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"Something"

Being a bloke, this seems like a weird thing to do, but then again, everything seems that way. We live in a world where you always have to worry about what everyone else thinks and don't have enough room for an opinion, well, that's the way it seems so far. We are always here, listening to others and what they think, but our voices cannot be heard from underneath the sounds of the rulers. The rulers - the people who dominant and are respected. There's one everywhere and anywhere you go. They exist, built on reputation and will normally be the brain dead morons, who have never future.

This, is a journal, and it's on my computer, which just happens to be password protected, but for some reason, there is still the essence of fear. The fear of others seeing that I think, the fear of what others will think, the fear that exists, partially because I've created it for myself, but more because of how others act towards a situation.

So, I gather I'm now supposed to talk about my personal life. Is this the time where I talk freely, not having to use the delete key, or have to word it so that it sounds better? Or is this a time where I take the time to think of what I'm saying? Either way, I'll just talk as I go along.

My life:

In the space of a single year, everything has changed. Everything that I was, everyone that I knew, everything that made me, me, has all gone. I'm not me anymore. I'm just pretending. I'm more like the person I want to be, but I don't like it. My daily life consists of one thing and only one thing - computers. It's now become more of an addiction, something more like a reputation that I've gathered for myself. I'm not even really sure as to whether I like it that much, but I do it, because there is nothing else to do. And more besides, I feel I have to. People see me as something, and I live up to it. Perhaps, I shouldn't care anymore. Perhaps, there is nothing ever to worry about, as that's the impression I give. Do I appear to other people as someone who is depressed? Am I depressed? Questions that I don't really know if I could answer anymore.

As I was saying, I'm not me. This isn't me. The quiet person; the person who gives in; the person who doesn't have an opinion. No-one is anyone, who doesn't stand out. The quiet kid in the corner might be the most intelligent person in the entire school, but without a personalilty for others to know, that kid in the corner is just a target. The way I cross people: Probably as a bit of an idiot who is there for when you want something. Is that the way I want people to see me? Do I want people to think that I'm a push over? Well, yes, I do. I want people to feel they can go to me in times of help, but that then turns into greed, as that's all humans can see. Temptation.
Something that no-one can resist. You want something, you've got to have it. The same goes for me, after all, I'm only human. But, the one thing I want more then anything, I'm too afraid to go and get. Do I dare even print her name? I don't see any harm. Sophie. That's it. Yes, I've changed and probably not for the best, but have I done anything wrong? From 2 months of flirting and talking, to silence. What could I have done? So many questions, and the answers are probably something that I either don't want to know, or not ready to find out.

At the end of the day, it all comes down to fear. No Hope = No Fear. Well, I don't think there is much hope for me in this world. I suppose, this looks like a desperate plee for attention, but is there anything unique about me to make me stand out? What is people's impression of me. I feel like I'm trapped, and I can't really be set free. I'm lost. I'm living in a world, where I don't have a life. I take too much for granted and don't give people a chance. Can someone restore my faith in humanity? Is there hope out there?

There are things that you accept. There are things that you wish you didn't have to accept. Then, there are things you accept with contempt. The power of words. When you're younger, it's all the verbal abuse about your apperance. Your apperance: something that you can't change. Something that you never choose. Something that can only really be changed by cosmetics and a hell of a lot of money. That's the only reason that plastic surgeons exists, it's all down to fear. People fear what others think of them, and this results in the need to be better then what you are. But, really, what makes you, you, isn't fancy dress' or big muscles, it's what's inside of you. That sounds corny, but it's true. You can't change the way you look, but you can change who you are. Now, as I was saying, the power of words. When being told, that the person you love (am I really able to say that?) doesn't really want to know. The tragic part is, you don't really know if it's your fault.

I've went on enough.

It seems like you're suffering a classic case of melancholy. You're neither happy nor sad, just feeling detached. In the same way that you are on the internet a lot, I actually became a medically-diagnosed insomniac in the summer of 1999, which I've made a post about in the Monks of Tibet thread. The sun would be out, kids were playing in the street, and I was just cooped up in my room, addicted to champ man. What you may consider to be a shortage of 'real' friends is not necessarily a bad thing; it might seem to you now that the accumulation of friends is the be-all and end-all and defines a person, but I can assure you that many well-adjusted, secure people prefer to have a close circle of sometimes just one or two other friends because they are so comfortable in each other's company, and don't feel the need to impress upon each other how cool they are. So just take each day as it comes, don't worry about the internet thing, and do what makes you happy.

Also, keep a diary, even if you find yourself writing very long entries. I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to see your thoughts there in front of you.

Does this all some very Fight Club to you? If you haven't seen the film, I strongly recommend that you do so. It's quite similar to Pi in a way, that's quite superb too. And then watch your favourite happy film. Mine is South Park for the jokes.

