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... well, one thing anyway.
I believe it's grix who's mentioned in the forums how whenever someone is talking about something he has no interest in, he'll tell them directly and walk away. (Sorry if it's not grix, but i think it was).
Always seemed like a good idea, especially when considering the argument that it's more rude to sit there paying them no real attention while they talk.
But i had a couple of golden opportunities to do it again this weekend, and, as always, let them slip by. That got me thinking. And hence the topic was started.
Sitting at home, my mum's talking about her day, which i can live with, i do care a bit about it.
But them she starts rambling about what she had for lunch.
In my head: "I don't care about what kind of mayonnaise you had with your prawn and rocket salad sandwich on granary bread, dammit. Ohh, what's that out of the window.."
But as my eyes turn to the two pigeons squaring up to each other, i continue to nod and smile politely.
Next day, i'm eating lunch, and she's talking about a great aunt who nobody's seen for about 4 years (we don't have a very close extended family). She's going on and on about her, i've had no contact with her for over a decade, when she'd have been at some rare family gathering event. Being completely honest, i don't really care.. at all. No more than i do about anyone else i really don't know.
But i sat there and listened.. well, 'listened', for about 20 minutes, until she started to go into too much detail about the old woman's 'bowl problems' (like i said, i was eating).
With my friends, close friends at least, it'd be different, i could just tell them i didn't care. But not with most people.
So i'm putting on an act, pretending to listen. I'm basically lying to them, and being more disrespectful (although they don't know it) by paying no attention than i would be if i were honest with them.
But i can't just tell them.
I think it's the same kind of thing as when you think that pretty girl just smiled at you, but you don't have the nuts to go speak to her,m or do anything about it. The result is different (miss out on a shot at a couple of months of sex, as opposed to everyone thinking you're a jerk) - but i think the cause is the same - you've withdrawn behind a facade of how you think you should be, or how your fear makes you, instead of just being true to yourself (that oft mentioned 'inner voice', if you will).
So right now, i think maybe if i'm going to really live as i want to, up front and honestly, i need to stop pretending on this (amongst other things). But i still don't think i can tell my mum that i don't care about her lunch or relative.
Even if the whole 'is the voice any more sacred than any other influence, or is it just one of many equal or uncomparable factors that contribute to who you are' thing comes into play, i still think i'd need to stop the pretending to live true to myself.
But right now, i think it has to be balanced against the need not to offend everyone, and know i'll struggle to beat the 'fear' that holds me back from these things sometimes.
Opinions?
I believe it's grix who's mentioned in the forums how whenever someone is talking about something he has no interest in, he'll tell them directly and walk away. (Sorry if it's not grix, but i think it was).
Always seemed like a good idea, especially when considering the argument that it's more rude to sit there paying them no real attention while they talk.
But i had a couple of golden opportunities to do it again this weekend, and, as always, let them slip by. That got me thinking. And hence the topic was started.
Sitting at home, my mum's talking about her day, which i can live with, i do care a bit about it.
But them she starts rambling about what she had for lunch.
In my head: "I don't care about what kind of mayonnaise you had with your prawn and rocket salad sandwich on granary bread, dammit. Ohh, what's that out of the window.."
But as my eyes turn to the two pigeons squaring up to each other, i continue to nod and smile politely.
Next day, i'm eating lunch, and she's talking about a great aunt who nobody's seen for about 4 years (we don't have a very close extended family). She's going on and on about her, i've had no contact with her for over a decade, when she'd have been at some rare family gathering event. Being completely honest, i don't really care.. at all. No more than i do about anyone else i really don't know.
But i sat there and listened.. well, 'listened', for about 20 minutes, until she started to go into too much detail about the old woman's 'bowl problems' (like i said, i was eating).
With my friends, close friends at least, it'd be different, i could just tell them i didn't care. But not with most people.
So i'm putting on an act, pretending to listen. I'm basically lying to them, and being more disrespectful (although they don't know it) by paying no attention than i would be if i were honest with them.
But i can't just tell them.
I think it's the same kind of thing as when you think that pretty girl just smiled at you, but you don't have the nuts to go speak to her,m or do anything about it. The result is different (miss out on a shot at a couple of months of sex, as opposed to everyone thinking you're a jerk) - but i think the cause is the same - you've withdrawn behind a facade of how you think you should be, or how your fear makes you, instead of just being true to yourself (that oft mentioned 'inner voice', if you will).
