the kid that wants him to go. Even though the Mafia had machine guns and are in a heap on the floor, Van Damme will still get the blame, apparently.
So he runs from the police to the docks, where he manages to stowaway on a pirate ship! "A pirate ship in a dock in 1850s New York?" you ask. Yes, that's what actually happened. A few days later he wakes up on the pirate ship, but he gets caught, tortured and shackled. They make him do work, and they sail some more. A few days later, avoiding most of the ocean, they arrive in Asia. Just like that. No waves, sharks, etc. They just arrive. But then suddenly the pirates get attacked by another gang of pirates - lead by...Roger Moore! Van Damme beats everyone up, and Moore notices this by raising his eyebrow. Moore takes on Van Damme, but sells him to a Chinese gangster on the island that was right next to them!!!
Moore goes, leaving Van Damme. Moore comes back a few months later - Van Damme has been trained up to be a fighter!!! Van Damme fights, wins, confronts Moore, but all is forgiven! They get on a ship together and head off for a tournament for some reason. The tournament is the "best fighter in the world". That's right, just like Enter The Dragon. Apparently it's in "The Lost city" too - except it's on a map, and it only takes a few days to get there by donkey, so it can't be that lost. Loads of people live there too, and there's no source of vegetation - it's the desert.
Did I mention there's a love interest too? Some woman, blond, thin. I looked her up on the IMDB and it all sounded like porn. Moore's side-kick that wasn't Van Damme (fat bloke with beard) is in a sequel to Soccer Dog. Says it all really. I digress - back to the plot!
They get to the city after Van Damme beats up man they were transporting there who was really meant to fight but he runs off so Van Damme has to take his place in order to fight for a golden dragon. And then the fighting starts. Japan Vs Brazil. Turkey vs Scotland. China vs Russia. It swas like a world cup of stereotypes. The Scottish bloke actually had a kilt and ginger hair. Oh, it get's worse. Van Damme's sworn enemy gets killed in a fight against new nemesis, which makes Van Damme realise that he probably wasn't so bad after all, and he swears to get revenge. They fight some more, and surprise, surprise, Van Damme beats the man who was twice as big as him. USA, USA, USA! But wait, Van Damme is Belgian, which is like a crap version of France, so can't be American. No-one seems to care. Van Damme, Moore, Woman, Original American Fighter, and man from soccer Dog split golden dragon 5 ways. The end.
Seriously, that was the end. They briefly skipped over what happened to all the kids back home. Something about Van Damme and woman living on a farm, and then some old bloke closed a book like it had all been told from his point of view, except there was no narration throughout the entire film!!!!
And there you have it. I've written far too much on this film, but it was just such a turkey. I dare, no, challenge you to find a worse film than that!
"The Quest"
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme & Roger Moore.
A pairing obviously devised in the upper-echelons of heaven, and handed down by divine powers to the film's writer and director...Van Damme himself!!!
It was just plain terrible, like a pantomime version of Bloodsport, with Moore and Van Damme as the fron and back of a comedy horse. I had to watch it all the way through just see if it could get any worse, and it did. It just got worse, and worse, and worse. And then some more.
The "plot" went as follows:
Van Damme is a clown/street entertainer in 1850s New York. He gets in trouble with the police, so he kung-fus them all and escapes back to his hideout, where it emerges that he's a Fagin-esque character, and he's got loads of little urchins working for him. Some of his urchins have just got in trouble with the Mafia! Later on, the Mafia come and start shooting up the place, but Van Damme beats them all up, regardless of their machine guns, but hen the police come and - oh no - one of his little urchins has been shot! But he's not dead, he can't did - it was only in the shoulder. Tearfully, he says his farewells to the oldest of the little kids, who he, tearfully, tells is in charge. But it's the kid that wants him to go. Even though the Mafia had machine guns and are in a heap on the floor, Van Damme will still get the blame, apparently.
