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Just sitting here thinking about people I no longer see.
My grandad.
He died when I was about 7 or 8. We were at their house for Xmas. I remember waking up in the spare bedroom hearing my mum going "1-2-3 breathe...1-2-3 breathe" (she was a nurse back then). I didn't realise it at the time but he passed away that night.
I remember sitting downstairs with my mum and Sis (3 or 4 then) and Nan.
Ambulance/Police were in the living room.
Apparently he had a heart attack and died in his sleep. Nan says before they turned in for the night, he said "You'd better kiss me goodnight Dot, don't want to go without that".
Odd but 100% true.
He was cool, I remember on Xmas morning the year before, my present from him was a Weetabix box. I opened it up and it was full of Star Wars action figures, all Stormtroopers so I had enough for an army.
He used to take me into the toyshop and tell me to get anything I wanted.
And I used to stand on his slippers/feet and he would walk me around the house.
I miss my grandad but I don't remember him too clearly, and that makes me feel guilty.
My nan isn't doing too well, she's not fully aware of things more often and she needs a social worker to pop in every other day or so.
It's going to break me when she dies, I'm closer to my nan than I am anyone else in family.
My Dad.
I don't miss him at all. Rarely think of him to be honest.
My parents got divorced when I was 11.
Me and my Sis would go and stay with him every other weekend, him and his new woman.
After a few months of that, I decided that if he could walk out on his kids then I didn't want to know him and he certainly had no claim to me as his "son", so I stopped visiting him.
The last time I spoke to him, I was about 13.
15 years ago now and I'm being honest when I say that I think of him maybe once or twice every few months - if that.
It just doesn't interest me in what he's doing now.
Last I heard, he was living in France.
His dad/my grandad on his side of the family died last year.
I had nothing to do with his parents, they took sides and when you're a kid you don't understand why nan & grandad won't talk to you.
I didn't go to the funeral, meant nothing to me. Neither did he.
Shows how much he thinks of other people.
And if I see him in the street, if I even recognised him anymore, I would do my utmost to punch his lights out.
For the upset and misery he caused to my mum and sister.
For the number of night shifts my mum worked in order to pay for me and my sister to go to school/have decent clothes.
She went without a lot of things for a long time so her two kids could have a decent life.
My stepfather.
A bullying, violent psychopath.
Did time in prison for assault before he met my mum and she didn't know.
He was fine until he moved in, and then he changed.
A man that once punched me up a flight of stairs for telling him to not grab my cat.
And a load of other stuff I don't want to talk about.
It took a court order and police to remove him from our lives.
I was a scared little boy when he was around, I could do nothing when he started on my mum and sister.
But I'm not little anymore and I swear on my family if I ever meet him again I will do my utmost to kill him.
That's not exaggeration - I will try to end his life if he ever shows up again here.
It's been over a decade since he left, but my hate still flows for that man and how he treated us.
Now it's late and I'm going to bed, I just wanted to get out the thoughts in my head that are stopping me from sleeping.
01:12 and wide awake.
This sucks.
My grandad.
He died when I was about 7 or 8. We were at their house for Xmas. I remember waking up in the spare bedroom hearing my mum going "1-2-3 breathe...1-2-3 breathe" (she was a nurse back then). I didn't realise it at the time but he passed away that night.
I remember sitting downstairs with my mum and Sis (3 or 4 then) and Nan.
Ambulance/Police were in the living room.
Apparently he had a heart attack and died in his sleep. Nan says before they turned in for the night, he said "You'd better kiss me goodnight Dot, don't want to go without that".
Odd but 100% true.
He was cool, I remember on Xmas morning the year before, my present from him was a Weetabix box. I opened it up and it was full of Star Wars action figures, all Stormtroopers so I had enough for an army.
He used to take me into the toyshop and tell me to get anything I wanted.
And I used to stand on his slippers/feet and he would walk me around the house.
I miss my grandad but I don't remember him too clearly, and that makes me feel guilty.
My nan isn't doing too well, she's not fully aware of things more often and she needs a social worker to pop in every other day or so.
It's going to break me when she dies, I'm closer to my nan than I am anyone else in family.
My Dad.