So right now, i think maybe if i'm going to really live as i want to, up front and honestly, i need to stop pretending on this (amongst other things). But i still don't think i can tell my mum that i don't care about her lunch or relative.
Even if the whole 'is the voice any more sacred than any other influence, or is it just one of many equal or uncomparable factors that contribute to who you are' thing comes into play, i still think i'd need to stop the pretending to live true to myself.
But right now, i think it has to be balanced against the need not to offend everyone, and know i'll struggle to beat the 'fear' that holds me back from these things sometimes.
Opinions?
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Sure, fair enough.
But wouldn't turn down other women, or actively try to get one?
But wouldn't turn down other women, or actively try to get one?
Dr Duck, in reply to what you said earlier...
I know what you mean, but the thing is, she never actually treated me badly. She politely turned me down, and yeah, it broke my heart, but it's not her fault. And I can't ignore her, because I see her whenever I go over to her relatives. And to be honest, I don't want to, because there's no reason to. I feel pretty lucky just to be her friend, and she's never said anything to hurt me, ever. Everyone else (for instance, her siblings) think that we're great together, and although I'm obviously not gonna turn down other women that I like, I'm gonna keep hoping as well if you know what I mean. {:)
I know what you mean, but the thing is, she never actually treated me badly. She politely turned me down, and yeah, it broke my heart, but it's not her fault. And I can't ignore her, because I see her whenever I go over to her relatives. And to be honest, I don't want to, because there's no reason to. I feel pretty lucky just to be her friend, and she's never said anything to hurt me, ever. Everyone else (for instance, her siblings) think that we're great together, and although I'm obviously not gonna turn down other women that I like, I'm gonna keep hoping as well if you know what I mean. {:)
Ant wrote:
> Oh yeah, and of all the bad luck he caught ME.
Windows is infectious? :)
Anyway, i would listen to anybody really. They may be boring me or whatever but i would just feel it was too rude to tell them so and walk away. I especially wouldnt do it to family and friends (close friends anyway) as they have listened to my crap, so i feel obliged to listen to theirs.
> Oh yeah, and of all the bad luck he caught ME.
Windows is infectious? :)
Anyway, i would listen to anybody really. They may be boring me or whatever but i would just feel it was too rude to tell them so and walk away. I especially wouldnt do it to family and friends (close friends anyway) as they have listened to my crap, so i feel obliged to listen to theirs.
Lately I've been more honest so to speak with my friends and family, If I'm not particulary interested in what's going on I say something (but in a polite manner obviously) but the again if the person who is telling me whatever is really determined to tell you or is speaking with a passion and has to tell you then I would listen, I would think that's just being polite/nice.
As with friends you don't particulary like but have taken a warming to you, yeah I have that, I just let them get on with it, telling them to shut the fook up would just cause grief and is it really worth it? It isn't all the time as they can't be that bad but if they're constantly annoying, two faced, trouble, get shot of them, they'll realise what there like soon enough and come back better people.
I sometimes try to think of things in reverse, if I was boring someone with a story that I was really interested in (never happens I'm too witty for that:)) whatever it may be, would they tell you to shut it? It's up to you what you do though, it's generally your person, mostly I let people get on with it or direct the conversation elsewhere.
As with friends you don't particulary like but have taken a warming to you, yeah I have that, I just let them get on with it, telling them to shut the fook up would just cause grief and is it really worth it? It isn't all the time as they can't be that bad but if they're constantly annoying, two faced, trouble, get shot of them, they'll realise what there like soon enough and come back better people.
I sometimes try to think of things in reverse, if I was boring someone with a story that I was really interested in (never happens I'm too witty for that:)) whatever it may be, would they tell you to shut it? It's up to you what you do though, it's generally your person, mostly I let people get on with it or direct the conversation elsewhere.
its hard to strike a balance between saying what you think, and being polite. It obviously depends on how easily the person is offended, and therefore how well you know them. Surely with close relatives and friends you can tell them to "shut the f... up" occasionally , and they'll understand perfectly.....
Heh, to me, saying you're not interested in a conversation is very honest, if a little foolish.
Personally, I strive to glean information about people, you never know when it may come in handy. Therefore, small talk (relevenat or not) is an invaluable source of information.
If someone has something to say, I am usually prepared to listen.
Personally, I strive to glean information about people, you never know when it may come in handy. Therefore, small talk (relevenat or not) is an invaluable source of information.
If someone has something to say, I am usually prepared to listen.
