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"Confusing stupid people even more."

Let's say, for arguments sake, that the average soap-opera fan is a drooling cabbage who's reaction to the show is on a level with a dog watching fireworks.

Why has nobody reacted to the increasing trend of familiar faces appearing in these wretched odes-to-stupidity?
I watched a few minutes of a couple last week and saw in Eastenders - Barbara Windsor and Shane Ritchie, and in Coronation Street is that lomping retard from Boyzone that used to race Rally Cars and point a lot in the videos.

Surely it would cause a reaction? These things are supposed to be "real-life as drama" aren't they? So why does not one character say "Hang on, you're Barbara Windsor - an aging former sexpot notorious for almost flashing her fish-belly white fatbaps in Carry-on movies"?
I'll go one further - why not have regular cameos from other-series characters purely for entertainment value? Spice these stupid programmes up for irony factor?

The A-Team in Emmerdale? Hannibal arrives and smokes a cigar, Face-Man dresses as a farmer and cons a local timber merchant out of some lumber, BA gets moody because there are no ethnic people in "T'valley" and Murdoch face-rapes a sheep.

Colombo in Eastenders:
He arrives to investigate how a former New-Romantic idol is now a lothario that bears a striking resemblance to a Kimodo Dragon.

Manimal in Neighbours:
He shows up to do some investigating in a boring plot involving "Stonefish", turns into a chicken and is savaged by Bouncer. Seeking revenge, he mutates into a Tiger and mauls Harold Bishop and then goes back in time to get that one who now makes Memento and LA Confidential.

There's enough scope to go hog-wild with cross-character japes, so why have the script writers stuck to gormless Ian Beale being thwarted in yet-another business deal or squashed-face Ricky being tricked into doing something moronic?

"and is savaged by Bouncer."

Bouncer left about a decade ago... and is surely dead by now


Though Goaty has a good point. On Neighbours the other day, Toadie said that that (fit) Nina could be the next Kylie... wait a tic, so that means Kylie exists in the "Neighbours universe", so how come they've never noticed that Sharlene (or whatever her name was) who used to live there just happens to look, sound and act like Kylie...? It's a conspiracy! A conspiracy I tells ya!

In but fifteen minutes, the battle will commence. Many will lose their lives, both good and evil. It is our job to protect Middle-Earth from this evil, at whatever cost. But first, some breakdance:

"Brrrrrrrrrickyticktick, tickytick, aiiiiiii boom tsh boom, boom tsh, shaboom, tsh boom, boom tsh..."

"Go whiteboy!"


Then Barbara Windsor's baps fly out, to the disappointment of all.

Gandalf "What do your keen eyes see, Legolas?"

Legolas "I see a big, blood thirsty pack of Trolls heading this way".

Gandalf "Beatbox boy, can you provide us with an aural realisation of the peril we are about to face"

Winslow Baggins "Arrgggggggghhhhhhh, ug, bloop! stop throwing those bl**dy trees at me, nnurrrrrrruppppp, SPLAT! THUNK! KAPOW!, where's everyone gone?"

*Meanwhile the fellowship have slipped on their Gollumax sneakers, except the Haflings who have simply inseretd a bike pump into one of the veins in their feet, pumped away and created Nike Hairs, and they all leg it*.

I thought Lord of the Rings would have benefitted from Michael Winslow.

oooOoOooOOohh
blip blip
baaaah
ssshhhhhheeeeeeoooowww
meep meep

Ultimate Soap Meld / film cameo destruction finale

After a visit from Bob Hoskins in “The Long Good Walford”, Albert Square is reduced to a blood-soaked gangland wasteland. Including that bloke in Only Fool and Horses that Razors slashed in “Good Friday” after he was dragged naked into the kitchen.
Barbara Windsor has disappeared and Gillian “He had a stomach upset” Taylforth reprises her debut from “Long Good Friday” as the woman that screams when she discovers Ricky’s hands nailed to the floor of the garage.
Meat-faced owner of Well’ard The Dog, Robbie, is menaced by Frank “Riiiiiiiiikeeeeeeee” Butcher (recovered from his former Robo-Butcher incarnation), but he’s not Frank Butcher – he’s Doug “The Head” – a Jew-obsessed diamond merchant.
Realising they need police assistance, monkey-faced Ethel ignores her Willy and places a call to Sun Hill.

The well-meaning London Police Soap stars arrive and proceed to break into houses, discover week-old dead bodies and generally lark about. Michael Winslow provides comedy sound-effects and is ticked off by former boozehound Ted Roach (from when The Bill was good), and Viv Martella returns from the grave to assist by going “Woooooooooo!” a lot and being strangely attractive despite resembling a negative print of Jimi Hendrix.
Reg Hollis turds around taking about “The Federation” and is bundled into a van by mockney villain Vinnie Jones, assisted by former convicted-murderer Leslie Grantham (taking a break from Fort Boyard).
Shane Ritchie makes poor-taste end-of-the-pier jokes until Stan Boardman turns up and starts talking about “De Geeeermans”, whereupon Jason Stretham appears and wonders why that reference in Snatch didn’t make much sense to anyone that didn’t realise his sidekick was played by a Manc.

Having failed to solve the crime in 60 mins, The Bill decide that it’s best if everyone leaves Walford for a bit and arranges to have everyone evacuated to the country.
The Eastenders all arrive in Emmerdale, looking bewildered at the presence of animals, trees and people that smile.
Suddenly a 737 from “The Airport” crashes onto The Bloodpack.
And London’s Burning turn up to rescue everyone, but they’ve all been killed. Including hilariously-camp Jeremy Spakeman.

The Predator comes out of cloaking and proceeds to hunt down small-eyed Martin Kemp, who spends the entire episode trussed up in a sack and beaten with chairs by ex-Gladiator Wolf - who can only scream "WOLF POWER!!" over and over in a PCP fuelled psychosis rage.

Ted Danson becomes the new barman in the Queen Vic and brings a Cheers style vibe to the pub. Ricky takes on the airhead Woody role, Barry is beer swilling fat guy Norm, Dr Anthony is Frasier, Big Mo is Carla and Jim is Coach.

Totoro wrote:
> We could have Michael Winslow in The Bill. He makes silly noises and
> does crazy kung fu, but keeps getting told off by his superiors for
> doing it.

---
Genius.

"The Long Good Walford"

Bob Hoskins tries to turn Albert Square into a dockside sports arena for future Olympic events but finds his empire being destroyed by slow-talking West Country Folk.
Lots of scope for sub-Guy Ritchie cockney-gangster thievery, Shane Ritchie could get fed to the pigs and "Babs" could get naked, only to be strung up in a meat-freezer and slapped about by Charlie from Casualty.

We could have Michael Winslow in The Bill. He makes silly noises and does crazy kung fu, but keeps getting told off by his superiors for doing it.

I've always wondered why none of the Eastenders characters ever talk about football?
And why don't they ever swear? For added Eastend realism every other word uttered should really be a rude one.