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The Patronising Newbie Guide
First things first newbies, go and look up the word ‘patronising’.
Done that? Good.
Now then, lets get started shall we. First off you should probably have realised that you have just entered an internet chat site, before you attempt anything you should consider the following things:
~ Can I write properly?
~ Do I have an awareness of punctuation and grammar?
~ Am I an idiot?
Now think over your responses, not too hard mind, I don’t want you to cause yourself permanent damage. These are important questions, all of your communication will be done through writing, and if other people can’t stand to read your writing then you won’t be able to communicate.
The next thing you should notice is the word ‘forums’. This is called a plural, it means there is more than one of something, in this case, more than one forum. That’s right, FoG chat is not the only forum. The next step is slightly more complicated, so make sure you have this guide on hand to refer to. If you read the list of forums, you will see many different types. A forum about Nintendo, a forum about the Playstation, the X-box, sports etc. Now *carefully* think about your post. Do you have something to say about Halo? Lets look at this logical thought chain:
My post > subject > Halo > X-box game > X-box forum
Yes, it really is that easy, not as daunting as you first thought eh? You see, FoG Chat may get the most visitors, but not many of them will be willing to talk about an X-box game, especially the people who do not own an X-box. Whereas in the X-box forum, everyone is willing to talk about X-box games.
Keep this in mind when posting a topic.
***STOP***
You may now be getting a headache. I understand this is a lot for your brains to take in at once, and so I advise you take a quick rest now. Maybe you could go and try and operate the microwave for five minutes, or see how far you can spit up a wall.
Another important question; Am I an idiot? You must ask yourself this question before attempting to write any sort of post. If you come to the conclusion that you are an idiot, leave now, if your not, your welcome to stay. In fact, if you understood what the word ‘conclusion’ actually meant and managed to come to one, your probably not an idiot. If you didn’t understand the previous two sentences, or indeed the word ‘previous’, then you are an idiot, kindly get lost.
Another important thing to avoid is ‘text talk’. This is generally frowned upon, although will be tolerated in small doses. The reasons for this is that it makes you look like an illiterate moron, and your writing will be hard to read, so many people won’t bother.
For those of you who did not understand what I have just said:
Anthr mprtnt thng to avd is ‘txt tlk’. Ths is gnrlly frwnd upn, althgh wll be tolratd in smll dses. The rasns for ths is tht it maks u lok lik an illteat mron, n ur wrting wll be hard to red, so mny ppl won’t bothr.
The next issue we will look at is fanboys, I’ll keep it brief so there is a remote chance your brain will actually remember it. A fanboy is someone who loves one console/company and will not allow anything bad to be said about them. They generally spam, and visit forums of other consoles/companies just to tell them that their console/company is crap. If you are one of these people, get lost. Remember, there is a difference between arguing and fanboyism.
Spam. No, not the type you spend hours flinging against the wall above your bed, but stupid, pointless, annoying messages. This includes writing seven or so post in one hour, comprising of about two lines of rubbish. We don’t want to know about your favourite type of seed, or what you did on the farm.
So there you have, these are the most important things to avoid when first joining the forums. You’ll never be able to get away with and form of spam and crap until you’re a respected regular (Mystique for example) or a Notable (Sheepy).
First things first newbies, go and look up the word ‘patronising’.
Done that? Good.
Now then, lets get started shall we. First off you should probably have realised that you have just entered an internet chat site, before you attempt anything you should consider the following things:
~ Can I write properly?
~ Do I have an awareness of punctuation and grammar?
~ Am I an idiot?
Now think over your responses, not too hard mind, I don’t want you to cause yourself permanent damage. These are important questions, all of your communication will be done through writing, and if other people can’t stand to read your writing then you won’t be able to communicate.
