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Game developers have come together and decided to bring out a new range of games aimed at the not-so-bright ones among us. Games for the simpletons who have trouble turning their TV's on, let alone figuring a typical Metal Gear Solid dilemma. This range has an all-star cast of games including the following.
FIFA 2003 SE (Simpleton edition)
You start the game with just one team to avoid the confusion of navigating through all those hundreds of clubs. Within this one team you only get to control one player, thus saving the immense skill of actually changing player every time you wish to kick the ball. Pressing directional buttons will suggest to your player which way you want to go, and he will decide whether to obey you or not depending on whether you are asking him to do something sensible. When your player actually has the ball, control is simplified so that he will control himself until he is no longer in posession of it. Free kicks and penalties are also made easier as you just have to press a button and your player will take a decent kick wherever he likes, but still leaving ultimate power to you as you get to choose when he kicks it. Also included are post-match interviews with Beckham to make dim players feel intelligent.
Colin McRae Rally 3 SE
Since the normal version required a good deal of driving skill to master, certain driving aids have been introduced to help out the 'less-gifted'. The first change is invisible cushions along all the tracks that stop your car from leaving the track but actively pull opponents off. As well as auto-braking at corners, there is an additional option for auto-turning where the car steers itself round the corners. Also the AI cars don't exceed 30 mph, and they regularly explode and get flat tires without obvious cause. As an added measure, to ensure that players don't get distracted and worried too easily, the original plan to model the driver as a true likeness of Colin has been canned.
Unreal Tournament 2003 SE
In a bold move, UT developers have made the shock decision to allow the player to control ALL directional movements. This is swiftly countered by the changeover to become a 2D platformer, and the auto-aim facility, which will automatically aim your crosshair at the nearest enemy player, be he in sight or not. The weapons have also been simplified, so you'll now be able to wield the likes of a rolling pin, knife and fork, cucumber, and nuclear bomb.
Final Fantasy X SE
The main character who you control is Fred, the original names for FFX are too hard to read and pronounce and so have been cut in favour of smaller and simpler names. To obviate the obvious need to solve the hard puzzles throughout the game, you actually watch a pre-rendered video sequence of the game's characters completing the missions. To make players really think they are having an input into the game, lights flash and the controller vibrates.
These games should exploit a previously untapped niche in the market, and cater for the gaming needs of all the total idiots around today. They're still too advanced for the techno-illiterate oldies of yesteryear, but just perfect for Joe Bloggs next door who still uses tip-ex on his computer monitor.
The future's bright. The future's simpleton.
FIFA 2003 SE (Simpleton edition)
You start the game with just one team to avoid the confusion of navigating through all those hundreds of clubs. Within this one team you only get to control one player, thus saving the immense skill of actually changing player every time you wish to kick the ball. Pressing directional buttons will suggest to your player which way you want to go, and he will decide whether to obey you or not depending on whether you are asking him to do something sensible. When your player actually has the ball, control is simplified so that he will control himself until he is no longer in posession of it. Free kicks and penalties are also made easier as you just have to press a button and your player will take a decent kick wherever he likes, but still leaving ultimate power to you as you get to choose when he kicks it. Also included are post-match interviews with Beckham to make dim players feel intelligent.
Colin McRae Rally 3 SE
Since the normal version required a good deal of driving skill to master, certain driving aids have been introduced to help out the 'less-gifted'. The first change is invisible cushions along all the tracks that stop your car from leaving the track but actively pull opponents off. As well as auto-braking at corners, there is an additional option for auto-turning where the car steers itself round the corners. Also the AI cars don't exceed 30 mph, and they regularly explode and get flat tires without obvious cause. As an added measure, to ensure that players don't get distracted and worried too easily, the original plan to model the driver as a true likeness of Colin has been canned.
Unreal Tournament 2003 SE
In a bold move, UT developers have made the shock decision to allow the player to control ALL directional movements. This is swiftly countered by the changeover to become a 2D platformer, and the auto-aim facility, which will automatically aim your crosshair at the nearest enemy player, be he in sight or not. The weapons have also been simplified, so you'll now be able to wield the likes of a rolling pin, knife and fork, cucumber, and nuclear bomb.
Final Fantasy X SE
The main character who you control is Fred, the original names for FFX are too hard to read and pronounce and so have been cut in favour of smaller and simpler names. To obviate the obvious need to solve the hard puzzles throughout the game, you actually watch a pre-rendered video sequence of the game's characters completing the missions. To make players really think they are having an input into the game, lights flash and the controller vibrates.
These games should exploit a previously untapped niche in the market, and cater for the gaming needs of all the total idiots around today. They're still too advanced for the techno-illiterate oldies of yesteryear, but just perfect for Joe Bloggs next door who still uses tip-ex on his computer monitor.
The future's bright. The future's simpleton.
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Insane Bartender wrote:
> Sony simpletons you mean.
Im not a simpeltun Sonee pleystashun rooles.
Grand feft orto iz thu best.
> Sony simpletons you mean.
Im not a simpeltun Sonee pleystashun rooles.
Grand feft orto iz thu best.
The Fifa one made me laugh so hard I nearly choked to death on my Dr Pepper. I have an ear infection, you don't understand how much it hurts to laugh.
*cries*
*cries*
I bet this wins the GAD tomorrow.
Heh, nice post Hobbo. Thing is though, funny how you and IB can have a massive argument over a simple post (*Ba-dum-tisch*. Heh, you see what I did there..... I'll get going now....)
Kyz22 wrote:
> Great post there :-)
Cheers!! :-)
> Great post there :-)
Cheers!! :-)
Insane Bartender wrote:
> whatever.
>
> you don't like my view, don't bother reading it in future. It's far
> better for your blood pressure than simply rebutting my posts like an
> infantile buffoon.
Oh grow up. I have been posting remarkably mild posts to refute your biased view of a game. My blood pressure has never risen, and I have not posted anything worthy of an infantile buffoon.
> "NO IT IS GOOD BECAUSE I PLAYED IT AND LIKED IT"
>
> fair enough, you like GTA. I think it's pants. Why do you have to make
> such a big deal?
I have made no big deal of it. I made it a very small deal in fact. Read this thread again and you'll discover that.
> You think I should be afraid of the Sony lovers? Hah. Not in this
> lifetime sunshine.
I never even insinuated that you were afraid of them, merely that you were posting deliberately controversial material.
> Don't like what you're reading, read something else. It's not hard.
I have no problem with reading your comments, it just seems that you can't cope with mine without geting stressed.
> whatever.
>
> you don't like my view, don't bother reading it in future. It's far
> better for your blood pressure than simply rebutting my posts like an
> infantile buffoon.
Oh grow up. I have been posting remarkably mild posts to refute your biased view of a game. My blood pressure has never risen, and I have not posted anything worthy of an infantile buffoon.
> "NO IT IS GOOD BECAUSE I PLAYED IT AND LIKED IT"
>
> fair enough, you like GTA. I think it's pants. Why do you have to make
> such a big deal?
I have made no big deal of it. I made it a very small deal in fact. Read this thread again and you'll discover that.
> You think I should be afraid of the Sony lovers? Hah. Not in this
> lifetime sunshine.
I never even insinuated that you were afraid of them, merely that you were posting deliberately controversial material.
> Don't like what you're reading, read something else. It's not hard.
I have no problem with reading your comments, it just seems that you can't cope with mine without geting stressed.
Great post there :-)
I mean a fairly new game! Pong was one of the first games ever - of course it was going to be simple!
Unbeliever wrote:
> The most classic example of a "simple" game is Dragon's Lair
> - watch a cartoon for about five minutes and then, when prompted,
> press a button (left, right, up down or fire). If the correct button
> is pressed, you continue. If not, game over. Repeat until you've
> completed it.
>
> If anyone can name a simpler game, I'll be impressed.
PONG
> The most classic example of a "simple" game is Dragon's Lair
> - watch a cartoon for about five minutes and then, when prompted,
> press a button (left, right, up down or fire). If the correct button
> is pressed, you continue. If not, game over. Repeat until you've
> completed it.
>
> If anyone can name a simpler game, I'll be impressed.
PONG
whatever.
you don't like my view, don't bother reading it in future. It's far better for your blood pressure than simply rebutting my posts like an infantile buffoon.
"NO IT IS GOOD BECAUSE I PLAYED IT AND LIKED IT"
fair enough, you like GTA. I think it's pants. Why do you have to make such a big deal?
You think I should be afraid of the Sony lovers? Hah. Not in this lifetime sunshine.
Don't like what you're reading, read something else. It's not hard.
you don't like my view, don't bother reading it in future. It's far better for your blood pressure than simply rebutting my posts like an infantile buffoon.
"NO IT IS GOOD BECAUSE I PLAYED IT AND LIKED IT"
fair enough, you like GTA. I think it's pants. Why do you have to make such a big deal?
You think I should be afraid of the Sony lovers? Hah. Not in this lifetime sunshine.
Don't like what you're reading, read something else. It's not hard.
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