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Posh Spice goes out and gets a lip ring, hundred's of impressionable (stupid) girls run out and copy her.
Today, it is revealed the ring was a fake, a clip on and now "I hate her, she's a cow. I went out and did it and hers wasn't even real"
Altogether now people
5...4...3...2...1...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Man, this has brightened my day already.
Some 2nd rate pop singer sticks a pretend ring on her face (new single coming soon, I'm sure there's no connection) and loads of little sheep run out and copy her.
And now they are complaining?
The Sun is one of the funniest papers around, some of the quotes from "distressed fans"
"I feel stupid"
That's because you are, don't feel bad though, at least with metal through your face we can spot you.
Should've been through their noses though, that way we can tie ropes through and lead them out to graze.
Cattle
Today, it is revealed the ring was a fake, a clip on and now "I hate her, she's a cow. I went out and did it and hers wasn't even real"
Altogether now people
5...4...3...2...1...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Man, this has brightened my day already.
Some 2nd rate pop singer sticks a pretend ring on her face (new single coming soon, I'm sure there's no connection) and loads of little sheep run out and copy her.
And now they are complaining?
The Sun is one of the funniest papers around, some of the quotes from "distressed fans"
"I feel stupid"
That's because you are, don't feel bad though, at least with metal through your face we can spot you.
Should've been through their noses though, that way we can tie ropes through and lead them out to graze.
Cattle
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I think having been rude about all the other morons out there I should confess to my own idiocies.
1) Got a cab back from a friends house. Early in the morning, slightly the worst for ware. Got a Turksih cabbie who was very chatty with a very thick Turkish accent. He's intent on conversation so I gamely join in. He tells me that his day job is as a Radio presenter on a Turkish radio station. I ask him what kind of show he does, he says its one where he does "massages". "Massages?" I reply very confused. "Yes massages for lovers" he continues. "What kind of massages for lovers?" I enquire, thinking things have taken a turn for the pervy and I'll just leap out at the lights if it gets any worse. Ah hell the childlocks are on. "Yes massages for lovers, say if one is in prison, I send a massage from the other lover". "Oh you mean messages" I finally twig. He then proceeded to talk about buying a talking bird for his lover. Another confused ten minute conversation until we work out its a parrot not a budgerigar he wants. All very surreal and quite fantastic.
2) This isn't my story but did honestly happen to a friend of mine. She was travelling in Nepal, doing the trekking thing and stayed at a lodge somewhere near Katmandu. There was a young guy who was a kind of waiter/gofer in the lodge who wanted to practice his English with her. So for four or five days she teaches him basic English and he tells her handy Nepalese phrases. She decides to put her Nepalse to the test and whilst out in the market says "Hello, how are you?" to a local trader. As the days go by everytime she goes out to the market more and more of the traders come out to greet her. She does her "Hello, how are you phrase" and they all chuckle. She thinks she's getting an in with the locals until someone takes her aside and explains that what she is actually saying is "Hello, go f*** yourself".
1) Got a cab back from a friends house. Early in the morning, slightly the worst for ware. Got a Turksih cabbie who was very chatty with a very thick Turkish accent. He's intent on conversation so I gamely join in. He tells me that his day job is as a Radio presenter on a Turkish radio station. I ask him what kind of show he does, he says its one where he does "massages". "Massages?" I reply very confused. "Yes massages for lovers" he continues. "What kind of massages for lovers?" I enquire, thinking things have taken a turn for the pervy and I'll just leap out at the lights if it gets any worse. Ah hell the childlocks are on. "Yes massages for lovers, say if one is in prison, I send a massage from the other lover". "Oh you mean messages" I finally twig. He then proceeded to talk about buying a talking bird for his lover. Another confused ten minute conversation until we work out its a parrot not a budgerigar he wants. All very surreal and quite fantastic.
2) This isn't my story but did honestly happen to a friend of mine. She was travelling in Nepal, doing the trekking thing and stayed at a lodge somewhere near Katmandu. There was a young guy who was a kind of waiter/gofer in the lodge who wanted to practice his English with her. So for four or five days she teaches him basic English and he tells her handy Nepalese phrases. She decides to put her Nepalse to the test and whilst out in the market says "Hello, how are you?" to a local trader. As the days go by everytime she goes out to the market more and more of the traders come out to greet her. She does her "Hello, how are you phrase" and they all chuckle. She thinks she's getting an in with the locals until someone takes her aside and explains that what she is actually saying is "Hello, go f*** yourself".
My fav:
Worked at a place that designed, manufactured and imported beds to sell on to places like John Lewis, Harveys etc.
One bed was a kid's cabin bed, and you could get these vinyl curtain things that attached and turned the space underneath into a wendy-house type thing.
You know the sort of thing, a couple of little windows and a door on it.
I took a phone call from an irate woman, screaming and shouting that "John Lewis told me to phone you to complain about those curtains that you sell"
"Yes madam, how can I help?"
"Ok, bought them and fitted them, except they're all wrong"
"Sorry?"
"Well, I eventually managed to get it on, except it covers about a third of the window and is bright red with windows on it"
Long pause from me:
"What?"
"I put it up and people can see right in at night, doesn't even cover the entire window"
"Eh?" (really confused now)
Turns out, this woman bought the cabin bed curtain/wendy house thing and stretched it over her living room bay windows.
Soon after my head exploded and I took to the rooftops with a sniper rifle and a book
Worked at a place that designed, manufactured and imported beds to sell on to places like John Lewis, Harveys etc.
One bed was a kid's cabin bed, and you could get these vinyl curtain things that attached and turned the space underneath into a wendy-house type thing.
You know the sort of thing, a couple of little windows and a door on it.
I took a phone call from an irate woman, screaming and shouting that "John Lewis told me to phone you to complain about those curtains that you sell"
"Yes madam, how can I help?"
"Ok, bought them and fitted them, except they're all wrong"
"Sorry?"
"Well, I eventually managed to get it on, except it covers about a third of the window and is bright red with windows on it"
Long pause from me:
"What?"
"I put it up and people can see right in at night, doesn't even cover the entire window"
"Eh?" (really confused now)
Turns out, this woman bought the cabin bed curtain/wendy house thing and stretched it over her living room bay windows.
Soon after my head exploded and I took to the rooftops with a sniper rifle and a book
This thread just keeps getting more surreal...
You know those damned double-glazing companies who phone about once a week. Well here in the happy household, the windows were looking rather decrepit. So we thought, why the heck not, let's get our windows done. So the next time a double-glazing company rang and inquired whether double-glazing was the order of the day this is what happened...
Mr.Coldcall: Hello, I'm calling from *random doubleglaze company*. Can I interest you in having new windows? A conservatory?
Reply: Well, yes actually. We'd like our windows done.
Mr.Coldcall: errr... well.... hang on a sec I'll just go and get my supervisor...
(lengthy pause)
Mr.Supervisor: So, I hear you're interested in double glazed windows.
Reply: Yes, can you give us a quote.
Mr.Supervisor: Oh, I'll have to go and check the list.
After going through numerous phone-centre employs are windows were eventually installed. I think the confusion that this simple yes answer caused demonstrates how effective the coldcalling centres are.
You know those damned double-glazing companies who phone about once a week. Well here in the happy household, the windows were looking rather decrepit. So we thought, why the heck not, let's get our windows done. So the next time a double-glazing company rang and inquired whether double-glazing was the order of the day this is what happened...
Mr.Coldcall: Hello, I'm calling from *random doubleglaze company*. Can I interest you in having new windows? A conservatory?
Reply: Well, yes actually. We'd like our windows done.
Mr.Coldcall: errr... well.... hang on a sec I'll just go and get my supervisor...
(lengthy pause)
Mr.Supervisor: So, I hear you're interested in double glazed windows.
Reply: Yes, can you give us a quote.
Mr.Supervisor: Oh, I'll have to go and check the list.
After going through numerous phone-centre employs are windows were eventually installed. I think the confusion that this simple yes answer caused demonstrates how effective the coldcalling centres are.
Ah! Morons, where would we be without them?
I found that there were always extra pay-per-view movies on the bills that happened to go missing.
More often than not it would be because someone in the house had got porn for the night, and wagged the bill before anyone could see it!
I found that there were always extra pay-per-view movies on the bills that happened to go missing.
More often than not it would be because someone in the house had got porn for the night, and wagged the bill before anyone could see it!
OK lets start the competition for who has dealt with the biggest moron at a call centre. My all time favourite was a guy who rang up to enquire why he was being charged "line rental" on his cordless phone. I patiently explained to him in simple language that despite there being no "cord" he was still connected to the telecoms network and hence being charged for line rental. He very patiently took a big breath to avoid getting very annoyed with me and proceeded to walk around his flat. "See Darling the thing you don't understand is there is no line, I've just walked through to the kitchen, now I'm in my living room and now I'm going to the bathroom. You see its got no line so I can move around with it." etc, etc. Again I attempted to explain the basic physics of telecommunications with him and that without a line his cordless phone would be useless etc, etc. He eventually said "I don't mean to be patronising love but I don't think your getting it, I think you need to transfer me to your supervisor".
Other classic occassions included people ringing to query their phone bills. 9 times out of 10 a new man had come into their lives who had taken to ringing porn lines. We would examine the bill, finding the offending number and ring it. You would then hear some pornfest going on at the end of the line. You would then discreetly suggest that the customer ring the number themselves and deal with the offender. So anyway one day I had a complete cow on the phone. She started shouting, swearing and insulting me before the first sentence was out. It was with great pleasure that I told her all the premium rate calls on her phone were to a male impotency line, so bog off Mrs Smith.
