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You may think of consoles as nothing more than harmless machines capable only of playing games (PS2 DVD! DVD!). Well you'd be wrong. VERY WRONG! And you'll discover the absolute horror of what can happen...
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
The Game thought he was a very lucky boy when he managed to get hold of a Sega Dreamcast, with it's wide range of top quality titles, but he didn't know about the horror he was about to experience....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
That's right, The Game was happily playing Daytona USA 2001, racing around at top speed, enjoying the thrills and excitement of the game when tragedy struck! On a particularly tight corner The Game moved his whole body to the left, hoping it would somehow make him turn sharper, the pad in his hands was pulled too far, the lead went tight, and the Dreamcast fell towards the floor.
The Game, being a wise gamer has prepared for such an event, after trashing his Atari Jaguar in the very same way years earlier, The Game had palced a small trampoline beneath the unit which housed his Dreamcast.
The Dreamcast hit the trampoline, bounced into the air, and The Game felt it's full force as it stuck him of the head, knocking him down onto the floor.
The Game was lucky that he had a relatively curvatious console, the sharp edges of a NES could have made these a fatal accident.
the Game will be more careful in future, because he knows what can happen....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
Ant also knows of the disasters that can occur....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
After purchasing a shiny new Playstation 2 Ant was over the moon. Not only could he play top class games, but he could also watch DVDs. Ant was amazed by his PS2. It was smaller than he had envisioned, and looked so damn smart.
Ant pressed the button to openthe disc tray again and again, the fluidity of the movement, the incredibly smoothness, it was awesome.
Ant pressed that button again and again, moving closer and closer, until inevitable disaster! Ant had moved his head too close to the tray, and as it came out so elegantly, it colided with Ant's jaw. He was truely gob-smacked!
Ant won't get so close to his console in future now that he knows the tragic events that happen....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
Grix Thraves thought he was a very lucky chap when he happened upon an import Gameboy Advance at a reasonable price in a store deep in rural Wales, but he was unaware of the absolute ghastliness that can occur....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
Grix Thraves wasn't stupid, he was quite capable of doing two things at once, whistling whilst making tea, singing whilst washing in the showing, moving his lips whilst reading, but his GBA pushed him to the very limits of multitasking!
Grix thought he was capable of walking down the street whilst playing his GBA. At first things went well, other pedestrians side stepped him, and he was aware of were the roads were, so was able to stop and cross safely. He wasn't doing badly at F-Zero either, considering that he couldn't keep the screen completely still whilst in motion. However, things were about to change for poor Grix. As he approached the end of a particularly tough race Grix suddenly felt the full force of his GBA striking him in the face! He fell to the floor in shock, looking at the lamppost that he had walked into, forcing his GBA against him.
Grix won't be so careless next time now that he knows the full horror of what may happen....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
But The Game, Ant and Grix Thraves can consider themselves lucky when compared to Goatboy, another innocent victim, previously unaware of the terror caused....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
Goatboy was thrilled to get his hands on his N64, and he enjoyed it a great deal. One day he made a very special purchase: Lylat Wars, complete with Rumble Pak!
Goatboy could barely wait to get home to play this game, he had torn the box in his excitement at opening the game, but it didn't matter, he'd soon get to play!
An hour into his playing experience Goatboys hands felt numb. The rumble pak had been particularly strong, and made Goatboys hands ache. He was perplexed, he seemed to be at the end of the game. "Must be a demo" he thought. He looked at the menu's trying to find the full game.
Nothing. Surely he hadn't completed it so easily.
"What a waste of money" he thought. His palms were sweating heavily as he picked up the pad for another go,hopingto find a secret. It was then that he experienced disaster. His Rumble Pak had been a little faulty, and as it filled with the sweat from Goatoys furious hands it gave out an almighty rumble!
Goatboy threw the pad down, shaking. His hands were blackened, charred, but ne permanent physical damage, however the internal scars run deep here, and Goatboy won't buy Nintendo now that he knows the true fear experienced....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
The Game thought he was a very lucky boy when he managed to get hold of a Sega Dreamcast, with it's wide range of top quality titles, but he didn't know about the horror he was about to experience....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
That's right, The Game was happily playing Daytona USA 2001, racing around at top speed, enjoying the thrills and excitement of the game when tragedy struck! On a particularly tight corner The Game moved his whole body to the left, hoping it would somehow make him turn sharper, the pad in his hands was pulled too far, the lead went tight, and the Dreamcast fell towards the floor.
The Game, being a wise gamer has prepared for such an event, after trashing his Atari Jaguar in the very same way years earlier, The Game had palced a small trampoline beneath the unit which housed his Dreamcast.
The Dreamcast hit the trampoline, bounced into the air, and The Game felt it's full force as it stuck him of the head, knocking him down onto the floor.
The Game was lucky that he had a relatively curvatious console, the sharp edges of a NES could have made these a fatal accident.
the Game will be more careful in future, because he knows what can happen....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
Ant also knows of the disasters that can occur....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
After purchasing a shiny new Playstation 2 Ant was over the moon. Not only could he play top class games, but he could also watch DVDs. Ant was amazed by his PS2. It was smaller than he had envisioned, and looked so damn smart.
Ant pressed the button to openthe disc tray again and again, the fluidity of the movement, the incredibly smoothness, it was awesome.
Ant pressed that button again and again, moving closer and closer, until inevitable disaster! Ant had moved his head too close to the tray, and as it came out so elegantly, it colided with Ant's jaw. He was truely gob-smacked!
Ant won't get so close to his console in future now that he knows the tragic events that happen....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
Grix Thraves thought he was a very lucky chap when he happened upon an import Gameboy Advance at a reasonable price in a store deep in rural Wales, but he was unaware of the absolute ghastliness that can occur....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
Grix Thraves wasn't stupid, he was quite capable of doing two things at once, whistling whilst making tea, singing whilst washing in the showing, moving his lips whilst reading, but his GBA pushed him to the very limits of multitasking!
Grix thought he was capable of walking down the street whilst playing his GBA. At first things went well, other pedestrians side stepped him, and he was aware of were the roads were, so was able to stop and cross safely. He wasn't doing badly at F-Zero either, considering that he couldn't keep the screen completely still whilst in motion. However, things were about to change for poor Grix. As he approached the end of a particularly tough race Grix suddenly felt the full force of his GBA striking him in the face! He fell to the floor in shock, looking at the lamppost that he had walked into, forcing his GBA against him.
Grix won't be so careless next time now that he knows the full horror of what may happen....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
But The Game, Ant and Grix Thraves can consider themselves lucky when compared to Goatboy, another innocent victim, previously unaware of the terror caused....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
Goatboy was thrilled to get his hands on his N64, and he enjoyed it a great deal. One day he made a very special purchase: Lylat Wars, complete with Rumble Pak!
Goatboy could barely wait to get home to play this game, he had torn the box in his excitement at opening the game, but it didn't matter, he'd soon get to play!
An hour into his playing experience Goatboys hands felt numb. The rumble pak had been particularly strong, and made Goatboys hands ache. He was perplexed, he seemed to be at the end of the game. "Must be a demo" he thought. He looked at the menu's trying to find the full game.
Nothing. Surely he hadn't completed it so easily.
"What a waste of money" he thought. His palms were sweating heavily as he picked up the pad for another go,hopingto find a secret. It was then that he experienced disaster. His Rumble Pak had been a little faulty, and as it filled with the sweat from Goatoys furious hands it gave out an almighty rumble!
Goatboy threw the pad down, shaking. His hands were blackened, charred, but ne permanent physical damage, however the internal scars run deep here, and Goatboy won't buy Nintendo now that he knows the true fear experienced....
WHEN CONSOLES ATTACK!
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Okay, had to put this in:
Stew: Hi, I'm Stewart Lee.
Rich: And I'm the Funk Soul Brother, check it out now, the Funk Soul Brother.
Stew: Are you the Funk Soul Brother?
Rich: Yes.
Stew: No, listen to the question, the words it contains, imagine their meaning: Are you the Funk Soul Brother?
Rich: No, I'm David Herring's brother.
Stew: And is he funky?
Rich: Not really, he's a stock broker. He smells pretty funky though.
Stew: Does he?
Rich: No.
Stew: Good
(ah, ctl c, ctl v : ) )
Stew: Hi, I'm Stewart Lee.
Rich: And I'm the Funk Soul Brother, check it out now, the Funk Soul Brother.
Stew: Are you the Funk Soul Brother?
Rich: Yes.
Stew: No, listen to the question, the words it contains, imagine their meaning: Are you the Funk Soul Brother?
Rich: No, I'm David Herring's brother.
Stew: And is he funky?
Rich: Not really, he's a stock broker. He smells pretty funky though.
Stew: Does he?
Rich: No.
Stew: Good
(ah, ctl c, ctl v : ) )
Another lee and herring thing. Made me laugh.
GREG EVIGAN: If I were to try and fly unaided, God's law of gravity would quickly send me crashing to the soil. Yet God chooses to mock me, Greg Evigan, with every whorish bee He sends to buzz around my sticky honey pot.
I made this!
GREG EVIGAN: If I were to try and fly unaided, God's law of gravity would quickly send me crashing to the soil. Yet God chooses to mock me, Greg Evigan, with every whorish bee He sends to buzz around my sticky honey pot.
I made this!
Great: when one notable says something, another follows.
Err... yes.
He was, unti; he read it twice :)
Thought you were just admiring your admiration.
Or something. :0)
Or something. :0)
Sorry, I was supposed to add a 'Thanks' there!
Ant wrote:
> That was brilliant, Meka. Good enough to get my catchphrase:
{:) "ONCE
> YOU POP, YOU CAN'T STOP!!" CLASSIQUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's a GAD winner,
> I would've thought.
pb wrote:
lol! Great post Meka, I'll remember to be careful around my consoles in future.
