The "Freeola Customer Forum" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
As impossible as that is to imagine, I have witnessed a film more cringingly bad and embarrassing than "Stiffler and the Monk".
"The Quest"
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme & Roger Moore.
A pairing obviously devised in the upper-echelons of heaven, and handed down by divine powers to the film's writer and director...Van Damme himself!!!
It was just plain terrible, like a pantomime version of Bloodsport, with Moore and Van Damme as the fron and back of a comedy horse. I had to watch it all the way through just see if it could get any worse, and it did. It just got worse, and worse, and worse. And then some more.
The "plot" went as follows:
Van Damme is a clown/street entertainer in 1850s New York. He gets in trouble with the police, so he kung-fus them all and escapes back to his hideout, where it emerges that he's a Fagin-esque character, and he's got loads of little urchins working for him. Some of his urchins have just got in trouble with the Mafia! Later on, the Mafia come and start shooting up the place, but Van Damme beats them all up, regardless of their machine guns, but hen the police come and - oh no - one of his little urchins has been shot! But he's not dead, he can't did - it was only in the shoulder. Tearfully, he says his farewells to the oldest of the little kids, who he, tearfully, tells is in charge. But it's the kid that wants him to go. Even though the Mafia had machine guns and are in a heap on the floor, Van Damme will still get the blame, apparently.
So he runs from the police to the docks, where he manages to stowaway on a pirate ship! "A pirate ship in a dock in 1850s New York?" you ask. Yes, that's what actually happened. A few days later he wakes up on the pirate ship, but he gets caught, tortured and shackled. They make him do work, and they sail some more. A few days later, avoiding most of the ocean, they arrive in Asia. Just like that. No waves, sharks, etc. They just arrive. But then suddenly the pirates get attacked by another gang of pirates - lead by...Roger Moore! Van Damme beats everyone up, and Moore notices this by raising his eyebrow. Moore takes on Van Damme, but sells him to a Chinese gangster on the island that was right next to them!!!
Moore goes, leaving Van Damme. Moore comes back a few months later - Van Damme has been trained up to be a fighter!!! Van Damme fights, wins, confronts Moore, but all is forgiven! They get on a ship together and head off for a tournament for some reason. The tournament is the "best fighter in the world". That's right, just like Enter The Dragon. Apparently it's in "The Lost city" too - except it's on a map, and it only takes a few days to get there by donkey, so it can't be that lost. Loads of people live there too, and there's no source of vegetation - it's the desert.
Did I mention there's a love interest too? Some woman, blond, thin. I looked her up on the IMDB and it all sounded like porn. Moore's side-kick that wasn't Van Damme (fat bloke with beard) is in a sequel to Soccer Dog. Says it all really. I digress - back to the plot!
They get to the city after Van Damme beats up man they were transporting there who was really meant to fight but he runs off so Van Damme has to take his place in order to fight for a golden dragon. And then the fighting starts. Japan Vs Brazil. Turkey vs Scotland. China vs Russia. It swas like a world cup of stereotypes. The Scottish bloke actually had a kilt and ginger hair. Oh, it get's worse. Van Damme's sworn enemy gets killed in a fight against new nemesis, which makes Van Damme realise that he probably wasn't so bad after all, and he swears to get revenge. They fight some more, and surprise, surprise, Van Damme beats the man who was twice as big as him. USA, USA, USA! But wait, Van Damme is Belgian, which is like a crap version of France, so can't be American. No-one seems to care. Van Damme, Moore, Woman, Original American Fighter, and man from soccer Dog split golden dragon 5 ways. The end.
Seriously, that was the end. They briefly skipped over what happened to all the kids back home. Something about Van Damme and woman living on a farm, and then some old bloke closed a book like it had all been told from his point of view, except there was no narration throughout the entire film!!!!
And there you have it. I've written far too much on this film, but it was just such a turkey. I dare, no, challenge you to find a worse film than that!
"The Quest"
Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme & Roger Moore.
A pairing obviously devised in the upper-echelons of heaven, and handed down by divine powers to the film's writer and director...Van Damme himself!!!
It was just plain terrible, like a pantomime version of Bloodsport, with Moore and Van Damme as the fron and back of a comedy horse. I had to watch it all the way through just see if it could get any worse, and it did. It just got worse, and worse, and worse. And then some more.
The "plot" went as follows:
Van Damme is a clown/street entertainer in 1850s New York. He gets in trouble with the police, so he kung-fus them all and escapes back to his hideout, where it emerges that he's a Fagin-esque character, and he's got loads of little urchins working for him. Some of his urchins have just got in trouble with the Mafia! Later on, the Mafia come and start shooting up the place, but Van Damme beats them all up, regardless of their machine guns, but hen the police come and - oh no - one of his little urchins has been shot! But he's not dead, he can't did - it was only in the shoulder. Tearfully, he says his farewells to the oldest of the little kids, who he, tearfully, tells is in charge. But it's the kid that wants him to go. Even though the Mafia had machine guns and are in a heap on the floor, Van Damme will still get the blame, apparently.
So he runs from the police to the docks, where he manages to stowaway on a pirate ship! "A pirate ship in a dock in 1850s New York?" you ask. Yes, that's what actually happened. A few days later he wakes up on the pirate ship, but he gets caught, tortured and shackled. They make him do work, and they sail some more. A few days later, avoiding most of the ocean, they arrive in Asia. Just like that. No waves, sharks, etc. They just arrive. But then suddenly the pirates get attacked by another gang of pirates - lead by...Roger Moore! Van Damme beats everyone up, and Moore notices this by raising his eyebrow. Moore takes on Van Damme, but sells him to a Chinese gangster on the island that was right next to them!!!