Àshley wrote:
> would it be ironic if i told you that i was bored by your post and so
> didn't bother to read it! (even if its not true)
Or if you were bored by it, but skimmed over it and wrote a half-arsed reply to look like you were paying attention :OD
(even if it's not true either, the thought just amused me)
> would it be ironic if i told you that i was bored by your post and so
> didn't bother to read it! (even if its not true)
Or if you were bored by it, but skimmed over it and wrote a half-arsed reply to look like you were paying attention :OD
(even if it's not true either, the thought just amused me)
Hmm, not sure, but it sounds like you might be describing that situation where you find yourself someone's friend out of obligation.
If so, in a way that's kind of one big parallel of the whole pretend to be listening and they'll prefer it vs tell them you don't care and be honest with them
- ie, you don't want to be their mate, but for their benefit (or your inability to do anything else) you go along with it, or you stop lying to them, and step off.
Maybe not where you guys are, it just sounded like it 'might' be. I've been there for a while, and gone with the playing along thing, not as a matter of nuts, but for the benefit of the person. To be fair, it's not like i don't like him at all, but sometimes he's a total tw.. it, and overall, from a purely selfish point of view, i'd like to be shot of him.
Unfortunately, stepping away seems like it might be enough to push him over the edge. So i don't.
Ant, if you don't mind me offering my 2 cents, the situation with this girl grace reminds me of some good advice i received a while ago.
It's specifically about being dumped / rejected by a girl, if things don't go as you hope, or if you just seem to be treading water, maybe you could consider it?
When she dumps/rejects you, cut off all ties. If she says something like 'can we still be friends?', tell her you have enough friends, thankyou (not entierly true, i'm not sure you can ever have 'enough' friends..). If you have gifts/letters/pictures from her, either chuck them out, or if you must keep them, put them in a box in the attic and don't go near them until you're over her.
Then go out on the rebound, not for anything important, but just to put her firmly behind you.
Why? Because there's virtually no chance that it'll ever work out between you, and even if it did, she'd never really respect you because she knows however badly she treats you, you'll be back for more. By cutting all ties to her, you give yourself a head-start in moving on and getting over her, and minimise that unhappy time you'll be beating yourself up over it.
By finding yourself another woman, even if it's not remotely serious to either of you, you'll be well on the way to repairing your self-esteem.
Not always an easy process, but i prefer it to my own self-pity ;O)
Follow it all or ignore it, your call. Just my opinion.
Of course, you'll have to see how wednesday goes first, good luck with it.
If so, in a way that's kind of one big parallel of the whole pretend to be listening and they'll prefer it vs tell them you don't care and be honest with them
- ie, you don't want to be their mate, but for their benefit (or your inability to do anything else) you go along with it, or you stop lying to them, and step off.
Maybe not where you guys are, it just sounded like it 'might' be. I've been there for a while, and gone with the playing along thing, not as a matter of nuts, but for the benefit of the person. To be fair, it's not like i don't like him at all, but sometimes he's a total tw.. it, and overall, from a purely selfish point of view, i'd like to be shot of him.
Unfortunately, stepping away seems like it might be enough to push him over the edge. So i don't.
Ant, if you don't mind me offering my 2 cents, the situation with this girl grace reminds me of some good advice i received a while ago.
It's specifically about being dumped / rejected by a girl, if things don't go as you hope, or if you just seem to be treading water, maybe you could consider it?
When she dumps/rejects you, cut off all ties. If she says something like 'can we still be friends?', tell her you have enough friends, thankyou (not entierly true, i'm not sure you can ever have 'enough' friends..). If you have gifts/letters/pictures from her, either chuck them out, or if you must keep them, put them in a box in the attic and don't go near them until you're over her.
Then go out on the rebound, not for anything important, but just to put her firmly behind you.
Why? Because there's virtually no chance that it'll ever work out between you, and even if it did, she'd never really respect you because she knows however badly she treats you, you'll be back for more. By cutting all ties to her, you give yourself a head-start in moving on and getting over her, and minimise that unhappy time you'll be beating yourself up over it.
By finding yourself another woman, even if it's not remotely serious to either of you, you'll be well on the way to repairing your self-esteem.
Not always an easy process, but i prefer it to my own self-pity ;O)
Follow it all or ignore it, your call. Just my opinion.
Of course, you'll have to see how wednesday goes first, good luck with it.
would it be ironic if i told you that i was bored by your post and so didn't bother to read it! (even if its not true)
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