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"The Patronising Newbie Guide"

The Patronising Newbie Guide



First things first newbies, go and look up the word ‘patronising’.


Done that? Good.


Now then, lets get started shall we. First off you should probably have realised that you have just entered an internet chat site, before you attempt anything you should consider the following things:

~ Can I write properly?
~ Do I have an awareness of punctuation and grammar?
~ Am I an idiot?

Now think over your responses, not too hard mind, I don’t want you to cause yourself permanent damage. These are important questions, all of your communication will be done through writing, and if other people can’t stand to read your writing then you won’t be able to communicate.

The next thing you should notice is the word ‘forums’. This is called a plural, it means there is more than one of something, in this case, more than one forum. That’s right, FoG chat is not the only forum. The next step is slightly more complicated, so make sure you have this guide on hand to refer to. If you read the list of forums, you will see many different types. A forum about Nintendo, a forum about the Playstation, the X-box, sports etc. Now *carefully* think about your post. Do you have something to say about Halo? Lets look at this logical thought chain:

My post > subject > Halo > X-box game > X-box forum

Yes, it really is that easy, not as daunting as you first thought eh? You see, FoG Chat may get the most visitors, but not many of them will be willing to talk about an X-box game, especially the people who do not own an X-box. Whereas in the X-box forum, everyone is willing to talk about X-box games.

Keep this in mind when posting a topic.


***STOP***
You may now be getting a headache. I understand this is a lot for your brains to take in at once, and so I advise you take a quick rest now. Maybe you could go and try and operate the microwave for five minutes, or see how far you can spit up a wall.


Another important question; Am I an idiot? You must ask yourself this question before attempting to write any sort of post. If you come to the conclusion that you are an idiot, leave now, if your not, your welcome to stay. In fact, if you understood what the word ‘conclusion’ actually meant and managed to come to one, your probably not an idiot. If you didn’t understand the previous two sentences, or indeed the word ‘previous’, then you are an idiot, kindly get lost.

Another important thing to avoid is ‘text talk’. This is generally frowned upon, although will be tolerated in small doses. The reasons for this is that it makes you look like an illiterate moron, and your writing will be hard to read, so many people won’t bother.

For those of you who did not understand what I have just said:

Anthr mprtnt thng to avd is ‘txt tlk’. Ths is gnrlly frwnd upn, althgh wll be tolratd in smll dses. The rasns for ths is tht it maks u lok lik an illteat mron, n ur wrting wll be hard to red, so mny ppl won’t bothr.


The next issue we will look at is fanboys, I’ll keep it brief so there is a remote chance your brain will actually remember it. A fanboy is someone who loves one console/company and will not allow anything bad to be said about them. They generally spam, and visit forums of other consoles/companies just to tell them that their console/company is crap. If you are one of these people, get lost. Remember, there is a difference between arguing and fanboyism.


Spam. No, not the type you spend hours flinging against the wall above your bed, but stupid, pointless, annoying messages. This includes writing seven or so post in one hour, comprising of about two lines of rubbish. We don’t want to know about your favourite type of seed, or what you did on the farm.

So there you have, these are the most important things to avoid when first joining the forums. You’ll never be able to get away with and form of spam and crap until you’re a respected regular (Mystique for example) or a Notable (Sheepy).

Woohoo! List of death!

And out of morbid curiosity, why?


BEARDS. wrote:
> A good week lurking to get the vibe of the regulars, and everything
> should be fine. Unless you have the IQ of a sponge.

Yep, thats what I do when I first join a forum.

BEARDS. wrote:
> The newbie experience can be much softened for the newbie by
> application of one simple idea.
>
> Lurking.
>
> A good week lurking to get the vibe of the regulars, and everything
> should be fine. Unless you have the IQ of a sponge.

Check out my stats - I've been lurking for over 130 days :)

gerrid wrote:
> I just thought I'd remind you. Just incase you decide to start having
> a go at people for being younger than you again.

I just thought I'd remind you that you and your buddy Cubist lost the last bout, and ran off in a sulk after being made fools of, care for another round? ;)

Whitestripes wrote:
> Congratulations Pointless Babble, your the winner of the 'Spot My
> Deliberate Mistakes' competition.

Yep, that's why it took you a whole day to think the response up. ;)
Ouch... you woz busted. :(

Pointless Babble wrote:
>****
> Whitestripes wrote:
> Congratulations Pointless Babble, your the winner of the 'Spot My
> Deliberate Mistakes' competition.
> ****
> Yep, that's why it took you a whole day to think the response up. ;)
> Ouch... you woz busted. :(

Nah, there were other mistakes, and the competition was open for 24 hours or so, so everyone had the chance to enter.

In which case...

*Extends hand*

I'd like to claim my prize. :P

Booooooooooooooooooooring.

Yes he is.
"we're the women"

Pointless Babble wrote:
> In which case...
>
> *Extends hand*
>
> I'd like to claim my prize. :P

Right, give me your address and i'll put the helper monkey in the mail.

List of Death

awww...I think someone else wants a helper monkey now don't they :)