Moore goes, leaving Van Damme. Moore comes back a few months later - Van Damme has been trained up to be a fighter!!! Van Damme fights, wins, confronts Moore, but all is forgiven! They get on a ship together and head off for a tournament for some reason. The tournament is the "best fighter in the world". That's right, just like Enter The Dragon. Apparently it's in "The Lost city" too - except it's on a map, and it only takes a few days to get there by donkey, so it can't be that lost. Loads of people live there too, and there's no source of vegetation - it's the desert.
Did I mention there's a love interest too? Some woman, blond, thin. I looked her up on the IMDB and it all sounded like porn. Moore's side-kick that wasn't Van Damme (fat bloke with beard) is in a sequel to Soccer Dog. Says it all really. I digress - back to the plot!
They get to the city after Van Damme beats up man they were transporting there who was really meant to fight but he runs off so Van Damme has to take his place in order to fight for a golden dragon. And then the fighting starts. Japan Vs Brazil. Turkey vs Scotland. China vs Russia. It swas like a world cup of stereotypes. The Scottish bloke actually had a kilt and ginger hair. Oh, it get's worse. Van Damme's sworn enemy gets killed in a fight against new nemesis, which makes Van Damme realise that he probably wasn't so bad after all, and he swears to get revenge. They fight some more, and surprise, surprise, Van Damme beats the man who was twice as big as him. USA, USA, USA! But wait, Van Damme is Belgian, which is like a crap version of France, so can't be American. No-one seems to care. Van Damme, Moore, Woman, Original American Fighter, and man from soccer Dog split golden dragon 5 ways. The end.
Seriously, that was the end. They briefly skipped over what happened to all the kids back home. Something about Van Damme and woman living on a farm, and then some old bloke closed a book like it had all been told from his point of view, except there was no narration throughout the entire film!!!!
And there you have it. I've written far too much on this film, but it was just such a turkey. I dare, no, challenge you to find a worse film than that!
Page:
I, sadly, have seen both Top Dog (directed by Aaron Norris!), and Cop-and-a-half. And I also took the time out last night to watch Espace From LA. Christ, I am such a glutten for punishment.
Hmmm, with my (fairly) recent love of crep movies, I might revisit this one. It might turn out to be fun......
Yeah but Burt Reynolds is in it, therefore it is cool.
Even he knows that movie stinks like ass, look at his expression. But Burt's innate style carries it through.
Chuck Norris and an alsation is just bloody stupid. I can't believe we had to suffer a spate of "Copdog!" movies, just as we had those execrable body-swap hilarities.
Worst Case Scenario:
Screen blank, Voiceover Man starts his growl:
"From the makers of 'Copdog 2: Paws of Justice' comes an all-new adventure..."Crimecat". A policedog body swaps into an informer cat and together they have to solve the crrrrrime of the centurrrrry"
And it will have Don Swayze as Copdog's human mentor that has to forgoe years of detective training to rely on a dog's ability to jump through small windows and follow nefarious henchman. With Faruza Balk as the love-interest.
Even he knows that movie stinks like ass, look at his expression. But Burt's innate style carries it through.
Chuck Norris and an alsation is just bloody stupid. I can't believe we had to suffer a spate of "Copdog!" movies, just as we had those execrable body-swap hilarities.
Worst Case Scenario:
Screen blank, Voiceover Man starts his growl:
"From the makers of 'Copdog 2: Paws of Justice' comes an all-new adventure..."Crimecat". A policedog body swaps into an informer cat and together they have to solve the crrrrrime of the centurrrrry"
And it will have Don Swayze as Copdog's human mentor that has to forgoe years of detective training to rely on a dog's ability to jump through small windows and follow nefarious henchman. With Faruza Balk as the love-interest.
Check this one out. I think I have seen it (parts at least), although it was so awful my memory has blanked it completely.
http://www.impawards.com/1993/posters/cop_and_a_half.jpg
http://www.impawards.com/1993/posters/cop_and_a_half.jpg
Whilst reading through the TV mag the other day, I happened upon the film Top Dog on ITV this Friday, a film possibly cliched and aweful that it may be rather funny.
Chuck Norris teams up with a German Shepherd to fight crime and avenge the death of Chuck's dead partner.
http://www.dc-dvd.net/coverscans/dvds.04/r1/lf/7610lf.jpg
Looks like a classy film to me.
Chuck Norris teams up with a German Shepherd to fight crime and avenge the death of Chuck's dead partner.
http://www.dc-dvd.net/coverscans/dvds.04/r1/lf/7610lf.jpg
Looks like a classy film to me.
It sounds interesting just for the sheer "old films cut up with random new bits".
Surely a pirate ship and clown posse in 1850's would be worth watching?
Surely a pirate ship and clown posse in 1850's would be worth watching?
I would have to agree that, after reading the storyline, that this film is completely random and sounds absolutely terrible.
I hate Jean Claude Van Jackass with a passion. I'd like to kick his talentless face with a golf shoe.
Ever seen the film 'Knock Off'?
Oh my god
Ever seen the film 'Knock Off'?
Oh my god
Legally Blond
2
Although this sounds worse.
Also: MVP2 - Most VERTICAL primate
2
Although this sounds worse.
Also: MVP2 - Most VERTICAL primate
I've seen it.
Weep for me.
Weep for me.
Page: