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"White Noise"

He stands behind her, anger simmering just below the surface.
He wants to kill her, this isn’t a passion led, hate-fuelled anger. This is a genuine, cold and controlled desire to remove her spite from his existence.
For years he has listened to the bile drip from the hole in her face, years of hearing how useless he was as a son.
Years of being her emotional punch bag. Hard day at work? Feeling upset because you can’t vocalise your self-loathing? No problem! Take it out on your son!
You’ll feel better then and can lay on your back watching soap operas whilst your child (he may not be a teenager anymore but he’s still your son) paces round in another room, growling and hissing in an attempt to dispel his anger at being the dump-valve for the stresses of your day.
It doesn’t matter that he has to smash his head into walls to stop himself from attacking you. It doesn’t matter he spends nights awake, hollow in the dark hours of the soul.
As long as you feel better about yourself and relieve those tensions, that’s all that matters, right?

Wrong.
Because every time you curse him, every time you mouth off at him and cause him total fury, you relax safe in the knowledge that he will never allow himself to destroy you.
He’ll never give in to the overwhelming urge to remove you from his world.
No matter how beyond-anger your drive him, he’ll walk away and take out his fury on himself. He’ll test his own thresholds of pain rather than surrender to the joy of violent movement.
You see it all the time on the news:
A normally quiet person snaps one day and microwaves their baby because it wont stop crying.
A wife sets her husband on fire because he shouted one too many times at her.
A child, after years of quietly soaking up the rage from someone who blames others for their own failures, loses control and just has to act.
But that wont happen this time. And that is how you get away with it time and time again. Secure knowing that he’s seen enough violence to last him a lifetime.

But there are things you don’t see that if you did, would cause you to recoil in fear and alarm.

You don’t see his eyes glazing over as he is transported back to being a frightened little boy, trying to think himself invisible as his stepfather climbs the stairs.
You don’t see him flinch at sudden movements from people in the street. Or if you do, you laugh it off as him being him and “you know how he is”.
You ignore his quiet “please don’t raise your voice to me” questions because you’re too wrapped up in enjoying your release of a bad day.
You don’t stop to see that he’s had a bad day and who does he talk to about it?
He cant talk to you, because you store up his confessions and use them against him when you next decide you need to “let off steam”.
He cant talk to his girlfriend, because she always offers solutions. She never just holds him and tells him “it’ll be alright”.
No, he does this himself.
He’s the first person to support others, to make them feel so strong and so powerful.
But this isn’t meant to sound like complaints.
He has learned to build and maintain the Fort of One long ago.
When he had to come home from a hell called school only to face the drunken rage of the stepfather.
He didn’t tell you the things he went through, because you had enough to deal with as well.
He took his “punishment” like a strong boy and carried on.

You weren’t there when he took a beating for leaving a spoon in the sink, and he never mentioned it.
You didn’t see when he was punched unconscious for running upstairs instead of walking.
You were never told about the other things, but he knows you know.
But, as usual, he takes his lessons and learns them well.
You cant rely on others for support.
There is only The One.
Anyone that tells you different is lying because they want something from you.

But hey, the only thing that matters is that you feel better after having got that off your chest right?
Ignore the fact he’s now upstairs trying to write it out instead of giving in to what feels right and cutting off his head to make things quiet.
He can hear the tv through the floor, you’ve forgotten all about the previous 3 hours now haven’t you? And you feel better for it.
Well he doesn’t.
He’s in that dark place again, and he has fewer and fewer options left.
He’s getting tired of this routine now if he’s honest. He’s tired of being the comic monkey boy for everyone else.
He’s tired of always having to listen to how “I’ve had a bad day”, but he’s not allowed to feel down.
Oh no, that’s being selfish right?

No, selfish is knowing all these things and not passing them on.
Don’t think that “love cures all” or “home is where the heart is”, because that’s a lie.
The only thing you can ever rely on is the fact that nobody can do anything for you but yourself.
Hate comes in many disguises, it can be a stranger on the street, a kid at school, a boss or a family member.
The only that matters is trying not to cave in and be what you swore you never would be.

Well despite the words and spat-out cursing, he still remains.
Because he is stronger than all and will be there standing when the heavens burn and the palaces crumble.
There is nothing on this planet stronger than him, nothing that can break him and nothing that can reach him way inside where he hides when things get too much.
Just keep being grateful that you are family, because that is the only thing keeping him from attacking you like an animal in a trap.
It’s ok, he’ll forget all about this tomorrow, just like last time.
He’ll be back to making jokes and pretending that he doesn’t want to stab you in the face when he gets really tense.

Sleep well with that ignorance and wonder why he spends as little time around you as possible.

Because it was written at the end of a very emotional day when syntax etc wasn't at the top of my list.

It was written straight from somewhere, just the words as they came without censoring or thought.

Sorry if that sounded narky, it wasn't meant to be.
Just written at speed to ease some pressure.

And thks for the GAD SR.
Sorry if I'm not around massively for a while, things are not ideal.

Not being Goatboy, I can't answer the question properly, but I figure Goatboy wrote it the way he did as it was the style that best suited the piece?

Great emotional topic Goatboy, but I just need to ask you one thing - why, whenever you write a post, does it come out higglegy piggledy like this:

"He stands behind her, anger simmering just below the surface.
He wants to kill her, this isn’t a passion led, hate-fuelled anger. This is a genuine, cold and controlled desire to remove her spite from his existence."

See what I mean?

good post goatboy

Congrats, Goaty.

WòókieeMøn§†€® wrote:

> I could be wrong, but I don't think something that powerful could be
> written without at least some personal experience.


That's exactly what I was thinking at the time - I wanted to write - I feel for you Goatboy - but then I think how much of this is real, If it is all real and written from the heart then I feel truly sorry for him and I can relate to alot of what he has written. I have recently finished six months of counselling to get rid of all the pent up anger and hatred I had inside of me due to certain things that happened to me as a kid and reading stuff like this brings it back.

If it is written from the head then he has one hell of an imagination and should think about seriously looking at alternative career paths.

Whichever, the emotion really got to me reading this piece.

If I smoked I'd go and have one but I suppose I'll have to settle for a good old english cup of tea.

nh wrote:
> The problem I have - not being around here that long - is knowing
> which ones of these are the stories and which ones are the real
> emotions

I know what you mean - even I have trouble sometimes.

I could be wrong, but I don't think something that powerful could be written without at least some personal experience.

Absolutely fantastic.

Not the subject, but the emotion and power it's written with.

I've been fortunate. My family have never been well-off, but I've never had anything but love and support from my parents. So I can never truly understand what it must be like, but that post is about as close as I could get. I could actually fel my eyes swelling with tears. As I'm at work, though, I had to swallow deeply and suppress them.

Another post to stir the emotions. Well written, as usual Goatboy.

Oh and Frenchie - "I found it very interesting" not the most difficult translation to master.

That was superbly expressed and written.

The problem I have - not being around here that long - is knowing which ones of these are the stories and which ones are the real emotions, hence I could make a complete pratt of myself by giving the wrong response.