Other classic occassions included people ringing to query their phone bills. 9 times out of 10 a new man had come into their lives who had taken to ringing porn lines. We would examine the bill, finding the offending number and ring it. You would then hear some pornfest going on at the end of the line. You would then discreetly suggest that the customer ring the number themselves and deal with the offender. So anyway one day I had a complete cow on the phone. She started shouting, swearing and insulting me before the first sentence was out. It was with great pleasure that I told her all the premium rate calls on her phone were to a male impotency line, so bog off Mrs Smith.
Nope, I can't get my mittens off
A simple test to try on people is to ask if they can lick their elbows.
See how many stick out their tongues, and wave their elbows close to their face, and see how many people ask 'why?'
I bet you're doing it right now, aren't you!
See how many stick out their tongues, and wave their elbows close to their face, and see how many people ask 'why?'
I bet you're doing it right now, aren't you!
Welcome brother to the light.
A quote from Bill Hicks is applicable here:
"So I'm in a Waffle-House, I'm eating a reading a book. The waitress comes over and says 'Hey, what you reading for?'...isn't that like the weirdest question? Not "What am I reading?" but "What am I reading for?"...hmmm, I guess I read for a lot of reasons, but the main one is so I dont end up being a funning Waffle-Waitress"
We've all had Mcjobs and we've all realised that they served a purpose.
It's when you start to think they matter that you are doomed.
During my dealings with Ealing Council and many,many jobs dealing with the public, it's enough to make you want to eat your own face
A quote from Bill Hicks is applicable here:
"So I'm in a Waffle-House, I'm eating a reading a book. The waitress comes over and says 'Hey, what you reading for?'...isn't that like the weirdest question? Not "What am I reading?" but "What am I reading for?"...hmmm, I guess I read for a lot of reasons, but the main one is so I dont end up being a funning Waffle-Waitress"
We've all had Mcjobs and we've all realised that they served a purpose.
It's when you start to think they matter that you are doomed.
During my dealings with Ealing Council and many,many jobs dealing with the public, it's enough to make you want to eat your own face
I worked in a kitchen washing dishes, and it was great fun.
Well the work wasn't, but the people were, but we were all in the kind of 'gap year' time of our lives, when we were only working to fund going out and having fun.
I did work in a call centre too though. Kind of. I worked for ntl, but I was making outgoing calls to people that hadn't paid thier bills. You can imagine how much they loved hearing from me, chasing them up for their late payments.
It was my first real insight into just how stupid people are:
One call involved a woman begging us to let her keep Nickelodeon after she had been cut off, because she wouldn't know what to do with her kids without it.
Another time I had to leave a message to get someone to call back. I was speaking to this woman, and she didn't understand who ntl were, so I tried to leave her with the number, but I said 'oh-eight-hundred' which is standard for the 0800 code, but she kept quoting 'eight-oh-hundred' back at me, a number which doesn't exist, does it? Anyway, after a few minutes of this she said "I'd better let my husband take the message". First thing he said to me was "Hello, we're the in-laws!" More like in-breeds I thought. He, fortunatley, was capable of taking down the number.
Another ocassion this bloke said he'd piad the bill at his bank, upon asked which bank he said "Um, same one as my gas bill." But he really didn't know the name of the bank!
When asked "How did you make the payment" hoping to get an answer like 'on my credit card, by cheque, postal order' or something, the reply came "On my bike."
Really, I lost all believe that we, as humans are getting smarter. I now know that the world is kept dumb in the majority with a diet of cable TV and The Sun.
Well the work wasn't, but the people were, but we were all in the kind of 'gap year' time of our lives, when we were only working to fund going out and having fun.
I did work in a call centre too though. Kind of. I worked for ntl, but I was making outgoing calls to people that hadn't paid thier bills. You can imagine how much they loved hearing from me, chasing them up for their late payments.
It was my first real insight into just how stupid people are:
One call involved a woman begging us to let her keep Nickelodeon after she had been cut off, because she wouldn't know what to do with her kids without it.
Another time I had to leave a message to get someone to call back. I was speaking to this woman, and she didn't understand who ntl were, so I tried to leave her with the number, but I said 'oh-eight-hundred' which is standard for the 0800 code, but she kept quoting 'eight-oh-hundred' back at me, a number which doesn't exist, does it? Anyway, after a few minutes of this she said "I'd better let my husband take the message". First thing he said to me was "Hello, we're the in-laws!" More like in-breeds I thought. He, fortunatley, was capable of taking down the number.
Another ocassion this bloke said he'd piad the bill at his bank, upon asked which bank he said "Um, same one as my gas bill." But he really didn't know the name of the bank!
When asked "How did you make the payment" hoping to get an answer like 'on my credit card, by cheque, postal order' or something, the reply came "On my bike."
Really, I lost all believe that we, as humans are getting smarter. I now know that the world is kept dumb in the majority with a diet of cable TV and The Sun.
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