This has got to be a GAD winner today.
> That was brilliant, Meka. Good enough to get my catchphrase:
{:) "ONCE
> YOU POP, YOU CAN'T STOP!!" CLASSIQUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's a GAD winner,
> I would've thought.
pb wrote:
lol! Great post Meka, I'll remember to be careful around my consoles in future.
This has got to be a GAD winner today.
Mouldy Cheese wrote:
> WTF?
>Grix, Duck, and Ant all banned?
You what??
I don't think I'm banned. :D
> WTF?
>Grix, Duck, and Ant all banned?
You what??
I don't think I'm banned. :D
R This week on lazy TV executive twits, Channel 5. Last year, and this is true, Channel 5 got in contact with my agent asking if I’d be interested in presenting a programme about Fishing
S Fishing With Herring. Do you see?
R Funny thing is, up to that point I had not noticed that my surname was a fish. Suddenly all the taunts I got in the playground make sense. "Kipper", "Fish Pants" "Knob head"
S Knob head isn’t a fish Rich
R It is Stu. The knob headed shark. I’d be crying away but they’d still shout out the insults… and that was just the teachers. 28 years old I was.
S CUT (Fishing With Herring my foot!) Channel 5 had a show on last year about gardening presented by a woman called Jac Flower, and they called it Flower’s Garden or something. Do you see the formula that C5 are working to.?
R So we’ve deceided to submit a few proposals of our own to C5 in the same vein. CUT COOKING WITH COOK, MOVE IT TO END LIST, AND REPLACE WITH FOXWATCH - Foxwatch, with Dr Fox. In which Dr Fox hides a secret camera in the toilet of small American actor Michael J Fox, and watches him go about his daily ablutions.
S Paxman’s Pacman – Jeremy Paxman of Newsnight goes round the country on a moped playing early arcade game Pacman. He is not allowed to leave any town until he has clocked the high score for that machine.
R MOVE SKINNING WITH SKINNER TO END AND REPLACE WITH…
Van Outen’s Van Outings – Denise Van Outen meets other people with van in their name, and outs them as homosexuals whether they are or not. Possible targets might be Eddie van Halen, Laurence van der post and fictional character, Van der Valk.
S CUT BADDIEL, MOVE TO END AND REPLACE WITH … Dimbleby’s Dim Bumble bees- David Dimbleby presents Candid camera for bees, where the foolish insects are shown making mistakes like trying to collect pollen from artificial flowers and that’s it really
R Midge Ure’s Midge Urine. In which Midge Ure travels around the country on a motorcycle looking at the urine of different species of midges.
S Who’d be interested in that?
R No-one. No-one would.
S I also wanted to come up with one for 1980’s kids TV presenter, Christopher Lillicrap, but I couldn’t think of anything.
RICH Consider the Lillicrap?
STEW What’s that? A religious programme with a scatological bent?
R Yes.
S Fishing With Herring. Do you see?
R Funny thing is, up to that point I had not noticed that my surname was a fish. Suddenly all the taunts I got in the playground make sense. "Kipper", "Fish Pants" "Knob head"
S Knob head isn’t a fish Rich
R It is Stu. The knob headed shark. I’d be crying away but they’d still shout out the insults… and that was just the teachers. 28 years old I was.
S CUT (Fishing With Herring my foot!) Channel 5 had a show on last year about gardening presented by a woman called Jac Flower, and they called it Flower’s Garden or something. Do you see the formula that C5 are working to.?
R So we’ve deceided to submit a few proposals of our own to C5 in the same vein. CUT COOKING WITH COOK, MOVE IT TO END LIST, AND REPLACE WITH FOXWATCH - Foxwatch, with Dr Fox. In which Dr Fox hides a secret camera in the toilet of small American actor Michael J Fox, and watches him go about his daily ablutions.
S Paxman’s Pacman – Jeremy Paxman of Newsnight goes round the country on a moped playing early arcade game Pacman. He is not allowed to leave any town until he has clocked the high score for that machine.
R MOVE SKINNING WITH SKINNER TO END AND REPLACE WITH…
Van Outen’s Van Outings – Denise Van Outen meets other people with van in their name, and outs them as homosexuals whether they are or not. Possible targets might be Eddie van Halen, Laurence van der post and fictional character, Van der Valk.
S CUT BADDIEL, MOVE TO END AND REPLACE WITH … Dimbleby’s Dim Bumble bees- David Dimbleby presents Candid camera for bees, where the foolish insects are shown making mistakes like trying to collect pollen from artificial flowers and that’s it really
R Midge Ure’s Midge Urine. In which Midge Ure travels around the country on a motorcycle looking at the urine of different species of midges.
S Who’d be interested in that?
R No-one. No-one would.
S I also wanted to come up with one for 1980’s kids TV presenter, Christopher Lillicrap, but I couldn’t think of anything.
RICH Consider the Lillicrap?
STEW What’s that? A religious programme with a scatological bent?
R Yes.
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