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"Why I not evolve?"

Civilisation 3.
From Sid Meir, the daddy of PC strategy/RTS games. These games rock, take a tribe from Stone Age right up to and beyond space age.
There are hundreds of stats, charts and settings available at your command, the interface is user-friendly and enjoyably animated.
You can choose your tribe, your enemies and everything else you can think of.
And despite all of these advancements, it suffers from the same inherent fault that all of these games, be they by Meir or not, suffer from.

Stupid opponent AI.
You know what I’m talking about (I know YH does, that’s for sure).

I started a tutorial game, to get used to it all. Ok, was getting by, had two cities made and building roads and stuff.
And here comes Ghandi from India
“Hello Cleopatra, we want to swap map-making for the wheel and 150 gold and philosophy”
Umm…that doesn’t seem entirely fair to me, so I select the “No thanks, that is all” option.
And what happens?
“Prepare for war, we will not tolerate such insolence”.
Hello? Ghandi is waging war on me? What the hell is going on? I’ve only been playing for 40 mins, I have 2 workers and a warrior. And now I am swarmed by angry Ghandi soldiers laying waste to my little empire?
My people are too busy trying to figure out how to build roads, and now I am being wiped out by a peace-loving wise man???

So I restart and choose my own parameters.
Large map, 2 opponents, loads of resources. I figure I’ll have France & Germany on the map with me.
Again things go ok, I’m developing nicely with my research and city expansion. Even start to build a wonder.
And over wanders Joan of Arc, “Hello Lincoln, we wish to learn the secret of map-making.”
Ah, I’m not falling for this again so I agree.
We’re mates, except her soldiers are wandering all through my land and setting up embassies.
When I do this, she gets shirt and demands I withdraw my troops.
So I demand she removes hers from my precious things and, surprise surprise, “Joan of Arc declares war on you. She has forged an alliance with Germany!”

Oh for chrissakes, France and Germany attacking me together?
And here they come.
In chariots.
I’m still researching literature and mathematics. My people eat food they gather from the floor and don’t know how to read or write.
So how the hell does Frenchy have bloody chariots already?
We’ve been playing the same amount of time, and now Germany has fusiliers?
This sucks.
Why are my toeheads eating berries and using sticks to draw with, whilst France and Germany know everything and take great delight in smashing my face in with advanced weaponry???
That’s it, I’m downloading cheats today and playing it tonight, gonna get me some F16s and see how well their horses stand up to aerial bombardment.

I love strategy games, but I get fed up with the damn dirty computer opponents turning into Stephen Hawkins whilst my troop of apes are living in caves and eating dirt.

Bonus wrote:
> Age of Empires rules when you have cars, just run everything in your way over

Age of Empires with cars?

What version have I been playing?

I dont remember seeing Joan of Arc in a Volvo?

or Hector in a Nissan Micra?

I decided to rename my character George W Bush after that little episode.

"Zululand wages war on you."

Really?
Wow look here they come, hundreds of 'em.
And they are massing outside my city?
What to do, oh what to do?

I know, launch an F16 strike on their stone-age heads and annihalate them from the map in 4 moves.

God Bless cheats

How DARE you spell Sid Meier's name wrong, Gay Boot! :-)

He is a genious though. Anyone here played Gettysburg or Alpha Centauri? Both excellent...

Age of Empires rules when you have cars, just run everything in your way over :D

Your Honour wrote:
> Age of Empires sucks.

"Well done, you've just made one villager. You now
> have two villagers."

"Ok, you go chop down that
> tree."

"Ooog."

"Warning. Some other sod has decided to
> launch his nuclear weapons from his Lunar base. Evacuate
> earth."

"Er, how? By making a REALLY BIG seesaw or
> something?"


I knew you would feel my pain.
Civilisation 3 is AOE x 10000

I will punch Ghandi in the face if I ever meet him on the next planet

I rule at these games.

Hence I use cheats.

"France wages war on you and is preparing her cavalry to charge"

(Goatboy is polishing his nukes) Hmm? Yes yes, I heard. Bring it on.

Age of Empires sucks.

"Well done, you've just made one villager. You now have two villagers."

"Ok, you go chop down that tree."

"Ooog."

"Warning. Some other sod has decided to launch his nuclear weapons from his Lunar base. Evacuate earth."

"Er, how? By making a REALLY BIG seesaw or something?"

You must just be pitiful at these types of games. We love them because they give us power, but would it be fun if Ghandi was a hippy on Civilisation, probably not, and it would be far too easy to waste him. I raraely get into wars on the game, because I dominate, people come grovelling to me. Maybe you just haven't got to grips with earning resources through trading between cities or something.

As for AOE2, emmm, that game is very bleeding hard if you don't have an army of villagers getting the stuff in as quickly as you spend it. But the computer players always seem to gang up on me for some strange reason.

The first time I played Age of Empires 2, I thought, let's build a wall. It'll keep out the monkeys and it'll look good.

Oh no, says Bill Gates (because absolutely everything to do with Microsoft can be blamed on Bill), and then the enemy invents Cannon boats. What the fun? Um, I've got some cavalry... Boom, well, fine, you obviously don't like my pretty horses. Then it proceeds to demolish my wall with my entire navy pounding at it. WHY WON'T YOU DIE?

Then the monkeys came in through the gap in the wall and I ran to my town centre, that is somehow armed with an infinite number of arrows. That'll sort 'em, thinks I. But no, they have already got trebuchets! Um...

It's all Bill Gates fault.