I don't miss him at all. Rarely think of him to be honest.
My parents got divorced when I was 11.
Me and my Sis would go and stay with him every other weekend, him and his new woman.
After a few months of that, I decided that if he could walk out on his kids then I didn't want to know him and he certainly had no claim to me as his "son", so I stopped visiting him.
The last time I spoke to him, I was about 13.
15 years ago now and I'm being honest when I say that I think of him maybe once or twice every few months - if that.
It just doesn't interest me in what he's doing now.
Last I heard, he was living in France.
His dad/my grandad on his side of the family died last year.
I had nothing to do with his parents, they took sides and when you're a kid you don't understand why nan & grandad won't talk to you.
I didn't go to the funeral, meant nothing to me. Neither did he.
Shows how much he thinks of other people.
And if I see him in the street, if I even recognised him anymore, I would do my utmost to punch his lights out.
For the upset and misery he caused to my mum and sister.
For the number of night shifts my mum worked in order to pay for me and my sister to go to school/have decent clothes.
She went without a lot of things for a long time so her two kids could have a decent life.
My stepfather.
A bullying, violent psychopath.
Did time in prison for assault before he met my mum and she didn't know.
He was fine until he moved in, and then he changed.
A man that once punched me up a flight of stairs for telling him to not grab my cat.
And a load of other stuff I don't want to talk about.
It took a court order and police to remove him from our lives.
I was a scared little boy when he was around, I could do nothing when he started on my mum and sister.
But I'm not little anymore and I swear on my family if I ever meet him again I will do my utmost to kill him.
That's not exaggeration - I will try to end his life if he ever shows up again here.
It's been over a decade since he left, but my hate still flows for that man and how he treated us.
Now it's late and I'm going to bed, I just wanted to get out the thoughts in my head that are stopping me from sleeping.
01:12 and wide awake.
This sucks.
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Gangsta Hamsta wrote:
> Gurning wrote:
> can i ask u guys one thing why do u moan so much its a chat forum
> live
> a little have a laugh lifes to short to be unhappy and moany
>
>
> Because when someone tells you something meaningful to them, comments
> like 'oh, poor little baby' and 'you brain dead goat lover' are not
> funny. If you want to talk utter balls then go to the chat forum,
> thats where everyone else goes. This is one of the few forums left
> where people talk sense and the members here have waited a long time
> for it.
>
> I'm all for messing around and having a laugh but this is not the
> place.
just wait one min i never ever said that another user said that dont moan at me for that
> Gurning wrote:
> can i ask u guys one thing why do u moan so much its a chat forum
> live
> a little have a laugh lifes to short to be unhappy and moany
>
>
> Because when someone tells you something meaningful to them, comments
> like 'oh, poor little baby' and 'you brain dead goat lover' are not
> funny. If you want to talk utter balls then go to the chat forum,
> thats where everyone else goes. This is one of the few forums left
> where people talk sense and the members here have waited a long time
> for it.
>
> I'm all for messing around and having a laugh but this is not the
> place.
just wait one min i never ever said that another user said that dont moan at me for that
Gurning wrote:
> can i ask u guys one thing why do u moan so much its a chat forum live
> a little have a laugh lifes to short to be unhappy and moany
Because when someone tells you something meaningful to them, comments like 'oh, poor little baby' and 'you brain dead goat lover' are not funny. If you want to talk utter balls then go to the chat forum, thats where everyone else goes. This is one of the few forums left where people talk sense and the members here have waited a long time for it.
I'm all for messing around and having a laugh but this is not the place.
> can i ask u guys one thing why do u moan so much its a chat forum live
> a little have a laugh lifes to short to be unhappy and moany
Because when someone tells you something meaningful to them, comments like 'oh, poor little baby' and 'you brain dead goat lover' are not funny. If you want to talk utter balls then go to the chat forum, thats where everyone else goes. This is one of the few forums left where people talk sense and the members here have waited a long time for it.
I'm all for messing around and having a laugh but this is not the place.
If you dont wanna talk about it why did you start a topic about it?
In some ways.
In other ways it has caused a lot of other issues.
No offence Hamsta, but I really don't want to talk about this stuff.
No offence.