So he runs from the police to the docks, where he manages to stowaway on a pirate ship! "A pirate ship in a dock in 1850s New York?" you ask. Yes, that's what actually happened. A few days later he wakes up on the pirate ship, but he gets caught, tortured and shackled. They make him do work, and they sail some more. A few days later, avoiding most of the ocean, they arrive in Asia. Just like that. No waves, sharks, etc. They just arrive. But then suddenly the pirates get attacked by another gang of pirates - lead by...Roger Moore! Van Damme beats everyone up, and Moore notices this by raising his eyebrow. Moore takes on Van Damme, but sells him to a Chinese gangster on the island that was right next to them!!!
Moore goes, leaving Van Damme. Moore comes back a few months later - Van Damme has been trained up to be a fighter!!! Van Damme fights, wins, confronts Moore, but all is forgiven! They get on a ship together and head off for a tournament for some reason. The tournament is the "best fighter in the world". That's right, just like Enter The Dragon. Apparently it's in "The Lost city" too - except it's on a map, and it only takes a few days to get there by donkey, so it can't be that lost. Loads of people live there too, and there's no source of vegetation - it's the desert.
Did I mention there's a love interest too? Some woman, blond, thin. I looked her up on the IMDB and it all sounded like porn. Moore's side-kick that wasn't Van Damme (fat bloke with beard) is in a sequel to Soccer Dog. Says it all really. I digress - back to the plot!
They get to the city after Van Damme beats up man they were transporting there who was really meant to fight but he runs off so Van Damme has to take his place in order to fight for a golden dragon. And then the fighting starts. Japan Vs Brazil. Turkey vs Scotland. China vs Russia. It swas like a world cup of stereotypes. The Scottish bloke actually had a kilt and ginger hair. Oh, it get's worse. Van Damme's sworn enemy gets killed in a fight against new nemesis, which makes Van Damme realise that he probably wasn't so bad after all, and he swears to get revenge. They fight some more, and surprise, surprise, Van Damme beats the man who was twice as big as him. USA, USA, USA! But wait, Van Damme is Belgian, which is like a crap version of France, so can't be American. No-one seems to care. Van Damme, Moore, Woman, Original American Fighter, and man from soccer Dog split golden dragon 5 ways. The end.
Seriously, that was the end. They briefly skipped over what happened to all the kids back home. Something about Van Damme and woman living on a farm, and then some old bloke closed a book like it had all been told from his point of view, except there was no narration throughout the entire film!!!!
And there you have it. I've written far too much on this film, but it was just such a turkey. I dare, no, challenge you to find a worse film than that!
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Exactly.
Watch "Jack Frost - The Killer Snowman" for an example of how much fun a gleefully inept film can be.
Speaking of which, the writer of "Identity" was the guy who wrote both of the Jack Frost movies. This was almost as much of a suprise to me as the twist in the film itself.
Watch "Jack Frost - The Killer Snowman" for an example of how much fun a gleefully inept film can be.
Speaking of which, the writer of "Identity" was the guy who wrote both of the Jack Frost movies. This was almost as much of a suprise to me as the twist in the film itself.
Ummm, machine guns and the mafia in 1850's New York? The American Civil War hadn't even happened yet!
I've often wanted to see this film, just to see how terrible it really is, a bit like one of Moore's other crap films Bullseye!, it's like looking at a car wreck, you know it's bad, but you just can't help it.
Sir Roger Moore rules, but I can't help but feel that he should have quit after A View to a Kill, because since then, he's done zero in terms of quality film or TV, apart from being a voice on a radio in The Saint movie.
Sir Roger Moore rules, but I can't help but feel that he should have quit after A View to a Kill, because since then, he's done zero in terms of quality film or TV, apart from being a voice on a radio in The Saint movie.
This film sounds great, for all the wrong reasons.
If you feel dumber reading it - imagine watching it!
Sounds class.
Even reading that made me feel stupid.
