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"FoG Story - Battle Royale"

Headteacher Tony called out the register on the school bus. He was expecting some comical replies, these being the unruliest collection of schoolchildren (and teachers) that he had ever seen, but there were none. He suspected this was because the top 100 posters table doesn’t copy and paste very well at all, and the writer was a bit pushed for time.

Ratably Skink
Grix Thrives
Goatboy
Kid Rock
Turbonutter
Ant
Er-no
Your Honor
Sniper
Wookie
FantasyMeister
Meka Dragon
Ortaga
Sheepy
Mystique
AfroJoe
Ice Blaster
Tiltawhirl
Dan2K2 (Tony thought what stupid names all these people had)
SSXpro
Bonus
Tony…Oh, that was him. Cool. It sounded like a fun trip anyway, going to the zoo and all.
Stryke
Dringo
Strafex
Starlight
Longy…Tony couldn’t pronounce the two letters on the end of his name, so he just ignored them.
Time Warp
Mattyboy
The Game
Armitage Shanks
Pb
Pro Evo
Big slow
DeltaJava
SonicRav
Jetster
The Vottanator
Venombyte
ResEvil Fan
Reaper
Triple H
Fish-e
I am The Tarrent
Seifer
Slaveunit
Edgy
Fogmaster
Aliboy
Grandprix
Beware the toast
David
Adrian
Lord Semegal…Damn rich kids.
Joe Dark…Damn secret agents in training
Talkie Toaster…Damn novelty gifts
M16
Nw Jimmy
CDouch
Sibs
Slik
Mouldy Cheese…what a handsome guy
Twain
GasMark
Natbuc
Weird Wonder
Beanz
Cookie Monster…Wookies cousin, Tony assumed.
Cooky
Little Hedgehog
Shocktrooper
Mr. Snuggly…one of the teachers
Doughnut Monster
Magma Dragoon
Slipknot…He was currently smashing his head against the wall of the bus.
Monkey With Attitude
Solskjar 24
Vai
Shadow
Nomad Soul
Mr. Nice Guy
Quazimodo
Asher D
Monkey Man
Majk
Whooo Style
Rickoss
Iguana
Ben Hodgettes...what a gimp, Tony thinks.
Willow
Cjh
Darkness 2k
Lefback
Mantis
CJC
Uncle Albert
Snoop Doggy Dan
JaCee UK
Uksgamer2002
Golden Rhino

Whoo…long list that, thinks Tony. 99 of the little schmucks, + him = 100 people. How would they all fit into the zoo? It can’t be a very big zoo…Tony, an expert in farm animals, had never heard of it. Tony ducked as Monkey With Attitude swung over his head. He was used to all these animal like humans by now.

Tony takes a long sip on his drink, handily supplied by one of the suit clad government men who had insisted they come on the trip. In fact, they were funding the whole thing, which was pretty nice of them. Reminded him of a film he once watched actually…

Tony was just thinking how goddamn nice it was that they were funding it, when the door of the bus swung open, and a figure, silhouetted by sunlight, walked in the door.

Tony sighed. Shaneo was back, despite being expelled 6 times already.

“Shaneo, what are you doing back here?”

The figure looked uneasy, and replied in a Homer Simpson Double voice “Shaneo? Who is zis Shaneo? My name is Saleeva. I have a girlfriend, and I am in a band.”

He must have a new address. Damn Microsoft, giving away houses for free.

“Alright, Saleeva, come aboard. You may as well”.

Shaneo smiled, and took the last seat on the bus.

----

Soon, the drinks drugged by the government officials started to take effect. All 101 characters fell into a deep slumber.

----

Sheepy woke up in a hut. His first attempt at thought was to try and remember how much he had drunk last night – why else would he wake up lying on the floor? Sheepy rolled over onto one side, looking for anyone else. No one there. Damn. A sudden horror rushed through Sheep’s body, prompting him to jump up and look out the hut windows. No sheep. Thank God for that. He’d never lived it down after the first time.

Then he remembered – wasn’t he supposed to be at the zoo about now? Or had he managed to get drunk before he got there? The last thing he remembered was thinking how comfortable the coach seats looked…

His questions were answered by a sheet of paper he found lying where his prone body had been. It was A4, printed in black ink.

