The "Creative Writing" forum, which includes Retro Game Reviews, has been archived and is now read-only. You cannot post here or create a new thread or review on this forum.
Please write any jokes you know in here. I'll start us off:
When the Americans went up to space for the first time they discovered that biros didn't work. So they spent 7 years and $12,000,000,000 creating a biro that would write in space.
The Russians used a pencil.
When the Americans went up to space for the first time they discovered that biros didn't work. So they spent 7 years and $12,000,000,000 creating a biro that would write in space.
The Russians used a pencil.
Page:
:P
Kiriyama wrote:
> Joke:
>
> An Englishman, a Scottsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The
> bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?" :D
Irish man: 'Tis no joke
Bartender: Sorry, its an instant reaction
English: yeh, well, gimme a beer
Bartender: ok...
*scottsman gets shot*
Bartender: my..god....that's horrible.....there is lipstip on this glass!
English: gimme a clean one then, you nutter
The end...
> Joke:
>
> An Englishman, a Scottsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The
> bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?" :D
Irish man: 'Tis no joke
Bartender: Sorry, its an instant reaction
English: yeh, well, gimme a beer
Bartender: ok...
*scottsman gets shot*
Bartender: my..god....that's horrible.....there is lipstip on this glass!
English: gimme a clean one then, you nutter
The end...
Joke:
An Englishman, a Scottsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?" :D
An Englishman, a Scottsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?" :D
Captain Murphy and his Co-Pilot Paddy were coming into land on a new runway built at Dublin airport. Captain Murphy looks out the front of his plane, and cries "Christ Paddy, wil yer look at dat. Is dat not teh shortest ronway you ever did see?"
Paddy looks. "Christ Captain, it sure is dat"
So Captain Murphy devises a plan. "Roight den Paddy, when oi give teh signal, you raise the flaps as hoigh as tehy'll go."
Paddy replies "Roight den Captain, I'll be doin tat"
"And when you're done raising tehm flaps Paddy, stamp on tehm brakes are hard as you can"
"Roight den Captain, I'll be doin tat"
"And when you're done pressing tehm brakes Paddy, I want you to pray to mother Mary with all your soul"
"Roight den Captain, I'll be doin tat"
So the plane comes into land, Captain Murphy gives the signal and Paddy lifts the flaps as high they'll go, stamps on the brakes as hard as he can and prays to mother Mary with all his soul. The plane screeches and contorts and with less than a metre of tarmac spare, finally judders to a halt. But the passengers are safe. Murphy looks out the front of his cockpit again.
"Jesus Paddy, that really was the shortest ronway oi've ever seen"
Paddy looks out the side.
"Aye Captain, and the fooking widest"
Paddy looks. "Christ Captain, it sure is dat"
So Captain Murphy devises a plan. "Roight den Paddy, when oi give teh signal, you raise the flaps as hoigh as tehy'll go."
Paddy replies "Roight den Captain, I'll be doin tat"
"And when you're done raising tehm flaps Paddy, stamp on tehm brakes are hard as you can"
"Roight den Captain, I'll be doin tat"
"And when you're done pressing tehm brakes Paddy, I want you to pray to mother Mary with all your soul"
"Roight den Captain, I'll be doin tat"
So the plane comes into land, Captain Murphy gives the signal and Paddy lifts the flaps as high they'll go, stamps on the brakes as hard as he can and prays to mother Mary with all his soul. The plane screeches and contorts and with less than a metre of tarmac spare, finally judders to a halt. But the passengers are safe. Murphy looks out the front of his cockpit again.
"Jesus Paddy, that really was the shortest ronway oi've ever seen"
Paddy looks out the side.
"Aye Captain, and the fooking widest"
How do you make an Irishman burn his ear?
-
Phone him up when he's ironing
Why did the condom fly across the room?
-
It got pi**ed off
What has 8 legs and a big black c*nt?
-
The A-Team
What's blue, 12 inches long and makes women scream?
-
Cot death
What's blue and fooks Grannies?
-
Hypothermia
Flight 254 was destined to crash, and all on board knew it. A woman passenger stands up, takes off her shirt and proclaims "who here can make me feel like a woman before I die?"
A man in another row stands up, takes of his shirt and says "Here love, iron this"
A man stumbles, lost and alone, through the Chinese wilderness, when he sees a house. It appears run-down, but there is smoke billowing from the chimney, so the man figures there must be someone at home. Desperate, he knocks on the door. An old man, dressed in the traditional garb of a chinese monk, answers.
"Old man!", cries the lost man. "Please help me! I've been wandering, lost and alone for three whole weeks! Please give me food and shelter for the night!"
The old man looks stern, but he acquiesces. "I will give you food and shelter for night, but on one condition: you must not 'meddle' with my daughter. Should you break this condition, you will receive three worst Chinese tortures!"
"Of course!" cries the lost man. "I'll be as good as gold, I promise I'll be out of your way in the morning." The Monk accepts, and shows the lost man where he can clean himself up. After this, the man sits down at the table, where dinner is being served.
This is where the Monks daughter walks in. She's a stunner! The lost man can't keep his eyes off her, and she, being stuck around old men all her life, can't stay away from him either. Despite the warning from the old man, who retires early for the night, the lost man follows the girl up to her room, where he does the business. Going to the guest room afterwards, he feels pretty pleased with his days work.
The next morning, the man awakes with a huge rock on his chest. On it is a small sign, which reads "Chinese torture #1: 100lb rock on chest". Now, 100lb is not all that much, and with a bit of grunting the man is able to heave it to the window, which he drops the rock out of. Watching it fall the two-or-so storeys to the ground, he notices another sign on the back of the rock.