Why, I must ask why you would willingly watch a film with Van Dammit and James Bond as a Pirate?
Underworld is worse though
Why, I must ask why you would willingly watch a film with Van Dammit and James Bond as a Pirate?
Underworld is worse though
As impossible as that is to imagine, I have witnessed a film more cringingly bad and embarrassing than "Stiffler and the Monk".
"The Quest"
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme & Roger Moore.
A pairing obviously devised in the upper-echelons of heaven, and handed down by divine powers to the film's writer and director...Van Damme himself!!!
It was just plain terrible, like a pantomime version of Bloodsport, with Moore and Van Damme as the fron and back of a comedy horse. I had to watch it all the way through just see if it could get any worse, and it did. It just got worse, and worse, and worse. And then some more.
The "plot" went as follows:
Van Damme is a clown/street entertainer in 1850s New York. He gets in trouble with the police, so he kung-fus them all and escapes back to his hideout, where it emerges that he's a Fagin-esque character, and he's got loads of little urchins working for him. Some of his urchins have just got in trouble with the Mafia! Later on, the Mafia come and start shooting up the place, but Van Damme beats them all up, regardless of their machine guns, but hen the police come and - oh no - one of his little urchins has been shot! But he's not dead, he can't did - it was only in the shoulder. Tearfully, he says his farewells to the oldest of the little kids, who he, tearfully, tells is in charge. But it's the kid that wants him to go. Even though the Mafia had machine guns and are in a heap on the floor, Van Damme will still get the blame, apparently.
So he runs from the police to the docks, where he manages to stowaway on a pirate ship! "A pirate ship in a dock in 1850s New York?" you ask. Yes, that's what actually happened. A few days later he wakes up on the pirate ship, but he gets caught, tortured and shackled. They make him do work, and they sail some more. A few days later, avoiding most of the ocean, they arrive in Asia. Just like that. No waves, sharks, etc. They just arrive. But then suddenly the pirates get attacked by another gang of pirates - lead by...Roger Moore! Van Damme beats everyone up, and Moore notices this by raising his eyebrow. Moore takes on Van Damme, but sells him to a Chinese gangster on the island that was right next to them!!!
Moore goes, leaving Van Damme. Moore comes back a few months later - Van Damme has been trained up to be a fighter!!! Van Damme fights, wins, confronts Moore, but all is forgiven! They get on a ship together and head off for a tournament for some reason. The tournament is the "best fighter in the world". That's right, just like Enter The Dragon. Apparently it's in "The Lost city" too - except it's on a map, and it only takes a few days to get there by donkey, so it can't be that lost. Loads of people live there too, and there's no source of vegetation - it's the desert.
Did I mention there's a love interest too? Some woman, blond, thin. I looked her up on the IMDB and it all sounded like porn. Moore's side-kick that wasn't Van Damme (fat bloke with beard) is in a sequel to Soccer Dog. Says it all really. I digress - back to the plot!
They get to the city after Van Damme beats up man they were transporting there who was really meant to fight but he runs off so Van Damme has to take his place in order to fight for a golden dragon. And then the fighting starts. Japan Vs Brazil. Turkey vs Scotland. China vs Russia. It swas like a world cup of stereotypes. The Scottish bloke actually had a kilt and ginger hair. Oh, it get's worse. Van Damme's sworn enemy gets killed in a fight against new nemesis, which makes Van Damme realise that he probably wasn't so bad after all, and he swears to get revenge. They fight some more, and surprise, surprise, Van Damme beats the man who was twice as big as him. USA, USA, USA! But wait, Van Damme is Belgian, which is like a crap version of France, so can't be American. No-one seems to care. Van Damme, Moore, Woman, Original American Fighter, and man from soccer Dog split golden dragon 5 ways. The end.
Seriously, that was the end. They briefly skipped over what happened to all the kids back home. Something about Van Damme and woman living on a farm, and then some old bloke closed a book like it had all been told from his point of view, except there was no narration throughout the entire film!!!!
And there you have it. I've written far too much on this film, but it was just such a turkey. I dare, no, challenge you to find a worse film than that!
"The Quest"
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme & Roger Moore.
A pairing obviously devised in the upper-echelons of heaven, and handed down by divine powers to the film's writer and director...Van Damme himself!!!
It was just plain terrible, like a pantomime version of Bloodsport, with Moore and Van Damme as the fron and back of a comedy horse. I had to watch it all the way through just see if it could get any worse, and it did. It just got worse, and worse, and worse. And then some more.
The "plot" went as follows:
Van Damme is a clown/street entertainer in 1850s New York. He gets in trouble with the police, so he kung-fus them all and escapes back to his hideout, where it emerges that he's a Fagin-esque character, and he's got loads of little urchins working for him. Some of his urchins have just got in trouble with the Mafia! Later on, the Mafia come and start shooting up the place, but Van Damme beats them all up, regardless of their machine guns, but hen the police come and - oh no - one of his little urchins has been shot! But he's not dead, he can't did - it was only in the shoulder. Tearfully, he says his farewells to the oldest of the little kids, who he, tearfully, tells is in charge. But it's the kid that wants him to go. Even though the Mafia had machine guns and are in a heap on the floor, Van Damme will still get the blame, apparently.
So he runs from the police to the docks, where he manages to stowaway on a pirate ship! "A pirate ship in a dock in 1850s New York?" you ask. Yes, that's what actually happened. A few days later he wakes up on the pirate ship, but he gets caught, tortured and shackled. They make him do work, and they sail some more. A few days later, avoiding most of the ocean, they arrive in Asia. Just like that. No waves, sharks, etc. They just arrive. But then suddenly the pirates get attacked by another gang of pirates - lead by...Roger Moore! Van Damme beats everyone up, and Moore notices this by raising his eyebrow. Moore takes on Van Damme, but sells him to a Chinese gangster on the island that was right next to them!!!
Moore goes, leaving Van Damme. Moore comes back a few months later - Van Damme has been trained up to be a fighter!!! Van Damme fights, wins, confronts Moore, but all is forgiven! They get on a ship together and head off for a tournament for some reason. The tournament is the "best fighter in the world". That's right, just like Enter The Dragon. Apparently it's in "The Lost city" too - except it's on a map, and it only takes a few days to get there by donkey, so it can't be that lost. Loads of people live there too, and there's no source of vegetation - it's the desert.
Did I mention there's a love interest too? Some woman, blond, thin. I looked her up on the IMDB and it all sounded like porn. Moore's side-kick that wasn't Van Damme (fat bloke with beard) is in a sequel to Soccer Dog. Says it all really. I digress - back to the plot!
They get to the city after Van Damme beats up man they were transporting there who was really meant to fight but he runs off so Van Damme has to take his place in order to fight for a golden dragon. And then the fighting starts. Japan Vs Brazil. Turkey vs Scotland. China vs Russia. It swas like a world cup of stereotypes. The Scottish bloke actually had a kilt and ginger hair. Oh, it get's worse. Van Damme's sworn enemy gets killed in a fight against new nemesis, which makes Van Damme realise that he probably wasn't so bad after all, and he swears to get revenge. They fight some more, and surprise, surprise, Van Damme beats the man who was twice as big as him. USA, USA, USA! But wait, Van Damme is Belgian, which is like a crap version of France, so can't be American. No-one seems to care. Van Damme, Moore, Woman, Original American Fighter, and man from soccer Dog split golden dragon 5 ways. The end.
Seriously, that was the end. They briefly skipped over what happened to all the kids back home. Something about Van Damme and woman living on a farm, and then some old bloke closed a book like it had all been told from his point of view, except there was no narration throughout the entire film!!!!
And there you have it. I've written far too much on this film, but it was just such a turkey. I dare, no, challenge you to find a worse film than that!
Page: