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"Do you ever feel..."

Do you ever think about life, look ahead at your future, and feel like it doesn't matter bit, like you could live forever or die tomorrow and it wouldn't matter at all.

I used to want to do something important. I realised the only real 'good' anyone can do is by benefitting other people (or 'other living things' if you want to drag animals and stuff into it). Otherwise whatever you do is ultimately meaningless abstract changes.

Well a few years on and I've got disillusioned. People suck. Too many are out there to screw everyone else over for all they can get. Too many would be except they don't have the nuts, or they miss their opportunities. And most everyone else is appathetic and detached.
What the f*** do I want to help these people for? These people who would given the chance screw me over, these people who won't even help themselves. Why would anyone want to devote themselves to these people?
And the few good people? They don't need me.

Then where do I figure - who am I? A little from column A, a little from column B. Maybe we all are. I have thoughts that would put me with the people screwing everyone else over if they stuck around long enough. Or maybe they're there enough but I don't have the nuts. Most of the time I'm as lazy an apathetic barstub as everyone else.

So, we're not helping people, and everything else is meaningless.
What's left to sap from your life? Just enjoy it I guess.
If you do, all credit to you. Not me, not really. Everything is dulled, viewed through a dirty window. Feutile.

I wanted to make a stand against something. Maybe one last push with the last of my will to try to make a difference. Maybe a weak effort to drag myself into the minority of people I can look up to. Maybe just so I can say that I tried to make things better. I think I just wanted to make one effort, just so I'd know I tried.

I don't know if you saw my web site. It may have been lefty liberal whining, but I believed in every word I wrote, and if anyone saw the 'what can I do' section, there was a shot at changing things. A slim one.
It'll almost certainly change nothing. But I tried, I made my stand.

*Checks the last thing from the list of stuff to do before I die*


I'm not saying I want to die. But I'm not that desperate to live either.

Whenever you're ready for me Grim.


Thanks for listening.

Write a book.
Seriously, it does help with all the kinda stuff in someway.

Belldandy wrote:
> There's a "Great War" going on right now, we have a purpose
> and a place right here and right now.


As the tagline to the film Bluechips said,
"The hardest part of winning is picking sides"

Actually that's not quite on the point, but I think I'd seriously consider joining the army if I thought I'd only get involved in 'work' I believed in.

Not to say the other side wouldn't be worse, of course.

Surely our real purpose should be to once-and-for-all "see through" the futility of war and conflict - that it achieves nothing, apart from teeing-up the next one.

But Fight Club's a film, and it's best not to look to Hollywood for guidance...

There's a "Great War" going on right now, we have a purpose and a place right here and right now.

But Fight Club's a film, and it's best not to look to Hollywood for guidance...

There's a "Great War" going on right now, we have a purpose and a place right here and right now.

Belldandy wrote:
> Seriously, the only reason most people get all introspective like
> this is because, shock horror, they have it pretty good in the first
> place. Honestly, were all, as far as I know, in a Western Nation ,
> PC, internet access ,education, welfare, money, water, food,
> entertainment, and so on, and we think we've got it crap ?

True, but a quote that stuck in my head, from the film fight club :

"We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives."

Sure it's just a film, but it illustrates a point well I think. As humans we need to feel we are striving to accomplish some higher purpose. If everything is given to us on a plate like in the west, our minds seek satisfaction through other tasks, none of which really come close to making our lives seem purposeful.

*considers flogging anti-depressants on eBay*

You guys interested ? :D

Seriously, the only reason most people get all introspective like this is because, shock horror, they have it pretty good in the first place. Honestly, were all, as far as I know, in a Western Nation , PC, internet access ,education, welfare, money, water, food, entertainment, and so on, and we think we've got it crap ?

About 2/3 of the world's population is more concerned with living from day to day, yet strangley none of them seem all that concerned with there being any grand meaning to it all. Bizar eh ?

I mean, if your only problem is struggling to find some meaning then things aren't really that bad at all IMO.

Yes Doc, I see where you're coming from. That's why I'm keen to get the hell away from where I live, and travel the globe, and meet people, see things and do stuff. Those years will probably be the best of my life.
But, in order to get the money and finance for such a venture I need to complete my eduaction, university, a good job and a substantal amount of money. Or, I could just say to hell with it, and leave home with minimal money and strike forth, hoping that fate and fortune smile down on me.
Whatever happens though, I am determined to do it.

On a differnet note altogether however, when I was young I wanted to make a difference as well. I think everyone did.My idea though was to buy a sniper rifle and ammo, and hunt down and kill the vil people in this world, like terrorists and vicious murderers. Then I realized that that would make me as bad as them. But I still wanted to do it, as it would serve some purpose in my life. Just think (this bit is depressing) of all the people in the world, and how small they are on the grand scale. No-one can make much of a difference, and if someone dies they are mourned a while, then forgotten as the alive move on. I sometimes just think that its all for nothing, this world. That everyone is just an ant in the colony. A face in the crowd. A star in the sky. A grain of sand on a beach. Insignificant.

dr duck my friend, I know exactly how you feel, I am feeling the same at the moment.

Life seems so laborious and inconsequential that it is as though there is almost nothing in the future I could give a crap about.

Don't get me wrong, I have no suicidal ambition, nor do I plan to climb a clock tower with a rifle and a pocket full of shells. I just feel there is something missing from my existence that I cannot explain.

I have always thought running away to another part of the world, another culture, another way of life, would add some freshness to my soul that was sorely needed. Though I may still do that, I am currently trapped in a mundane job, one week melting into the next, until I finally finish my degree, and can FINALLY set about getting myself a decent standard of living. Then I have ridiculous amounts of debt to pay off before I can save to go away. i try to fill as much of my time with trying new things, but little has caught my interest.

Sometimes it really does feel like no matter who we know, or how well we know them and they know us , we are all truly alone when it comes down to it.

It's a dog eat dog world, no matter what you are taught at school

My only aim in life is to find a wife I love truly, grow old with her, and also get myself enough money so that I can raise children into the kind of life they deserve.

If I can one day sit back and see that I've raised two kids and sent them out into the big wide world fully equipped, and made a woman happy for all the years of hard work raising the kids, if I see all that, then on that day death will no longer scare me and I shall be ready for it.