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"It's over"

My girlfriend of the last 4 years and 5 months is leaving. We've argued, split up and then got back together numerous times, but this time it's permanent. Why? Because I finally said all the things I wanted to say in every other argument but didn't the balls to.

She's packing her things up in the other room as I type this. I'm not sat here thinking ...

"Oh, no! I'll be so lonely!"
"Who will I snuggle up to at night?"

... but instead I'm thinking ...

"I can put my speakers in the right place so the soundstage is right."
"A double bed all to myself."
"I can leave the toilet seat up!"

I've told her she didn't have to move out straight away. I said that this is as much her home as it was mine. But, after the things she's said and accused me of in the last couple of weeks I'm glad she's going.

I won't be the typical bachelor, going out drinking and sleeping with anything that moves - I'll just see my mates, have a laugh and do what I like without worrying that every comment or action will be taken as a subtle dig at her. I can talk to my mother on the phone without having to replay the conversation to her afterwards because she thinks my mum hates her. I can spend more than 30 seconds on my PC without getting moaned at. I won't have to endure endless soaps and crap TV shows. And - best of all - I can spank my monkey when I like and where I like!

I'm off to Crewe for the weekend ... cheers, guys.

Hey I though I'd caught myself in time before knocking out a duff one. Guess not.

Anyway you know what they say about things coming in threes.

Timmargh wrote:
> The sagacious one wrote:
> Timmargh wrote:
> HA! That made me choke!
>
> You had it in your mouth as well. Don't you know it's rude to eat
> with your mouth full?
>
> Well, I don't know about you but to me ejaculation isn't an exact
> science: it'll go wherever it wants to!

fapping velocity x angle of wrist + time since last act of manselflove = liklihood of duvet spurt/ splashback/ headboard splattering

The formula is inversely proportional to the intensity of the moment and does not take into account any sudden distractions or sticky page problems whilst on the vinegar strokes.

Timmargh wrote:
> The sagacious one wrote:
> Timmargh wrote:
> HA! That made me choke!
>
> You had it in your mouth as well. Don't you know it's rude to eat
> with your mouth full?
>
> Well, I don't know about you but to me ejaculation isn't an exact
> science: it'll go wherever it wants to!

fapping velocity x angle of wrist + time since last act of manselflove = liklihood of duvet spurt/ splashback/ headboard splattering

The formula is inversely proportional to the intensity of the moment and do not take into account any sudden distractions or sticky page problems whilst on the vinegar strokes.

Timmargh wrote:
> The sagacious one wrote:
> Timmargh wrote:
> HA! That made me choke!
>
> You had it in your mouth as well. Don't you know it's rude to eat
> with your mouth full?
>
> Well, I don't know about you but to me ejaculation isn't an exact
> science: it'll go wherever it wants to!

fapping velocity x angle of wrist + time since last act of manselflove = liklihood of duvet spurt/ splashback/ headboard splattering

The acts of inversely proportional to the intensity of the moment and do not take into account any sudden distractions or sticky page problems whilst on the vinegar strokes.

Rosalind wrote:
> Do you like your women in a plastic cup?

Yes.

"Bunch of flowers!"

The sagacious one wrote:
> Timmargh wrote:
> HA! That made me choke!
>
> You had it in your mouth as well. Don't you know it's rude to eat
> with your mouth full?

Well, I don't know about you but to me ejaculation isn't an exact science: it'll go wherever it wants to!

Do you like your women in a plastic cup?

Timmargh wrote:
> HA! That made me choke!

You had it in your mouth as well. Don't you know it's rude to eat with your mouth full?

Goatboy wrote:
> TIMMARGH!!!

AH, TIMMARGH!