Thanks for all the replies, I had a huge reply to all this, and wrote it last night, as I couldn't sleep. But, the damn application - for strange reasons - has now deleted itself and lost it all, so I'll try and start over.

After reading some of the replies, it kinda makes me feel weak. The fact, that I'm here, writing to you lot, to see what you think. Asking other people for advice. I am my own person. I am me. I'm not going to change, because of other people. I don't want to change. I want to get somewhere.

Every moment of the day, I get hundreds of thoughts, that I just want to tell someone, but there's still the essence of fear, holding me back from doing so. I don't really like writing about this, but the thing that I do enjoy, is how people read it and take notice. There's nothing like being able to stand out, for being....well, you.

It suddenly crossed my mind, that I am actually respected more on the internet then I am not on it. A year ago, I wouldn't have even known really how to connect to the damn thing, a year later, I'm on it near enough every moment of the day. Maybe, it's my way of taking my anger out. My way, of getting anyway from it all and ignoring everything. My mum doesn't approve of it, my friends don't even think it's natural, but I still do it, regardless. Like I said, I'm not going to change, but perhaps I should listen. Hibernating in this room. Only ever leaving for food and to enter the toilet. Doesn't really sound like much of a life, and perhaps it isn't.

It's weird, really. When you look at everything that stands out in the year, and everything that does stand out, is negative. The main headlines: they're always consisting of lies, deceit, suffering and anything else that comes along those lines. Nothing good ever seems to happen, and this is the way my life sounds. I'm here, moaning about everything and people are reading it and there will come a time, when you just won't want to read anymore. I'm not depressed. I'm perhaps, upset about things. Rejection, I suppose.

At any moment, I can leave this place. I can go call on my friends (although there aren't many), but I've imprisoned myself in here. I used to never stay in. Always out with friends. Then, we moved house. Perhaps, the hardest thing that's ever happened to me and at first, I couldn't handle it all. Sleepless nights and thoughts of suicide. But, now, just thinking about that seems like a helpless cry for attention. As, that's what I'm doing right now, isn't it? Just looking to get your attention.

Everyone wants to be something or someone they're not. Who wouldn't want to have all the money in the world? Who wouldn't want the big house, the fast cars and the fine women? It's something that really films create. This world, where anything can happen. I've grown up more then I can tell. I'm not that little ignorant git, anymore. I'm me. I'll always be me.

Right, I'm sure you've been bored to death.

I'm glad this topic is getting so many replies, as it is a worthwhile topic, and all I can say is I hope the replies help out Mr. Nice Guy, and that I'm off to bed...

Hope all the replies helped you out.

Problems - we all have them esppically at a young age. I am young, I'm in Year 11 and I have problems. But who is creating these problems? Me.

I call them 'problems' but to me they are not problems, they are what I want to do and so I do it. I'm just hoping to make a BIG change in my life vry soon after all school is done with, thats the turning point for all us young people. Its a chance to start a new.

And if I'm right in saying that the starter of this topic is still in school then i suggest that he think about what he wants from life and that he trys to do what he wants and enjoy life at the right time. that right time is whenever you feel like, but for me it is after school and exams is over and done with.

At the moment I just enjoy staying at home, going to my mates house sometimes and enjoying myself there. I don't goto town like I did last year etc as I realised that it was just stupid and boring, my friend also realised that/ But then, like many other young people, he kinda got into drugs and stuff then well, i don;t know really, nothing changed just that was the way he would have a good time, it was social. We still have good times, fun times, without drugs. We always use to say we don't need them as they are for people who need a boast in confidence and being nutters we didn't need them.

I won't ever go into drugs, I promise myself.

To be honest, I feel trapped being young. I can't go places I want, I want a car so I can go places of intrest and have fun there instead of in and around Southend. Music is my love, I can't do much musically now as things are starting up for me and some mates over summer, I look forward to that time I really do and I hope everything goes well. School takes away most my time, drags me down, makes me tired. I am so lazy these days. Music is my love, I can't do much musically now as things are starting up for me and some mates over summer, I look forward to that time I really do and I hope everything goes well.That will all change soon, I promise myself again.

But why is a social life so essential? Why does it seem cool to do certain things? This all ties in with young age and it sucks.

I've probably forgot to meantion LOADS of things here but as time progresses I'll remember.

But back onto the topic, just do whatever you feel right and don't rush things. All good things will come to everyone in their life, enhance it when you can at the right times. These young times are the worst, look forward to the future.

hey, don't say that it is not your place to comment because you are a newbie, as long as what you are saying is intelligent, the colour of your name does not matter...

I feel that as a Newbie it's not really my position to comment but I am pretty certain that most of us here have gone through a very similar situation to you. I know I have. The other thing that makes this relevant is that my brother is going through something just like you, so I'll tell you what I told him.

