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"White Noise"

He stands behind her, anger simmering just below the surface.
He wants to kill her, this isn’t a passion led, hate-fuelled anger. This is a genuine, cold and controlled desire to remove her spite from his existence.
For years he has listened to the bile drip from the hole in her face, years of hearing how useless he was as a son.
Years of being her emotional punch bag. Hard day at work? Feeling upset because you can’t vocalise your self-loathing? No problem! Take it out on your son!
You’ll feel better then and can lay on your back watching soap operas whilst your child (he may not be a teenager anymore but he’s still your son) paces round in another room, growling and hissing in an attempt to dispel his anger at being the dump-valve for the stresses of your day.
It doesn’t matter that he has to smash his head into walls to stop himself from attacking you. It doesn’t matter he spends nights awake, hollow in the dark hours of the soul.
As long as you feel better about yourself and relieve those tensions, that’s all that matters, right?

Wrong.
Because every time you curse him, every time you mouth off at him and cause him total fury, you relax safe in the knowledge that he will never allow himself to destroy you.
He’ll never give in to the overwhelming urge to remove you from his world.
No matter how beyond-anger your drive him, he’ll walk away and take out his fury on himself. He’ll test his own thresholds of pain rather than surrender to the joy of violent movement.
You see it all the time on the news:
A normally quiet person snaps one day and microwaves their baby because it wont stop crying.
A wife sets her husband on fire because he shouted one too many times at her.
A child, after years of quietly soaking up the rage from someone who blames others for their own failures, loses control and just has to act.
But that wont happen this time. And that is how you get away with it time and time again. Secure knowing that he’s seen enough violence to last him a lifetime.

But there are things you don’t see that if you did, would cause you to recoil in fear and alarm.

You don’t see his eyes glazing over as he is transported back to being a frightened little boy, trying to think himself invisible as his stepfather climbs the stairs.
You don’t see him flinch at sudden movements from people in the street. Or if you do, you laugh it off as him being him and “you know how he is”.
You ignore his quiet “please don’t raise your voice to me” questions because you’re too wrapped up in enjoying your release of a bad day.
You don’t stop to see that he’s had a bad day and who does he talk to about it?
He cant talk to you, because you store up his confessions and use them against him when you next decide you need to “let off steam”.
He cant talk to his girlfriend, because she always offers solutions. She never just holds him and tells him “it’ll be alright”.
No, he does this himself.
He’s the first person to support others, to make them feel so strong and so powerful.
But this isn’t meant to sound like complaints.
He has learned to build and maintain the Fort of One long ago.
When he had to come home from a hell called school only to face the drunken rage of the stepfather.
He didn’t tell you the things he went through, because you had enough to deal with as well.
He took his “punishment” like a strong boy and carried on.

You weren’t there when he took a beating for leaving a spoon in the sink, and he never mentioned it.
You didn’t see when he was punched unconscious for running upstairs instead of walking.
You were never told about the other things, but he knows you know.
But, as usual, he takes his lessons and learns them well.
You cant rely on others for support.
There is only The One.
Anyone that tells you different is lying because they want something from you.

But hey, the only thing that matters is that you feel better after having got that off your chest right?
Ignore the fact he’s now upstairs trying to write it out instead of giving in to what feels right and cutting off his head to make things quiet.
He can hear the tv through the floor, you’ve forgotten all about the previous 3 hours now haven’t you? And you feel better for it.
Well he doesn’t.
He’s in that dark place again, and he has fewer and fewer options left.
He’s getting tired of this routine now if he’s honest. He’s tired of being the comic monkey boy for everyone else.
He’s tired of always having to listen to how “I’ve had a bad day”, but he’s not allowed to feel down.
Oh no, that’s being selfish right?

No, selfish is knowing all these things and not passing them on.
Don’t think that “love cures all” or “home is where the heart is”, because that’s a lie.
The only thing you can ever rely on is the fact that nobody can do anything for you but yourself.
Hate comes in many disguises, it can be a stranger on the street, a kid at school, a boss or a family member.
The only that matters is trying not to cave in and be what you swore you never would be.

Well despite the words and spat-out cursing, he still remains.
Because he is stronger than all and will be there standing when the heavens burn and the palaces crumble.
There is nothing on this planet stronger than him, nothing that can break him and nothing that can reach him way inside where he hides when things get too much.
Just keep being grateful that you are family, because that is the only thing keeping him from attacking you like an animal in a trap.
It’s ok, he’ll forget all about this tomorrow, just like last time.
He’ll be back to making jokes and pretending that he doesn’t want to stab you in the face when he gets really tense.

Sleep well with that ignorance and wonder why he spends as little time around you as possible.

Hey Goaty -- YOU THE MAN!


Well done mate - for bieng strong.


Looks like you got it sussed now,like you said with the band and girlfriend thing ,it's a middle finger to those who tried to break you.


They are bad -- YOU ARE GOOD.


Once again ,well done mate.

As you said Goaty - wow...

I think it's great that you are able to use a forum such as this to release all of those emotions, I wish I was able to do something like that when I was younger. I kept everything brewing up inside me and because of that I would descend into these incredibly dark and bitter moods in a fraction of a second at times and I wondered why nobody liked me !

Being just a tad older than you I did nothing about it until last year and boy am I glad I did cos it has changed me totally now that I have got rid of all the crap I was carrying around.

If just one person can be inspired by what you write and how you write it here then you have done a great job, I'm sure that many will have read this and said nothing and there will be at least one person who will have a little wry grin and say "I'm not the only one".

Job done Goaty. Good stuff..

