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1. A man is walking along a path at find there is a tree in his way... it's impassable! He sees a Wrinkled, old woman at the bottom and hears her exclaim
" Kiss me or climb the tree to success "
He obviously climbs the tree.
On an upper branch he sees a slighty attractive women. She is heard to exclaim
"Kiss me or climb the tree to success" so he again climbs the tree!
On yet another branch there is a drop dead gorgeous women and she sexually says
" Kiss me or climb the tree to success " He thinks if she's here whats on the next branch so he ascends the tree!
On the next branch he sees a naked, wrinkled, old man!
He says in a creepy voice " Hi, I'm Cess! "
2. A man asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," says the child, bursting into tears.
Confused his father says "What's wrong"
"Oh Dad" he sobs. "When I was 6 I got the !there's no such thing as Santa speech! At 7 I got the !there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny speech! and at 8 I got !There's no such thing as the tooth fairy speech! If you're gonna tell me that adults don't really have sex then there's nothing left for me to live for"
" Kiss me or climb the tree to success "
He obviously climbs the tree.
On an upper branch he sees a slighty attractive women. She is heard to exclaim
"Kiss me or climb the tree to success" so he again climbs the tree!
On yet another branch there is a drop dead gorgeous women and she sexually says
" Kiss me or climb the tree to success " He thinks if she's here whats on the next branch so he ascends the tree!
On the next branch he sees a naked, wrinkled, old man!
He says in a creepy voice " Hi, I'm Cess! "
2. A man asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," says the child, bursting into tears.
Confused his father says "What's wrong"
"Oh Dad" he sobs. "When I was 6 I got the !there's no such thing as Santa speech! At 7 I got the !there's no such thing as the Easter Bunny speech! and at 8 I got !There's no such thing as the tooth fairy speech! If you're gonna tell me that adults don't really have sex then there's nothing left for me to live for"
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LOL i read the second one yesterday from some where
My turn...
There is a bear chasing a rabbit around the woods when they accidently stumble over some object poking out the ground. After a little bit of investigation, rubbing the dust off, they discover it's a lamp. Only this is no ordinary lamp, as they rub the dust off who should appear but a genie!
The genie thanks the bear and rabbit for saving him (he's been trapped in the lamp for so so long - you know how it is.) So as a reward he allows the bear and rabbit each three wishes.
The bear being the more greedy one goes first and quickly without thinking wishes for all the bears in the forest to be female. Genie clicks his fingers and it is done.
Rabbit wishes for... a motorcycle helmet... despite being confused to why the rabbit would want a motorcycle helmet, when he could wish for money to buy it with, he gives him it anyway.
The bear than changes his mind about his last wish and blurts out "actually I want all the bears in the COUNTRY to be females." The last wish still counts however so now he only has one wish left. The rabbit then wishes for a motorcycle. Again the bear and the genie are a bit confused to why he wants this but nevertheless he gives him it anyway.
Then the greedy bear changes his mind again and wishes for all the bears in the WORLD to be females. The bear pulls out a comb and brushes his hair, and freshens his breath. "Time to go out on the pull!" he smiles happily. At the same time, the rabbit puts his helmet on his head, buckles it up and gets on to his motorcycle.
The rabbit revs the engine several times.
"Where are you going?" says the genie. "You still have one wish! Don't you want it?"
"Of course I want it," smiles the rabbit.
"What is your wish then?"
The rabbit grins evily at the bear, laughs at him. Then makes his wish. "I wish the bear was gay."
He then puts his foot down on the accelerator and disappears into the distance.
I've got another one but it's material is rather crude and would have no place on this forum. It's also quite sick :/ mate told me it a few weeks ago.
There is a bear chasing a rabbit around the woods when they accidently stumble over some object poking out the ground. After a little bit of investigation, rubbing the dust off, they discover it's a lamp. Only this is no ordinary lamp, as they rub the dust off who should appear but a genie!
The genie thanks the bear and rabbit for saving him (he's been trapped in the lamp for so so long - you know how it is.) So as a reward he allows the bear and rabbit each three wishes.