Sheepy prayed for it not to be a homework assignment.

The note read:

YOU have been selected to take part in Rattle Boyale. You have no choice about this. You will see that you have been given a weapon. The weapon is different for different people. You will not need to eat or drink, because it would just hinder the story. Basically, you all have to kill each other. The last man standing is the winner.

You cannot post more than once a day, and you cannot kill off more than one character per post. Don’t kill off people just because you don’t like them, and if you can’t remember who’s been killed off then ask me to send you a list.

Anyone can post in this story, unless I decide that you suck.

---

Sheepy looked around, and he saw his weapon. A bottle of Vodka. He decided that it would be a better weapon when empty, so he popped the top off with a *click*.

Update as of 2:09pm 27/2/02

Majk - DEAD - 4:40pm - 20/2/02
Jester - DEAD - 6:07pm - 20/2/02
Sniper - DEAD - 10:31pm - 20/2/02
Doughnut Monster - DEAD - 9:08am - 21/2/02
Shadow - DEAD - 4:13pm - 21/2/02
GasMask - DEAD - 6:39pm - 21/2/02
cjh - DEAD - 5:02pm - 24/2/02
Ice Blaster - DEAD - 7:59pm - 26/2/02
Reaper - DEAD - 9:11pm - 26/2/02
GroovyCarrot - DEAD - 9:37pm - 26/2/02

10 down - 92 to go (I think)

Mr. Snuggly, the English teacher, was lost. He was looking for his boss, Tony after they had been split up a while back. He could remember it clearly.................

The two had been lazing back in hammocks near the fields.

"Snuggles, I'm bored."

"Yeah, me too."

"Do you wanna play a game?"

Snuggly got up with a start, excited at the prospects of what this game might be.

"Hell yes!" he said.

"Me too," said Tony. Mr. Snuggly waited impatiently.

"Well? What's the game?"

"What do you mean what is it? I haven't thought of one, I just asked if you wanted play!"

"Grrrrrrr"

"Grrrrrrrr"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrr"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!"

They were having a grr-ing contest, to see who could last longest. The two then engaged in a fist-fight, one that was quite pathetic. They got split up when a flying knife from the hands of Edgy cut off Tony's tie, who ran off screaming.


The thing was, Mr. nuggly liked Tony at heart, and wanted to find him to make up. But it was hopeless. Mr. Snuggly lied down in the barn with War and Peace for a bit. Suddenly, he heard a rustling.


"Hello? Who's there"

No reply.

He walked over to the leaves were he had heard the noise.

"Tony, get your @rse up, I can see your leggings."

Tony got up.

"Are they that obvious?"

"Yes. Listen, this is stupid, I think we should team up and win this battle and-"

"No! Never! After I kill you, I will do the same to all the others and then I'll........."

Tony rambled on with his boring speech for ages. Snuggly lied back down with War and Peace.

Snuggly woke up with a start. It was 5:00, and Tony was still talking to himself about something.

"Will you keep quiet! I'm trying to sleep!"

Snuggly threw the book, and when he woke up would see Tony lying in a heap of blood and leaves.

Snuggly had always been good at Javelin.

I'll write a part when I get home :0)

ROFL! I must be cursed, because I was going to do one called "Battle Fogale." Ah well - it doesn't matter, yours rules anyway :0)

Insomnia was bored, and feeling a bit left out perched where he was on the other side of the island from everyone else.

Wondering where the island had actually come from and where his nice silicon-filled bedroom had run off to, he idly surveyed the scarred landscape.

Hum, he thought. Chicken nuggets. Following the smell, he found his way to a large abandoned warehouse and peered in. Iguana had a deep fat frier and a bag of chicken nuggets.

Mmm. Breakfast.

Appearing from the shadows and complimenting her on her hair, Insomnia asked her if he could have a few with some ketchup.

Unexpectedly Iguana turned on him.

"Certainly, but the ketchup shall have to be your own blood," she growled. Pulling a large sickle-shaped object that was almost certainly a sickle from behind the deep fat frier.

Launching herself towards him she stabbed the sickle-shaped object worryingly close to his stomach. He threw himself backwards. Squeaking "fwah!", he ran out of the door.

"Pah," said Iguana, "I'll get him next time."

