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Game developers have come together and decided to bring out a new range of games aimed at the not-so-bright ones among us. Games for the simpletons who have trouble turning their TV's on, let alone figuring a typical Metal Gear Solid dilemma. This range has an all-star cast of games including the following.
FIFA 2003 SE (Simpleton edition)
You start the game with just one team to avoid the confusion of navigating through all those hundreds of clubs. Within this one team you only get to control one player, thus saving the immense skill of actually changing player every time you wish to kick the ball. Pressing directional buttons will suggest to your player which way you want to go, and he will decide whether to obey you or not depending on whether you are asking him to do something sensible. When your player actually has the ball, control is simplified so that he will control himself until he is no longer in posession of it. Free kicks and penalties are also made easier as you just have to press a button and your player will take a decent kick wherever he likes, but still leaving ultimate power to you as you get to choose when he kicks it. Also included are post-match interviews with Beckham to make dim players feel intelligent.
Colin McRae Rally 3 SE
Since the normal version required a good deal of driving skill to master, certain driving aids have been introduced to help out the 'less-gifted'. The first change is invisible cushions along all the tracks that stop your car from leaving the track but actively pull opponents off. As well as auto-braking at corners, there is an additional option for auto-turning where the car steers itself round the corners. Also the AI cars don't exceed 30 mph, and they regularly explode and get flat tires without obvious cause. As an added measure, to ensure that players don't get distracted and worried too easily, the original plan to model the driver as a true likeness of Colin has been canned.
Unreal Tournament 2003 SE
In a bold move, UT developers have made the shock decision to allow the player to control ALL directional movements. This is swiftly countered by the changeover to become a 2D platformer, and the auto-aim facility, which will automatically aim your crosshair at the nearest enemy player, be he in sight or not. The weapons have also been simplified, so you'll now be able to wield the likes of a rolling pin, knife and fork, cucumber, and nuclear bomb.
Final Fantasy X SE
The main character who you control is Fred, the original names for FFX are too hard to read and pronounce and so have been cut in favour of smaller and simpler names. To obviate the obvious need to solve the hard puzzles throughout the game, you actually watch a pre-rendered video sequence of the game's characters completing the missions. To make players really think they are having an input into the game, lights flash and the controller vibrates.
These games should exploit a previously untapped niche in the market, and cater for the gaming needs of all the total idiots around today. They're still too advanced for the techno-illiterate oldies of yesteryear, but just perfect for Joe Bloggs next door who still uses tip-ex on his computer monitor.
The future's bright. The future's simpleton.
FIFA 2003 SE (Simpleton edition)
You start the game with just one team to avoid the confusion of navigating through all those hundreds of clubs. Within this one team you only get to control one player, thus saving the immense skill of actually changing player every time you wish to kick the ball. Pressing directional buttons will suggest to your player which way you want to go, and he will decide whether to obey you or not depending on whether you are asking him to do something sensible. When your player actually has the ball, control is simplified so that he will control himself until he is no longer in posession of it. Free kicks and penalties are also made easier as you just have to press a button and your player will take a decent kick wherever he likes, but still leaving ultimate power to you as you get to choose when he kicks it. Also included are post-match interviews with Beckham to make dim players feel intelligent.
Colin McRae Rally 3 SE
Since the normal version required a good deal of driving skill to master, certain driving aids have been introduced to help out the 'less-gifted'. The first change is invisible cushions along all the tracks that stop your car from leaving the track but actively pull opponents off. As well as auto-braking at corners, there is an additional option for auto-turning where the car steers itself round the corners. Also the AI cars don't exceed 30 mph, and they regularly explode and get flat tires without obvious cause. As an added measure, to ensure that players don't get distracted and worried too easily, the original plan to model the driver as a true likeness of Colin has been canned.
Unreal Tournament 2003 SE
In a bold move, UT developers have made the shock decision to allow the player to control ALL directional movements. This is swiftly countered by the changeover to become a 2D platformer, and the auto-aim facility, which will automatically aim your crosshair at the nearest enemy player, be he in sight or not. The weapons have also been simplified, so you'll now be able to wield the likes of a rolling pin, knife and fork, cucumber, and nuclear bomb.
Final Fantasy X SE
The main character who you control is Fred, the original names for FFX are too hard to read and pronounce and so have been cut in favour of smaller and simpler names. To obviate the obvious need to solve the hard puzzles throughout the game, you actually watch a pre-rendered video sequence of the game's characters completing the missions. To make players really think they are having an input into the game, lights flash and the controller vibrates.
These games should exploit a previously untapped niche in the market, and cater for the gaming needs of all the total idiots around today. They're still too advanced for the techno-illiterate oldies of yesteryear, but just perfect for Joe Bloggs next door who still uses tip-ex on his computer monitor.
The future's bright. The future's simpleton.
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The most classic example of a "simple" game is Dragon's Lair - watch a cartoon for about five minutes and then, when prompted, press a button (left, right, up down or fire). If the correct button is pressed, you continue. If not, game over. Repeat until you've completed it.
If anyone can name a simpler game, I'll be impressed.
If anyone can name a simpler game, I'll be impressed.
Insane Bartender wrote:
> I'm not going to get baited into another gay argument against my point
> of view.
You've already been arguing.
And GAY arguments?.......speak for yourself.
> I'm not going to get baited into another gay argument against my point
> of view.
You've already been arguing.
And GAY arguments?.......speak for yourself.
Little Hobbo wrote:
> Right then, Baldur's Gate 2: Pick up weapon, bash enemies, pick up
> bigger weapon, bash more enemies, refill health, pick up bigger
> weapon, bash more enemies.
Yes, of course.
I'm not going to get baited into another gay argument against my point of view.
> Right then, Baldur's Gate 2: Pick up weapon, bash enemies, pick up
> bigger weapon, bash more enemies, refill health, pick up bigger
> weapon, bash more enemies.
Yes, of course.
I'm not going to get baited into another gay argument against my point of view.
P@st@ wrote:
> which sometimes require thought
it requires thought to get out of bed...
> driving skills
BWAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHHAAAAAA!!
> and improvisation.
riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...
> which sometimes require thought
it requires thought to get out of bed...
> driving skills
BWAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAHHAAAAAA!!
> and improvisation.
riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...
Insane Bartender wrote:
> I beg to differ.
>
> Pick up gun, steal car from person who offers no resistance, drive
> around aimlessley, pick up person/shoot someone, run away.
>
> Of course, top class gaming experience. Honest.
Right then, Baldur's Gate 2: Pick up weapon, bash enemies, pick up bigger weapon, bash more enemies, refill health, pick up bigger weapon, bash more enemies.
Now that is as accurate a representation of Baldur's Gate as your inept comments about GTA3.
> I beg to differ.
>
> Pick up gun, steal car from person who offers no resistance, drive
> around aimlessley, pick up person/shoot someone, run away.
>
> Of course, top class gaming experience. Honest.
Right then, Baldur's Gate 2: Pick up weapon, bash enemies, pick up bigger weapon, bash more enemies, refill health, pick up bigger weapon, bash more enemies.
Now that is as accurate a representation of Baldur's Gate as your inept comments about GTA3.
But, the bulk of the game isn't that, Its to do specific missions which sometimes require thought, driving skills and improvisation.
I beg to differ.
Pick up gun, steal car from person who offers no resistance, drive around aimlessley, pick up person/shoot someone, run away.
Of course, top class gaming experience. Honest.
Pick up gun, steal car from person who offers no resistance, drive around aimlessley, pick up person/shoot someone, run away.
Of course, top class gaming experience. Honest.
Insane Bartender wrote:
> Yes, I played GTA3 on my PC for about 10 minutes. PLayed the PS2
> version for a while longer than that though.
Even if you don't like it, it's not exactly for simpletons.
> Yes, I played GTA3 on my PC for about 10 minutes. PLayed the PS2
> version for a while longer than that though.
Even if you don't like it, it's not exactly for simpletons.
Yes, I played GTA3 on my PC for about 10 minutes. PLayed the PS2 version for a while longer than that though.
It's pants, in my opinion of course.
Doshin I gave about 5 hours. I've never been so insulted in all my life, and I was sorely tempted to ask for a refund for the hours I spent on it, which would be worth about £100.
It's pants, in my opinion of course.
Doshin I gave about 5 hours. I've never been so insulted in all my life, and I was sorely tempted to ask for a refund for the hours I spent on it, which would be worth about £100.
Insane Bartender wrote:
> Sony simpletons you mean.
If byou insist on calling them that.
I have GTA3 for the PC, and although it isn't the best game I've played, it is still a very respectable title. I've had a lot of fun on it.
> Sony simpletons you mean.
If byou insist on calling them that.
I have GTA3 for the PC, and although it isn't the best game I've played, it is still a very respectable title. I've had a lot of fun on it.
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