The bear being the more greedy one goes first and quickly without thinking wishes for all the bears in the forest to be female. Genie clicks his fingers and it is done.
Rabbit wishes for... a motorcycle helmet... despite being confused to why the rabbit would want a motorcycle helmet, when he could wish for money to buy it with, he gives him it anyway.
The bear than changes his mind about his last wish and blurts out "actually I want all the bears in the COUNTRY to be females." The last wish still counts however so now he only has one wish left. The rabbit then wishes for a motorcycle. Again the bear and the genie are a bit confused to why he wants this but nevertheless he gives him it anyway.
Then the greedy bear changes his mind again and wishes for all the bears in the WORLD to be females. The bear pulls out a comb and brushes his hair, and freshens his breath. "Time to go out on the pull!" he smiles happily. At the same time, the rabbit puts his helmet on his head, buckles it up and gets on to his motorcycle.
The rabbit revs the engine several times.
"Where are you going?" says the genie. "You still have one wish! Don't you want it?"
"Of course I want it," smiles the rabbit.
"What is your wish then?"
The rabbit grins evily at the bear, laughs at him. Then makes his wish. "I wish the bear was gay."
He then puts his foot down on the accelerator and disappears into the distance.
I've got another one but it's material is rather crude and would have no place on this forum. It's also quite sick :/ mate told me it a few weeks ago.
Good very good!
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
None... it's probably screwed in to tight anyway!
How many pessimists does it take to change a light bulb?
None... it's probably screwed in to tight anyway!
A man is in bed with his wife at 2am. Suddenly there is a knocking at his door. Grudgenly, the man gets out of bed and goes down to answer it. When he opens the door everything is pitch black and he can't see a thing. A man says to him "Can you give me a push?" He says "No! It's 2am!" and went up to bed. At 3am someone knocked on his door, and he went down again and answered. The same voice said "Can you give me a push?" "No!" and he went back up to bed. Then at 4am there was a knocking at the door. Sick to death, his wife said "Remember when our car broke down, if someone hadn't come and pushed we would've been stuck. I think you should go down and help this bloke out" So the man drudges downstairs and opens the door. "Are you still there?" "Yes" "Do you still need a push?" "Yes" "Where are you?" "Over here on the swing"
A blind man walks into a shop and picks up his guide dog. He starts to swing the dog around.
The shop keeper he is very confused says " can I help you sir" to which the blind man replys... "No just looking around"
What do the gas board and a pelican have in common?
They can bothe stick their bill up their a**e!
2 fat men are in a pub. one says to the other "Your round"
The other one says "so are you, you fat ba****d!"
The shop keeper he is very confused says " can I help you sir" to which the blind man replys... "No just looking around"
What do the gas board and a pelican have in common?
They can bothe stick their bill up their a**e!
2 fat men are in a pub. one says to the other "Your round"
The other one says "so are you, you fat ba****d!"
Grabbed off the webby:
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to a twenty something man, a thirty something man, and a forty something woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took the younger man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife! I love her! She means the world to me!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the older man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances ", they explained to the second man Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I mean she's been a wonderful wife to me, and a fantastic mother to the kids. I'm sorry, but I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the lazy chump to death with the chair!"
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to a twenty something man, a thirty something man, and a forty something woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took the younger man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife! I love her! She means the world to me!" "Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the older man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances ", they explained to the second man Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I mean she's been a wonderful wife to me, and a fantastic mother to the kids. I'm sorry, but I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the lazy chump to death with the chair!"
those jokes were sick yet amusing
A man walks up to a slave called donkey and says
"Why does you master call you that"
The man replys
"'Cos he aw.. he aw.. he always calls me donkey!
"Why does you master call you that"
The man replys
"'Cos he aw.. he aw.. he always calls me donkey!
Rasta... sad to say this but I'm not FFF I'm WW... Weird Wonder! You told us the fact and I came out with the comment The Anus Theory... so by rights it's mine! I know you used it as a tag but I thought it would make a better user name!
CYA!
CYA!
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