The next thing you should notice is the word ‘forums’. This is called a plural, it means there is more than one of something, in this case, more than one forum. That’s right, FoG chat is not the only forum. The next step is slightly more complicated, so make sure you have this guide on hand to refer to. If you read the list of forums, you will see many different types. A forum about Nintendo, a forum about the Playstation, the X-box, sports etc. Now *carefully* think about your post. Do you have something to say about Halo? Lets look at this logical thought chain:
My post > subject > Halo > X-box game > X-box forum
Yes, it really is that easy, not as daunting as you first thought eh? You see, FoG Chat may get the most visitors, but not many of them will be willing to talk about an X-box game, especially the people who do not own an X-box. Whereas in the X-box forum, everyone is willing to talk about X-box games.
Keep this in mind when posting a topic.
***STOP***
You may now be getting a headache. I understand this is a lot for your brains to take in at once, and so I advise you take a quick rest now. Maybe you could go and try and operate the microwave for five minutes, or see how far you can spit up a wall.
Another important question; Am I an idiot? You must ask yourself this question before attempting to write any sort of post. If you come to the conclusion that you are an idiot, leave now, if your not, your welcome to stay. In fact, if you understood what the word ‘conclusion’ actually meant and managed to come to one, your probably not an idiot. If you didn’t understand the previous two sentences, or indeed the word ‘previous’, then you are an idiot, kindly get lost.
Another important thing to avoid is ‘text talk’. This is generally frowned upon, although will be tolerated in small doses. The reasons for this is that it makes you look like an illiterate moron, and your writing will be hard to read, so many people won’t bother.
For those of you who did not understand what I have just said:
Anthr mprtnt thng to avd is ‘txt tlk’. Ths is gnrlly frwnd upn, althgh wll be tolratd in smll dses. The rasns for ths is tht it maks u lok lik an illteat mron, n ur wrting wll be hard to red, so mny ppl won’t bothr.
The next issue we will look at is fanboys, I’ll keep it brief so there is a remote chance your brain will actually remember it. A fanboy is someone who loves one console/company and will not allow anything bad to be said about them. They generally spam, and visit forums of other consoles/companies just to tell them that their console/company is crap. If you are one of these people, get lost. Remember, there is a difference between arguing and fanboyism.
Spam. No, not the type you spend hours flinging against the wall above your bed, but stupid, pointless, annoying messages. This includes writing seven or so post in one hour, comprising of about two lines of rubbish. We don’t want to know about your favourite type of seed, or what you did on the farm.
So there you have, these are the most important things to avoid when first joining the forums. You’ll never be able to get away with and form of spam and crap until you’re a respected regular (Mystique for example) or a Notable (Sheepy).
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Belldandy wrote:
> Bazzman wrote:
> I spelt it wrong because, he probably spelt wrong himself and not
> paying much attention to his name types it in a burst of impulse.
> Secondly I have nothing against newbies. What I do hold something
> against are people who spam utter rubbish into the forums, for
> example
> the chief fella.
>
> You've done 4 topics in just one day all aimed at newbies and this
> master chief guy, if that isn't utter rubbish I don't know what is.
>
> ~~Belldandy~~
No I havn't.. I did 2 max.
> Bazzman wrote:
> I spelt it wrong because, he probably spelt wrong himself and not
> paying much attention to his name types it in a burst of impulse.
> Secondly I have nothing against newbies. What I do hold something
> against are people who spam utter rubbish into the forums, for
> example
> the chief fella.
>
> You've done 4 topics in just one day all aimed at newbies and this
> master chief guy, if that isn't utter rubbish I don't know what is.
>
> ~~Belldandy~~
No I havn't.. I did 2 max.
Belldandy wrote:
>
> You've done 4 topics in just one day all aimed at newbies and this
> master chief guy, if that isn't utter rubbish I don't know what is.
>
> ~~Belldandy~~
The 10+ topics started by Master Chief?
I think thats more rubbish if you ask me.
>
> You've done 4 topics in just one day all aimed at newbies and this
> master chief guy, if that isn't utter rubbish I don't know what is.
>
> ~~Belldandy~~
The 10+ topics started by Master Chief?
I think thats more rubbish if you ask me.