She threw the sickle-shaped object towards the window. It was lighter than she expected, and flew straight through.

If it hadn't been for his training with the great Baroness Necat of the Lake, Insomnia would have been dead by now. He blinked a bit and went off on a search for less dangerous chicken nugget establishments.

As he wandered off, he caught out of the corner of his eye the glint of what the narrator is now bored of referring to as the sickle-shaped object and furthermore will simply call the sickle flying towards the skull of GroovyCarrot, who was hidden in the nearby bushes.

"Aa... are you okay?" asked Insomnia worriedly as his skull dripped ketchup a bit.

"I'm sorry, I'm fine, I'm fine.." said the Carrot as he collapsed in a rather nasty pile of carrot juice.

10 down, 92 or something to go.

Iguana was bored. She'd found this funny sickle-shaped sickle type object that looked like a sickle in her room. But it wasn't very fun. It didn't do anything if you prodded it, and it certainly wasn't attractive. So she had wandered outside. It was a junkheap. Iguana wasn't very pleased about this. Shouldn't it be pretty with flowers. And stuff. The stuff was important. She had decided to go and find said flowers. Maybe the sickle-shaped object would help her.

So here she was. She had found a rock. On a hill. With a lack of things to do, she had decided to sit on it. And wait. Surely a friend would be along soon to complement her on her hair or her breasts.

Some bullets thudded into the ground beside her. Iguana was puzzled at this. She got out her map and tried to see if she was in an army testing ground. She wasn't. Strange. She got up and walked towards the direction which the bullets had come from. Some more bullets shattered the rock she had been sitting on. Damn, she had liked that rock. It wasn't flowers, but it was nice.

So she was walking towards the bullets.

"DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!" yelled a voice.

Iguana thought this was stupid. So she went closer.

"I'M WARNING YOU!"

"Yes, thats right." said Iguana. This person was obviously deranged.

She dropped her sickle-shaped object. As she bent to pick it up Golden Rhino burst from a bush behind her and jumped, spinning an axe in his hand. At that moment the person-with-the-gun-type-object fired. Golden Rhino copped a bullet in the leg, poor chap. He cursed and ran off. Iguana was angry at this. He hadn't even paid her a compliment on her hair. Or breasts.

She was bored of the sickle-shaped sickle object. So she threw it away. A gurgle sound came from the bush, and Reaper staggered out, sickle in his throat, sniper rifle in hand.

"Oh it's you." he said. "Nice hair."

And then he died. Iguana was puzzled at this. So she picked up the sickle-shaped object. She was beginning to have suspicions that it was a sickle. She took the sniper rifle as well, because it was pink.

9 down, 93 to go.

Monkey man swung through the trees of the local forest, desperately hungry. Scratching his head, he noticed a banana, in fact, a whole bunch of bananas! Just sitting there. He swooped over to them, but noticed a cobra jump in front of the fruit, slightly scaring monkey man. The two animals stared at each other and started to talk.

"Ooka-ka ooga booga?"

"SSss," replied the snake "Sssss, sssss tsssewwwwww"

"How-a wooka, yum yum"

"s-ss-s-ssss"

"Aiiiiii! Bra-n BRAAM!"

As you can tell, the two clearly understood each other. Monkey man, laid back in the tree, with the cobra wrapped his leg, eating the many bananas, one by one. The two carried on chatting, and were having a great time, talking about which second of Raging Bull was the best. It soon came apparent to monkey man that no one would come. He had come here to kill some people to win the battle royale, but he now saw that things like that didn’t matter. He had made a friend, and had had fun, which to him was more important then anything else.

He suddenly heard a noise, and hid with his monkey behind a branch. From around a bush appeared Ice Blaster, who was carrying, well, an ice blaster, which he hoped to blast people with, and make them, er, icy. Monkey man saw this as an opportunity. But then he made what he thought was a vital mistake. He had dropped a banana peel. In fact, several. But then Ice Blaster tripped over them. The cobra leaped out of the tree and poisoned Ice Blaster, but got blasted in the process. It was sad. Monkey’s best friend had died. But bananas were more important. So he ate. And waited.

Mouldy Cheese wandered through the village, Magnum in either hand. He wasn't going to let this story pass without him actually getting to be a rock hard Clint Eastwood style fellow, was he?