In other ways it has caused a lot of other issues.
No offence Hamsta, but I really don't want to talk about this stuff.
No offence.
Goatboy wrote:
> My stepfather.
> A bullying, violent psychopath.
> Did time in prison for assault before he met my mum and she didn't
> know.
> He was fine until he moved in, and then he changed.
> A man that once punched me up a flight of stairs for telling him to
> not grab my cat.
> And a load of other stuff I don't want to talk about.
This may sound like a stupid question and I apologise if it comes out wrong but, do you think that these experiences have made you 'stronger' as a person?
Its just something that people always say, so I was just curious. I have never experienced anything like this so I don't know for myself.
> My stepfather.
> A bullying, violent psychopath.
> Did time in prison for assault before he met my mum and she didn't
> know.
> He was fine until he moved in, and then he changed.
> A man that once punched me up a flight of stairs for telling him to
> not grab my cat.
> And a load of other stuff I don't want to talk about.
This may sound like a stupid question and I apologise if it comes out wrong but, do you think that these experiences have made you 'stronger' as a person?
Its just something that people always say, so I was just curious. I have never experienced anything like this so I don't know for myself.
I spend far too much time regretting things...I know it's past, I can't do anything about it and so on, but I can't help it.
My gran died about a year ago, lung cancer from years of smoking. She was the only grandparent who I really knew, living in town with us - many relatives in obscure Scottish villages, some scattered around England, but no one else I saw regularly. Her husband died before I was born, so I never knew my other grandad, but I was named after him..and that's my first problem. I know nothing about him, and never took the time to ask my gran...never really talked to her much at all, really. Apparently he was very like me, but that's all I know. Could ask my parents, really like to know...but I know how my mum goes whenever I bring up the topic of her parents..and understandably so..
Second issue for me was being kept in the dark. I knew there was a problem, and I know of various ones now, but I'm never told anything about them by my parents - as if they want to protect me from realities of the world. I just got told that she was ill...then at the doctors...then in hospital. At that point, I realised how serious it had become, but I couldn't do anything then - my mum refused to take me to the hospital to see her, apparently it would be unfair on my cousins, who couldn't get down here...and I hated it. I watched her come in from it each night and go to hide somewhere; I'm not as young and innocent as she'd like to think, I knew perfectly well what was happening, tried to help her with it as best I could, but I always felt that I should have seen her, somehow. Finally asked to be told more, they said she was happy, convinced she had made the most of her life, and knew I'd do the same with mine. And I'm determined to do so now.
Been around all my life, moved down here with my parents when they came... but I'd never really made much of an effort to know her. She annoyed me when I was younger, always fussing around, just making me want to get away...but I can understand why now. When at the time I just wanted to be left alone, now I hit myself, how I must have come across, why I didn't appreciate it when I could..
Sigh..first time I've spoken/written about this at all, really. It does upset me, and just has, but it's the only death of someone close to me I've had to deal with..
My gran died about a year ago, lung cancer from years of smoking. She was the only grandparent who I really knew, living in town with us - many relatives in obscure Scottish villages, some scattered around England, but no one else I saw regularly. Her husband died before I was born, so I never knew my other grandad, but I was named after him..and that's my first problem. I know nothing about him, and never took the time to ask my gran...never really talked to her much at all, really. Apparently he was very like me, but that's all I know. Could ask my parents, really like to know...but I know how my mum goes whenever I bring up the topic of her parents..and understandably so..
Second issue for me was being kept in the dark. I knew there was a problem, and I know of various ones now, but I'm never told anything about them by my parents - as if they want to protect me from realities of the world. I just got told that she was ill...then at the doctors...then in hospital. At that point, I realised how serious it had become, but I couldn't do anything then - my mum refused to take me to the hospital to see her, apparently it would be unfair on my cousins, who couldn't get down here...and I hated it. I watched her come in from it each night and go to hide somewhere; I'm not as young and innocent as she'd like to think, I knew perfectly well what was happening, tried to help her with it as best I could, but I always felt that I should have seen her, somehow. Finally asked to be told more, they said she was happy, convinced she had made the most of her life, and knew I'd do the same with mine. And I'm determined to do so now.