Belldandy wrote:
> 3* When the whole point of your reply is to say someone spelt their
> user name wrong it is best not to spell the name wrong yourself, you
> look stupid.
This isn't an exam, is it?
Why do you jump on people so much Belldandy?
Bit angry are we?
> 3* When the whole point of your reply is to say someone spelt their
> user name wrong it is best not to spell the name wrong yourself, you
> look stupid.
This isn't an exam, is it?
Why do you jump on people so much Belldandy?
Bit angry are we?
Can we keep the seriousness out of here please? This was just a spoof and it's becoming an argument.
Whitestripes wrote:
> Can we keep the seriousness out of here please? This was just a spoof
> and it's becoming an argument.
indeed. you got msn whitestripes
> Can we keep the seriousness out of here please? This was just a spoof
> and it's becoming an argument.
indeed. you got msn whitestripes
Whitestripes wrote:
> ~ Can I write properly?
> ~ Do I have an awareness of punctuation and grammar?
> if your not, your welcome to stay.
Yep... excellent criteria, "your" a real luminary, anyone ever tell you that? ;)
> I’ll keep it brief so there is a remote chance your brain will actually
> remember it.
I'd like to commend you on the fluidity of "you're" sentences too, and "you're" excellent choice in "brain will actually remember it"... so much more effective than something stupid like "brain might actually register it". Genius, inspired, fantastic. ;)
> This is called a plural
> This includes writing seven or so post in one hour
> comprising of about two lines of rubbish.
*Applauds*
This man is fast becoming one of my favourite authors. Note his astounding grasp over the definition of "plural", and another instance of his superb choice of wording, where he uses "comprising of about two lines of rubbish" instead of the inferior "comprised of two lines of rubbish". Literary masterpiece, it is. ;)
> You’ll never be able to get away with and form of spam
ENCORE! ENCORE! :D
*Looks up the word conclusion in the dictionary*
Well, it's my "conclusion" (See White, I'm learning from your words of wisdom! :D), that this post is definately worthy of winning GAD! Infact, there isn't a better candidate! It's funny, original, well written, and the author is obviously extremely educated... the whole "choosing a winner" process is obviously just a formality. You've won of sure, White.
Author's Note:
Sar'casm, n. [late L., from Gk. sarkazein, to tear the flesh (sarx,flesh)], a bitter remark of scorn or contempt.--as., sarcas'tic and sarcas'tical, containing sarcasm; bitter.--adv., sarcas'tically.
*Is quite obviously bitter and holds Whitestripes in contempt due to his superior knowledge of the English language*
... oh dear, there I go again:
Sar'casm, n. [late L., from Gk. sarkazein, to tear the flesh (sarx,flesh)], a bitter remark of scorn or contempt.--as., sarcas'tic and sarcas'tical, containing sarcasm; bitter.--adv., sarcas'tically.
> ~ Can I write properly?
> ~ Do I have an awareness of punctuation and grammar?
> if your not, your welcome to stay.
Yep... excellent criteria, "your" a real luminary, anyone ever tell you that? ;)
> I’ll keep it brief so there is a remote chance your brain will actually
> remember it.
I'd like to commend you on the fluidity of "you're" sentences too, and "you're" excellent choice in "brain will actually remember it"... so much more effective than something stupid like "brain might actually register it". Genius, inspired, fantastic. ;)
> This is called a plural
> This includes writing seven or so post in one hour
> comprising of about two lines of rubbish.
*Applauds*
This man is fast becoming one of my favourite authors. Note his astounding grasp over the definition of "plural", and another instance of his superb choice of wording, where he uses "comprising of about two lines of rubbish" instead of the inferior "comprised of two lines of rubbish". Literary masterpiece, it is. ;)
> You’ll never be able to get away with and form of spam
ENCORE! ENCORE! :D
*Looks up the word conclusion in the dictionary*
Well, it's my "conclusion" (See White, I'm learning from your words of wisdom! :D), that this post is definately worthy of winning GAD! Infact, there isn't a better candidate! It's funny, original, well written, and the author is obviously extremely educated... the whole "choosing a winner" process is obviously just a formality. You've won of sure, White.