Strangely, the village was deserted. There was a surprising lack of bodys on the floor, considering that this was supposed to be a major killing ground. Cheese deduced that this was because only one person could be killed in each post, so a massacre was out of the question.

"I'm Bill Hicks, and I'm dead now".

What the hell? The noise seemed to have come from nearby, but Cheese couldn

"Because I smoked cigerettes".

It was coming from a nearby hut. Bill Hicks? Goatboy must have lost his marbles again. Ah well, easy kill then.

"Cigerettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non smokers kicked the..."

A clap of thunder exploded overhead, despite the lack of any kind of storm at all.

"out of me one night. I tried to run, but they had more energy than I".

Cheese tiptoed up the the window of the hut, and reloaded his magnums. Better safe than sorry.

"I tried to hide, but they heard me wheezing. But now i'm in heaven..."

Cheese cut the voice off by popping his head up to window level. Cheese then fainted and fell over with shock as he saw who was actually talking. It hadn't been Goatboy, not at all. It had been...

Bill Hicks himself stuck his head out of the window, investigating the noise Cheese made while falling. He had a cigerette in his mouth, but no weapon in hand.

The Hickster walked over to Cheeses fallen body, lifted him up, and took him inside the hut.

--

Cheese came to a few minutes later. Bill had layed him out on the table in the hut.

Mouldy summed up his thoughts in a few brief words. "What the hell?"

Bill paused for a second then replied. "I don't know myself. The last thing I remember, I was...well, dead actually".

Hicks let the thought hang in the air.

"So...tell you what, lets skip the long pieces of half funny dialogue, and just team up, eh? Might as well".

"Do you smoke, Cheesey man?"

"Yes", Cheese lied.

"Then we can team up then. Smokey and the smokers, we'll call ourselves".

Before Cheese could offer up a better name, Goatboy fell through the door, fag in mouth. Goatboy explained his current situation (sprawled on the floor of the hut for no apparent reason) by holding out the fag and gasping "This is what they gave me for a weapon". Cheese also noticed that he had a yellow name badge on, instead of the purple one most others had.

Cjh, not knowing that Goaty had reached the smokers sanctuary, ran in after the fallen rant expert. Before he even saw the two figures in the shadows, a pair of bullets from a pair of magnums hit his pair of spherical objects between his pair of legs.

"Dude, that's just creul".

Cheese put a final bullet in Cjhs head.

Elsewhere, Sheepy fell to the floor, comatose. His bottle of vodka was now empty.

7 down, 1 appeared, and so 95 to go.

---

This topic is dying for er-nos classic 'and then er-no ran in and killed everyone'. But now that I've said it, the comedy value is lost.

GasMask was hiding in one of the huts of the abandoned village. He had no idea why it was abandoned, but he presumed that it was because of global warming. Everything was global warmings fault, according to the Green Party. GasMask stroked his cat. Then he realised he was supposed to be stroking his Uzi lovingly, so he did. Then he looked out of the window.

"Who's there?" he yelled.

"No-one." came the reply.

" h. Fair enough then." GasMask was pleased by this. It meant he didn't have to get up, and he was enjoying the Babylon Spa foot massage he was getting.

" Hey..." GasMask realised something. Then the hut rocked as machine gun fire slammed into it. GasMask threw himself to the floor and started to crawl towards the door. He rolled out of it and levelled his Uzi at the attacker. Or, he would have, if he hadn't dropped it.

"Damn." GasMask wasn't the brightest of children. The attacker smiled. GasMask realised who it was. Pb.

"Ah, pb!" GasMask smiled. Pb was a mate. Nothing would happen to him when pb was around. " Pb, there's someone attacking me."

Pb shrugged, machine gun clenched in one hand.

"Care to help me look?" said GasMask, and then he was thrown backwards as Pb unleashed a hail of bullets into him. GasMask groaned.

"Pb, help, someone's shot me...Argh, gurgle."

GasMask was dead, poor chap. Pb shook his head, partly because the guy was so dopey, and partly because no-one actually said Argh.

Pb went and had a foot massage. It was quite good, actually.

6 down, 95 to go.

Doughnut, that was a bit of a copy of mine...