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...what would you change or do differently?
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FINANCIAL POLICIES:
-Deport all lawyers to the US, then torpedo the **** out of the boat on the way over
-Join the Euro, but insist they change the %$?ing name to something a little less homosexual first
-Update the Tax system so it isn't stuck in the 19th century ("You want a rebate? Don't worry sir, we've actually got a COMPUTER TO WORK IT OUT already and the cheque is in the post!")
TRANSPORT POLICIES:
-Ban car journeys less than 5 miles unless driver has a *very* good reason
-Ban knackered cars
-Ban all Rovers
-Make Saab change their name to something a bit less demonic
-All Bicycles for sale at cost price only
-Government to buy back the railway network and plough indecent amounts of money into it
LAW ENFORCEMENT POLICIES:
-The crime for starting on a stranger in the street for no reason, keying someone elses car for no reason, slashing someones bike tyres for no reason or blatantly jumping the queue for coats in a nightclub is execution in all cases
-All criminals must wear pink leotards, all jails must have yellow/pink decor
-Policemen banned from acting like they run the country, as I run it
CULTURE POLICIES:
-Ban all **** advertising, only GENUINELY FUNNY AND/OR ENTERTAINING advertising allowed
-Put Pete Waterman in a washing machine full of broken glass, and spin until he's syrup
-Soap Operas banned
-Lurid gonzo "sex in Ibiza" style programs banned
-ITV banned
-Sky One banned
-Any US influence on documentary programs (WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR DRAMATIC MUSIC AND FAT GOD-FEARING REDNECKS WAIL ABOUT HOW SCARED THEY WERE EVERYTIME THERE'S A STRONG WIND IN OKLAHOMA) banned
-Under 16's banned from using the Internet, unless they can prove they're not mindless drooling retards
EDUCATION POLICIES:
-Teachers cannot physically punish pupils
-All schools to have a big bouncer bloke, who IS allowed to physically punish pupils, so anyone who is taking the michael in class or bullies subordinates gets the living **** kicked out of them
I got bored of making laws after that, I think I need a rub down by some lovely young Downing Street secretaries.
-Deport all lawyers to the US, then torpedo the **** out of the boat on the way over
-Join the Euro, but insist they change the %$?ing name to something a little less homosexual first
-Update the Tax system so it isn't stuck in the 19th century ("You want a rebate? Don't worry sir, we've actually got a COMPUTER TO WORK IT OUT already and the cheque is in the post!")
TRANSPORT POLICIES:
-Ban car journeys less than 5 miles unless driver has a *very* good reason
-Ban knackered cars
-Ban all Rovers
-Make Saab change their name to something a bit less demonic
-All Bicycles for sale at cost price only
-Government to buy back the railway network and plough indecent amounts of money into it
LAW ENFORCEMENT POLICIES:
-The crime for starting on a stranger in the street for no reason, keying someone elses car for no reason, slashing someones bike tyres for no reason or blatantly jumping the queue for coats in a nightclub is execution in all cases
-All criminals must wear pink leotards, all jails must have yellow/pink decor
-Policemen banned from acting like they run the country, as I run it
CULTURE POLICIES:
-Ban all **** advertising, only GENUINELY FUNNY AND/OR ENTERTAINING advertising allowed
-Put Pete Waterman in a washing machine full of broken glass, and spin until he's syrup
-Soap Operas banned
-Lurid gonzo "sex in Ibiza" style programs banned
-ITV banned
-Sky One banned
-Any US influence on documentary programs (WE DON'T NEED TO HEAR DRAMATIC MUSIC AND FAT GOD-FEARING REDNECKS WAIL ABOUT HOW SCARED THEY WERE EVERYTIME THERE'S A STRONG WIND IN OKLAHOMA) banned
-Under 16's banned from using the Internet, unless they can prove they're not mindless drooling retards
EDUCATION POLICIES:
-Teachers cannot physically punish pupils
-All schools to have a big bouncer bloke, who IS allowed to physically punish pupils, so anyone who is taking the michael in class or bullies subordinates gets the living **** kicked out of them
I got bored of making laws after that, I think I need a rub down by some lovely young Downing Street secretaries.
A man sees a....
Moomin! Run. No it's the Flumps leg it.
*Runs around corner and is ambushed by Bagpuss, then mauled to death to those pesky little vermin mice squeak out a ribald song of his demise*
The crazy cats lead by Top Cat, start a trash can bombing campain that results in the loss of several Refuse Operatives. A nation mourns. Later intelligence links the activities to several terrorist leaders: Bin Laden and Oscar the Grouch.
The Wombles vow to take these criminals down, saying that the terrorist cells are currently after soft targets (such as plastic bins), but will soon turn their attention elsewhere. Thus they cannot rule out the possibility of skip fires. The situation is resolved when the terrorists are foiled by Dusty bin sacrificing his life for the good of mankind, as he deploys the Black Hole Binliner (TM) at an opportune moment, taking the bad uns into oblivion.
A nation cries as we watch a tearful Ted Rodgers give the final countdown, 3-sob-2-sob-1, go Dusty.
Moomin! Run. No it's the Flumps leg it.
*Runs around corner and is ambushed by Bagpuss, then mauled to death to those pesky little vermin mice squeak out a ribald song of his demise*
The crazy cats lead by Top Cat, start a trash can bombing campain that results in the loss of several Refuse Operatives. A nation mourns. Later intelligence links the activities to several terrorist leaders: Bin Laden and Oscar the Grouch.
The Wombles vow to take these criminals down, saying that the terrorist cells are currently after soft targets (such as plastic bins), but will soon turn their attention elsewhere. Thus they cannot rule out the possibility of skip fires. The situation is resolved when the terrorists are foiled by Dusty bin sacrificing his life for the good of mankind, as he deploys the Black Hole Binliner (TM) at an opportune moment, taking the bad uns into oblivion.
A nation cries as we watch a tearful Ted Rodgers give the final countdown, 3-sob-2-sob-1, go Dusty.
I was a mayor, does that count?
I had a Moomin Patrol and all.
It decreased crime rates by 638%, because everyone was so very, very scared. And tired.
But mainly scared.
I had a Moomin Patrol and all.
It decreased crime rates by 638%, because everyone was so very, very scared. And tired.
But mainly scared.
A playground push fight is always how I thought the Houses of Parliament should solve discussions. I've got a great mental image of John Prescott squaring off against Anne Widdecombe, with Gordon Brown telling Prezza that she just said something about his mum, before pushing them into each other and laughing.
The sagacious one wrote:
> Political commentators would have to encircle the combatants screaming
> "scrap scrap!" in order to keep this proposal credible.
I want to see John Snow with his "swingometer" yelling "And he's just punched Mitterand in the balls!"
> Shoot Jim Davidson in the face
>
> using Cannon and Ball?
Best joke this year so far.
> Political commentators would have to encircle the combatants screaming
> "scrap scrap!" in order to keep this proposal credible.
I want to see John Snow with his "swingometer" yelling "And he's just punched Mitterand in the balls!"
> Shoot Jim Davidson in the face
>
> using Cannon and Ball?
Best joke this year so far.
Goatboy wrote:
> I would do the following:
>
> Make Brian Blessed the Deputy PM
And staple a loud inhaler to his lips to ensure the rest of Europe know we're coming for them?
> Stop making women pay for sanitary products, they are NOT a luxury
> item.
And kill whoever thought that an advert in which a bloke mistakes a tampon for a sweet, would be funny.
> Anyone arrested for drunken fighting has to sober up and then fight a
> Polar Bear.
who has been drinking whisky since midday, whilst a ferret has been repeatedly nipping him on the balls.
> Make McDonalds an over 18 only thing, because most adults dont eat
> that swill.
I propose that they have to change their slogan to "I'd rather let a filthy tramp burger me, than eat one".
> Pay footballers like the grown men kicking a ball that they are
Most people who play football in this country pay subs to play football, pro footballers should have to pay for subs. Then we'll see if those Spanish trawlers wil mess with our fish. Subs fitted with anti-whale torpedos would be grand.
> Any country that wanted to declare war, those nation's leaders should
> meet in a car-park and have a fight themselves instead of sending
> other people off to do it for them.
Political commentators would have to encircle the combatants screaming "scrap scrap!" in order to keep this proposal credible.
> Have literacy tests before leaving school, anyone failing has to
> remain until they're grasped the simple idea that you need to speak
> and spell correctly.
Yeah keep those teachers from dashing home early until they are sober enough.
> Utilise the same registration/application for having kids that you
> need for buying a dog.
That goes for the act of procreation too: if someone is going to have a dog, it should be approved before they produce another ugly muntman.
> Sterilise anybody that has ever called an actor by their character's
> name
Or even worse their character's nickname.
> All women have to shop in groups of other women, not with their men
when all men have done their shopping first, in five minutes including fitting time or a break for snacks.
> We get to declare war on France every other Sunday and all go over on
> the ferry to buy cheap fags at the same time
Use the subs that Beckham's paid for and we can avoid customs. Torpedo Channel tunnel en route.
> Shoot Jim Davidson in the face
using Cannon and Ball?
> Set fire to most towns in Essex, having removed all those able to pass
> the "How do you spell DSS?" test
and those who know their dole money isn't so called because "it ain't shiny or nuffink in it".
> I would do the following:
>
> Make Brian Blessed the Deputy PM
And staple a loud inhaler to his lips to ensure the rest of Europe know we're coming for them?
> Stop making women pay for sanitary products, they are NOT a luxury
> item.
And kill whoever thought that an advert in which a bloke mistakes a tampon for a sweet, would be funny.
> Anyone arrested for drunken fighting has to sober up and then fight a
> Polar Bear.
who has been drinking whisky since midday, whilst a ferret has been repeatedly nipping him on the balls.
> Make McDonalds an over 18 only thing, because most adults dont eat
> that swill.
I propose that they have to change their slogan to "I'd rather let a filthy tramp burger me, than eat one".
> Pay footballers like the grown men kicking a ball that they are
Most people who play football in this country pay subs to play football, pro footballers should have to pay for subs. Then we'll see if those Spanish trawlers wil mess with our fish. Subs fitted with anti-whale torpedos would be grand.
> Any country that wanted to declare war, those nation's leaders should
> meet in a car-park and have a fight themselves instead of sending
> other people off to do it for them.
Political commentators would have to encircle the combatants screaming "scrap scrap!" in order to keep this proposal credible.
> Have literacy tests before leaving school, anyone failing has to
> remain until they're grasped the simple idea that you need to speak
> and spell correctly.
Yeah keep those teachers from dashing home early until they are sober enough.
> Utilise the same registration/application for having kids that you
> need for buying a dog.
That goes for the act of procreation too: if someone is going to have a dog, it should be approved before they produce another ugly muntman.
> Sterilise anybody that has ever called an actor by their character's
> name
Or even worse their character's nickname.
> All women have to shop in groups of other women, not with their men
when all men have done their shopping first, in five minutes including fitting time or a break for snacks.
> We get to declare war on France every other Sunday and all go over on
> the ferry to buy cheap fags at the same time
Use the subs that Beckham's paid for and we can avoid customs. Torpedo Channel tunnel en route.
> Shoot Jim Davidson in the face
using Cannon and Ball?
> Set fire to most towns in Essex, having removed all those able to pass
> the "How do you spell DSS?" test
and those who know their dole money isn't so called because "it ain't shiny or nuffink in it".
I would do the following:
Make Brian Blessed the Deputy PM
Stop making women pay for sanitary products, they are NOT a luxury item.
Anyone arrested for drunken fighting has to sober up and then fight a Polar Bear.
Make McDonalds an over 18 only thing, because most adults dont eat that swill.
Pay footballers like the grown men kicking a ball that they are
Any country that wanted to declare war, those nation's leaders should meet in a car-park and have a fight themselves instead of sending other people off to do it for them.
Have literacy tests before leaving school, anyone failing has to remain until they're grasped the simple idea that you need to speak and spell correctly.
Utilise the same registration/application for having kids that you need for buying a dog.
Sterilise anybody that has ever called an actor by their character's name
All women have to shop in groups of other women, not with their men
We get to declare war on France every other Sunday and all go over on the ferry to buy cheap fags at the same time
Shoot Jim Davidson in the face
Set fire to most towns in Essex, having removed all those able to pass the "How do you spell DSS?" test
Make Brian Blessed the Deputy PM
Stop making women pay for sanitary products, they are NOT a luxury item.
Anyone arrested for drunken fighting has to sober up and then fight a Polar Bear.
Make McDonalds an over 18 only thing, because most adults dont eat that swill.
Pay footballers like the grown men kicking a ball that they are
Any country that wanted to declare war, those nation's leaders should meet in a car-park and have a fight themselves instead of sending other people off to do it for them.
Have literacy tests before leaving school, anyone failing has to remain until they're grasped the simple idea that you need to speak and spell correctly.
Utilise the same registration/application for having kids that you need for buying a dog.
Sterilise anybody that has ever called an actor by their character's name
All women have to shop in groups of other women, not with their men
We get to declare war on France every other Sunday and all go over on the ferry to buy cheap fags at the same time
Shoot Jim Davidson in the face
Set fire to most towns in Essex, having removed all those able to pass the "How do you spell DSS?" test
FantasyMeister wrote:
> If I were Prime Minister I would:
>
> Free PS2's for hospitals and schools.
So you won't be a kind leader then? Instead, forcing sick people to gauge out their very eyes for peace and quiet?
> If I were Prime Minister I would:
>
> Free PS2's for hospitals and schools.
So you won't be a kind leader then? Instead, forcing sick people to gauge out their very eyes for peace and quiet?
I'd obviously ban Whales from claiming asylum, we all know my position is clear on the subject of Leviathans. If they want plankton they can get it in their own stinking country, they can't expect the taxpayer to support their krill habits.
Then I'd implement a new working hours and pay directive, that ensures all temps will be paid a minimum of £100 an hour and only have to work 3 hour weeks but will be paid for 40 hours (I do this just in case it all goes Pete Tong).
Speaking of which I'd also make it compulsory for the police to arrest anyone on sight, who happens to be dancing to any "holiday hit" that has stupid dance moves.
Finally I would declare war on Jupiter and divert all funds into creating a supership capable of interstella space travel, which by some coincidence would be full of jacuzzis and scantily clad "palm pilots".
Then I'd implement a new working hours and pay directive, that ensures all temps will be paid a minimum of £100 an hour and only have to work 3 hour weeks but will be paid for 40 hours (I do this just in case it all goes Pete Tong).
Speaking of which I'd also make it compulsory for the police to arrest anyone on sight, who happens to be dancing to any "holiday hit" that has stupid dance moves.
Finally I would declare war on Jupiter and divert all funds into creating a supership capable of interstella space travel, which by some coincidence would be full of jacuzzis and scantily clad "palm pilots".
I'd outlaw Shoes.
See how you like smashing your bottles in the streets THEN you drunk ****s...
See how you like smashing your bottles in the streets THEN you drunk ****s...
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