Been around all my life, moved down here with my parents when they came... but I'd never really made much of an effort to know her. She annoyed me when I was younger, always fussing around, just making me want to get away...but I can understand why now. When at the time I just wanted to be left alone, now I hit myself, how I must have come across, why I didn't appreciate it when I could..
Sigh..first time I've spoken/written about this at all, really. It does upset me, and just has, but it's the only death of someone close to me I've had to deal with..
Grix Thraves wrote:
Only when I can finally call my life worth living, will I ever
> be able to forgive myself.
>
> I really should be in school.
--
No,you really should be out doing what it is you want to.
What's your mission?
Mine is play drums and entertain people.
I'm not 100% all the way there yet, I still have to work - but I'm quite well down my path.
Screw school, you really should be in life.
Which you are.
And Clutch rule.
Only when I can finally call my life worth living, will I ever
> be able to forgive myself.
>
> I really should be in school.
--
No,you really should be out doing what it is you want to.
What's your mission?
Mine is play drums and entertain people.
I'm not 100% all the way there yet, I still have to work - but I'm quite well down my path.
Screw school, you really should be in life.
Which you are.
And Clutch rule.
I was closest to my Grampa more than anyone else in my family, so it did kinda suck when he died. He took me to Ice Cream Conventions, took me fishing, all the cool stuff nobody else had time to do with me.
But I've grown up with this horrible nagging in the back at my head that often makes me just collapse and refuse to do anything.
He died from smoking, lung cancer. In the last days, his voice went, and he ended up in hospital, so we went to see him.
I know how close he was to me, the same for me to him. He couldn't talk, he wanted just to hold my hand. I did. But not for long, I couldn't face it. I turned and just looked out the window.
I think that's when he gave up hope. Few days later he died. I don't feel responsible for his death, I mean, he was going to die, and that's it. But my Grampa was the most visually fantastic person who I ever knew. If he wanted something, he went and got it, and that's what inspired me. He did, unfortunatly, leave us in a lot of debt when he passed away, but he achieved so much in his life, I could listen to him talk about his stories all day... he wasn't like normal Grampas. His story telling ruled.
But I'm sure because of me he died unhappy, instead of with a smile on his face, like he deserved to. I don't want you all to comfort me and say how I'm wrong, because I made a mistake, and it's stuck in my mind. Only when I can finally call my life worth living, will I ever be able to forgive myself.
I really should be in school.
But I've grown up with this horrible nagging in the back at my head that often makes me just collapse and refuse to do anything.
He died from smoking, lung cancer. In the last days, his voice went, and he ended up in hospital, so we went to see him.
I know how close he was to me, the same for me to him. He couldn't talk, he wanted just to hold my hand. I did. But not for long, I couldn't face it. I turned and just looked out the window.
I think that's when he gave up hope. Few days later he died. I don't feel responsible for his death, I mean, he was going to die, and that's it. But my Grampa was the most visually fantastic person who I ever knew. If he wanted something, he went and got it, and that's what inspired me. He did, unfortunatly, leave us in a lot of debt when he passed away, but he achieved so much in his life, I could listen to him talk about his stories all day... he wasn't like normal Grampas. His story telling ruled.
But I'm sure because of me he died unhappy, instead of with a smile on his face, like he deserved to. I don't want you all to comfort me and say how I'm wrong, because I made a mistake, and it's stuck in my mind. Only when I can finally call my life worth living, will I ever be able to forgive myself.
I really should be in school.
Being walked around the house on someone else's feet when yer a nipper is cool.
He also used to menace me by taking out his teeth and waving them at me.
My grandad rocked.
He also used to menace me by taking out his teeth and waving them at me.
My grandad rocked.
The walking on slippers thing, I've done that. :=)
Also, I'm lucky enough to have not had anyone nasty in my life for anymore than the shortest possible time, so whenever I read about adults treating kids like crap I just don't get how they can do it.
Anyway, I hope you managed to get some sleep.
Also, I'm lucky enough to have not had anyone nasty in my life for anymore than the shortest possible time, so whenever I read about adults treating kids like crap I just don't get how they can do it.
Anyway, I hope you managed to get some sleep.
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