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"Do you ever feel..."

Do you ever think about life, look ahead at your future, and feel like it doesn't matter bit, like you could live forever or die tomorrow and it wouldn't matter at all.

I used to want to do something important. I realised the only real 'good' anyone can do is by benefitting other people (or 'other living things' if you want to drag animals and stuff into it). Otherwise whatever you do is ultimately meaningless abstract changes.

Well a few years on and I've got disillusioned. People suck. Too many are out there to screw everyone else over for all they can get. Too many would be except they don't have the nuts, or they miss their opportunities. And most everyone else is appathetic and detached.
What the f*** do I want to help these people for? These people who would given the chance screw me over, these people who won't even help themselves. Why would anyone want to devote themselves to these people?
And the few good people? They don't need me.

Then where do I figure - who am I? A little from column A, a little from column B. Maybe we all are. I have thoughts that would put me with the people screwing everyone else over if they stuck around long enough. Or maybe they're there enough but I don't have the nuts. Most of the time I'm as lazy an apathetic barstub as everyone else.

So, we're not helping people, and everything else is meaningless.
What's left to sap from your life? Just enjoy it I guess.
If you do, all credit to you. Not me, not really. Everything is dulled, viewed through a dirty window. Feutile.

I wanted to make a stand against something. Maybe one last push with the last of my will to try to make a difference. Maybe a weak effort to drag myself into the minority of people I can look up to. Maybe just so I can say that I tried to make things better. I think I just wanted to make one effort, just so I'd know I tried.

I don't know if you saw my web site. It may have been lefty liberal whining, but I believed in every word I wrote, and if anyone saw the 'what can I do' section, there was a shot at changing things. A slim one.
It'll almost certainly change nothing. But I tried, I made my stand.

*Checks the last thing from the list of stuff to do before I die*


I'm not saying I want to die. But I'm not that desperate to live either.

Whenever you're ready for me Grim.


Thanks for listening.

Hah hah! I still appreciate humour!

But thanks for the sentiment. I need to make that next step...the one where i throw caution to the wind but at the moment there are too many responsibilities I have undertaken before I can go gallivanting around the world.

I went through feelings similar to this recently. When you feel this way, there isn't much anyone can say to change your mind. All I can say is, I rediscovered how much I love my partner, and how much I love spending my time with him. I also rediscovered escapism in the form of Video Games, Books and TV. And I found worth in my self again by realising that in the job I do, I hope to ultimately help people.

I don't want to play down what your feeling, I think now that what I was going through was linked to physical things my body was going through, but that doesn't mean these things are always linked to something similar.
No matter what the cause, what I can only discribe as 'the blackness' which would overcome me from time to time (hopelessness and dispare, feelings of whats the point of it all).

The only advice I can give you is, distract yourself from the way you feel, don't let it overcome you, try not to fall into the trap of thinking to deeply, and immerse yourself in day to day life until you feel better.

Sort of like that song 'Smile' by Charlie Chaplin...

"if you smile through your fear and sorrow, smile and maybe tomorrow,
you'll see the sun come shining thru for you."

Sorry for sounding like an emotional sap :P

When I was young I had honourable intentions as well. I wanted to be a crusader in the loosest sense of the word. I qualified in law and then realised that I wasn't cut out for the rat race. Spiralling debt, lacklustre employment opportunities and a general dismay at the world left me feeling disheartened at life.

A few years on I'm still here working away, becoming someone I never thought I'd be. Becoming a person that I used to loathe. Working endlessly day in and day out for my pension scheme, 3 weeks holiday per year and paying my taxes like a good citizen of society.

However, there's something missing. I feel it everyday when I get up, when I go to work, when I sit at home and stare vacantly at the tv or try to muster up some type of enthusiasm to play a videogame. I feel as if I'm moribund. A dying breed slowly shimmering out of existence with nothing left to mark my passing.

It's hard making the first step. I want to give up the rat race, save some money up and go travelling. I want to see more of the world and forget about the petty little foibles that plague most working people. I don't want to worry about whether I've made a mortgage payment or not - I want to worry about what country I'll be jaunting off to next or where my next expedition will be or what other magnificent sight I want to witness.

I feel almost impervious to normal day events, as if I'm viewing them from a detached perpective, as if I'm on a different plane of existence. It worries me sometimes.

But I will carry on forging through life, hoping that one day I'll have the balls to give it all up and say, "to hell with it."

But not yet. Not by a long chalk.

I am a fair bit older than you but I don't ever remember feeling like this. It wouldn't matter in the overall view of things if I died tomorrow but it would matter to the people I am important to, for a short while anyway. Then you become a memory, a passing thought and then forgotten. Kinda depressing if you start to think like that isn't it?

This could be too broad a subject to go into the good or bad that people are capable of and yet you are correct that most people suck. Although these people, who appear to suck to you or I, probably do little things to help the world and people around them and are important to someone elses' life and feeling of security and wellbeing.

What kind of important thing did you want to do? Something so earth shattering it would change the world? Things rarely happen like that but who knows, you're still young enough.

How could you have checked the last thing from your list - didn't you want to travel? What happened to that dream, what happened to making that a reality?

Make a new list, start with small things and don't try to map your life out from A - Z. Try to map life like this and things will become very depressing for you. You cannot always achieve what you want but if you really try you will not be devestated by defeat. Aim for smaller things first and don't let things pass you by or slide. I did and didn't even try to achieve the dream I had at 15 (it was only a small one).

I believe people need to find a state of contentment, it happens. From this state you can reach heights of great joy or depths of deep depression but you can always bounce back. The old adage is life is for living so get out there and live yours.

I'll stop here because I am starting to waffle again. A trait I have if I try thinking too much.

Indeed ive been feeling this way for some time now. Ulitmately life is a pointless exercise, earning money to fritter away on pointless material goods that somehow seem worthwile at the time is about the only thing that detracts from this pointless existence.

I feel the same way about death too, whether i die tomorrow or in 60 years time, it doesnt really bother me.

Do you ever think about life, look ahead at your future, and feel like it doesn't matter bit, like you could live forever or die tomorrow and it wouldn't matter at all.

I used to want to do something important. I realised the only real 'good' anyone can do is by benefitting other people (or 'other living things' if you want to drag animals and stuff into it). Otherwise whatever you do is ultimately meaningless abstract changes.

Well a few years on and I've got disillusioned. People suck. Too many are out there to screw everyone else over for all they can get. Too many would be except they don't have the nuts, or they miss their opportunities. And most everyone else is appathetic and detached.
What the f*** do I want to help these people for? These people who would given the chance screw me over, these people who won't even help themselves. Why would anyone want to devote themselves to these people?
And the few good people? They don't need me.

Then where do I figure - who am I? A little from column A, a little from column B. Maybe we all are. I have thoughts that would put me with the people screwing everyone else over if they stuck around long enough. Or maybe they're there enough but I don't have the nuts. Most of the time I'm as lazy an apathetic barstub as everyone else.

So, we're not helping people, and everything else is meaningless.
What's left to sap from your life? Just enjoy it I guess.
If you do, all credit to you. Not me, not really. Everything is dulled, viewed through a dirty window. Feutile.

I wanted to make a stand against something. Maybe one last push with the last of my will to try to make a difference. Maybe a weak effort to drag myself into the minority of people I can look up to. Maybe just so I can say that I tried to make things better. I think I just wanted to make one effort, just so I'd know I tried.

I don't know if you saw my web site. It may have been lefty liberal whining, but I believed in every word I wrote, and if anyone saw the 'what can I do' section, there was a shot at changing things. A slim one.
It'll almost certainly change nothing. But I tried, I made my stand.

*Checks the last thing from the list of stuff to do before I die*


I'm not saying I want to die. But I'm not that desperate to live either.

Whenever you're ready for me Grim.


Thanks for listening.