It would be very cliche of me (I'm sorry, I don't know how to do the acute thing) to give the usual 'don't worry, don't stress, everything'll be fine' line, but it's not always easy to see, still less to implement.

What I would say is that you're doing a far better job of expressing your emotions than I was ever capable of, in mentioning her name and opening up to complete strangers. You might think that at the moment it's all about the cool kids dominating, and because I don't know how old you are this makes it harder, but you would be surprised how quickly things turn around. For me, 'Town' was always going into Manchester to try and sneak into pubs, bars and clubs at the age of 15+, but the whole aesthetics of popularity- what makes someone 'cool'- change quickly. I won't try to guess how old you are in case I'm much mistaken, but it does sound to me the sort of thing I know I just had to sit through until I went to secondary school. Because, as much as you can try, some people will not accept you, but I'm really just talking about boys. You will find that girls mature a lot quicker and are therefore a lot more understanding, but still get very insecure and worry about their own reputation. My advice is not to worry too much about it too much, as this is counter-productive. Go with the flow, keep on being honest, and learn to love yourself. Not in an egotistic way, just to realise that each person is beautiful and one day people will realise that. It beats the hell out of putting on a show to impress people.

I hope some of this is helpful, I know I'm being self-indulgent and selfish by thinking any of this is relevant, but I could not sit by and see someone in such a similar situation to myself a while back, and not give them some advice.

I think Grix had some good points there. In all honesty, it doesn't matter what the other people are going to think or say, it is your life.

Basically screw their preconceptions, it's your life.

Fighting what, exactly? The problem is, people become so stressed and the like, because they're too worried about the set of rules that we've been bought up with, and it troubles our minds to never be free.

What's wrong with standing out, for just one second, and then for that moment be remembered for years to come? Those that think differently of you, why should you be scared of such witless people, those that judge people so easily?

Let your friends choose you, and choose your friends wisely. If anyone hates you for doing something you feel you need to do, then shame on them, not you.

Just another day. Another day, to live, to breathe, to achieve - nothing. Just realising, I'm doing nothing with my life, doesn't really appear as a shock. When you're young, you couldn't wait to get home from school, as you were only there because you had to be. You had no care about your future, nor really even cared, and if you did, you probably wanted to be what your dad is. Then, it suddenly hits you! Am I wasing my life? Am I doing the right thing?

From school idiot, to respected pupil. Makes a dramatic change, which I suppose shows the person I am. Able to understand people. Able to understand how to act to people and react to a situation. Whilst typing this, thousands of thoughts come to mind of past memories as a child, but typing it all seems a waste, as is this going anywhere?

Is anything going anywhere? Can I really accept, that whilst walking down the street, that everything is real? Just looking around, in my room, right now, you see everything that you take for granted and just accept it. Everything no longer seems to real. I'm questioning reality. Does this mean I don't believe in anything? I don't think so, but it sure as hell made me more aware.

When something goes wrong, you just put on a brave smile, as even being depressed to myself seems like a helpless cry for attention - something that you'd see from a child, and I'm no child. I'm me. I'll always be me, but it's what kind of me I'll be, that's a mystery.

After days of waiting, after moments which I found it near impossible to just pick up the phone, I finally took the time to ring her. The only reason I rung her was due to my mate persuading me into it, "What's the worst that can happen", I foolishly thought to myself. Truth is, words are powerful things. Being rejected, being an outsider, whatever you want to call it. Does it make me more unique? At school, everything is different. Everyone acts the way that they should, rather then the way they are. After two months, two months, of talking to one of the nicest people I think I've ever met; everything suddenly turns wrong and it's all a result of other people. Too worried to accept that other people think, so turning it down. I don't even speak to her even half as much, anymore and that hurts, and the reason it hurts so much, is cos it's because of other people, or to be more truthful, it's more because of her, not being able to accept other people.

What kind of friend turns around and says to you that they won't even go into Town with you, because of what other people think? I'm one to always try to see both sides of the arguement, but I can't see another side of this one, then to say that, that person is insensitive and selfish. Selfish, because they're only able to see it from their own opinion. Selfish because they don't think about the effects of what they might be doing and selfish, because they don't even think about it. But what annoys me most, isn't the fact that she won't go into town with me, because of what other people think, but it's because that she then goes and tells people that I asked her afterwards. I'm trying to see logic in this. Let me think about it for a moment. She doesn't want people knowing about it. So, she goes and tells them. Hmm, that makes sense, honest.

I've now been writing about what's happened in the last 6 months, and I'm fed up. Do I just give up? Probably the wisest idea. Do I fight? For what? What would I be fighting for? Fight for a pointless cause?

I thik it was Mouldy Cheese who said "Posts like this rule!" for Ant's Agh.... Post. This post also rules, I can relate to it.

I hope you get praised for it.