Wow.
Ok, well. This wasn't written with any intention of trying to affect people or upset them or anything like that.
This was written as a result of..well, the culmination of a week of rubbish.
Yes, the things I've written are true. But that isn't to say "Feel sorry for me" or "Look at how hard life can be".
Absolutely, in no way at all is that the intention.
It's just me using writing as an outlet for very intense emotions, it's a form of therapy I guess.

That was written to let out steam/emotion/frustration/rage/anger. It appears somewhat dislocated in style because, as said, it was just "in the moment" writing.
To give words to those feelings means you have to distance yourself, it's a protection device if anything.
Either that I just write "killthemkillthemkillthemkillthem" over and over until I get taken away somewhere warm and happy.

Life sucks sometimes. Sometimes worse than other times, but it's all balancing it out that's the trick.
Not dwelling on bad stuff, trying to acknowledge it and accept it as part of your life.
To give in and spend forever in mourning for your childhood is to let the abuser win.
To rise above and make something of yourself is to claim your dignity back and to ultimately stand taller than them.

As for Mr Happy's comments:
I think what you have written about my style being in anyway shape or form even slightly related to Bukowski is one of the single biggest compliments I think I have received.
I make no claim to being a writer of any note, that's egotism and something I try my hardest to not have.
I can only write the way I do because that's how it comes out, however I try it always reads the same.
But seriously mate, you have no idea what your comments mean.

I never expect a response to these kinds of posts I sometimes write, simply because I'm aware that the subject matter may (hopefully) be alien to you.
But if just one person in a similar position reads it and takes anything from it in those moments when it all seems so overpowering and hopeless then I've achieved something.

No matter how hard your life is, there will come a time when you look back and can have a degree of distance to it.
It may feel like there's nothing there worthwhile, but there is somewhere.
You just have to keep the courage to stay the distance and get your reward.
I've gone from being a terminally withdrawn kid that was told "You're stupid" "Your worthless" "You'll never amount to anything, pathetic" etc etc, to someone in a band that will make it, a beautiful (if annoying sometimes) girlfriend and a nice goldy hue to my name.

It may not mean anything to anyone but me, but to this bloke it's all a hearty middle-fingered salute to people that tried to break me.
I'm still here, I've learned more through having a bit of a rough ride as a nipper and I'm wiser now than I ever thought possible.

I'm rambling aren't I?
Sorry, it's...christ...02:34 and I have to be up at 7am for work.

Cheers for all the comments, apologies if anyone felt uncomfortable reading it and I'll get right back to being the forum funny-monkey just as soon as I can get my head back together and remember the important things.

Thanks.
You punks.

I'm just adding myself to the list of people who want to say that they have read this. Perhaps this is an unimportant reply but at least it will keep the post at the top of the page where more people can read it.

And I would just add that even if something isn't nice to read (or watch) it doesn't mean that it isn't good or that it should be discouraged. The world is not a nice place, as awful (an adjective that sounds pathetic in this context) things like this show.

It's a wake up call to the bourgeoisie like me, who have uncomplicated lives, that other people don't, or haven't had such troubleless lives. Maybe this sounds arrogant but it stops people from being complacent. Stops people from shutting themselves into a tiny world of films/videogames/big brother. It's important because it's horrifying enough to make you think.

Also if you do look at stuff that's been written this century, a significant proportion of the best fiction is based on the author's own life. JD Salinger only wrote one significant novel - "Catcher on the Rye" - also the only one based on his life. F Scott Fitzgerald chronicled the age in which he lived. Kerouac's books are at base little more than his diaries. And perhaps most appropriately Charles Bukowski wrote brilliantly when he wrote about his own life ("Post Office", "Factotum" and "Ham on the Rye") and, arguably, worst when he didn't ("Women").

On a side note I bought "Ham on the Rye" today and it had an intro by Roddy Doyle, who really put his finger on Bukowski's style, which will allow me to clarify why I think Goaty writes like him (though not in this post):
"It was the awkwardness of the writing, its closeness to speech... Bukowski's writing was inarticulate, but deliberately so. Each word clung tight to the next; there was no room for any more. It was a tightly choreographed clumsiness. And it was great."

I'm not saying that Goaty's writing is inarticulate.. just read "Post Office" try to write like that, see that you can't, and then you'll see how well Goatboy writes.

Anyhow Bukowski got published in his twenties. Then became a proper writer when he hit fifty. So Goaty's got a few more years yet.. and normally I'd end with a smiley but I don't think it's appropriate here.

simon45 wrote:
> I have read "A boy called 'it'" - i can't remember the name
> of the author.........Dave Watson? That was a hell of a read,very
> similar to the writing of the author of this piece.

Dave Pelzer.

> Cried myself to sleep many nights whilst reading that book...and while
> i'm in bed tonight this piece will probably come to mind.
>

First time I cried whilst reading a book that one makes you sit up and notice that not every family is angelic and loving.

Goatboy wrote:
> You didn’t see when he was punched unconscious for running upstairs
> instead of walking.

Bloody hell, this really happened? You must be a strong person to make it through childhood.

Wow ..... some things just bring you straight back down to earth with a loud bump.

Here i am enjoying a week off work watching footy ,enjoying life with my girlfriend and daughter,drinking ,laughing , i almost feel apoligetic when i read things like this.

Theres nothing i can say or do to make a difference.

I have read "A boy called 'it'" - i can't remember the name of the author.........Dave Watson? That was a hell of a read,very similar to the writing of the author of this piece.

Cried myself to sleep many nights whilst reading that book...and while i'm in bed tonight this piece will probably come to mind.

If this comes from experience (and not imagination) then people will listen ,and help.

Don't underestimate the power of the ear.

Talk to others,there is more love and understanding in this world than people think ----- just ask .

*read*

Not sure what to say to this. But I read it.

Agreed with Goatboy. Sometimes you just need to let the words just fall out, just the way it is.