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"Not That Long Ago, In A Cinema Not That Far Away..."

Yes that's right, I've just come back from the 00:05 showing of "Attack of the Clones" - and it sucked big stylee! Lucas really blew it this time. Instead of making a film that explores the complex political and emotional side of..er..space travel, he made a bland, shallow advert for the legions of toys that'll be coming out around now. Don't get me wrong - I'm a huge Star Wars fan - but you would have thought he'd have learnt his lesson after "The Phantom Menace".

It all went wrong even before the opening monologue had begun - the advert for Dolby Surround Sound went wrong, resulting in the sound not playing until about half way through. People started laughing. Then they played that stupid advert about the boy getting hit by the car - just to depress everyone. Soon cheered up once the film had started though, but only until the first person opened their stupid mouth.

The acting in this film belongs in the Channel 5 9'O Clock movie. Awful, awful actors that I can only think he hired so that he could spend more on special effects. And, considering that Lucas owns the biggest and most advanced special effects company in the world, he could have used it more productively. Sure the battle scenes were great, but you could tell it just wasn't right, and the people interacting with the CGI monsters was all off.

And now some pros:
Yoda kicking sweet-ass for about a minute
Mace Windu going "This party's over", just like he would in Pulp Fiction!
Ewan McGregor was actually quite good.
Err...Stormtroopers?

Aaaaaaaaand back to the cons. Jimmy Smits was in it, but he appeared to be some kind of Victorian Pimp. Jango Fett had this strange 'ancient English history' theme going on aswell, by being a pirate. It all sucked. I own a digital camera that will do just over 3 minutes of film with sound. I might just go back and record the good bits for my viewing pleasure. Seriously though, if you want a good laugh, go and see it. There's one bit of acting after Padme falls into the desert that will make you poop your pant with the funny.

It sucked Lucas - and so do you. So you can forget EpIII, it's just not worth it...unless you kill all the characters and start again...and disown the trilogy you brought out in the 70s/80s and say they're not connected...and stop trying to camp up R2D2 and C3PO - they're not comic relief, that's what Jar Jar is for. Or was that Annakin? Either way it had me laughing.

You could just say "Lighten up man, it's just a movie about space and monsters and explosions. It's for kids.". But it's not. How can a film for kids handle love, respect, politics, war...all the things that concern adults daily. But it's not for adults either. Too many little cute things for kids to act as eye candy for merchandise. It's at cross purposes. On one hand Lucas has to make the film entertaining so that people actually watch it. But on the other the fim has to function with the story it has already been generated for it. The whole film felt as though it was on a schedule. That was the beauty of the original trilogy. Everything happened at it's own pace and unfolded into a brilliant piece of storytelling. With Episode 2 there were rules to follow about how the characters could react and behave. This constricted the movie to just a rehash of what we've already seen with "The Empire Strikes Back".

Comparing this movie to any of the others is impossible, though. Lucas has succedded in making 5 fairly different films. The trouble is that Ep1 and Ep2 were getting to be similar and I've got a feeling Ep3 will be more of the same. It's a shame really. This is the only film from the series that I've seen on the big screen and I was dissappointed. The previous trilogy was far more challenging in the relationships that grew between the characters. This one just seemed to plod along, accepting anything that happened along the way, before wrapping it up quickly at the end. If you're going for the love story, then you're not in for a treat. Lucas can't write for toffee and should have called it "Attack of the Mutes". That would be far more amusing - Annakin trying to seduce Padme by pretending to be stuck in a box, or walking his invisible dog!

Dammit, I've got so much to say about his movie!

The audience didn't respond too well to the film either - so it wasn't just me. It was mainly laughter. Everytime Yoda said something, they would laugh. Everytime Samuel L. Jackson said something, they would laugh. They knew what they wanted to see - and it was a million miles away from what star Wars used to be. It's become a parody of itself. Reduced to making Yoda fight for a cheap thrill. Sure it was funny, but that was it. Now he'll probably never do that again and it didn't seem special at all. Windu just traded on the fact that he was Samuel L. Jackson's Pulp Fiction character in a gown. Which isn't a bad thing, but it hardly help Jackson's case for being typecast. There was no cheering or whooping at the end. Someone tried to clap, but it was a half-assed effort that fell flat on it's face.

Not a pleasant film to sit through. Having to wait for the next bit that you'll enjoy is a horrible feeling - almost cringeworthy. It's worth seeing for a few bits, but there's nothing new and nothing THAT interesting. I don't think I'll be seeing it again. Not that I wouldn't dismiss it, but I've seen the best bits and there wasn't enough to justify forking out the rental fee or the price of a DVD. What confused me the most was how the papers were ranting about how good it was. This is the sort of film that would normally get ripped to shreds by the critics, but for some reason it was left alone. Maybe they were distracted by the spaceships and explosions. Don't say "but...spaceships...explosions" - the movie should work on levels beyond special effects, but it failed to do so.

Bland, shallow, not for kids, not for adults. You work it out.

4 in the morning. I sleep now.

Pusher: Want some death-sticks?
Obi-Wan: You don't want to sell me death-sticks.
Pusher: I don't want to sell you death-sticks
Obi-Wan: You want to go home and rethink your life.
Pusher: I... want to go home, and.. rethink my life...


THAT WAS UTTER CLASS.

Did you get the one about R2D2 giving C3PO head?

And hardly any Jar Jar! Hurray.

I walked into the cinema telling myself it was going to suck.

I came out happy, because I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. That's all I really care about.

But:

Acting was poor.

Boba Fett is gonna be reeaaalll funned up.

Yoda cheek he kick.

They fell in love? What? How? Just looking back on it, surely Padme and Anakin would have drifted far, far apart, but no, they fall in love instead. Probably a bit of lazy writing, really.

[Well hey! Everyone knows they're gonna fall in love. So why bother letting it make sense?]

But I enjoyed it. It was REALLY different to other Star Wars films... but I really enjoyed it anytime Obi-Wan was on screen... thank God his character is developing. Everyone else just seems a little flat.

But yeah, I enjoyed it, and I came out with a smile on my face. Sure, I laughed a hell of a lot... and... grrr at the damn C3-PO puns! Damn Lucas.

Padme: "No, lets go to a ship! Hurry!"

*stormtrooper runs off, Padme follows behind*

-----

Anakin: "I murdered children."

Padme: "I love you."

Heeeeeeeeey. Fair enough we've both got our opinions. That's cool - that's what forums like this are for, aren't they?

Sorry, but you're wrong, it was pretty darn good. Check my other post

The only thing I wanna see it for is Sam and his purple lightsaber.

I don't regret seeing it - it was good in moderation. If they'd taken out all the crap bits that weren't essential to the growth of the plot, then it would have been a lot better. It's not a bad film, just not that good.

> I still haven't seen The Lord of the Rings.


Nor have I come to think of it!

Mattyboy wrote:
> I still cannot wait to see it!

I can... I still haven't seen The Lord of the Rings.