Author's Note:
Sar'casm, n. [late L., from Gk. sarkazein, to tear the flesh (sarx,flesh)], a bitter remark of scorn or contempt.--as., sarcas'tic and sarcas'tical, containing sarcasm; bitter.--adv., sarcas'tically.
*Is quite obviously bitter and holds Whitestripes in contempt due to his superior knowledge of the English language*
... oh dear, there I go again:
Sar'casm, n. [late L., from Gk. sarkazein, to tear the flesh (sarx,flesh)], a bitter remark of scorn or contempt.--as., sarcas'tic and sarcas'tical, containing sarcasm; bitter.--adv., sarcas'tically.
It's not about writing perfectly, it's about writing legible stuff that people want to read.
The Almighty wrote:
> This isn't an exam, is it?
If the aim of your post is to point out faults in another person's spelling then it is a good idea to make your own post free of the same faults you are criticising.
> Why do you jump on people so much Belldandy?
Because I am sick of seeing endless whining/moaning by some people, and of the way in which a lot of people verbally attack every newbie who dares to actually post something. And if you are going to consider it "jumping" every time someone really disagrees with a topic on here then I suggest you're in for a shock - 'cause it happens a lot.
> Bit angry are we?
Nope, just bored at the time waiting for Delta Force Black Hawk Down demo to download. Idiots aren't worth getting angry over.
~~Belldandy~~
> This isn't an exam, is it?
If the aim of your post is to point out faults in another person's spelling then it is a good idea to make your own post free of the same faults you are criticising.
> Why do you jump on people so much Belldandy?
Because I am sick of seeing endless whining/moaning by some people, and of the way in which a lot of people verbally attack every newbie who dares to actually post something. And if you are going to consider it "jumping" every time someone really disagrees with a topic on here then I suggest you're in for a shock - 'cause it happens a lot.
> Bit angry are we?
Nope, just bored at the time waiting for Delta Force Black Hawk Down demo to download. Idiots aren't worth getting angry over.
~~Belldandy~~
PATRONISING NEWBIES!?
*Enters Jessie Spanno mode*
THAT IS SO WRONG! SO IMMORAL! SO ILLEGAL!
*Ahem*
I haven't had any scrutiny from anyone yet, or it the fact that I've only been here a day? Or is it that I haven't written a topic yet? Ah well, I guess I'll find out soon enough, as I'm preparing a topic as we speak to post soon. I don't see why newbies would be picked on though? Is it just because we're new fish to the forums or what? YOU TELL ME!
*Runs at the hint of a bunch of angry Regulars running after him after that comment*
*Enters Jessie Spanno mode*
THAT IS SO WRONG! SO IMMORAL! SO ILLEGAL!
*Ahem*
I haven't had any scrutiny from anyone yet, or it the fact that I've only been here a day? Or is it that I haven't written a topic yet? Ah well, I guess I'll find out soon enough, as I'm preparing a topic as we speak to post soon. I don't see why newbies would be picked on though? Is it just because we're new fish to the forums or what? YOU TELL ME!
*Runs at the hint of a bunch of angry Regulars running after him after that comment*
Whitestripes wrote:
> It's not about writing perfectly
Could've fooled me. ;)
> ~ Can I write properly?
> ~ Do I have an awareness of punctuation and grammar?
> ~ Am I an idiot?
Seymoure Flux wrote:
> I don't see why newbies would be picked on though?
Exactly. But give it a day and you'll soon see otherwise. ;)
> It's not about writing perfectly
Could've fooled me. ;)
> ~ Can I write properly?
> ~ Do I have an awareness of punctuation and grammar?
> ~ Am I an idiot?
Seymoure Flux wrote:
> I don't see why newbies would be picked on though?
Exactly. But give it a day and you'll soon see otherwise. ;)
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