"Chinese torture #2: rock tied to right testicle"
In a panic, the man tries to think what to do. With less than a second before the string goes taught, he does the only thing he can: he jumps out of the Window. The fall will hurt, but at least he will be able to have kids in the future. Bracing himself for impact, he passes a first floor window. On it is a sign.
"Chinese torture #3: left testicle tied to bedpost"
-
Phone him up when he's ironing
Why did the condom fly across the room?
-
It got pi**ed off
What has 8 legs and a big black c*nt?
-
The A-Team
What's blue, 12 inches long and makes women scream?
-
Cot death
What's blue and fooks Grannies?
-
Hypothermia
Flight 254 was destined to crash, and all on board knew it. A woman passenger stands up, takes off her shirt and proclaims "who here can make me feel like a woman before I die?"
A man in another row stands up, takes of his shirt and says "Here love, iron this"
A man stumbles, lost and alone, through the Chinese wilderness, when he sees a house. It appears run-down, but there is smoke billowing from the chimney, so the man figures there must be someone at home. Desperate, he knocks on the door. An old man, dressed in the traditional garb of a chinese monk, answers.
"Old man!", cries the lost man. "Please help me! I've been wandering, lost and alone for three whole weeks! Please give me food and shelter for the night!"
The old man looks stern, but he acquiesces. "I will give you food and shelter for night, but on one condition: you must not 'meddle' with my daughter. Should you break this condition, you will receive three worst Chinese tortures!"
"Of course!" cries the lost man. "I'll be as good as gold, I promise I'll be out of your way in the morning." The Monk accepts, and shows the lost man where he can clean himself up. After this, the man sits down at the table, where dinner is being served.
This is where the Monks daughter walks in. She's a stunner! The lost man can't keep his eyes off her, and she, being stuck around old men all her life, can't stay away from him either. Despite the warning from the old man, who retires early for the night, the lost man follows the girl up to her room, where he does the business. Going to the guest room afterwards, he feels pretty pleased with his days work.
The next morning, the man awakes with a huge rock on his chest. On it is a small sign, which reads "Chinese torture #1: 100lb rock on chest". Now, 100lb is not all that much, and with a bit of grunting the man is able to heave it to the window, which he drops the rock out of. Watching it fall the two-or-so storeys to the ground, he notices another sign on the back of the rock.
"Chinese torture #2: rock tied to right testicle"
In a panic, the man tries to think what to do. With less than a second before the string goes taught, he does the only thing he can: he jumps out of the Window. The fall will hurt, but at least he will be able to have kids in the future. Bracing himself for impact, he passes a first floor window. On it is a sign.
"Chinese torture #3: left testicle tied to bedpost"
paddy n murphy walking down the street. paddy falls down a manhole.
murphy : "you alright mate?".
paddy : "yeah I'm ok, but how do I get out of here?"
murphy : "I tell you what, I've got a torch here, I'll switch it on, shine it down there, and you can climb up the beam!"
paddy : "Don't be f***in stupid!!!! I'll get halfway up and you'll switch it off"
murphy : "you alright mate?".
paddy : "yeah I'm ok, but how do I get out of here?"
murphy : "I tell you what, I've got a torch here, I'll switch it on, shine it down there, and you can climb up the beam!"
paddy : "Don't be f***in stupid!!!! I'll get halfway up and you'll switch it off"
A dietician and a binman meet on a blind date.
To break the ice the dietician asks her date about his work. He mumbles something about refuse collection.
"What a coincedence" she replies "I'm in waist management"
To break the ice the dietician asks her date about his work. He mumbles something about refuse collection.
"What a coincedence" she replies "I'm in waist management"
If you love it set it free. If it comes back its your.
But if it just sits in the living room, makes a mess, eats your food, runs up a big phone bill, takes your money and doesn't reappear to realise you gave it freedom, then you either married it of gave birth to it.
But if it just sits in the living room, makes a mess, eats your food, runs up a big phone bill, takes your money and doesn't reappear to realise you gave it freedom, then you either married it of gave birth to it.
all blonde jokes here, dunno why
1)how do you get a one armed blonde who is hanging in a tree down????????
answer - wave
2)Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
answer - They're too hard to retrain.
3)How do you know when a blonde has used your computer?
answer - There's white-out all over the screen.
4)Why did the blonde freeze to death at the drive in movie?
answer - She went to see CLOSED FOR THE SEASON.
5)Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes?
answer - To remind her that "toes go in first."
6)Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some
tracks. The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks."
The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!" They
argued for quite a while. In fact, they were still arguing when
the train hit them.
7)A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette
said, "Oh, look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
8)What's the Blonde's cheer?
" I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
9)What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
answer - They're both empty from the neck up.
10)How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
answer - Shine a flashlight in their ear.
1)how do you get a one armed blonde who is hanging in a tree down????????
answer - wave
2)Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
answer - They're too hard to retrain.
3)How do you know when a blonde has used your computer?
answer - There's white-out all over the screen.
4)Why did the blonde freeze to death at the drive in movie?
answer - She went to see CLOSED FOR THE SEASON.
5)Why did the blonde write "TGIF" on her shoes?
answer - To remind her that "toes go in first."
6)Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some
tracks. The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks."
The other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks!" They
argued for quite a while. In fact, they were still arguing when
the train hit them.
7)A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette
said, "Oh, look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
8)What's the Blonde's cheer?
" I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
9)What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
answer - They're both empty from the neck up.
10)How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
answer - Shine a flashlight in their ear.
For sale: French rifle
Never used, dropped twice.
Never used, dropped twice.
Page: